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2 week cycle
By They Speak
11/6/2010 1:25:11 AM
Truth be told I'm drunk as a skunk and at a strip club. Eff I'm sorry to let you guys down. Especially you Hero. I love you.

But 2 weeks is my cycle. I had seventeen days of pure PURE sobriety. I hate my dad. I feel like I'm sabatoging. Just can't "endure the light". Any suggestions to push past a cycle??? Especially when things were WERE going so well!. I'm such a pussy. Sorry guys. Dang it. I should have called my sponsor. I'm such a lier. I'm so sorry. Wow...pathetic

Comments:

The worst part    
"...as I sit here I can see the lie. All of this is a lie. Down to every cell in each of our tabernacles. Both the girls who sell themselves for naught and men who buy misery. It will not satisfy. Love, connection, exceptance, all replaced by any thing in this world... we can have it with money...with a lie. Unfullfilled. As a man who thirsts and dreams he drinks and wakes...nothing. Nothing. Nothing. All things testify. Why can't I live in "simplicity simplicity simplicity" -Theorau. I'm done."
posted at 01:42:59 on November 6, 2010 by They Speak
Please    
"..suggestions on the cycle push past? That's the main thing"
posted at 01:45:59 on November 6, 2010 by They Speak
Recognizing the cycle is a big step    
"We're here for you, They Speak. When I recognized that I was cycling, it made it easier to go to those who were my support. I could go to my wife (my main supporter) and say, "I'm in the temptation phase/start of an act out phase of my cycle." Or, I could say, "It's been two weeks...and things are getting tough." Or just, "I'm having a hard time right now." I went to her and said all of that BEFORE I did anything, if possible...just when I was feeling tempted; when it was getting tough.

I also started posting to this site in some of my more recent temptation cycles. Check out this post.

http://www.ldsar.org/ViewBlog.aspx?EntryId=6586

Posting when I was cycling seemed to help.

Hope that helps, my friend. You are making SO MUCH progress. Get back on the wagon and come along with us. While I wasn't sure when I first met you on this site, I know now that you are (or have become) a good man. Keep it up! God will save you, if you let him."
posted at 02:16:25 on November 6, 2010 by BeClean
Speak    
"At least you realized the crap for what it really was during the show!
That takes some going.

I really like the way you framed the whole episode, it was a perfect description of the sorry state of this world and all its entertainment. One does not have to have a beer in the hand watching drugged up whores prance around like animals on heat to to see that. It is everywhere now but man what were you thinking before entering that place?

About the cycle, I do not know how my cycle was broken, one day I was entangled in it and the next I was not. A freaking miracle that I will not try understanding because I will never be able to. I suppose it all crumbled when I made some hard decisions to expose my real self to the world.

I think the cycles momentum is based on secrecy. Expose the secrets and there is no momentum and the roundabouts stop. Now I do not think that is enough, there is more to it than secrets, because the wheel turns around something. What that is I am not really sure. It must be a combination of things. I just know We must find out what is at the heart of that cycle, destroy that and the wheel will no longer turn.

Not much help here man I just have no idea how it happens, if anyone else has figured this out I would love to know how too.

Hang in there Cody and remember the lies."
posted at 10:13:21 on November 6, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Embarrassed    
"I would (want to really bad) erase this regretful non sense except, once again, I want a record of my idioticness.

I don't have anything to say for myself. What was I thinking rugg? Uh, I'm pretty sure I was thinking with my reptilian brain (limbic system). Can I eat it? Can I mate with it? Can it kill me? That's about all I was thinking I think. I looked at porn early the morning before. Felt bad and justified the booz as the answer to all my problems and from there where and how I end up is a crap shoot.

Seems like the higher I fly (i know 17 days ain't much but I read half the book a mormon in a day and fasted for 7 days straight to kick it off and tried to work the program in that time so I was feeling pretty dang close to happy/joy) the harder and more epicly I fall. Ugh. Traumatic."
posted at 11:12:26 on November 6, 2010 by They Speak
4intow    
"That (wanting to cover your head and hide) makes 2 of us ;) You said nothing to be ashamed of. Words are just containers. I could feel your concern. Thanks for caring enough to pipe up :)"
posted at 11:19:50 on November 6, 2010 by They Speak
We're addicts. That's what we do!    
"Some relapses are stepping stones. Three steps forward, two steps back in the beginning. Now you know what serious business this addiction is. It takes daily vigilance. We can't let our guard down.

