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Faulty Core Beliefs
By dstanley
11/13/2010 2:29:46 PM
Here's some information from LifeStar that will hopefully be helpful to someone. Sex addiction is not really about sex. The addiction cycle may be driven by the faulty core beliefs.
1. SELF-IMAGE: I am bad and unworthy.
2. RELATIONSHIPS: I am certain that no one will ever love me as I am; therefore I must hide my true self and never tell the complete truth.
3. NEEDS: My needs will never get met if I have to trust or depend on others.
4. SEXUALITY: Life without sex seems impossible.

So, the addiction is about how the addict feels about himself/herself NOT how they feel about their spouse.

My counselor and I were talking this week about my progress, so we were talking about the faulty core beliefs and where I am with them. I still worry that I'll never find a good LDS man who will want to marry a woman with 2 kids, 2 ex husbands, and a sex addiction, but otherwise I am much better than I was 2 or 3 years ago. I still have some more belief changing ahead, but it was great to look at the progress that's been made. I think that the change in my beliefs has greatly contributed to my success in fighting my addiction.

Comments:

So true    
"Good for you DSTANLEY! Your comments on this blog are fantastic. I'm confident you will find happiness. I know someone that has 3 ex-husbands and 4 kids and she found happiness in spite of the odds. Heavenly Father will reward your righteousness.

And the four faulty beliefs are so true. I have thought those same four thoughts so many times. I am only now starting to learn the truth. What an amazing and gratifying journey recovery is even if it is fraught with challenges."
posted at 18:11:05 on November 13, 2010 by grateful
Amen    
"I think you're a brave woman! Try to think about it this way. I personally would have NO problem with starting a relationship with someone in your situation. Am I good LDS man, yeah I think so. Working on being great someday :). I'm damaged, we all are! The fact that you are here and trying to work out your addiction means you are an amazing human being. How many people just give up? How many people just succumb to their addiction and let everything else go? Do you really even want to be with someone that doesn't have the ability to see past whats on the surface? I think when you find your guy he won't just be good, he'll prove to be great. You'll find your happy, just keep praying, keep working the program, and keep your faith."
posted at 12:53:59 on November 14, 2010 by tjditch
Appreciated    
"DS -

Thank you for this post. It is truly appreciated.

I am wondering if these are just your core beliefs or THE core beliefs someone falls into?

Life star is available now in our area, but we definitely cannot afford it, so we (my spouse and I) truly appreciate this. It helps me look inside to see what my faulty core beliefs are.

I think one carried from child abuse was that I could not be complete without a man in my life. I thought and still believe this went away as I went on my mission, but then I realized I STILL had a man in my life somewhat romantically. When I married I was still so very independent from my mission, and instead of finding a balance between being myself, and being married, I just reverted back to submission. Which is not so bad when being led in righteousness. Then when you find you are not being led in righteousness, you figure out really quick that I should have really relied on the Lord and myself first, and not ignored the warning signs.

Life without sex is impossible.
OK, so this is a tough one for me to admit. Since my abuse ended, I either acted out by myself, or with a male inappropriately. I am still learning how VERY MUCH I acted out, and did not know it. Except for the "break"I took from dating from 14 to 16. And also when I was preparing for my mission (for about 6 months), I have always had a male in my life. I have always acted out inappropriately with them. I remember multiple times behind the Bishops desk confessing, while this was my husbands first time for a confession to him.

I know these two core beliefs run together. The one I struggle with right now is addicted to sex. If you have a healthy marriage relationship, and a healthy husband, it should not be an issue. With my husbands health, I never know if or when I will "get some" . The thing that absolutely frustrates me the most is, when he was sick a different time, and we had no sex for several months, I did just fine without. no acting out nothing. But now after he has "sucked me into the lies" and "encouraged me to act out wrongly as well", It is SUCH a BATTLE!!

I truly wish others , leaders, counselors, bishops, were more aware what these things were and how damaging they were. I really could have been rescued appropriately as a teenager and never had acted out again, harnessing and learning early.

Hind sight.

