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Struggling
By dstanley
11/21/2010 8:13:40 PM
I haven't been commenting on much lately because I'm really struggling. I'm depressed and I'm losing hope. I haven't gotten much sleep lately because I've been staying up late to avoid going to bed before I'm tired. I feel like I have to choose between sleep and sobriety. I don't have patience with my kids when I'm not getting sleep. My oldest son's dad is still causing me grief. It looks like I'm going to have to take him to court to get him to pay his share of my son's tuition (he goes to private school). I'm tired physically and emotionally. I'm not sure I have it in me right now to fight this addiction too. I want to be sober and go to the temple, but that's not going to happen any time soon anyways, so what's the point.

D

Comments:

My dear SISTER!    
"DS

Hello there dear sister! You have been on my mind a lot lately! I have watched the ebbs and flows of your depression and knew that we needed to talk soon so I can see if anything I learned in my time of depression as a young mom could help any. I did not always fight addicton, that has only been a small portion of my life; But I have spent much of my life fighting depression, fighting to have and keep the spirit in myself and in my home. I feel your pain so very much.

A few brief ideas are these.
- "be about your Father's work". This saying we use in our home to help us focus. If idleness is an issue, work more. For me, my "mindless" tasks if the day (dishes,laundry, diapers), created an idle mind. A breeding ground for thoughts of self pity, depression, anger, and resentment. From this idea of "being about my Father's work", I had several routes to go for help. If I needed rest, I would pray, and play with my children, on the floor. In my mind I would look to see if I could notice thier spiritual Gifts (our lesson today in Relief society Chapter 22). I would ask God to bless me to feel his love for them, and understand thier specific needs so I can meet the most important ones always, while, when I needed to lighten my load, I would let go of the rest. I would pray for peace and calm constantly as needed. If I had energy, then I would go get fresh air and excersize with my children. Have a "happy" party and celebrate them.

When I was with very young children, I would have my scriptures by my "chair" I would feed them in, and open to where I was. I would get a few verses each feeding. Or I would study topically (in the bible dictionary or topical guide). In both instances, I would pick a scripture or idea to ponder throughout the day.

These did not always work, but they did work.

Oh DS hang ON!!! I can feel that you are hurting and I remember that so well!! Immerse your life in Him. Prayers. His word, His love.

I found this talk that may be of some help.

http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-353-5,00.html />
Faith through Tribulation Brings Peace and Joy Elder Robert D. Hales
However dark conditions may seem in this world today, whatever the storms we are facing personally, . . . joy can be ours now.

With that, if you want to talk more specifically, here I am
4intow@gmail.com

take care and GOOD LUCK! My heart is FULL of prayers for you!

4"
posted at 21:34:18 on November 21, 2010 by 4intow
Thanks    
"I have a hard time with spiritual stuff when I feel this way. I have a hard time doing anything that isn't essential. The only thing I really want to do right now is act out. I'd really like to get online and find a guy to meet up with, but I can't with kids. I'm thinking about getting online and chatting, but I haven't decided if I'm ready for that to show up on my Covenant Eyes report for my bishop and friend to see. I think I've given up on being sober tonight. It's just a matter of what. I can't go to bed like this and stay sober."
posted at 23:55:58 on November 21, 2010 by dstanley
Exercise    
"Do some jumping jacks, sit ups until you cannot do any more, push ups, lunges, squats, you do not need equipment to do this and you may get some of the natural brain drugs you are craving right now. PRAY WHILE YOU ARE EXERCISING. CAST SATAN OUT!! Tell your Heavenly Father why you have to do this thing you think you have to do. He will help you.....If you want him to....."
posted at 00:16:02 on November 22, 2010 by byourownhero
Talk kinder to yourself!    
"I have noticed how supportive you are of other people who are struggling. You always are so kind and say the right things. Look back on your comments to others. Make those comments to yourself. You are a worthy person who deserves to have that same loving support given to yourself."
posted at 00:21:10 on November 22, 2010 by byourownhero
D    
"So your bishops letter kinda got under my skin for a few days. I started thinking about how I always hear "we are saved by grace after all we can do" and how if I heard that one more time I was gonna knock someone out. Then in a meeting it came to me. Maybe it will help

