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Just got a text
By They Speak
11/22/2010 3:53:48 AM
...from my ex-mistress. I don't know why it even bothers me. All she said is "Are you doing okay?". She's asking cause I haven't contacted her in months. I don't know why she wonders. For starters, aside from the fact she's my ticket to hell, she's out of her [edit] mind crazy manipulative [edit]!..who also happens to be brilliant (one reason she can manipulate me so well) and is a fantastic conversationalist...and i effing hate it that I still long for it sometimes. Anyway, my sponsor is out of town and I should probably talk to him about it. I know I shouldn't text back cause that's how she reels me in. And I'm not even talking about reeling me back into a relationship. She wants nothing to do with that. She reels me into her black hole vortex of chaos and makes me feel crazy and bad for shit I'm not even responsible for. She is a destroyer of my peace and serenity. No wonder I was so addicted to her. No wonder we got along so well. Birds of a feather...except I'm not a vindictive and compulsive strait faced lier. And after I get through step 5 i will never lie again. Do you hear that Code? NEVER! I hate lies. I'm not a lier. I'm getting emotional. I never lied till a few years ago. Can't wait to go back to ruthless open honesty always. I freaking hate lies. Not cause i've been lied to. But because i've lied. And I hate lies... Anyway, tangent. Even right now my mind is going over all the stupid stuff she'd say if she read this. She'd tell me I'm such a victim and its all in my head..! And if that didn't get to me she'd use something else to crawl in my brain and lay her eggs of madness. I can't win. Ever. That's why I'm just better off not getting sucked in by avoiding her altogether...besides the overwhelmingly obvious fact...I'M MARRIED! She reduces me to a bumbling idiot. I'm afraid of her. Who the am I afraid of!?! No mind intimidates me...except hers. How does she do this? Shes terrifying. I wish I could explain all the horrible stuff this woman did to me that I didn't even realize till after the fact. It was my fault for getting in that mess and I deserved it. But it still sucked. Anyway, I just needed to write that to remind myself that I want nothing to do with her...forget what I should or shouldn't do.

p.s. I think part of the problem is I do care for her and dispite what I say I think shes a good person...deep deep down. That's what hooks me. That and she knows me so damn well. Especially my dark passenger. And, in an bazaar effed up really unhealthy way, she still excepts me...as I her. Sucks.

Comments:

A Good Person    
"A good person does not text another MARRIED good person.

Keep being strong in the Lord and block her number from your phone!

You are helping D right now and satan wants to take you down, so you can't help anyone."
posted at 08:47:39 on November 22, 2010 by Anonymous
Block her number    
"That's what I had to do with my psycho ex. He sounds very similar to her. I have the same problem too. I think underneath all his issues he's a good person. I think part of me will never give up hope that he'll resolve his problems and be a good person.

Don't let her suck you in. You were a great help last night."
posted at 09:20:25 on November 22, 2010 by dstanley
You created an emotional bond with her    
"and that is why you are sucked in still. You gave the devil trough her power over you. Tell your wife all of this. You need to expose all of this to her, that is the only way out. If you are not honest with your wife, then your marriage has no chance. Go and expose all of this to your wife and block this women from contacting you. But you must decide, if you want to keep your marriage or you want to go and run away with this women. If your decision has been made then you need to change your phone, cut absolutely all tights with this women. There may be good in her still but is she an instrument in Satan's hand to destroy you?? But pls make a decision and stick by it. No contacting, she must have no ways whatsoever of reaching you!!!!!!Are you still with your wife?? Do you still want a marriage with her?"
posted at 10:19:29 on November 22, 2010 by Anonymous
Change your number    
"If this is even remotely an option I would do it. Change every way you can that she contacts you.

Some people do not get that you can no longer have them in your life. They are poison for you and your family. That doesn't make them bad, just bad for you.

(just read the above post - Anon - YES! AGREED)

And as Anon said. Tell your wife. She can be your biggest asset in this. Even if it is a struggling relationship.

