The 2 cycles
By ruggaexpat
11/5/2010 2:26:19 PM
So I learned a seriously good lesson this week, last night in fact. It is step 9 for us this week. Last week and the homework I have been doing on myself taught me a few great lessons about healing and helping each other (my wife and I) to heal. I always thought there is nothing I can do but the Lord taught me a lesson last night and has been trying to do so for some time. There is things the recovering addict can do, while it does not seem like much to the instant gratification seeking addict, it is a lot for the loved ones. So I have learned.

I was studying step 8 and pondering about the section about bitterness and resentment. I hold some of that towards so people and have to work that out of my system but as I caught hold of that position being the one rejected, hurt and disregarded, I for an instant began to understand somehow how my wife must feel towards me. Kind of a AHA moment. I have been seeking for months now to find answers, and last night I did not recieve a solution, but I recieved a bit of crucial understanding to know what she must be feeling.

I discussed it with her and she confirmed that this was how she was feeling. She was feeling trapped, does not want to be angry and wishes she did not feel angry. She feels resentment quite often and bitter towards me for hurting her.

As we read in step 8 in the homework section, she is experiencing a cycle of bitterness and resentment. A couple of days she is able to distract herself from the bitterness and I help too by being nice right? Well how long does the perfect scenario continue, sooner or later she comes across a trigger (something I say, do or someone else for that matter) and she feels bitter and resentful. These feeling lead to anger, anger is let out, resentment stays, bitterness stays but then she gets distracted and another period will go by until bang another trigger, the cycle continues.

I am sure many will have different opinions on this so before any misunderstandings surface, just know this applies to my wife and I. I told my wife I get it, the anger no matter how ugly is normal, it must come out but the resentment and bitterness is not. She knows that and that is where we are now, the Lord is not going to just take all that away, we must do our part, I have a part to play. I need to grow up and see the anger for what it really is, normal. I have got better at this but obviously there is more to improve on.

Distractions are not good enough, they do a great job in providing temporary peace (for me that is, cannot be the same for her) but I need to help my wife heal. Holy cow that seems so easy to say and I know I cannot do much but I must do my best to bring the light of Christ in our relationship. That will dispell all forms of darkness she must be feeling. The cycle must be broken. As the offender who knows all too well about the pain and hopelessness a negative and compulsive cycle can bring, I must be sensitive to this.

This could very well be a turning point for me, this was so enlightening.
I see the light, I just hope and pray I don't trip and fall on my nose in the darkness or trip over my feet in excitement before I get there.


Rugga "YOU GOT IT"    
"Good for you! Patience my son, and more patience and the knowledge that she has to find her own healing just as you did. You are there to support and love, nurture, and most of all try not to take it personally. My husband, once he got it! Understood that I was going to have those days, that there was going to be something that would set me off. Satan's angels seem to be very good at throwing darts when we start to heal. Pray for protecting angels they will come. I learned to express my emotions to him,(hubby) he learned to listen and answer truthfully, not get defensive, be humble, submissive. This has helped me so much. When I did this, went to my husband and expressed my emotions and concerns, the dark times did not linger as long.

You may want to read my response to Crushed question on Bonding, could also be helpful.
You are doing great, keep at it. Your wisdom will help many......

I have got to be careful here. I may be getting addicted to RECOVERY! :) I love you all!!"
posted at 15:39:31 on November 5, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Thanks Rugga    
"Thanks so much for your post. You explained exactly how I feel much of the time.

Since I stopped lying to myself and started facing the truth, I am having a hard time feeling normal much of the time. I tend to do better when I am away from my husband. We both travel for business,so I think I like the break. I use to miss him, but I really don't right now. It has just been so painful to understand most all of my feelings.

I am getting some help right now and am seeking too move forward wiith my Father in Heaven and my Savior as my companions and guides.

I am grateful for your blog posts. I imagine in so many ways that you are like my husband. I know he loves me, and I believe that he is starting to realize the damage he has done.

