Feeling Helpless
12/2/2010 10:33:03 PM
I just went to the recovery meeting with my husband and even though everyone there was so positive and uplifting i couldn't help but feel like there was no hope or no end to the tunnel. Some of the people there have been battling this for years and years and it has only improved a small amount over time and how each relapse is just that much harder to cope with. I have been married to my husband for a year and i am feeling like i want out. I don't want to put myself through the pain and sorrow that i am seeing. I have seen what my mom has gone through and i don't want to be that way. I'm so scared of being hopeful because i don't want to get hurt anymore than i already am. I feel as though my whole world and dreams have been crushed and how could it get worse? I see my husband for what i thought he was and then i see him as what i know now and they are not even the same people. I feel as though the person i fell in love with was just a figment of my imagination. I want so badly a husband who can be a worthy priesthood holder and let the spirit into my home instead of pushing it out. Please comment.


There is hope    
"While there are those withhout much improvement, there are also those with lots of improvement. I'm doing so much better than 2 years ago. I've struggled a little more the last 2 months, but even that is a ton better than 2 years ago. There are plenty of people in my ARP group that have made significant progress. I look around the room at those meetings and see a room full of people I feel blessed to spend time with each week. Yes, they are people with struggles, but they are also people with a lot to offer that are working hard to overcome their addictions. There's no way to know how long it will take your husband to recover, but if he works at it he can recover. What you fell in love with is not all your imagination. Yes, there is something you didn't know about, but the two of you can be happy. Read Angel and Barm's posts. Hang in there, never quit praying. Keep coming back here."
posted at 22:54:10 on December 2, 2010 by dstanley
Keep trying    
"I've been attending recovery meetings for about 2 years now. My husband and I are in a better place than we've been in all the years before. I'll be honest with you, if you're willing to work, you can be one of those people with a great story to tell. If you're not willing to put in the work, you'll be one of those who struggle for years and it never seems to get better. You will be better by applying what you learn regardless of what your husband chooses to do. When you're in a better place mentally, you'll be better able to know what your Heavenly Father wants for your relationship.

This is a painful place to be. Leaving won't decrease the pain, it will only change the pain and the consequences. There is always hope. Keep reading and it will come. The challenges won't just all go away suddenly. This one doesn't have a quick fix. However, our Heavenly Father can increase our capacity to endure and bear our challenges. It will take time. Be willing to let it unfold on the Lord's timetable."
posted at 23:20:08 on December 2, 2010 by SEEINGLIGHT
"It is fair that your expect a worthy priesthood holder. That's what you bought into. Your Husband has broken sacred temple covenents and that is a big deal.

My husband has struggled for over 35 years. He told me before we were married 23 years ago that he had problems in the past with Mast. We never saw it as an addiction because no one knew back then. There were no resourses for him, let alone me to heal. So many are caught in this awful addictive sin and it is wrong. Overcoming is a reality because he has all the help you need available now.

Pornography is a battle we are all fighting... This is the whore of the earth the scriptures speak of. I recently leaned that Utah is #1 in pornography usage, so we can all pretend that this isn't happening with our members, but the truth is still the truth.

Decide now what you expect from him and set boundaries. How much are you willing to alow? I am grateful that my husband has finally stepped up and become a real man, but I have boundaries and not even the spirit of this junk is permitted ever!

Total devotion to the Lord. That means forsaking the world. No PG13 movies, pretty much no TV (because even commercials are porn now), only LDS or Christian type of internet sites, Good music such as, LDS or christian music (clean music). Scriptures daily, prayer alone and couples twice daily, daily service, daily devotion, Church and Temple attendence, recovery material, daily calls to recovery friends, and weekly ARP meetings. A true man of God does these things with joy in his heart and this kind of devotion chases evil away. If he is willing to live a clean life, than he is a true man of God. All followers of Christ must sacrifice, but those caught in the cycle of addiction must do more.

What many guys do not understand is that the best sex comes with a close, intimate, and loving relationship with their wives. And, there is no way for that to happen until they are completely clean! Porn is a cheap replacement for a great relationship with your spouse. Porn sex is dark and evil and has no place in any marriage ever!!!.

The people I meet in ARP who are fulfilled in their relationships are the people who live the kind of life I spoke of. They stand in holy places. It seems like a lot of work to do, but believe me, it is worth it. For us, Dr. Weiss's (sex addiction expert) formation, the 12 steps program, and most importantly the Savior, have given my husband the tools necessary to overcome this awful sin. Weiss states that if a sex addict does 5 things forever, he will never return to porn. The only clients he has that return to it, are the one's that don't do the 5 things.

Daily scriptures
Read recovery materal
Call a recover friend
weekly (or more) meetings

Light chases away darkness. Christ is the answer and your answer to stay or to leave must also come from The Lord.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I can not find any way to sugar coat this evil.

