how can I still remain strong not do it despite the constant badgering of the temptation
By Joshua
11/8/2010 8:05:39 PM
so I have thought of this on what it means to to let go of pride and seek humility as per actions steps in step one. I think I do let go of pride but then it could be a day, or a few days, or a week, etc and the same thought of wanting to act out or look at anything that would be porn to me, or think of others in a sexual way intended to arouse me keeps on badgering me and I keep on praying but then I am like I am tired of this and I think once will not hurt me and then this thought of doing any of these things will stop but it doesn't it gets worse and eventually I get to the point of no return again and if it has been a few days or a week or any other length of time of abstaining I go on a binge session. So how do I gather enough strength to keep on keeping the thought at bay where I do not even entertain it in the 1st place and if the thought of doing soemthing that would break the law of chastity keeps on badgering me how do I keep humble enough to submit it to the Lord despite the constant nagging as it gets pretty tiring

Like i do stuff to hopefully have a better fight at like studying the scriptures, praying, trying not to into conversations that would drive the spirit away, most of the time now a days not spending any non related to work time with co-worker( I will try not to spend any time talking to her unless it is about work), spending time with my family, trying to remain focused on my tasks while I am on line and not just aimlessly wondering the internet without a purpose in mind, praying daily, doing service work outside my home on occasions, trying to help out at home and yet I still break down when the temptation comes over and over again so what can I do more?

at the request of my wife to try to work on my relationship with my wife I have stopped going to arp meetings as she feels it doesn't help and would like me at home more

I also believe this will be easier the more days I have behind me and the more months(hopefully)

Just wanted to let u know I failed miserably over the weekend but right now if I get thru today it will be 2 days of not acting out


Your wife is wrong    
"So you tried her way and it didn't work. Now try working the ARP program. "
posted at 20:14:57 on November 8, 2010 by Anonymous
about the wife.....    
"She decided on this no going to arp meetings last week. Up until last week I was going almost every time."
posted at 20:31:15 on November 8, 2010 by Joshua
"She may not see the progress yet, but ARP (more specifically the 12-Steps) is the only way you're going to get better. It isn't going to be an instant fix, but it will work if you work the steps. In the meantime, you just need to do everything you can do to keep yourself from failing. Put an accountability software like Covenant Eyes on your computer. Look at what you most often fail at and then figure out what you can do to make it harder to do that. Hang in there, it does get easier."
posted at 20:37:07 on November 8, 2010 by dstanley
more about why my wife doesn't want me to go to ARP meetings    
"I have tried in the past to say to her going to meetings is helping as it was thru meetings that I got hope and gained it, at times after I attended the day after or a few days after when I am tempted I think back to what I learned in arp or what was said and I do not do it in that moment anbd I have told her it was thru ARP that at times I am ablle to keep myself clean for a while but she wants a lasting change and she feels she doesn't see any real effort to change and so she doesn't want me to go anymore as she feels that if I did other stuff that she wants me do then my relationship will be better with her and because it will be better my problem with immorality will be better and I will try to work on the steps by myself"
posted at 21:03:30 on November 8, 2010 by Joshua
"I totally understand the pickle you're in. You know you need to go to ARP but you don't want to create friction with your wife. Go anyway. I have seen people recover under the most hateful home environments possible. I have seen wives leave their husbands because they chose recovery instead of the way their spouse thought they needed to recover. But I have also seen these men recover and their wives slowly come around because they see the change that working a program brings. It comes down to YOU realizing that this is what you need to KEEP your family.

I am not saying to get self-righteous with your wife and tell her, "I'm going to ARP whether you like it or not!" Sit down with her and tell her that this is the only way you can heal and it is not optional. She doesn't need to be on board with your recovery. I know it sounds callous but it is really the most loving thing you can do for your family. You have discovered from recent experience that not going to ARP everyday only brings more heartache. Not going only creates an atmosphere where you fail and feel the need to lie to your wife about it. There comes a point when we need to do WHATEVER it takes to get clean. She will love you for it in the long run, or she will stay miserable. If you don't do what you need to do she will stay miserable or seek out recovery herself anyway.
Whatever you decide, know that we still love you and we're in your corner. This isn't an easy situation, by any means."
posted at 21:25:26 on November 8, 2010 by Anonymous
Your Dear Wife    

Your wife does not understand how important it is for you to heal yourself through the Savior. The Church has embraced the 12 step program with such intensity for a reason. Most likely your will not heal without the intervention a 12 step and specialized counseling offers. Your wife is looking for your to put a tiny Band-Aid on a gaping puss filled wound. She did not ask for your problem and she did not deserve what your addiction has done to her soul. However, here she is and if she wants a chance for this to work, she must (at minimum) support you in doing all that you can to heal.