As for her words and her mind. Christ combated them all saying little or nothing. Wisdom in man is foolishness, but wisdom in God is life eternal. Don't know if that's right or where it's from, I just was thinking of the prists that challenged Jesus with thier intelligence, hoping to catch him in a snare.

good luck."
posted at 10:36:31 on November 22, 2010 by Anonymous
I Think it was you Speak who said this!    
"" But undressing a soul? That takes communication. With both your spouse and the Lord. Open fearless communication. When the physical undressing follows...righteous fulfilling sex naturally ensues and no longer needs to be pursued. That's my opinion and experience. "

i can not emagine anything better than righteous and fullfilling intimacy!!!!

Don't let the lies overpower the real TRUTH! We all know who the father of telling tales is! He is very good at it. Very enticing, very thrilling, very exciting.....so smart and intellectually stimulating......then, in an instant, he will turn this beautiful tale into your worst nightmare. "
posted at 15:21:30 on November 22, 2010 by byourownhero
All valid points    
"Hero...what can I say that's my tale to the tee! And what a night mare! Maybe I'm being dramatic (she'd definitely say I am) but I feel like I made love to a black widow. Even approaching a black widow spider in it's dark corner is enticing, thrilling, and exciting. The intellectual rush! The saddest part is at the time truth be told I wanted to be bitten, poisoned, and murdered in the dark by this hypnotizing beauty in darkness. Thought insanely some how it would free me. Walked by degrees right up the web and said in devilish reciprocity of soul "How-do mam?"...you don't escape that

Literally, when I think of her text it's like I suddenly have this spider that I'm still semi enchanted, but petrified, by on my arm in dead silence waiting for my response...and I don't know whether to shew it, swat at it, or close my eyes and hope it goes away or what. Right now I'm just kindof hoping it goes away."
posted at 01:10:46 on November 23, 2010 by They Speak
Stop waxing poetic...    
"It's not poetic or intriquing. It's spiritual death disguising as your fantasy."
posted at 02:26:55 on November 23, 2010 by Anonymous
my little idea    
"Well here's my 2 cents. I am a mechanic + so I have helped people on the side + I am doing a job right now. I am fixing a car by a guy named abc + this lmnop girl is paying me, cause he doesn't have the money. Both are appreciative that I am doing this(its turned into a production...) + this lmnop girl wants to give me bj to pay for this...I declined...she has said this twice now...maybe my old self would have jumped at the chance, but that stuff just doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm trying to be good, and really I have no desire to do things with her...or any woman, right now. I want to get baptized again some day so fratrazing with someone like that isn't going to win me any points. Its not worth it, and I would regret it later. The cost of pain isn't worth the price

I just felt bad for her, cause she doesn't respect herself. She claims to be christian, and I was taken back by this. She says 'I'm fun'....ya...

So all I am saying is, I have had my fun times, + ya great, it hasn't won me the things I really wanted...true love...

So you can choose to do something else...change the course of your life...you see a rock in the road, you move to either side to avoid it, other wise your car gets busted....you loose time + money...which are things not easily replaced. You bust enough cars + tires you eventually learn how to swerve...

Swerve away from her, no matter how hot she is, how much fun she is, no matter how you feel around her...its fake + an illusion + satan is playing you...

You reply could be if she calls 'I'm sorry but we cant see each other. I wish you the best + please don't text me or call. Good bye"

But why I really like you....

I'm sorry, I repeat myself, we can't text or see each other. I have to go

Wait your being mean...

I'm sorry, this isn't about being offended...no more calls, other wise I will have to call the police. Good bye...

Persistance....stick to it...

If she asks why...that's a trap question...don't stay on the line..just repeat...I'm sorry I can't....