To make this marriage beautiful, and it can be beautiful he must surrender to God and to you :)

posted at 00:43:17 on December 3, 2010 by angelmom
"Boundaries Personal boundaries are guidelines or
Those first few hours and days and weeks after discovery or disclosure for the wife is like an atom bomb went off in her belly and now she has to deal with the fallout! It is so painful, I know. All the women on this site know. You are in shock. Rightfully so... Your husband, your hero, is not the man you thought he was. Your life is not what you thought it was. So many questions, so much pain, doubt, fear, ANGER!! This is all normal. Sadly, You are not alone.
First Pray, tell your Father in Heaven all of your feelings! All of them, even the ugly ones.
Keep going to meetings, there is HOPE!!! Our Savior Jesus Christ will do what he says when we ask him. HE is the most powerful! He can heal you and your husband! I know!

The lessons you will learn through this process can be an amazing benefit to you and your husband for the rest of your life...Eternity!! You can have the most amazing marriage if you and he are willing to work together. I Promise!

The Sisters above have share some beautiful insight! They are veterans like myself. We want you to keep Hope Alive. Hope for it All.. Do not feel helpless, your Savior and your Heavenly Father are there for you in a big way.

Here is some more information that will help you with recovery. This is out of the new Family Support manual. A little more on Boundaries.

Boundaries are guidelines that we establish to define
reasonable, safe and acceptable limits concerning the
actions of others and how we will respond when others
go beyond those limits. Boundaries are necessary limitations
that we establish to protect and take care of
ourselves. We have a right to protect ourselves and to
take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.
“We are seeking to allow less pain, chaos, abuse, and
negative energy into our lives, and we’re making room
for positive experiences.”21 When we feel threatened
by the behavior of others, we identify where boundaries
are needed and learn to communicate our boundaries
in a direct and honest way without blaming, shaming,
or reacting with rage.
Boundaries also help us define what we are responsible
for and what we are not responsible for. Three important
guidelines for setting boundaries are: “don’t
hurt yourself, don’t hurt anyone else [and] don’t let
anyone hurt you.”22 We learn to accept that we are responsible
for ourselves and others are responsible for themselves!

Study boundaries and apply them in your relationship. Boundaries help you feel safe, give you peace, and hope!

Example, If he is yelling, you leave. If he throws things, you call 911, If he does not listen to you when you are talking to him, you leave the room. Boundaries are what you are going to do when you feel uncomfortable. You should let him know ahead of time what your boundary is. Pray Heavenly Father will help you.

There are boundaries for communication, money, intimacy ect..

SEEINGLIGHT is correct. Leaving will not make this better. If you are not in an abusive relationship, you can work this out. If he is physically abusive, then yes, leave. Leave right away. If your husband is seeking recovery and is doing recovery everyday. You keep HOPE. Believe his behavior not his words... Behavior does not lie.

posted at 01:48:39 on December 4, 2010 by Anonymous
"Just wondering how your are doing? Hope to hear from your soon.

posted at 19:17:19 on December 7, 2010 by Anonymous
For what it is worth...    
"Dear CCB,
I am so not the right person to leave you advice as I have not found the hope the other women are talking about yet. I love that they have and I have love reading their comments. When I read that you have only been married a year, I almost felt jealous, because if you don't have kids yet, you could leave. I feel so trapped because I have 3 young kids that would be destroyed if I divorced. But the BYOUROWNHEREO is are right, leaving won't end your pain.

I have been married twice. Both times to Returned Missionaries in the temple. My first husband was a s~x addict and he treated me terriby! He had a crazy raging temper and got mad over things people wouldn't even believe someone could get mad over. He was unfaithful, too, but the pain of that was almost overshadowed by the pain of his meanness. We were divorced after only 15 months of marriage. But that did not end my pain. My mother has commented that when I got home, I wasn't the same girl that had left home a year before. She wondered where I went? In time, I started to come back a little. But to this day she says that I never fully came back.

I didn't even know I needed recovery, that I had been traumatized, until a few weeks ago. I am going through this again now with my second husband (only, he has never treated me as horribly as my first husband did). Now I have learned about s~x addictions and I understand a little bit more about how I need help to recover.

So anyway, I am with you on wondering if there is any hope for me. But I do know leaving won't end your suffering. In addition, my second husband has been sober for 14 months and even that isn't enough to heal me. I still feel pain and anger (mostly anger now, it's an easier emotion for me to deal with than sadness). It is from coming on here and finding a link to the AR Manual for wives that helped me! I have begun to read it and it is wonderful! I think it is just what I need to finally recover from all the pain in my life! I am so grateful someone posted it! My area is not part of the pilot program that uses that book. But last Sunday, days after I found it here, I took it to my meeting with me and gave a copy to the sister missionary. We talked about and she said we can start using it next week!"
posted at 09:29:49 on January 14, 2011 by katie
Awesome! Katie    
"That is exactly how our two groups got started. You are on the right track. You will find the healing you are seeking! That other person will come back into your life. Only better! Part of this process is mourning for all of our losses. Who we were, who we thought we were, who we thought we were married to, what our life was, what our life is, ......... But if you stick with the program you will find that the new you, the new life, the new husband, (if he does the work) is Better than the losses. Our Savior and our Loving Heavenly father will make it the best it can be!"
posted at 10:24:14 on January 14, 2011 by Hero

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"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981