The 12 step and other helpful (and in my opinion, vital) programs did not exist over two decades ago. My husband just kept thinking that he was not a good enough man, or a good enough Mormon to overcome his problem. We did not see it as an addiction. Unfortunately our priesthood leadership did not help much because no one saw this for what it really was back then. My husband is just now beginning to understand what this addition has cost him. Please tell your wife my story. You are so blessed to have this program available to you now. You do not have to endure all that our family is still enduring to this day because of the spirit of sin in our home.

You have answers, you have solutions. Take it from me and my husband. You (and your wife) can try to find your way over, under, and around what you need to do to find recovery and freedom from this addiction. But it will never happen except that you take the necessary steps. There is no easy fix

Your wife must also take care of herself. It is essential that she attend recovery as well. This is a hard one to swallow for most wives, but it is important that she find her own healing away and aside from you. Addicts are very sick and everyone in the home is affected and needs their own specialized healing program. Your wife needs this more than you can imagine. She will continue to make herself crazy with trying to control the outcome by putting more and more on you to fix the problem. The big lie she is being told is that you can fix this. The truth is that you cannot fix this, and she cannot fix this. Only complete surrender to Christ will begin to heal your addictions.

Please look at this a different way and ask your wife to pray about this... What you have is a Cancer. It is a cancer of the soul, but is no less a sickness like cancer. I have seen more than my fair share of friends and family with cancer. When someone is told that they have cancer and that they could die, they do everything they can do to beat this awful disease. They change their diet, undergo surgeries, take in chemo & radiation. They spend every last dime on treatments, even if it means losing their home. If you have ever known someone who has been through this, then you know that the schedule is grueling, and the treatments are beyond exhausting. They most often leave the diseased person physically sick. These people become experts on how to beat the cancer, so that they can have another shot at life. There is no expense too great, and no time to precious that they do not give it their all. Life as they knew it is over and they have a new reality. Joshua you (and your wife) are no different.

I have personally never seen someone who was diagnosed with cancer say, “well my wife just wants me here at home”. She does not want me to go to treatments. She thinks that if I am with her, I can heal myself much better hat all the treatments available. What you have Joshua is cancer… do not believe any differently. I believe that your addiction is worse than cancer because cancer can and often will take your body, but porn addiction will destroy your family and take your soul. I know this, because I live this.

You can do this without your wife’s support, but it would be better do it with her support. Please ask her to attend a women’s support meeting. They are becoming more wide spread as more and more are waking up to the reality of this addiction.

May the Lord be with you and your family. I will continue to pray for you and for your wife that her eyes may be opened to the truth and that she will be willing to stand against Satan and support you in your recovery efforts.

I apologize if this sounds over the top, but ask most anyone who has been in recovery or anyone who has been on this blog for any amount of time and they will sound a loud AMEN to what I am saying.

You can heal and you can recover. It takes time, treatment, prayer, and commitment. Sometimes cancer treatments don’t work and a person is called home away from this life. But you can be comforted that if you take in all of the treatments available to you, you WILL heal as many before and after you have and will.

Your Sister in Christ,
posted at 22:22:24 on November 8, 2010 by angelmom
Oh my goodness gracious    
"Angel that was amazing, I have heared people compare it to cancer but your example bring this disease home and made me take note. It reminds me to not sit back and take things for granted. I have come a long long way but I needed to hear that and will reevaluate whether I am doing ALL IT TAKES to beat this disease of the soul. Thank you for your advise on here. Josh you could not have it better laid out for you than that. Print this piece out and let your wife read it, she will at least think about it long and hard."
posted at 07:20:49 on November 9, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Unanimous vote    
"I've never seen so many responses in complete agreement. Everyone on this post thinks you must be willing to do WHATEVER it takes to overcome this, Joshua. And everyone agrees that ARP and actually WORKING the 12-steps is exactly WHAT IT TAKES. Being home with your wife will NOT fix this. Tell her you love her and want to be clean, and that is why you MUST go to ARP. Then, make a real effort to get home earlier from work and make a real effort to do more around the house. Turn off the stupid TV (if it's ever on)--better yet, cut the cord on it. If she isn't watching something with you, you shouldn't be watching it (that's my harsh opinion, and I'll stand by it and continue to live by it). Turn off the computer games (if you play any). When you are home BE HOME. Then, go to ARP.