---wt"
posted at 07:21:51 on November 23, 2010 by Anonymous
Lust    
"What does the Lord tell us about lust? Do not think, do not hesitate, do not look, do not capitulate, TURN AND RUN! RUN and do not look back. Ephesians 2, Proverbs 9, Galatians 5."
posted at 10:39:42 on November 23, 2010 by Byourownhero
Waxing poetic?    
"Thanks anon. That was really helpful. Wait no it wasn't. It did nothing. It was a paltry waist of thought and in my mind aimed only at talcuming your own sore [edit] over both what i've done and my "waxing peotic"...woops, poeticness again...oh me

Spiritual death huh? Why don't you explain that to me with out using the words fire and brimstone...ya know? Since we're not using illusion and metaphor to impress truth upon the mind

That wasn't waxing poetic. Thats (the spider) literally what my mind sees. Don't come down on me cause my brain works different then yours. I have enough of that to work through in my forth step inventory dealing with K-12 (teachers like you).

I never even came close to connecting the reality of the situation I had put my wife in till i literally saw... I posted feebly (cause I'm no poet) what I saw in Overwhelmed. I was so greatful for that gift then. How dare you

This "poetry" is how reality becomes real for me. Your inertialess boring explanation means little and impresses upon my mind even less the gravity of my experience. So uh, thanks for nothin"
posted at 12:52:42 on November 23, 2010 by They Speak
Let it roll brother, let it roll...    
"I am not anon from above. Sorry for what they wrote. I would hope that you will not give them power over your progress. YOU HAVE COME SO FAR!!!!!!! I can only tell you how I would choose to interpret the phrase "spiritual death" and I could be so off from what they mean, but if I were reading it, this is how I would choose to interpret that phrase. Spiritual death as in separating myself further from the Lord if I choose to respond to the text. Keep on posting and let it roll of your back. They aren't worth you getting upset. Keep on pushing forward, you figured out what could happen and probably would happen, and you sound like in reality you really don't want it. People can be jerks and in reality they probably meant to help, it just didn't come across too well. You have made some wonderful insightful progress so Satan will try and pull you back. Sometimes that two steps forward one step back routine. Don't let a snide comment sent you one step back, it's not worth it."
posted at 13:57:42 on November 23, 2010 by Anonymous
Speak    
"I honestly think you suck at poetry!!!
So I would brush it off.
Anon was probably trying to warn you without beating around the bush.
Then again it is hard to see a bush around here."
posted at 14:05:15 on November 23, 2010 by ruggaexpat
ha!    
"Oh man, Rugg's zingin me! Ha

...thanks dudes. Seriously.

p.s. anon (cool anon) your interpretation got me thinkin. and thinkin gets me prayin. thanks man"
posted at 14:42:59 on November 23, 2010 by They Speak
Sorry they Speak but anon 1 has a point...    
"in my opinion. I always appreciate your remarks and you will not mind me telling you straight that I think you are romanticising or fantacising about this women or situation, it is a choice you make by seing it that way as well so you can loose yourself in the fantasy. If you saw it for what it was, you would probably not be enticed. Probably a poor woman, who is suffering greatly, does not have much going on in her life, does not accomplish much. A women who is not very wise, not very intelligent (when you are intelligent, you have more to do than texting married guys). Women that get involved with married man, have extremely low self-esteem, are wasting their time and their life away. Are profoundly wounded as children and are looking for anyways to feel better, they will take attention where they can find it. Their lives is full of pain and sorrow. And I bet you anything, watching way too much soapies confusing it with real life. I am a married women with kids but I love educating myself, learning, servidng, growing.... there is no time for messing around. She is not the black widow you see, just a poor lonesome, lost women, who needs to live her own life. Do her a service and ignore her. That is what both you and her need. You need to get on with real life, to live really, to accomplish your mission on earth, to help and serve, and grow... do not waste anymore time seing this for what it is not. You are an intelligent, sensitive man, you have a great potential, I can only imagine what good you can accomplish when you use your brain and intelligence, sensitivity for good. How many people you could help? You know you could, do not let your pain imprison you that you need to use and be used by a even more wounded, poor and sad women. You spirit wants so much more...
Crushed"
posted at 15:26:23 on November 23, 2010 by Anonymous
Disagreed    
"using imagery to paint reality makes it no less real. In fact it drives home reality! That's not romanticizing or fantasizing. Do you really think there is an iron rod, a great spacious building, a tree of life, 90 and 9 sheep, an olive orchered, fire and brimston that asendeth up forever and ever etc etc etc? Maybe there is but I don't think that's what Lord is trying to point our minds to. Catch my drift?

