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troubles on day 10 but as my mind is cleared I believe that God can help me to make it day 11 along with my wife
By Joshua
11/16/2010 9:52:24 PM
so according to my the way that I count it has been now day 10. I was awfully close today for it not to be day 10 as co worker was wearing something very suggestive and for about 1/2 the morning I couldn't find any strength to stay away then at about 11am I thought to myself my life is unmanageable and if i go down to this path I will hurt my wife, my kids, and thanks to AngelMom's blog about the women that got out of the porn industry I really do not want to invite evil in my house no more ( u see didn't realize it was that bad to this extent..another wake up call to me)So I thought around 11am to heed what Elder Holland said in his talk in april conference titled" I will place no more room for the enemy of my soul" and try to run as far away I can get but then when we were talking about work-related stuff in the afternoon I thought I was strong enough to withstand talking about other non related work stuff. I was wrong as my mind did wander so I walked away and the cycle repeated itself many times in the afternoon plus at work I looked up stuff and a little bit at home about sex positions to make it more interesting in the bedroom it didn't become arousing for me as I was thinking not to get my thrills but to see what else is out there besides the usual stuff as I am writing this I know this was wrong even if it wasn't arousing to me as I came awfully close it is like why would an alcoholic walk into a liqour store knowing well enough what they sell only to be tempted and then walk out and do it again thinking they are strong enought only to look and not buy. It is crazy. I need to a better job and not think that just because it has been x number of days or maybe even weeks that I am strong enough to stop and gawk at any pretty girl or browse the internet looking for soemthing to enhance my physical relationship with my wife when I should be working on the emotionally given the toll I exacted on my wife because of the porn, lust, and masterbation and when I am doing really good some days as I look towards my wife I am starting to have the faith again that she can meet all my needs/wants/desires and if not God can make it up and that is starting to feel much better than the porn/masterbation/lust


Same thing happenned yesterday at about 10:30pm I started to browse the internet for fun stuff to do in the bedrrom not getting arouse but becuase i was so tired and it was dark and I was alone I remembered what my bishop was saying about me being tired, late, dark, alone and that combinations is a prefect playground for Satan do what he wants as our defenses our down so I thought to myself time for bed so I went to bed

Comments:

Scary    
"Joshua, I hurt for you and for your dear wife. I pray for you.

You are still in a terrible, terrible, dangerous place. You are not safe at all. Birds seem to fly over your head constantly. That is normal and natural. But they land there far too often for comfort. It doesn't appear that they are building nests every time, and that is something to cheer for. But there is still a LONG way to go. You were right when you said your life is unmanageable. It is.

However, you ARE making progress. I can see it in your writing. While I am very scared for everything that is going on around you, I am excited that you are posting your progress here every day. I am confident you will continue to progress as you keep coming here. Please come HERE in stead of looking up bedroom positions. Come HERE when you are tempted to think about a coworker. Come HERE and let us know about your temptations--not just at the end of the day, but while you are still in the middle of the battle. We are here for you.

Also, are you making other solid changes in your life to put God first? What do you need to do to put him first?

Finally, have you been attending your ARP meetings?

Every time you post here, I am happy, and I'm sure others are, too. You are a good man, and we are praying for your success. You are swimming in deep water. Satan does not want you to make these changes. Run! Run from these sins! Run to Jesus in every way you can.

As you yield to the enticings of the Spirit, the Savior will change even your desires. Pray for that!"
posted at 23:05:49 on November 16, 2010 by BeClean
answers to questions    
"I am trying to put God 1st more than ever these days about 99% of the time I pray morning and night, I do at least one thing more every day to put him 1st. I know I could be doing better but in the past I tried that to do everything that I know I need to do but it became more of a list instead of trying to build my relationship with him and then it became stressful as most days I didn't get very much or not at all a bit of relaxation time plus I am still trying to find a better waged job as well and family obligations too. I know there is others that are in the same boat or worse but I do not think I ever tried hard enough to balance everything without going to porn or masterbating for a release from it all and it is hard but I remember as I write this the picture of Jesus on a mormonad in the new era magazine at the bottom of the poster it saids " I never said it would be easy just worth it" so I am starting to get more faith in this. At work I cant blog on this site and I do not know why for I have tried numerous times before despite that my andriod phone lets me put data in on other web pages and I havent been going to arp meetings as my wife as reluncately let me go pn Thursdays but the past thursday I went to see my son as he is staying woith my wife's parents due to my wife's temp work for one week and 2 weeks ago I do not remember why"
posted at 23:21:25 on November 16, 2010 by Joshua
Agree with BeClean    
"You are in a very dangerous place. You are walking the line, and in my opinion probably crossing it at times. Half the morning is not good, and looking up sex information isn't either. Do you really need sex information right now? Is there a physical relationship to enhance? I would say that if there is and you do, then let your wife look it up. If you've been looking at porn, I find it hard to believe that you're lacking in ideas. It sounds like justification to me. You need to take a long hard look at what your trying to get to and if what you're doing is helping you get there.

This addiction is not about your wife not meeting your needs/wants/desires. Read my post about faulty core beliefs. That is the kind of stuff that causes addiction. Sex is optional.

You're making progress. I hope that you'll answer the questions BeClean asked and do as he said and come here instead of looking stuff up, etc. Keep posting. Work the 12 steps."
posted at 01:09:27 on November 17, 2010 by dstanley


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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

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General Conference, October 1988