The reason "after all we can do" pisses me off so much is because in the church it carries with it a certain connotation. Read my scriptures, say my prayers, do my home teaching, fulfill my callings, pay my tithing, go to church, raise good kids, be a good spouse, be a good employee, have FHE, be Good neighbor, be nice, and that's not mention any of the don'ts from rated R movies to soda to swearing and bla bla bla wa wa wa wa bla bla wa bla blaaaaaaaaa (SHUT UP!!!)....now His grace will kick in. Ya know? After all you can do. Other wise quit crying about your hand being in the rat trap. You didn't earn your measure of grace necessary to keep your hand out of it. That's the stereo type. Good up standing mormon.

I know based on my experience that that is false because i've witnessed Gods grace long before all i could do and even when I was being all out rebellious. Not only that but step one completely debunkes that non sense. "All I can do" looks like a very well managed life and mine is so utterly and powerlessly unmanageable I can't possibly fathom having to waite till after all I can do to be worthy of grace. I need grace the whole way through. I need grace to do anything. Literally. I truly do. I felt like maybe at best I can pray. And even then.

Then it hit me. No scriptures are stereotypical. All we can do is intimate between me and the Lord. Only He knows what's expected of me. There is no standard cookie cut idea of what all anyone can do. I know that's simple but it was a big revelation to me.

The Serenity prayer is the key to knowing what we can do in order to be saved by grace. That may not be a lot. You got a shiz ton on your plate. Don't wait for perfection on the mormon check list to enlist the Lord. You need Him to do any of it. I couldn't handle everything your going through with out Him. Hell sometimes all I can do is open my eyes in the morning...after that His grace saves me. If I'll surrender to it. Instead of busying myself with impotently waisting my time trying to be worthy (power-ful as opposed to powerless) of His grace. I think you get what I'm saying.

So in the end your bishops letter really helped me on my journey. Ha! Endless irony"
posted at 00:28:20 on November 22, 2010 by They Speak
I don't know how    
"I don't know how to pray the way I feel. I want help, but I don't know that I trust that He'll help me. It's easy to tell other people it will work (and believe it), but it's different to believe that it will work that way for me. I'm discouraged. I want someone in my life to love and support me. That's where the chatting comes in. I know all the guy wants is sexual stuff, but at least I fell wanted and not alone."
posted at 00:30:57 on November 22, 2010 by dstanley
Tried Praying    
"and it isn't working. My mind either goes blank or is all over the place worrying about everything. So I'm still up, wide awake, and wanting to act out."
posted at 01:21:48 on November 22, 2010 by dstanley
Don't act out yet. my phone    
"Is pissing me off!!! I've been trying to post. Hang tight (not that I have any prefect answers but maybe some help)"
posted at 01:28:38 on November 22, 2010 by They Speak
Well    
"...i had all this stuff written. But now all that's coming to mind is are you really trying to pray to your Father? Talk to your Dad? Let Him have it! All of it. "
posted at 01:33:57 on November 22, 2010 by They Speak
Talk Him through    
"...the process even. "God...hey man. So heres the deal I wanna hop on the net right now and talk dirty to some fellas. I don't care about the Spirit right now. Frankly I don't even trust you right now. I guess I somehow trust an online fantasy man will meet my needs more then you. I can't change this. Can you help me?" Ya know? Something like that. Maybe with a few swear words. He can take it. As long as your goal is getting past that place you just need to freak out on the big man and become one with him."
posted at 01:41:07 on November 22, 2010 by They Speak
OK    
"So maybe I'm trying to be too "right" about praying. It probably doesn't help that I never really talked to my own dad much. I'll give it another shot. All I'm doing right now is playing solitaire hoping I'll get tired before I login to the chat site."
posted at 01:56:00 on November 22, 2010 by dstanley
Aw-oh    
"You just logged off.