She is toxic for me (poisonous). I'm deathly afraid of her (I literally have arachnidphobia too). And I should avoid the darkness (spiritual death) she lurks in even though, yes, I'm curious like a cat (a confounded idiot). I don't want to be bitten/murdered/commit suicide again. Or if you prefer I don't want to be miserable and astranged from my God. Theres nothing romantic about that.

As far as who she is (intelligence ect) your making some pretty strong assumptions there Crushed. However, no doubt shes a broken soul. But that doesn't help me avoid her. On the contrary it drives toward her...I'll stick with the spider."
posted at 15:55:32 on November 23, 2010 by They Speak
P.s.    
"I defiantly don't mind you telling it straight. I love your straight forwardness :)

p.s.again W.T. Thank you man. Very good to hear from you. Genuinly. Sounds like your doing fantastic."
posted at 15:59:46 on November 23, 2010 by They Speak
Just reread    
"Your comment crushed. Just wanted to say thanks for the end of it especially. Means a lot coming from you. Really. And your right, I do know I could...and God willing I will :) thanks for the reminder..."
posted at 16:13:13 on November 23, 2010 by They Speak
Women with Married Men    
"Crushed,

I had a sexual relationship with a married man. Some of what you say about a woman that would be interested in a married man are absolutely true. I was lonely, sick, hurting, desparate, low self esteem, etc. On the other hand, I am a very intelligent person, don't watch soaps, etc. I was just making bad choices. He pursued me and I said yes. I was in a vulnerable position and rationalized it because he had cheated before. Anyways, my point being that you can't know all of those things about her just because she is texting a married man."
posted at 16:43:57 on November 23, 2010 by dstanley
I think our imagination is a gift from God    
"It is a wonderful gift and it can be a blessing when properly used. Again just speaking my mind. I think that if we use our imagination for good purposes with wich we can bless others. It is the gift that helps us draw closer to Christ and gives power to the sacrament as we imagine his broken body and his blood as we partake. We imagine it cleansing us. I often in my time of sorrow, imagine him holding me as I cried or talking to me. Imagination is a gift, but if you use it in this situation to make it more facinating than instead of it being a blessing, it becomes a way down. What if you imagine this women as a fat pig swimming in a lot of stinking pooh with floties everywhere trying to get you to take a swim in it with her, she smells and the smell of the pond is just so discusting... now are you a still curious cat? You know the pond is full of stinking crap....
Sorry if it comes off a little strong and I do not mean to offend.
And did not mean to offend about the spider lacking intelligence, but I was thinking of intelligence as light, the glory of God. Our intelligence should bring us closer to God. But all human beings are intelligent in the general sense, after all we are all made in the likeness of God, we are all his offspring no matter what choices we make.
crushed"
posted at 18:39:27 on November 23, 2010 by Anonymous
I reread myself    
"I really do not want to offend and I know if you and I and others were sitting together, we would have very interesting conversations.
I will pray for you that you come off victorious in this battle for your soul. How valuable do you think your soul is, for the battle is raging and is fierce!!!I think the adversary knows something about what you can do and will not let you go easily. Do not give up.
crushed"
posted at 18:48:15 on November 23, 2010 by Anonymous
and I am fond on what you have to say on my blogs    
"keep responding and thank you, I really appreciate it"
posted at 18:51:30 on November 23, 2010 by Anonymous
Oh boy I could spend all night talking about imagination and its purposes    
"But that description by crushed would make me flush any hint of evil down the bog.
That spider would have no chance next to any accompanied floaties. That was some serious imagery to characterize a bad choice.
Thanks guys I can now look at a Black Widow and feel no guilt smacking it into the next life. Equally I can now view flushing of the toilet as a sanctification process of cleaning the inner vessel.