Thank you for your comments.
bb"
posted at 23:12:55 on November 14, 2010 by 4intow
Thanks Everyone    
"Thanks for the encouragement. Your comments mean a lot to me. 'I'm sure that when the time is right I'll find a nice guy, and if he isn't OK with me the way I am then he isn't the right guy.

BB - I'm sorry that you were abused. No one should have to go through that. They are the faulty core beliefs of sex addicts (not that everyone believes all 4) as a rule. LifeStar is great, but I understand the cost can be an issue. You can order the manuals off of the web site as an in between cost wise.

I never thought it was true of me, but I can see now that I've always thought I needed a man in my life, and I still do a little bit.

Life without sex is impossible is a hard one. When I first had a bishop tell me that sex is optional I thought he had lost his mind. Now I see that he hadn't. I'm to a point that I could see life without sex, even if I was married. I see that what I'm really after is the emotional intimacy that comes (or should come) with sex. I want emotional intimacy. If sex comes with that then that's a bonus. I know that I'm still at a point where if I started dating again it would get physically inappropriate, but some day. I also know about being encouraged to act out. My first husband (neither of us were members at the time) encouraged me to masturbate and porn was something that we watched together. I hate that he encouraged that.

It would be nice if people were more aware of how these things could be addictions, and especially if they were more aware of women being addicted. I know my bishop was very reluctant to call it an addiction.

Now that you know though, you can find healing."
posted at 00:43:43 on November 15, 2010 by dstanley
Dear 4INTOW and DSTANLEY    
"I can only imagine how alone both of you feel. You dear sisters who have been subjected to porn, abuse, neglect. Most female sex addicts have been subjected in very similar ways as both of you have explained so courageously. I applaud your courage and strength to reach out for recovery. I know there is very little help out there for females who are struggling and trying to recover from this addiction.

Dr. Doug Weiss has a Workbook with recovery tools for females, Secret Solutions. Also if you click onto his AASAT (American Assoc. of Sex Addiction Therapy Training) in the store. There are two DVD's that are specific to female addiction. Session 29 and 30. I have found his information to be extremely helpful in recovery. Both for the Sex addict and the Partner and also the couple. That intimacy we all talk about. His book Intimacy, gives couples practical steps to take that will get them there. He has helped me and my husband and our marriage. The Savior of course is the Master Healer and we would be no where without the atonement. But these recovery tools were the extra help we needed to understand exactly what we were dealing with and how to attack it with a vengeance. Dr. Weiss has been treating sexual addiction for 20+ years. He is a recovered sex addict himself. He is a Christian and glories in our Savior. He understands how you can be forgiven, repent, and still be one sick puppy. He holds Master Degrees in Theology and a Doctor in Psychology and Therapy. This is not just a study for him or a theory, it is his life, his healing and he feels it is his personal calling to fight this curse this plague, this great abominable whore, porn, that is encompassing the world.

I have many of his books and CD's and DVD's and I use so much of his information in helping the sisters in my PASG'S group. In my area we have a group for female addicts. In many areas they also have groups for the husbands who wives are female addicts. The husbands reaction to dealing with their wives who are addicts are identical to those discussed by the spouses on this site whose husbands are addicts.

If you do get this information I would love to hear from you. As you heal you may have the opportunity like many of us to reach out and be a group leader to other women who are suffering in silence. We can all be the pioneers of this generation who will lead the great fight to freedom from porn!!! I hope this is helpul. Information was essential for me in finding recovery."
posted at 01:45:53 on November 15, 2010 by byourownhero
My Hope    
"I hope that I can be a group leader some day. That's one of my goals. I want to help other women."
posted at 10:50:27 on November 15, 2010 by dstanley
don't worry ds    
"ds, don't worry about something that hasn't happend. worry about today, cause thats all you have. a real man will love you (your heart, desires, soul, etc)....not the past. the past is just that....experience. dont beat yourself up over weather or not someone will love you again. idk, think of this this way maybe, no sex for the rest of your life? That would be a pretty small price to pay to get to heaven, don't you think?