Sorry I wasnt better help. I had this perfect post and I swear satan deleted it twice. Anyway, I guess one other thing I would have said that's starting to help me is trusting even my sins to God. I know somehow that seems counter to the gospel and I'm praying to understand. But I just feel like in order to recover the Lord is trying to train me to trust even my mistakes to Him. Past AND future. I'm tired of feeling like I'm only allowed to trust God when I'm not on the brink of destruction. I need to trust Him even if that means He's going to let me make mistakes even when i don't understand why I'm making them ect. He is the Savoir. I'll let Him do it how he will. For me that eliminates a lot if fear which I feel drives me to darkness.

Anyway, don't know if that helps. Good luck"
posted at 01:58:38 on November 22, 2010 by They Speak
Oh nice    
"...i didn't see your reply. Good luck"
posted at 01:59:33 on November 22, 2010 by They Speak
So that went better    
"I think not worrying so much about being proper and just saying it like it is helped. Not sure it's going to keep me sober, but at least I can say I tried. When you said it (your example prayer) it made what I'm thinking seem kind of lame, but it's still what I want to do. My mind is so reliving past experiences. I really just want someone to hold me, but I'm at that point that I'll take what I can get."
posted at 02:12:34 on November 22, 2010 by dstanley
Einstein    
"...said in one of the biography's "a man can do as he will but he can't will a he wills" now that's a six thousand year old debate but what i've found is prayer can change my will (or change what I understand is my will). Either through the intervention of a person (like my little brother last night. Was gonna go get drunk and go to a strip club. And he called...after I prayed. Changed everything) or just helping me focus on something else...ends the obsession. But first I have to get very honest with God about exactly what my will is...and my powerlessness over it. Doesn't always work. But it works allot. And like I said, I'm starring to trust even when it doesn't work to the Lord."
posted at 02:26:32 on November 22, 2010 by They Speak
Aaaaggghhhh    
"I think I'm at the point where I need to go to sleep, and if it takes acting out to fall asleep then that's the way it's going to have to be. I installed Yahoo chat to see if the guy I last chatted with happened to be online. He's not, so now I'm going to have to do without or get on a site that's going to get flagged."
posted at 03:18:14 on November 22, 2010 by dstanley
Thanks everyone    
"It was close, but I made it through last night. I can already tell that today is going to be a battle. I got so little sleep and my IBS is acting up and causing tons of pain. I'm going to try though."
posted at 09:24:16 on November 22, 2010 by dstanley
WOOHOOO!    
"YOU ARE SO STRONG!!!! You did awesome. No thanks to me - life called me away from the computer. BUT YOU DID IT! Time to throw yourself a party. Put on your favorite soothing music. Happy music.

God Loves you. And so do we.

4"
posted at 10:27:42 on November 22, 2010 by 4intow
Celebrate?    
"I don't know if it's time to celebrate yet. I still want to do it this morning and I'm half way there. I've got the messenger software installed and open, half hoping the man I contacted before will login. I'm safe until my son goes down for his nap, but I don't know how long I can keep this up. I feel like it is inevitable, like anything I do now is just delaying it. I know that's what Satan wants me to think, but when I keep relapsing, what else am I supposed to think?"
posted at 10:51:19 on November 22, 2010 by dstanley
I wish    
"...i didn't know how you feel.

I have no clue why I'm awake right now. Yeah, I'm alluding to, God woke me up. Damn you D. Damn you. Jk. I was trying to think about myself in your shoes and for the most part I was just like "meh shes screwed"...but the thing is you're not.

I say, first quit worrying/fearing the worst. Trust it to the Lord. If it happens he'll take care of you. He is the savoir. maybe he's trying to teach you something by letting you mess up. Maybe He's trying to disabuse you of the pride that you can save yourself or something like that. Who knows. And I don't think thinking like that is a free ticket to act out. I personally think it's paradoxically the opposite. Obviously though if you act out there is something you haven't learned yet. That's great! What an adventure! So, maybe if your certain your going to or that He's not going to get you out of this mess ask Him what your haven't learned. Explore. I know some may disagree with me on that. But I don't care. Just trust him. Even if your doom is inevitable. I think that still qualifies as being saved from your sins not in them. As long as your trying. And make no mistake you're trying.

