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My Husband and His Recovery
By angelmom
11/21/2010 3:26:43 AM
I decided to post an update in hopes that it may inspire someone who reads this blog.

Rugga has asked for people to talk about how their spouse helped them recover. My husband will be writing about that in the next couple of days in hopes to share some very important information which will (b)help wives heal(b) , and that healing in turn helps husbands as well

I am posting so late because we have spent another evening up through the night sharing and learning. I am especially learning.... We have 23 years to catch up on, so I think we will be having many late nights to come...

My husband and son returned this week from their intensive treatment for pornography addiction. I know we still have a long way to go, but I feel in my heart that some things are different (and not because we are in a honeymoon cycle). I know that I need to continue my walk with my Savior as that is key to my recovery. However I have to say that through everything my hubby has gone through to overcome his addiction, this is the very first time I feel that he really get’s it. The tools he was given coupled with our 12 step recovery will lead us to recovery. In the last 4 days my husband has shared more of himself with me and more of his heart with me than he has in the last 23 years.

He told me that he is 100% at fault for the problems in our home because he did not lead us as Heavenly Father expected. With tears and humility (hubby will rarely cry) he said that through his involvement with porn, he brought evil into our home. Still speaking with much humility he said that he has spent the last 23 years of our marriage mostly thinking of himself and that he now has new priorities, which are God, Me, and Family. He told me that he has been withholding love, praise, and intimacy. He has learned through the process of his therapy that he bonded to an object or false image instead of his wife. This is why spouses feel little or no closeness with addicted spouses. He told me that he expects nothing from me and that he is responsible to bring the spirit back into our home and to lead our family.

As I have been working my 12 steps, praying many times a day, and setting some boundaries, I can see where I need to change, so please understand that I am not just thinking that if he changes then everything will just be perfect.
He said that when he met me I was doing all of the things that Heavenly Father wanted me to do. It is true that my life was and had been pointing toward heaven. I was a convert of three years and changed my life and was truly born again. His life was okay and he was clean when we married. He said that he was not doing anything “bad” but he was not striving to live a gospel centered life as much as he should have. He feels that he destroyed me and did not lift me because his heart was set on the some wrong things when we got married (sex). He followed all of the rules, but he was still messed up as many who have been addicted are. Of course, he did not understand this at the time. It is true that right away I knew something was off. He was never really able to connect from the very beginning. This is sometimes referred to as intimacy anorexia.
The validation he gave me was something I never had before. He is learning a new way and beginning to understand and learn to change something that has been passed down from generation to generation with the men in his family and now he passed it to his sons. He is determined to break the cycle.

I hear so much about the addicted spouse wanting sex. The fight is all about sex. Not enough sex, and so on…… Sex is of the world. Marriage is not about sex and how fun and kinky you can make it in the bedroom. It is about intimacy. He said that he has learned that the more he makes it about the Lord and about me, that the physical relationship between us will be better than anything we can imagine. He said that this has been proven true with thousands of recovering addicts all over the world. The reports are that the more connected to God and the spouse the addicts is, the more intense the intimacy. So the truth is that new techniques and so forth do not need to be researched in worldly ways because God knows what he is doing with the most precious gift he gives us, the power to create. If we trust him, he gives us more than we thought possible and yes, that means great sex. If his motivation is just to have more and good sex, he will never get there in the ways he tried in the past because worldly lust is based in selfishness and thus never fulfilled. All it does is leave everyone in the relationship empty and alone. But God like love brings blessings to everyone in the family.
He has been trying to change because he loves the Lord and he loves me, he just did not know how. He feels that he now has all of the tools and the Lord as his companion and that he is well on his way. He has set boundaries for himself and he has three things he does daily which he must initiate with me . 1- Couples prayer twice daily 2- Sharing emotions through words 3- giving honest praise . He considers it a slip if he does not initiate all three daily’s by 9:00 pm. He said that If he slips, then he must do a chore that I choose. Today he forgot to initiate some of the daily’s before 9:00 pm, so he is doing the dishes as I type write this post (I think I like these kind of slips). I did not come up with any of this, it is what he feels he must do to begin bringing trust and intimacy into our marriage. He calls to check in with men in his group throughout the day to report his “daily’s”. His therapist calls this being a “real man”, and he agrees.

There is so much more to share, but my post is already too long. I just wanted to say that although I know that change takes time, for the first time in my marriage I feel that he wants to change. Not because I want him to change, and not so he can get more sex, but because he really loves me and truly wants to honor the Lord, honor me, and honor his family. In other words, his changing is not about him, it is about his God, and his family…and that is something I have never seen before…So far, I love it, and today I feel loved and cherished.

BTW, my son is making similar plans for his life and is sober this week.

Hurrah for Israel
Angel

Comments:

Awesome,    
"And I really needed to hear that at this time, Thanks!"
posted at 06:30:10 on November 21, 2010 by mangaso
Please Check Later    
"My Husband and I stayed up much later after I wrote that post. I am getting to know him in a way I never have before He shared more about what brought him to the realization of what he did to hurt me and our family. We cried and heald each other as he shared some very important information with me that helped me understand that he now sees this for exactly what it is and what he will do to help me heal. It is very strongly worded and if you really want to know the truth and want to help your wife heal, please look for his post in the next couple of days.


Wishing you a beautiful Sunday!

Angel"
posted at 11:32:14 on November 21, 2010 by angelmom
beautiful    
"I am so happy for this EXCITING time in your life, and your marriage. It sounds so beautiful. I feel the love he has for you and His Savior in your words. Here is praying for 'the windows of heaven to continue in pouring out blessings, that there is not room enough to receive it.'
4
ps - what is your husbands name on this site?"
posted at 11:42:14 on November 21, 2010 by 4intow


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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990