@4intow---also, you have to remember, that bishops aren't therapists or trained counselours (they are called by the lord, not nessarly because of degrees, or training)....gernerally speaking. they are a more of a spiritual advisor. still there to help, but i think most of them still aren't trained professionals. much good can happen, yes, but just something to keep in mind...at least my bishp....he has this lost in the sauce look when i have talked with him....

i also want to make a comment based on something i have seen....the church, seems to be more leniant towards women. they don't get ex communicated as often as the males...seems, the males would confess, and then there was a discplinary court.....with women not as much....i am only basing this from the stories + people have known. i could be wrong, but it seems this way. i have known many women who have 'many' sex partners + felt sorry and confessed, but no action was taken....at least for me they ex'd my butt....so...im just saying.

---wt"
posted at 17:46:34 on November 16, 2010 by Anonymous
WT    
"True, and I try not to worry about it too much. I could go the rest of my life without sex, it's raising two boys on my own that scares me most. I want them to have a priesthood holder to look up to and emulate. I know they'll have people to look up to at church, but it isn't the same.

Good call on bishops. It is important to remember that while they can give spiritual counseling, they don't always know what they need to give any other counseling. I think my bishop has learned more about sex addiction then he ever wanted to know. :)

I did have a disciplinary council. I wasn't ex-communicated, I think mostly because I havn't been to the temple yet and was new to the church. I don't know enough other people to have an opinion. I have seen and heard of a wide variance in different bishop's handling of things. It may be more a difference in bishops and stake presidents than the person's gender. Don't know though."
posted at 23:06:42 on November 16, 2010 by dstanley
Dr. Weiss    
"I really used to like a lot of your quotes, BuyYourOwnHero from Dr. Weiss. I got all excited about his programs and looked him up, etc. I don't really know how to put this, but I am quite disappointed in him now, although some of his stuff seems good. He brags about being on Opra, Good Morning America, Dr. Phil, 20/20 and uses sex to sell his books. The title of a blockbuster is Sex, Lies and Obsession. Another is The Power of Pleasure. These titles are very triggering to addicts. The cover of Beyond the Bedroom: Healing for Adult Children of Sex Addicts shows a suggestive picture. One of his books I found has instructions for teaching your teenage son how to masturbate "so as not to lust." He has very little available online to help addicts and spouses without writing him a big fat check. This is a guy who got rich off his own sex addiction."
posted at 09:18:35 on November 17, 2010 by Anonymous
Do not judge a book by its Cover!    
"Wow, Anon! I suppose you did not even bother taking a look into the Final Freedom, how to be free and heal from sexual addiction. Less than $50 for the book and the 101 exercises to sexual freedom. The same for partners, Healing from His Addiction and 101 exercises both e-booked for less than $50. or the 5 set CD Final Freedom that gives you hours of recovery information for $35.00.

TITALS? The Power of Pleasure helps you identify the Real pleasures in life. Nature, art, family, exercise, many addicts have trouble identifying pleasures beyond their own selfish indulgences, and if Sex, Lies and Obsessions, does not tell it like it is about sexual addiction I do not know what does.

MASTURBATION? Teaching your son how to masturbate with out lust, if we want to live in a fantasy land that would make us believe that young men or women for that matter, will not masturbate then, why would we want to have that discussion or any sex discussions with our children? We can let them get the information on sex they way many of us did, from our friends, media, and dirty books, and pictures.

Triggers: Titles that trigger, maybe the psychology behind that, if it is true, is to get addicts to purchase help without them actually knowing it, or possibly get them to even open the cover? Many addicts spend much more on acting out their addiction than on a couple of books to heal.

Getting Rich?: About getting rich on his addiction, I guess we might question our prophets and apostles who write books to help us from their life experiences. Let's not go into Deseret Books, or buy Coleen Harrrison's books or Dr. Hilton's because they are teaching us from their experiences. Telling us to make an honest tithe, as Dr. Weiss does.

BRAGGING about being on media that find him creditable. You really do not know what Dr. Weiss teaches from those experiences, of how he was brought to the national media's attention, not because of what he was or who he was or what he was doing, it was because he honestly believes that this is his calling and this is why he has been healed from this horrible addiction through the power of Christ, who taught him how to heal, because there were no books to help him, or recovery tools when he was suffering. Dr. Weiss is allowing his Savior to be a force in his life to help combat this plague that is ravaging the earth.