Speak I am here to cheer you on buddy so imagine my routine...

Give me a F ... Give me a L ... Give me a U ... Give me a S ... Give me a H ...

What do you get? Whhhhoooosshhhhhh!!!!!"
posted at 19:14:57 on November 23, 2010 by ruggaexpat
I see what your saying    
"...but I don't feel like I'm creating a metaphor to fit the situation. I feel like the situation creates the metaphor. If I tried (try being a key word here) to use your pig analogy, though probably true in a lot of respects, my brain would just say "buuuulll [ediiiiit]". Cause I see it different. I know it and my brain knows I know it. The fact is there was a strong element of intrigue. I'm not gonna live in denial about that. I mean come on your the straight shooter ;) ya gotta call a duck a duck...or a spider a spider...or a Delilah a Delilah

Anyway, we could on and on about spiritual crocodiles, satans fly fishing, and the pornography pine beetle... Had I been able to put -Tomas S. after my little spider likening (obviously it was no Tomas S. quality) everyone would a been totally cool like "yeah, I can see how that applies bla-ba-dee-bla".

Suffice it to say had I proceeved her the way I do today I probably wouldn't have messed around with it...but then maybe I had to get stung to see it for what it was..?

Be as strong as you like. You're not offending me"
posted at 19:23:58 on November 23, 2010 by They Speak
Ha!    
"Thanks Rugg. I'm working on it. But shes like a turd that won't flush! Oh man somebody stop us!"
posted at 19:28:35 on November 23, 2010 by They Speak
Somehow    
"...i missed your last 2 posts Crushed. You'd be hard pressed to offend me as long as you're sincere and of anyone on here you seem to me as sincere as they come. I'm glad (relieved) to hear you don't mind my posts. Sometimes i've worried with you and my being or sounding a little (a lot) callused about some of this. You're a trooper. And I'm sure we would all have an engaging conversation and get along swimmingly.

Thanks for the prayer. I won't quit :) Cheers"
posted at 20:53:39 on November 23, 2010 by They Speak
OK then bring in the heavy artillery    
"The ancient solution:

The good old long drop box!

Ok I am stopping this now sorry people just having some fun.
I need to repent of all this light mindedness."
posted at 21:11:01 on November 23, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Light heartedness    
"Theres a difference. Joseph Smith was light hearted...maybe we're pushin it. Ha!"
posted at 21:15:50 on November 23, 2010 by They Speak
Look into the post that pissed you off so much and figure out why.    
"You don't hit on emotions like that without coming close to the source."
posted at 10:28:31 on November 24, 2010 by Anonymous
I don't have to look hard    
"I knew exactly why it pissed me off as soon I was angry...and I choose not to care. It wasnt my anger towards anon alone I was wielding it was the fury of 12 years of feeling misunderstood and pigeon holed by retards. I'm still a six year old that wants to strangle mrs. bozinbark (and a few others) untill she turns blue and cold in my tiny hands while I scream and cry in guilt "why, why, why, why??". I was just little guy alone and wanting to learn...and punished for both. Like I mentioned, got plenty of that to work out and let go of in my fourth step. I know I gotta look inside and find where I was wrong and bla bla....but I'm on step 3 :) Something I gotta work on."
posted at 12:29:30 on November 24, 2010 by They Speak


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" Is it possible to reclaim a life that through reckless abandon has become so strewn with garbage that it appears that the person is unforgivable? Or what about the one who is making an honest effort but has fallen back into sin so many times that he feels that there is no possible way to break the seemingly endless pattern? Or what about the person who has changed his life but just can't forgive himself?The Atonement of Jesus Christ is available to each of us. His Atonement is infinite. It applies to everyone, even you. It can clean, reclaim, and sanctify even you. That is what infinite means—total, complete, all, forever. "

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