He will rarely cry, yet with tears in his eyes he came to me last week and said " I am so in love with you, and I cannot believe what I have done to you and to our family" I am so sorry. I wish I could be super touched and this as is very rare, but I am still so numb by the pain.

Thanks so much for putting into words many of the feelings I am having.

posted at 20:08:01 on November 5, 2010 by angelmom
"I am thankful that you post this here. "publicly".I wonder why I am being such a B* to my hubby?? We have gotten through all other trials without this. But I was hurt. I am hurt. I still hurt. So while he is doing so wonderful on his recovery- because he has known of his wound so much longer,and came forth ready to repent - I am still standing there, with a gaping wound still fresh. I need to have my husband read your post as well. Thank you.

posted at 01:14:08 on November 6, 2010 by 4intow
I love you sisters    
"Thanks Sisters, your input does wonders.
Hero you give me hope. In fact you all do.

Angel, I am sorry to hear about the pain you are feeling. I still have no idea of what it must be like, your husband like me has no clue. The signs are good if he is scared, that means he is finally waking up that things are changing. Good for you guys. Wow your situation is so identical to the one we faced at home. You must worry about your recovery and let him take responsibility for his own. My original feeling when my wife detatched emotionally was NOOOOO I lost her. I felt she did not care, we were finished. It actually gave our relationship the first ray of hope when she did that. She did these things because (though she will not admit it) there was still part of her that did care but she was sick and tired of being emotionally abused by me.

You must ride the waves of emotions and I feel for your husband because honestly it is so hard, especially once we realize the damage we have caused. Worry more about your recovery, (HE WILL AUTOMATICALLY FOLLOW YOU IF HE LOVES YOU MORE THAN HIS ADDICTION). I admit now I had to be so focused and engulfed in the 12 steps to worry about effectively leading my family. I did not give the reins over, my wife took them on herself and started to lead. I think I am more of a patriarch now because time has allowed us to heal a great deal and I can focus on my families needs. I just had to follow my wife for a period because I knew I wanted to be with her no matter what and I honestly was still a wanabe patriarch.

Time will tell Angel but you can feel as angry as you want, and it is best you show him how angry you are, it will offend him during your exchanges but I know if he loves you he will lie down alone at night and pray for you and your healing and compel him to leave the darkness.

All he wants is to be with you, that is obvious but he needs to know in no uncertain terms what his addiction has done to you and your family. Who knows your boy may purhapse begin to see the light too. Like my wife told me: You know how we addicts always have to be the Hero's in every situation, well I always thought that I was the savior of my family. When I say family I mean present, past and future members. Well Angel let me tell you the truth, The addict cannot claim that fame, it is his spouse, it is you whom his family will forever hold dear for breaking this destructive heritage. Same as my wife and this is why I believe I am blessed to still be with her.

I love her for it.

4 I think you have been taken on a ride to hell and back, I cannot understand what you have gone through, I will not try. Same applies I believe, but in your case he is so lucky you still hope the best for him. He can change he just needs time and a lot of humility. I needed to know I would lose my wife to get humble enough, hopefully he is not in need of the same medicine. Read some of summers posts, she has good stuff for the hubby who thinks he is off scott free. As she said right in the beginning of my journey out of hell: My hell is coming to an end, hers has just begun without warning and preparation. Your husband has been planning his repentance for a long time. You are not so lucky. Hang in there."
posted at 10:56:26 on November 6, 2010 by ruggaexpat
"Just read your recent posts about your husband. Man he needs help, a lot more than time and your strong actions. I should post this on your blog as it would be more fitting there. I hope the stake pres knows the exact wrongs he has put you through.

I pray you find peace."
posted at 14:01:53 on November 6, 2010 by ruggaexpat

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"We cannot keep one foot in the Church and one foot in the world. One reason is the world and the Church are rapidly diverging. We will lose our balance.We know that "no man can serve two masters." Some, I fear, are attempting to do what President Marion G. Romney described as trying to "serve the Lord without offending the devil." "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006