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Broken Faith
By stephen99
12/2/2010 12:49:47 AM
Today was not as bad as yesterday. I was able to make it through the day without having too many bad thoughts go through my mind, like yesterday. We went to my ward party and it is about half an hour from our house and it gave me and my wife some time to talk. It was frustrating to say the least. We both just tried to explain each others points of views and we just ended up arguing. She still doesn't think i am sorry enough and that just shows her that I am not really trying to change. I think it's just because she has no more faith in me and it makes me sad and frustrated. Frustrated that it has come to this point. When she has no faith in me i start to doubt the little faith that i have in myself. Thanks for the advice in the comments i will probably ask at the meeting tomorrow if they have a spouse manual and give it to her. I can't understand what she is going through but i feel bad that I put her through it. When I was the only one that know about the problem I felt so depressed and sad. This year at college has been the worst because i had no desire to try. I was just stuck in self criticism and hate. But having it in the open is helping me but not my relationship with my wife.

Comments:

How To Help Your Wife    
"I went through similar difficuties with my wife as I struggled with my addiction over the years. However, everything changed when I finally got it. What I got was that the real problem was not about me, but about the damage and pain I had caused in my family - and in particular with my wife. When I realized the incredible pain I had inflicted on her for years with my additive behaviors, my heart changed and I was humbled. I went to her and truly apologized for all the pain I had cause and I promised her that it wasn't about me any more - it was now going to alway be about her. I told her that it is all my fault - everything bad that has happened, all the pain, all the heartache, all the broken promises and covenants. When she realized I was sincere, her heart changed toward me. I now live every day thinking about her and taking care of her. What I want is forgotten - it doesn't matter and I don't care about my "wants" any more. I work to fulfill her needs and wants on a daily basis. I repeat - it' not about me any more, it's about her. The Lord has began to heal our relationship and our love is growing. There are no more secrets and trust is being rebuilt. Some days are hard - she will feel residual grief and anger for a long time, but I am there every day to bear full responsibility, show her unconditional love, and provide her with whatever she needs so that she can heal. Surrender to your wife and to God (step 7). Trust me - it will make a a huge difference in your life and in your wife."
posted at 09:21:15 on December 2, 2010 by BARM
How To Love Your Wife    
"I read Ephesians 5:25 this morning, and it seems to apply to what BARM is saying:

http://lds.org/scriptures/nt/eph/5.25?lang=eng#24

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;"

Did Christ ever claim that it was about himself? Did he ever seek his own wants or needs? It was always about us--the Church. He gave himself entirely for us (his "wife") and for his Father. And we should do the same for our dear wives and our Father in Heaven."
posted at 10:24:28 on December 2, 2010 by BeClean
Barm    
"I'm with you. It is all my fault.

However, just because I "got it" doesn't make anything at home with the wife any better necessarily. Just because I recognize the pain I caused, and just because I become humbled, and just because my heart changes, the consequences are still there to deal with. She is deeply hurt. She doesn't care for much spiritual intimacy with me; we read the scriptures together as a family once a day, and we have family and couple prayer. She shies away from emotional intimacy with me, waiting to make any connection until she does some healing. She loathes emphatically any physical intimacy, even non-sexual. So here I am, my heart is changed, I have immense pain for the pain I caused her, I have given myself to the Lord. She doesn't want to hear one bit about my recovery or my sobriety (don't even talk about that stuff). It is now all about her for me; I do dishes, clean house, take the kids when she needs a break, write her notes, attempt (but am often rejected) to give hugs. She knows I am sincere. She is impressed with my mighty change. She attends the temple many times a week. She is the facilitator for the family support group. All of this is right, I feel. She is not in love with me anymore. She says she forgives me. She has asked me to move out once, then rescinded. We are roommates. We never fight, yell at each other, or have big disagreements. We devote time to our kids and to our own recoveries.

How to help your wife? I think I am doing it all. She agrees, when we occasionally have a heart-to-heart talk on how each of us is doing and how "we" are doing. It isn't magic. It is certainly not instant. I could buy all the DVD's on sale in the world and it wouldn't ever give an immediate fix. This scenario could go on for 12, 24, 36 months. Sometimes the pain is more than she or I can bear. I can only give it to Him. He will help us. He will work things out for us. Everything is exactly how the Lord wants it to be, right now, at this time.