Let us all Get RICH: That is how the Lord works. When you put yourself into his hands and follow his council and direction you are promised increase.

So Anon, you might want to be careful about that book, The Book of Mormon, how could that possibly teach anything about Christ?????"
posted at 10:53:35 on November 17, 2010 by byourownhero
masturbation    
"It is impossible to masturbate without lust. Don't encourage me I might start rationalizing and justifying and lose my sobriety to masturbation that is 286 days."
posted at 12:02:58 on November 17, 2010 by lawrence
Calm Down    
"I am not anonymous from above post. They are entitled to their opinion. I do think they have a right to feel whatever they feel. I think though that you have become more like an advertisement for him. I am glad that he and his programs have helped you, but this is a site to give hope to all and it doesn't have to come through Dr. Weiss and his programs/books, Colleen Harrison and her program/books or Dr. Hilton and his books or any other "expert". They should be supplements to lead to the Ultimate Source of healing our Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ. Just doing the work through the ARP program can be healing. I speak from my own experience after 30 years of dealing with an addicted spouse. We must keep our focus on the Savior as it is only through him that true healing comes. There is a lot out there to help us. But maybe it would be best to back off the "advertising" for now. Everyone will not be reached by the same person/expert. I would suggest maybe focusing on what we should all have in common the ARP program and the 12 steps for now. I don't want a fight, I don't think the anonymous post above was either, just stating their opinion, if it differs from yours, that's ok. No need to get snide about the Book of Mormon Another Testament of Jesus Christ. I think it's title says that it could possibly teach us something of Christ.
Someone who is much happier than 5 years ago."
posted at 12:21:54 on November 17, 2010 by Anonymous
I just want to say...    
"It is great to exchange with you all.
It has done my recovery the world of good but I must add.
HERO I am greatful for your wisdom you have gained and feel you are not advertising one bit but I feel your love in wanting to share what has worked for you and your hubby. I am learning sister so don't stop now. I have my biased opinions on the O show that you guys do not want to hear (just had to add that jab in).

Anon 1 please tell me why beyond your reasons given above are you disappointed? I want to know because before buying something I like to have different view points. Did you read any of it because if you have only looked at a WIKI or web search, you may not be in a position to judge yet?

Anon 2 I want to be objective here why is Hero annoying you so? She is kind enough to let us all know what works. There is nothing much to gain for herself other than the satisfaction for helping us she cares about. Advertising not so sure there. It is called word of mouth and believe me that is a lot more effective killing this filthy disease than sitting on O.

my 2 c's"
posted at 15:23:13 on November 17, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Rugged    
"Word of mouth is not giving prices etc. Word of mouth would be to tell them where to look for it. My point is not to take our focus off the Savior. I said I am glad that it has helped her and that is true. I guess what annoyed me was someone said something that wasn't positive and was blasted. I don't think that was right. I don't understand what Oprah has to do with this, since I didn't bring her up. I don't worship at her throne. My point was that the only real healing that will take place is as we turn to the Savior. Other stuff is supplemental, but no matter how many books we read, tapes we listen to, conferences we attend, it won't matter until we will turn to the Savior and allow him to heal us. My point is that what works for one, doesn't work for all. If that were the case, then I shouldn't be where I am at. I am one of those who has worked through it without Dr. Weiss. I stated I didn't want to start a fight. I just wish for the focus of healing to remain on the Savior. I just know that healing comes when we are ready. I have seen many women come to the meetings so angry and hurt and thinking where can I find peace? How can I forgive and move on. I have seen the miracles happen. I have had it in my life. I have watched as men lose their desire for the filth. I have seen the miracle of healing. I am just saying that the only way it comes is through the Savior. We should never lose that focus. I am not trying to put anyone down, I guess I worry for those who are not ready and maybe set up someone like Dr. Weiss, or anyone else as a "false god" so to speak. Please don't misinterpret what I am saying and get upset. But we all need to do our own work. We need to remember that the only "fix" is the Savior. And we must do a lot of humbling. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that healing will come, but only as we put our trust and faith in the Savior. Whether we are addicts or loved ones, it comes through Him. Working those 12 steps can work miracles."
posted at 16:10:14 on November 17, 2010 by Anonymous
Read from the very best books    
"Read from the very best books.