I had a similar relapse before I got clean and sober for good. I put a few weeks together and lo and behold, I felt serenity for the first time in my life. As strange as it sounds, it felt awkward. So I ran to what felt familiar. I needed to be reminded, one last time, how much worse it feels to wake up hung over and depressed. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back to what you already know works. I know EXACTLY what you were thinking because I am an addict, too. I hope I never forget that."
posted at 12:23:24 on November 6, 2010 by Anonymous
Sorry disagree    
"I am a recovering addict as many call me (I am not sure what to call myself really, though recovering is better than addict) and now that is not what I do.
I can relapse if I choose to. I hope I always remember that."
posted at 12:30:44 on November 6, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Loe You Speak    
"Cody,

I am thankful you made it home safe and alive.

Because you are alive, you are given another chance in this life to recover. Go for it bother, you will make it! Never give up!

Praying for you and wishing you Godspeed :)

Angel"
posted at 12:42:50 on November 6, 2010 by Anonymous
Speak??????    
"When I read your post late last night I wanted to scream "Get out of there!", but I prayed you had already left and you were home safe. I am thankful my prayers were answered and you found your way home safe. I do not know if you want to hear my thoughts as I laid there restlessly thinking, this is what came to my mind; First of all I was disappointed because you were making such amazing progress. You have sacrificed, studied, gone to meetings, at least that is what I understand from your posts. Why when you are doing all the recovery work are you falling? My first thought is that you have not progressed enough in the steps, that you were not armed with the right tools, you did not have your big daddy wrench to tweak your little boy brain when you needed it. Then I remembered hearing on a recovery CD that when addicts are doing the work and not having success it could be because they are suffering from a chemical imbalance. Until the chemical imbalance is addressed there will continue to be trouble in the recovery process. I am not a clinician, but I do know that depression is a major cause of addiction because of the ability of the addict to self medicate. We all know that porn and the like, releases the largest dosage of self medicating brain drugs. I also know that there is now a test for chemical imbalances, one that checks your body chemistry by blood or urine and saliva, I am not exactly sure how, if it is one, or all. You may want to further investigate this as a necessary tool for your recovery. Just my thoughts!! Glad you are back!"
posted at 16:09:31 on November 6, 2010 by byourownhero
Cycles    
"Do you find that when you get close to 2 weeks you start to let your guard down? Or do you start to tell yourself that you are getting to that point you can't get past?
For me I think my relapses of this last 2 years have been when things are going well and I let my guard down. Then I tend to get into trouble before I realize and then I fail. Also, I know when I got close to 8 months the second time I started convincing myself that I was going to fail because I had before. My counselor tried to remind me that the 8 month date was no different than any of the days before it.

So, my advice for getting past 2 weeks is to make sure that you don't let your guard down. Enjoy that things are going well, but work just as hard on your recovery getting close to day 14 as you did on day 1. Keep your focus. Also, remind yourself that days 11-14 are no different that 6-9 (or any others). Don't let yourself believe that you can't get past 2 weeks. You can get past it. You can break the cycle."
posted at 18:40:14 on November 6, 2010 by dstanley
Get A Calendar    
"I realize I'm coming late to this conversation, but I wanted to share something that has worked for me.

I print off a calendar and identify when I will be coming up on two weeks (or any other period of time I've seen myself struggle with in the past). Then, like Moroni, I make preparations. I know going into those days that I will be vulnerable so I do things like staying away from the internet alone, walking around the temple grounds, praying extra hard for help, etc.

It's worked quite well. I think if you identify your week point, know it will be a struggle going in, and are ready when it comes, it is much easier to resist Satan."
posted at 09:58:32 on November 9, 2010 by iwillnot
Link???    
"Speak, what is the link. I am confused.."
posted at 21:17:09 on November 9, 2010 by Anonymous
Uh maybe that was a phone link    
posted at 23:35:12 on November 9, 2010 by They Speak
Sad Movies always make me cry!    
"Loved that clip. Just hated the end of that movie, it made me mad and sad. I contemplated on what an amazing journey he took and great experiences. What a legacy he could have left to his posterity of wisdom and knowledge from his life experiences. One bad mistake, lack of judgement and knowledge and his life was lost. I will not waist my life experiences, my knowledge and wisdom. Glad to hear from you Speak. You are right. There is just too much awesomeness. You will use this as a stepping stone to reach all of your awesomeness! Please do not give up."
posted at 01:01:27 on November 10, 2010 by byourownhero


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"I have come to know that thoughts, like water, will stay on course if we make a place for them to go. Otherwise, our thoughts follow the course of least resistance, always seeking the lower levels. Probably the greatest challenge and the most difficult thing you will face in mortal life is to learn to control your thoughts. In the Bible it says, as a man ‘thinketh in his heart, so is he’ (Prov. 23:7). One who can control his thoughts has conquered himself. As you learn to control your thoughts, you can overcome habits, even degrading personal habits. You can gain courage, conquer fear, and have a happy life. "

— Boyd K. Packer

BYU, Speeches of the Year, 26 Sept. 1967