It still hurts deeply. But it is my fault. Saying that takes away no pain at all."
posted at 11:07:08 on December 2, 2010 by lawrence
A real change has to go trough the test of time and    
"manifest itself trough a long period of sobriety. If you have relapsed recently she is probably still trying to recover from it. The anger has been built from years and years of abuse (a porn addiction is an emotionnal abuse on the spouse whether they are aware of it or not, they suffer from it). My husband has been clean for many months now, and he says he is sincere, and yes he washes the dishes more, goes to ARP, takes care of the kids more. But inside my heart, I am wondering how long before he relapses, etc... You cannot win back trust with a couple of months of change, I am still trying to recover from the lying and cheating of the last decade... His addiction had sent me trough hell and I wowed I will never go trough the mistake of trusting and being invested in someone who could hurt me so much. The best decision I made in this relationship was to detach, keeping the distance protects me and I feel so much safer. I just do not feel safe with him and the thoughts always lingers in my mind as to when is he going to deceive again? I feel safer being detached, it provides me with the space I need to heal at this point. There is still too much anger and unresolved issues. The emotionnal back account is in down, ... I do not even know if it will ever go up. We live as roomates and for now, courtesy and service is all i ask. I'm jst surviving emotionnaly and there is no way I can give anymore and to someone for whom my love had meant nothing. I feel so broken inside, I do not want to be touched, I do not want any romance, ... just courtesy and service, patience .. . Lawrence, I hope this helps a bit, so you can see that what she might be going trough. It took you years to destroy your marriage, it will take you years to rebuild it. You have broken her heart, her dreams, everything... These take years of patient love and service to rebuild. It is so much easier to break things then to repair them....we are always impatient when we do get immediate results for our efforts."
posted at 21:45:54 on December 2, 2010 by Anonymous
Hang in there and don't doubt yourself    
"Don't let he doubts cause you to doubt yourself. You have to believe in your ability to heal and be sober. I know that when I lose faith in myself I am more likely to relapse. You and your wife can recover both separately and together. It may take time, but it can happen."
posted at 23:15:15 on December 2, 2010 by dstanley
anon-healing    
"Anon is right, it takes years of healing to repair a marriage. Nothing happens overnight

Everyone's situation with regards to this addiction is different. We may be similar in many ways, but our stories range from a few incidences of porn use to massive destruction of who knows what? If it takes years of you living a Christ like life before your wife responds (if ever), than that is the time she needs to trust again.

My situation is mine. It is hard to type on paper what is happening in my home, but it is very real to me and my family. I was afraid to hope, but the Lord told me to do it anyway. My husband had and still has no expectations. It is no longer about him. There is no talk of his wants or his feelings. He did ask me to be patient while he works on breaking some of his selfish habits. A person cannot force an Alma experience in their life. But when it happens, you and your family are never the same again. I have never seen it before, but my children have been coming to me and saying that Dad is different, that our home is different. There is a peace in my home that has never existed. There have been many times throughout the years that we have had peace and the spirit in our home, but again this is different. Believe me after 23 years of a pattern, I can see somehow the earth has shifted when it comes to BARM. The possibility is there for all, but the timing is the Lord's. Do I trust BARM completely?, no of course not. But, I do trust the Lord and in time BARM will earn his trust back. In the meantime, my heart is open because that is what God expects of me.

His experience did not just happen overnight. This has been him being lead by the spirit over the last 2 years. There were small changes. The Big mighty change of heart did happen in 1 day and it is the most real thing I have ever seen. Christ can really do this when we are ready. His change has inspired me in so many ways to live my life better than I have in the past.

Guys, hang in there and expect nothing, really expect nothing from her, she owes you nothing. She hurts and with your help and her opening her heart to allow the lord to fill it, she will come around.

I believe that one reason that BARM and I are on the fast track because I did open my heart and trust in the Lord. I put aside all fear and put my life in Heavenly Father's hands, and that was part of the Miracle. It will happen in the right time for all who trust in him!!! I never expected what is happening because I never knew it was possible. I guess that's how miracles work.

The Lord and he is healing me since March. I continue to Hold to the rod , put all trust in the Lord and keep on my own path. He will give us all truth according our willingness to receive. I promise.

Love,
Angel"
posted at 09:31:53 on December 3, 2010 by angelmom


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"Lucifer will do all in his power to keep you captive. You are familiar with his strategy. He whispers: “No one will ever know.” “Just one more time.” “You can’t change; you have tried before and failed.” “It’s too late; you’ve gone too far.” Don’t let him discourage you. When you take the path that climbs, that harder path of the Savior, there are rewards along the way. When you do something right, when you resist temptation, when you meet a goal, you will feel very good about it. It is a very different kind of feeling than you have when you violate commandments—an altogether different feeling. It brings a measure of peace and comfort and provides encouragement to press on. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990