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Step 1 (recovery manual)
By they speak
11/15/2010 5:46:08 PM
Do you feel encompassed or trapped? When do you feel this way most often?
YES! It’s hard to put my finger right on it. But a lot of times when I’m bored. Should maybe call my sponsor at this time? I guess I kind of hate being bored. It’s a catch 22 though because sometimes I don’t want to “do” the regular activities (this is what I avoid suffering. Regular daily grind. Life is suffering!) that keep me from being board… like work! I guess maybe paradoxically those activities/work bore me too. I get easily distracted when trying to engage. So sometimes or a lot of the time I just avoid it all together. I can’t address it. I see what needs to be done what needs to be faced like making my bed when I was 4 or washing a single pot today so I can make breakfast and…I can’t past the imaginary invisibile 400 hundred pound gorilla in the way. Shhh…don’t make eye contact. Just…just avoid. Just sit around blank. Yeah. This is too much to handle. Just sit around. Maybe it will all go away. Do that long enough and get deeper and deeper into a bored/afraid/unable blank trance and That’s when I get in trouble. I snap. Eff this what will save me?! Go drink! ADD?

What situations or feelings weakened you so you gave in to your addiction?
I think the about mentioned puts it pretty well for me. I guess in addition to that I want a quick fix for the above mentioned dilemma. A RELEIF FROME THE TOMENT. I hear the word “pain” thrown around a lot but for me a lot of the time (like now) when Im trying to abstain and “do good” torment seems to be a more accurate verb.

When Nephi felt overwhelmed, in whom did he place his trust? What can you do to place more trust in the Lord?
The Lord. Pray.

“I know that man is nothing” (Moses 1:10)
How did Moses describe himself as compared to God?
Nothing! I think the answer for my dilemma written in above is really truly realizing that I am nothing and that I can’t answer my torment but the Lord can. How? I don’t freakin know. How He deals with it is up to Him but He will see me through. I think. I’ve seen enough to excersize some faith. Have faith brother.

How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when compared to his or her parents?
It can DO nothing. That changes nothing about who it is I suppose. Perhaps that why babies are so lovable because their nothingness helps us more readily focus on who they are. We can feel it. We can hope for their potential and see some of their possibilities.

In what ways are you nothing when you do not have the help of God?
Like an infant I can do nothing. I’m retarded…emotionally…I think. I really can’t. I’m done fighting and trying to fix being retarded with my own retarded efforts. Do we ask it of a down syndrome? Hey genius up stupid? No. God will make me what He intends. Just be empty. Willing. Open. Stop forcing it. This is not about self control/self will.

In what ways are you of infinite worth?
I guess thru Christ all things are possible to them that believe. I am a son of God. I don’t know that I like I should…with my heart.

Write about how recognizing your helplessness to overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child.
It can help me submit/surrender. End the fight! I have to remember and keep remembering though. I forget so easily. I’m cornered (encompassed about)…surrender. The fight is over.

Hunger and thirst (Matt 5:6) (Enos 1:4)
In these two scriptures, we learn that our souls can hunger. Do you ever feel empty inside, even when you are not physically hungry? What causes that emptiness?
August 31 2010 I was dead. Spiritually. I don’t know why then vs. anyother time the six months or so previous (perhaps I was I just forget. Perhaps I was being assisted) but nevertheless I was over whelmingly empty. I saw no meaning. Could feel no meaning in anyting. The light of Christ seemed gone to me. Which is an unusual thing even in my darkest moments. Maybe I was done wallowing in the filth but in limbo about it. Who knows? But I suppose I was starving and needed something and a meeting seemed to satisfy me. I15 south vs. I15 north that night. Crazy difference. Almost imperceptible. Still. Small. Mild.

How can your hunger for things of the Spirit help you be more honest?
We need to be honest with ourselves. I find in order to deceive God or others we must first deceive ourselves. I think we do this most because we are first deceived about ourselves; who we are, what our worth is etc. I think most of this is rooted in fear; fear of God, self, others, fear of rejection. The Spirit teaches us the Truth. The Truth can dispel all those deceptions. Truth will set us free…over time. The cosmos weren’t built in a day or even 6. Neither will I.

Honesty (Gordon B. Hinckley, “We Believe in Being Honest”)
Write about ways you have lied and attempted to hide your addiction from yourself and others. How has this behavior caused “ugliness and chaos”?
First I lie about the temptations which do so easily beset me. Because I fear both upsetting or disconcerting others (wife) unnecessarily and rejection. Which is stupid cause Jesus was tempted more then me. Was He something to be shamed and feared and appalled with? No. I should be phsyched when I’m tempted that at least I’m in a similar boat as my Brother. Only sissy’s aint tempted. Quit being ashamed of temptation. All sins I’ve committed fall after this one. You know how this has caused ugliness and chaos. An unclean wound gets infected.

Humility (Alma 32:13)
Write about the circumstances that have compelled you to humility and to seek repentance. What hope does Alma give you? How can you find or receive that hope?
Over the last 2 years I’ve gotten ROCKED!..finally I believe it has compelled me at least to a faultering humility. But I’m trying one day at a time. Which accepting one day at a time alone is one way in which I was finally compelled to be humble. I wanted eternal life by this time tomorrow or nothing. I got nothing. I’ve been so beat up. Wooped. Licked. K.O.ed. I believe Alma even as I write and read. He knew of the mercy and repentance he spoke of.

The Lord’s delight (Proverbs 12:22)
Writing the answers to these questions has called for a deep level of honesty about yourself. How does this passage ofr scripture relate to this kind of honesty? How can you become the Lord’s dlight?
Alma the elder said in effect to the people at the waters of Mormon that it was only after sore repentance and thru much tribulation that He was able to overcome. Perhaps getting honest and dealing truly is more then just thinking about it. Writing and pondering and exposing the lies and deceit, both self and otherwise maybe is part or your “sore repentance” and “much tribulation” for truly you’ve been no better then a priest of Noah…but you too know Abanidi speaks truly. Now go and do like wise.

Comments:

Awesome!!!    
"Keep up the good work!"
posted at 23:47:48 on November 15, 2010 by Anonymous
Bored and ADD    
"I think most of us know the acronym HALT (Hungry Angry Lonely Tired) about things addicts should avoid. I've added BS (Bored Sick) to my list. :)

You may be ADD. You might want to consider talking to a doctor about it. I am, and the meds changed things immediately (not like anti-depressants that can take weeks). I can tell when I have forgotten my meds as well."
posted at 23:48:05 on November 15, 2010 by dstanley


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"Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs, or the pernicious contemporary plague of ography? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma's testimony is my testimony: "I do know," he says, "that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions."

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006