I as I see it, there is nothing wrong with what any of these author's are teaching and making money doing it. These books and programs may not be for everyone, but I thank the Lord for any help I can find. I am thankful where we live in a country where we still have freedom of speech.

Addicts and spouses alike suffer in silence. The more info, the better. Let the people have the freedom to advertise (without being paid) through their testimony of personal healing. If you have not read any of the above mentioned books, you have a right to comment, but you do so in complete ignorance.

I am a convert and I learned about the gospel of Jesus Christ and his church through a member bearing testimony and sharing a book. Many other books have changed my life. Some from LDS authors, some from non LDS authors.

Express to your hearts content, and trust the good people on this site to choose for themselves (is that called agency), and then look to the heavens above and thank the Lord this is not China!!!!

Because If you live in China, you would not even have the freedom to be reading this blog....


God Bless America! Let freedom ring!!!!!!

Love,
Angel"
posted at 16:13:16 on November 17, 2010 by Anonymous
Thanks and I agree on your perspective    
"It was me that brought the O thing out, sorry just had to.
Gave me a lot to think about thanks a lot.

You both mean so well."
posted at 16:36:58 on November 17, 2010 by ruggaexpat
And By The Way    
"All healing comes through the Savior. However there are many roads that lead to him. I know this because I live this.

In defense of Dr. Weiss. I, my husband, and son have spent months researching Dr.Weiss. Remember my hubby has been trying to beat this addiction long before we even knew it was an addiction. There were no 12 steps back then and I watched my husband daily do his best to turn to the Savior. He went from Bishop to Bishop confessing each slip. Each time pronounced clean. He kept praying and trying.... He may have had long periods of no M or Pn, but he was (and is) still very sick. My Husband has been diligent in following the ARP steps and attending meetings sie March. My son even attended 80 meetings in 90 days. Those who read my posts know our journey. My son was still so sick.

My son and Husband return from his clinic today. They are there on the ground in meetings with Dr. Weiss as I write this post. We love Christ in our family. We rejoice of Christ, We speak of Christ, and I can promise you that if Dr. Weiss was not all about my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, my hubby and my son would not be there, and I will add spending our hard earned dollars. BTW, as a side note LifeStar, an LDS based Dr. Weiss kind of program is as if not more expensive than Dr. Weiss. It too is there to heal addicts and bring sinners to Christ. We were referred there by our Bishop. Was he promoting a sort of Mormon based Dr. Weiss?

Added Bonus, Dr. Weiss and every person who works in his clinic takes regular lie detector tests so that you know that whoever is treating you is not an active addict. You can be assured that you are not being treated by hypocrites. Now that is transparency! He boasts an 89% long term cure rate and lives what he teaches. He also promotes 12 step programs and makes them a part of his treatment. Who else can say that?

There are a lot of paths to the Savior, but ours have led us to this amazing follower of Christ. We feel that my hubby and son are at a sort of stage 4 cancer and we prayerfully found the very best Dr. we could find to help heal our family.

Sorry Anon if you do not like all of the defense for a man who has spent part of his life healing families. I am happy you are healed and have found recovery without Dr. Weiss's help. But please don't call him a false prophet because all things good and true testify of Christ, and they don't all come with Mormon title.

Besides who is not to say that maybe an LDS person who attends his clinic touches his heart and he finds the Church???

Hey, it could happen...

Angel"
posted at 17:23:51 on November 17, 2010 by angelmom
The Church Advocates    
"The church advocates hitting addiction from every direction. For many folks it takes Medical Doctors, trained psychologists, family and church support, 12 steps, and most importantly The Atonement. It is a long way to healing for many of us and if we prayerfully search for it and give our all to it, God will led us where we need to be.