Second, I know it doesn't seem like it will ever go away till you act out. It will. Your brain is a retard right now and probably won't believe it. Don't trust your brain. Have faith.

Third, your a crazy person right now. Be totally cool with that. Don't try to fool yourself into thinking you want something you don't. You don't want righteousness. Okay. That's cool. Be cool with it. Accept it. Now you can't boast when Jesus saves you. You'll love Him because He first loves you. Again I don't buy this non sense that we have to make the first move (that kinda goes into my after all you can do theory-well it's more of a hypothesis right now but both my experiments with sobriety and observations of my relapses are failing to disprove my hypothesis. So perhaps one day I'll consider it a workable reliable theory for Code in explaining a wide variety of addictive phenomena.). So just have faith inspite of your wickedness.

Fourth, your a crazy person right now. Tell a sain person and follow them.

It may not work out for you. But see if you can trust God even if that's the case.

Sorry for the advice. I hate giving advice. And maybe it's no goods. Heaven knows I don't have this down and I'll probably be on here tonight boo hoo-in that I'm drunk and doing something stupid. So take it for what little it's worth. A person further down recovery could say. But man I just feel like your howl at the moon crazy right now. And if there is one thing I understand it's crazy! Pffweew, I don't envy you right now.

I may be projecting here and talking to myself. This may be for me. Anyway, good luck"
posted at 11:19:17 on November 22, 2010 by They Speak
Count every success    
"Remember, although you are still wanting all of this, you DID succeed last night. Every greuling hour and minute. You did not act out.

When life is this hard you H-A-V-E to count every success no matter how small. Positives reinforce positives.

No matter what - God and the Savior still love you. Remember he DID experience this EXACT thing."
posted at 11:53:05 on November 22, 2010 by Anonymous
Time to Celebrate    
"I'm coming late to this one, but it IS time to celebrate, D. ANY success is time to celebrate when we are fighting the war we are all fighting together.

Look back over this post. See who is on your team. We are all here for you, and we are SO happy you made it through last night. You are a GOOD daughter of God, and He loves you so much. Congrats on last night!

I completely agree with They Speak's method of praying. That is the only way to do it. When you pray alone, tell your Father EXACTLY how it is for you...exactly what you are thinking. Don't bother with being proper. Tell him what you are thinking, feeling, struggling with, etc. Tell him flat out that you don't feel like praying--but that you WANT to feel like praying. Tell him you don't know what to pray for or what to focus on. Ask Him to help you.

He DOES hear your prayers. He WILL answer them when you come to him honestly and openly like that. He IS there for you. Seek Him out!!

Love and prayers,"
posted at 11:56:21 on November 22, 2010 by beclean
Also    
"...if this helps bump stuff up from your limbic system into your prefrontal cortex; that man your waiting for hoping he'll login?..is probably married D. He's probly just like me.

Don't feel guilty for that. That's the worst thing you could do. Just recognize it for what it is. And maybe realize you don't want to participate."
posted at 11:56:30 on November 22, 2010 by They Speak
OK    
"So I'll celebrate last night's success. I just picked my oldest up from school early because of the snow, so I won't be doing anything during the day. I'm actually feeling a little bit better right now. My mom and I went to Costco and had lunch. It was good to get out of the house and be distracted. I'm about to go out and watch my son play in the snow while the little one sleeps. If I can find some gloves I might throw some snowballs at him. My counselor was taking this week off but has now said that he will see me if I want, so I think I'll go see him Wed.

It does help to remember that he's probably married (although I hope not because we almost met up). I thought about that once before and wondered how many of the guys I've chatted with have been married.