As for the REST of your post (since we've all focused on just one sentence) were asking how to keep on fighting the temptations without giving in. You were saying that it sometimes seems like it might be easier if you just give in for a second, and then the temptations will stop, but they never do.

I think we have all experienced that battle. You feel like you are CONSTANTLY telling yourself, "don't remember that memory," "don't look at that picture on the wall," "don't talk to that girl," "don't turn on the TV," "don't go to that website," "don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it..." It never works. The battle get's harder and harder.

Great relief from the battle has come to me by finally figuring out how to apply the old Chinese Proverb, "You cannot prevent the birds of [temptation] from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair."

Instead of telling myself, "don't think about that bird...don't think about...don't think...don't...don't" I have been much more productive by pointing at the bird as it flies overhead and saying, "Oh, look, there goes a bird." Sometimes I even add, "Of course it would fly over my head right here. It's trying to get to that tree over there."

That's pretty metaphorical. Let me tell you how I make it work for me. If I see a woman whose less than modest clothing tempts me to think dirty thoughts, I don't think, "don't think about those clothes...don't think about those...." Instead, I think, "Oh! There's a temptation. Of course I would be tempted by that, considering that I'm a guy with my past. No need to feel bad that I was tempted. That's normal. No need to feel bad that this bird flew over my head. That happens. Now I'll go do something else."

This method of acknowledging temptations for what they are and being OK with myself for having them has really helped me. I don't need to FIGHT every little thought, and I don't need to give in to them, either. I can acknowledge the thoughts as NORMAL happenings, considering my past, and move on with life.

Hope that helps. Love, BeClean

(P.S. No one should think I am advocating acknowledging ACTIONS or extended PONDERING on wicked subjects as normal and OK. There is a HUGE difference between saying, "It's OK that I was just tempted to go to a bad website," and saying, "It's normal that I just spent 10 minutes on a bad website." The first one is right, the second one is WRONG!)"
posted at 10:32:47 on November 9, 2010 by BeClean
agreed BECLEAN    
"good explaination"
posted at 12:50:11 on November 9, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Response as JOSHUA's wife    
"As JOSHUA's wife, I would like to say that I am not forcing him to stop going to ARP meetings. I just meant that he needs to find a balance between trying to overcome his addictions and building/maintaining his relationships with me and the kids. I know that ARP and the recovery/sobriety process is supposed to be first and foremost in my husband's life, but I feel like the kids and I are being edged out and pushed out of his life. His addictions are the only thing we talk about these days, and it is getting extrememly TIRED and OLD. I feel so frustrated that the only thing he can find to talk to me about is his addictions. There are sooooooooo many other things in the world to talk to me about other than his addictions. I would shout my job FROM THE MOUNTAIN-TOPS if I never heard the words "addiction", "masturbation", "porn", "pornography", EVER EVER AGAIN. The topic of his addictions has become so tired, exhausted, and boring that I basically shut down and tune him out when he starts to talk about his addictions yet again. I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I can't help it. I do this because I feel like 'I've heard this all before-yada yada yada.....What else is new?.....'