Whew, I said it all...I feel much better. Thanks everyoone for putting up with my rant :)... Love you all, and yes, that means you too ANON."
posted at 17:29:06 on November 17, 2010 by angelmom
The Savior is the Master Healer    
"The 12 steps and the ARP program is the only way to achieve total sobriety and healing both for the addict and the affected loved one. I know because I have walked that path also. I do not advocate anything else. I know where my strength comes from and whom my Savior is. It is Jesus Christ, the Lord Omnipotent ,my Savior and Redeemer, my older brother, my exampler, my advocate with the Father. Just for the record. :))

Everything else is totally debatable. Just trying to share healing information. Take it or leave it. Love you all."
posted at 17:32:03 on November 17, 2010 by byourownhero
Nice Try Lawerence    
"Lawerence, just in case you were looking for an excuse, don't masterbate because it will destroy you silly dude."
posted at 17:41:41 on November 17, 2010 by Anonymous
Not safe here for me    
"Angel Mom it might be good to read my posts and see what I said instead of putting words in my mouth. What you are saying is that no one has a right to an opinion different than yours? I did not attack him. I said if his work helped I was glad. I did not call him a "false prophet" I said I worried about someone who wasn't ready setting him up as a "false god" which is totally different than calling someone a "false prophet" and this has nothing to do with "mormonism". I know about hurt and pain because it was 30 years for me, and most of what I learned came because of intense prayer and study, that was all I had, a lot of what has been shared by different people was given to me through inspiration, it wasn't available any other way. Then five years ago the ARP program came along and helped me "finish" the process. I do not claim that I am healed forever, I know I must be ever vigilant to maintain I am not trying to cause a fight or friction I stated that in my original post. I just said it was ok for someone to disagree about something and now I am blasted and being ranted on about freedom of speech? I stated that basically for someone else and now I am told it's a free country, I think that was my point in my original post, we can agree to disagree. Obviously though since this is a medium of writing, I am going to stop, since what I am writing is not being read as I wrote it or meant it. I know of devastation to families. The damage to my family was intense, I would have liked to have shared my hope, but it doesn't seem to be that it would go over well."
posted at 18:25:25 on November 17, 2010 by Anonymous
Am I invited to this fight?    
"What's the topic of this argument? Advertising? Free speech? Money? Doctors? China?

Of course, if I fight with the people on my team, I'm probably not going to fare as well when I go head to head with the enemy.

Never mind. You guys keep going without me. It's fun to read. ;)"
posted at 18:42:43 on November 17, 2010 by BeClean
share share share Anon    
"I want to hear what has helped you please.
I need to hear from spouses who have healed a bit over the years.
Please that is why I am on this site every day to get your perspective and Heros and Angels and others. I just want to understand my wife and see her heal.

I ask you to reconsider because there are very few loved ones in your shoes so please tell me this:

What was it that your hubby did that helped you heal?
If there is one thing you can suggest that I do to help my wife heal, what would it be?"
posted at 18:45:09 on November 17, 2010 by ruggaexpat
For goodness sake BECLEAN...    
"It is all about Oprah, come on man get with the thread!"
posted at 18:48:09 on November 17, 2010 by ruggaexpat
OK...    
"Here's my opinion. It is despicable to capitalize on addiction. Period. Lie detectors? Oprah? Dr. Phil? Isn't that proof enough of the quality of the program?

People who are inspired from above with ways to fight human suffering usually make that information available to the masses. It is sad that Angelmom had to struggle financially to go see what Weiss offers. You can measure their effectiveness by their exclusivity. The difference with Hilton is in the motive. And even his book should have been free. This is not something to profit from."
posted at 02:32:40 on November 18, 2010 by Anonymous
Hilton    
"I think all proceeds go towards addiction recovery programs. It is very cheap, comparatively. BTW I was just joking about mb. The world already believes there is no harm. I choose not to. I haven't for 287 days!

Peace, everyone. Can we all just get along?"
posted at 09:48:41 on November 18, 2010 by lawrence
anonymous    
"And let's get rid of the pesky anonymous feature. We can be anonymous enough with an account here! Just cheat and get two accounts, or even three! There just is no continuity with all of these anon entries. Half or more of them are probably ppl with accounts here anyway. Sheesh. I do like this site. It is great. http://npsupport.net/ is heavily moderated, so fights like this won't happen. I guess it is the responsibility of the thread owner to moderate, but then we can't delete other's entries, but we can make the whole blog private, and thus it disappears."
posted at 09:51:16 on November 18, 2010 by lawrence


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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

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General Conference May 1990