Thanks for everyone's help. Hopefully the rest of today will go well and this will be Day 4 and I can build a little confidence again."
posted at 15:00:36 on November 22, 2010 by dstanley
Sounds Healthy!    
":D all smiles! Good job, D and good job all who helped. Especially Speak, I think you were soooo helpful. D. Just think of this cheering squad you have behind you. You are not alone."
posted at 15:55:32 on November 22, 2010 by byourownhero
!!!    
"Early school day?! Feeling better?! Costco lunch?! Snow ball fights!! You think that's coincidence??? Step 2! Eureka! That's the power of God! I think theres a song about that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMkU-Qf_3N0"
posted at 17:24:54 on November 22, 2010 by They Speak
You Go Girl    
"As all believers know, there are no coindences....And.... you just experienced divine intervention!!! Speak, you know a little something abount that, now dontcha?

Way to go on your success. You are beautiful and you are divine!!!!

Let your light so shine, you are on your way !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Angel"
posted at 17:30:31 on November 22, 2010 by Anonymous
Except    
"I'm right back to where I was last night. I feel shitty about my life and I don't care. I want to nap, but I'm not sure I can fall asleep before giving in. I may stay down here on the couch. I hate my life and myself to a certain extent."
posted at 17:33:26 on November 22, 2010 by dstanley
I wrote this to Angel on my birthday may 22    
"Hows your health?

Disclamer: this may be irrelevent

You sound depressed. Duh right? Sounds to me like your doing everything you need to spiritually. How are you doin physically? I know for me, and this is just me, that when I'm not doing to well often times the way I feel physically is a huge contributor if not the only contributor. When I don't feel good physically I see cercumstances in a differnt light/dark and often its weeks before I realize its not whats going on around me that is causing my dismay but whats going on inside me. I then seek to remedy my physical stress and 9 out of 10 times though the things that are going on around me are still happening I can handle them and i proceev (just sound it out my friend...just sound it out) them much diffently.

Remember the temple...we need to be nurished constantly both spiritually AND physically.

For me my list of things to consider when I'm feelin blue, off, anxious, fragile, unmotivated, or just not myself are thus:

#1 is Sleep. With in days of irregular sleep patterns (like right now :) I can expect to feel certifably howel at the moon crazy. Thats why maybe you shouldn't be reading this...your listening to a crazy person! Ha.

#2 is Exercise. If im generally inactive (the American way) for more then a week or so I begin to lose intrest and motivation for...everything. It's hard to notice how rad life is when I hear the birds, smell the air or see the clouds in a seting sun when my body is to filled with unworked angst to feel enything else...whether im concious of it in the moment or not. I know if I feel monotone inside or the finess of experience seems dull then i need to drag my self out for some activity

#3 Diet. Whole foods rock. Sugars and stimulants suck. Over eating will kill ya. This usually takes months. At around 190 pounds I'm starting to feel the mental earth quakes a rumbling the shelves on the wall but nothin major...i can manage. At 205 I can expect 5.0s and up on the emotional rickor scale daily...untill I do something. Plenty of exercise and good food and water and oxygen is my red cross when I've let it get this far untill I get back down to stable (under 185 180).

I haven't been over wieght or rediculously unhealthy in years and Im very greatful. Honestly truth be told given my current spiritual situation had my physical not been where it is and utilized for sanity like it has...it would of undoubtably been the death of me.

All this was just a thought. Maybe your a vegetarion marathon runner who knows. But it deffinetly sounds to me like your doing everything you can spititually. If a car with a full tank a gas wont start cause it has a dead battery...you dont try to put more gas in it. Ya dig? That doesn't mean i'm assuming its your health. or that praying more wont help. it could be a spark plug a carborator or your husband is just bein a butt or any number of things. The health thing is just what came to my mind as i read your post. God will help you know what your needs are. Good luck sista!

p.s. I sure am learning about "coincidences" Angel!"
posted at 18:06:42 on November 22, 2010 by They Speak
Oh and    
"D, listen to the lyrics of that song. I thought I was just being cleaver but ol Huey Lewis nailed it!