As for the Spouses/Loved Ones group, it's not up and running yet but it's supposed to be in the works in my area. I'll be jumping for joy and a-hootin' and a-hollerin' when they finally get that group operating. Until then, I'm stuck with suffering in silence..."
posted at 20:32:33 on November 9, 2010 by Anonymous
"That should be "shout my JOY from the mountain-tops"..."
posted at 20:34:20 on November 9, 2010 by Anonymous
"That should be "shout my JOY from the mountain-tops"..."
posted at 20:39:50 on November 9, 2010 by Anonymous
Joshuas wife...    
"That is awesome that you posted! Thanks for giving us your perspecitve. I hear ya! It must get really old when all you hear about is his addiction. I am just glad you are as supportive as you are. I really hope they get the spouses meeting up and running soon. I think you will really like it if you give it a chance."
posted at 20:59:39 on November 9, 2010 by Anonymous
Joshua's Wife    
"I think anyone working with addicts will tell you that recovery has to be THE #1 priority in an addicts life. If you want to be able to quit talking about and dealing with addiction, he has to recover. As important as my kids are to me, recovery is more important. Without recovery, there is nothing else. I went to rehab for about 3 months and left my son (I only had one at the time) with my ex husband and my mother. Was it ideal? No, but it was needed. I needed to be somewhere where I couldn't put myself in danger (just before that I hooked up with a guy I had talked to less than 30 minutes before I gave him my address, and was struggling with depression and being suicidal). If I let my addiction progress (and they all do if not stopped) I won't be the mom I need to be, or might even end up not being there for them at all. If your husband continues, you may not have a marriage to work on, and your kids will suffer. If you want to be able to quit talking about addiction stuff then do what you can to support his recovery efforts. I know it isn't easy to be married to an addict (I've been married twice to addicts), but recovery and healing are possible. I'm also not saying that there aren't things your husband can improve on while working his recovery. I'm just saying that if you want him to recover, recovery needs to be his top priority.

You're not stuck suffering in silence. There is this web site. You can also go to regular ARP meetings. There are a lot of people on here and at meetings that can help."
posted at 21:17:01 on November 9, 2010 by dstanley
It's great to hear from you, Joshua's wife    
"Please continue to share your thoughts, your frustrations, and your viewpoint with the rest of us. There are many wives of addicts on this site who can be your group for now. From my reading on this site, I have learned that being the wife of an addict is far from easy. What a terrible thing you are going through.

It seems, however, that it is much better to be the wife of an addict who is honest, open, willing to share his struggles, and earnestly working on his problem than it is to be the wife of an addict who is secretive, dishonest, and unwilling to overcome.

Your husband is starting down the path to recovery. It is a LONG road and a HARD battle. He needs you by his side, on his team. If you are willing to be there and work together on this problem, you will both make huge strides in your marriage and family.

And there WILL come a day when addiction is not the center of every conversation you have together. Perhaps the Savior, your love, and your children will soon become the focus of your conversations as your husband and you are able to turn your lives over to God."
posted at 22:04:19 on November 9, 2010 by BeClean
Wife of Joshua! Hello!    
"Please come and join us here until you can find a support group. Your will find love and understanding and empathy here. Many have been and are in your exact circumstances. Download the family/spouse manual on the left side of this page. Read the introduction if nothing else. Joshua should find a sponsor to discuss his recovery with, another man to be accountable to. You need all your energy to help yourself and your children. Set apart a specific time to discuss his recovery. Have him tell you what he is doing for recovery? What actions is he taking to facilitate recovery. Set guidelines, boundaries, to help bring safety and order to your life. I understand your emptiness in your marriage relationship. There is no real intimacy. Not for you or the children. This will come as he recovers. It takes time. He can become the father and husband you deserve and you should expect. Patience..... in the meantime work on your healing and living healthy for yourself and your children. Just know there is hope. Read the manual and come here with your questions and share your feelings.
I know you want more than lipservice. You want results."
posted at 01:30:37 on November 10, 2010 by byourownhero
"Hello. I am not Joshua, but I think he is married to my wife! I have a "boundary" around me that I am not to talk about my addiction. She is as sick of hearing of it as you are Mrs. J. I am trying to honor her request, but I keep messing up and saying something. She asked me to move out a few weeks ago, we went to counseling that night, and the compromise was that I would be silent about all of my talk on "how good I am doing" etc. Now I am sort of trapped in a no-conversation zone with her. It is awkward. Then again I see her point. I am trying to talk about other stuff and not be so focused on me."
posted at 17:19:33 on November 18, 2010 by lawrence

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"The solution to this problem ultimately is neither governmental nor institutional. Nor is it a question of legality. It is a matter of individual choice and commitment. Agency must be understood. The importance of the will in making crucial choices must be known. Then steps toward relief can follow."

— Russell M. Nelson