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By mangaso
11/18/2010 2:49:27 PM

Starting a journal after not having kept one for over 20 years is not easy. How do you recap your entire married life, the raising of 4 children, and get in all the emotions, ups and downs life throws at you. You don't, so I'll write mostly about the here and now. Why am I starting a journal now? What prompted me now? Well, bottom line is I feel like I've hit rock bottom in my life. My marriage is hanging on by a thread. I've become inactive in church. My communication skills with my children is poor at best. I've become a loner in life in general. I don't socialize well with anyone for that matter. And I've come to loath myself. Seems like a great time to start a journal to me! The truth is I want to correct these things but I know that I can't do it alone. I know because I've tried. I've tried a lot. How did I let myself get to this point? Very good question, and i'm sure there are a multitude of reasons. But as much as I hate having to say this, the #1 reason for the state of my life right now is Pornography. Pornography has controlled my life for a very long time now. It is my dirty little secret. And though the means of obtaining porn have changed over the years, the results have been the same. Porn has eroded my ability to live my life. It has taken all the trust out of my marriage. Kept me from succeeding in life. It has prevented me from growing spiritualy in the church. It has enveloped my life in just about every area. If people think that pornography is just a harmless passtime, they don't understand the negative power it has on our soul. I'll write more about this later, But for now I want to get back to why I'm starting this journal. Because, I want my life back. I want my marriage back. I want my kids back. I want a friend.

Last Wednesday night was about the 100th time since we've been married that she discovered once again that I'd relapsed into porn surfing on the computer. Not much had changed, usually there is yelling, threats, crying and apologies. And so it was Wednesday night. If I had to point out one difference this time it would be lack of crying. Why? It's obvious that my wife is too tired to cry anymore. Why waste the effort? She has been programed to know that it will just be a matter of time before all my apologies and promises are broken, and that nothing will ever change. I don't blame her for losing all hope. I've lost it myself. But in the past I know I've blamed her. I know I've blamed many people and many situations for my faults. Am I done doing that? I hope. I know that I'm now atleast acknowleging that fact.

So, What's different this time if anything? I'm not sure. Am I cured? No. Do I have a plan? Maybe. I do know that if I don't do something different this time...I meant really different, then history will repeat itself again and again and I will completely lose everything that have including my marriage and my soul. So...that is why I've started this journal. This is to hopfully be the begining of my journey from hell. And I'm hoping to bring those that may someday read this along for the bumpy ride. What is my plan for escaping? In one word my plan is "Christ". How is this going to happen? I really don't know. But for the very first time in my life i'm going to submit my will to him like I've read and heard other people talk about. And yes that is the only plan I have right now. I've tried a lot of other plans...over 100 to be exact. Yes, I've thought about doing that in the past and have asked for help from him many times. But never have I honestly and fully submitted to his will. Not positve I can do it this time either, but I'm going to give it my best shot and put it in his hands. Ok...here we go! I'm about to get on my knees before I head off to work today. signing off until later.

Comments:

I had a special feeling to open my personal blog for you    
"Good job checking in here. I've been going to 12 step for 9 months. I haven't been perfect, but this has given me a lot of hope:

http://www.ldsar.org/ViewBlog.aspx?EntryId=9356"
posted at 15:16:28 on November 18, 2010 by lawrence
I ache for you    
"What a horrible place to be in, Mangaso. I pray for you, and I'm so happy you came here. We are on your team. We are here to support you. And we know that Christ CAN save you from these sins. Fully submitting yourself to Him IS the only way.

Are you working the 12 steps? That is the vehicle whereby you can submit.
Are you attending ARP meetings? That is place where you can check your progress and get help submitting.

How willing are you to overcome? Are you willing to do whatever it takes? It won't be easy. Satan won't give you up without a fight.

But it IS possible to get the rest of your life back. Welcome!"
posted at 17:41:15 on November 18, 2010 by beclean
Welcome    
"I also think that the 12 steps and ARP are a good place to start. Have you ever thought of putting Covenant Eyes on your computer. I have it on mine. It helps keep me off the chat sites, especially since my bishop is one of my accountability partners. :)"
posted at 20:59:48 on November 18, 2010 by dstanley


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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004