Sorry, if im hoggin the comment board"
posted at 18:13:54 on November 22, 2010 by They Speak
How are you meds?    
"Hey sista D,

How are your meds? I remember you said something about meds, or was that someone else? My son was diagnosed with Manic (I have a story about pride and me on this later). He leared that he can't get his addiction under control unitl his disorder is treated. He just started on Lithobid. It only started 2 days ago, so I will need to share what happens as we learn from his reports, but accouring to Dr. Weiss (who treats thousands of addicts from all over the world and all different spiritual beliefs), if there is a disorder or menal condition, that must be addressed first. Then through recovery efforts, the addict is able to stay sober. I hope to report good news in the coming weeks and months!

Is this something you are doing? If so maybe you need to look at trying new meds.

D, you know that you cannot beat this. You know that you cannot think happy thoughts and it will go away. Singing a hymn can be nice, but you are an addict, and no amount of willpower will stop you. Just like you did last night, look to the Lord and trust in him. Look at this addiction for what it is and talk to it... "You suck", I know who you are", you are only here to hurt me and my children", You want to take the light out of my life", "you want to bring evil into my home", Well, &%^&$#@ you addiction.... Grab your pillow and scream in to it!!! Write it all down in a journal Then get on this blog. One of us is always here for you. We love you, we really do.

Now, go to work daring girl, and I will log off right now, get my knees, and ask the Lord rush a million angels to your side, please ask to see them in your heart.

Anyone wanna join me in prayer for our Sista D????

Okay then, lets get busy...

Angel"
posted at 20:40:08 on November 22, 2010 by angelmom
They Speak and Angel    
"I'll have to wait to listen to the song. I'm not doing well with my spiritual, emotional, or physical health.

I'm on meds. I was doing really good on this combination, but I don't know now. (and it was me that said it) I totally agree that controlling the addiction while the depression is out of control is not going to happen, although I'm trying not to use that as an excuse to act out. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 8th.

I know I can't beat it on my own, I'm just not sure I can beat it with help either. I'll try to try though.

Thanks for the prayers and all the help.

D"
posted at 21:35:29 on November 22, 2010 by dstanley
Just be careful    
"My little sister killed herself 3 days after they switched her meds. My mom told her the morning of the evening she did it that she felt like the switch was not going well and that maybe she needed to get um checked out...to late. I know almost everyone it seems is on some kinda drug these days and not everyone ends up like my sister. Just be careful. Both you D and Angel your son.

"
posted at 23:06:43 on November 22, 2010 by They Speak
I am and will be    
"Sorry about your sister. I was suicidal once, after having sex with my first husband after we separated the second time but before the divorce was final. I think that was a big part of me seeing how out of control things were (that I couldn't stop the sex). I'm happy to say though that someone from church helped save my life. She gave me something to look forward to and when things were rough I just kept reminding myself that I had to get my son to the ward campout so he could sleep in a TeePee. I've never again wanted to kill myself, but I have often known the feeling of just wanting it all to end, such that if someone told me I'd die if I stayed where I was, I might not rush to get out of where I was. Thinking about it, I definitely need to have a conversation with my psychiatrist. I also definitely think that my addiction is worst when I am most depressed. Depressed and feeling alone are a bad combination for me. I tend to start looking for men. Like tonight. I feel a little better, but I still keep checking messenger and debating getting on the chat sites. What I really want is a real, healthy relationship, yet chatting seems like an OK thing to settle for."
posted at 00:03:59 on November 23, 2010 by dstanley


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"Just as the landfill requires dedicated work and attention, laboriously applying layer after layer of fill to reclaim the low-lying ground, our lives also require the same vigilance, continually applying layer after layer of the healing gift of repentance.…Our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, feel sorrow when we choose to remain in sin, when the gift of repentance made possible through the Atonement can clean, reclaim, and sanctify our lives. When we gratefully accept and use this precious gift, we can enjoy the beauty and usefulness of our lives... "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006