Question about the bonding hormone
By crushed
11/3/2010 10:08:09 PM
The bonding hormones have been mentionned in some of your posts (I think form you wonderful Byourown hero). and I read about it in the he restaureth my soul. And as I understand it, husband's brain released hormones that bound him to what he was viewing and so now he is bounded to those women or body parts. And as my sister physically ressembles more the women he has been viewing, he had her as one of his virtual mistress and now is bonded to her as well. I calculated (right at the beginning in one of my very angry bout) that he had spent based on the amount of time he spent on it, that he had spent at least 2000 hours having sex with other women and less than 40 with me. So he is bonded to all those women or rather their body parts!!! Whenever he sees one of those women, it's like an intimate lover with whom he has shared his body and those memories come back??? How have you or are you dealing with those issues, the fact that hubby is more bonded to sister, coworker, porn star, etc.. or even strangers than yourself?????? How does he recover from it? Or how have you recovered from it? Does it ever stop hurting to know how attracted he is by other women, as opposed to you? That what he should have felt only for you, he feels for all ... What's left for me?? (I know I cook, clean, take of the children, etc... I feel just so much like a maid, mother, incubator of the children, etc.. than a real wife) What's left for me in a marriage with a man who is bonded to other women?
Does he ever stop being bonded to all these women?? Or he would just have to fight his now natural feelings for them for the rest of his life, like his lost longed loved mistress that his body can't have?? Does his body ever stop craving them?? Can he ever be normal, like a man who has never seen another women and be naturally bonded to one women? In another post someone mention a guy who could only do it with his boots on because of Mb with them on when he was growing up.
How can you feel special knowing all these things?
he's admitted before that there was nothing special about me physically,... that it was emotionnal (he thought he was going to make me feel better ... NOT). How do you ever feel special when you know that he considers that there is nothing really special about the way you look....
Is that just something you accept and live with. For me he was the most attractive man I knew.... It hurts to know that that is not what I am or was for him.... I do not care about all the reasons why I am so special to him (cooking, cleaning, helping, great mom, yep.. etc...)...
What's the point being married to someone who is not swayed by me and does not see how special I am and I am a good looking women too, I longed to be loved by someone who would think that I am the most beautiful person he has ever seen. ok you get the picture....


It's not a death sentence,    
"Working a program breaks those bonds and allows us to start learning intimacy the right way. Heavenly Father has the power to reprogram our corrupted brain cells and endocrine systems. I used to need porn to feel intimate with someone. Now I crave intimacy with my wife-ONLY. That is the miracle. We are not doomed by our biology. God is the great healer.
He can fix the conditioned response you feel when you think about your husband and other women, too."
posted at 23:48:13 on November 3, 2010 by Anonymous
I hope this helps...    

I can't tell you how helpful your posts and the thoughts and feelings you have shared have been to me and I'm sure many others here. We care for you and I continue to pray for you and your family. I hope this helps and does not come off sounding like I really know what I'm doing. I just want to share what I have learned in the past several months and I hope it relates to what you are feeling.

I shared this in a blog post a few weeks ago, but I'm not sure how many people saw it. There are a series of talks on BYU as part of a "Cyber Secrets" convention. They are basically a bunch of talks and lectures given by LDS counselors on pornography and its effects on the user, loved ones, and families. />

A number of the talks discuss how pornography is used to fill a need or desire for intimacy. (Not physically intimacy, true emotional connectedness) Marriage usually fills that need and provides a place for total friendship, trust, confidence, nurture, etc. However, many people (addicts most especially) never learn HOW, or never allow ourselves to develop the level of intimacy we all desire. The reasons for that could be anything from bad relationships with parents, good relationships but a lack of communication in the home, a lack of anyone who could be trusted while growing up, abuse, etc. In an effort to fill that intimacy void without placing themselves in a vulnerable position where they could be hurt they turn to pornography.

Several of the talks refer to pornography as the illusion of intimacy. That is, pornography, or more likely the chemicals released in the brain during acting out, help to hide or bury the pain caused by the lack of true intimacy, thus creating a false intimacy. The bonding that takes place, is actually more of a bonding to that numbing feeling rather than the images or fantasies themselves. The addiction is developed due to the fact that the easiest way to recreate that numbing feeling is to again turn to pornography. The irony is that, because there is so much shame associated with this coping mechanism, the act itself further prevents or decreases the chances and ability to the true intimacy that would have filled the void in the first place.

I don't know if this is really making any sense. The speakers present this information much clearer than I can. I hope you can take a look at the link.

I know in my own case, that really is exactly what has happened. From early on in childhood I have felt the need to hide any thoughts/feelings/emotions about relationships from all the people I should have been able to talk to the most. That carried over to my marriage. Without the ability to really open up to my wife the intimacy that should have developed never did. Pornography provided a relief from pain that I couldn't find with my wife because I couldn't allow that close of a relationship with anyone real.

As I have come to understand all of this, I have learned that what I want, more than anything, is to be open,honest, loving relationship with my wife. I don't want to have anything hidden. I feel that we have been each other best friends for years, but we could have been and should have been so much closer than even that. She is THE ONLY ONE I LOVE. She is everything to me, and I want nothing more than to be side by side with her for eternity.

That is a bond that cannot be built with pornography, no matter how long that vile relationship has been going on. It is an illusion, a fallacy, a trap. It only prevents that which it pretends to be.

Your husband can heal. He can leave pornography and its evil effects behind and he can be 100% committed to you and your eternal life together. Christ can provide that healing. All things are possible through Him."
posted at 10:46:55 on November 4, 2010 by paul
Dear Crushed    
"What a terrible ordeal you and other wives have been through. We husbands have not loved you. We have broken your tender hearts. What horrible pain we have caused! Oh, how we have trampled on and perhaps destroyed your purity, your goodness, your charity, and your self-worth. How we have abused and used you for our own selfish ends. There is no excuse for your husband's (and our) actions.

You ARE still a child of God. And despite the pain, sorrow, and loneliness you now feel, He still deeply loves you, and He will use this trial to your benefit and blessing, if you let Him. This is the moment you and your husband have been training for all of your lives. This is the moment when you truly apply the atonement that you have been learning about during years of primary and Sunday School. The blood and suffering, the love and understanding of the Savior is there for you to make you whole and to restore your joy and peace to an even greater level than before. This is the moment--despite and even because of these trials--when God can perform a marvelous miracle for you and your family.

If you and your husband "come unto Him," He will teach you both (and others on this site) to rely solely on Him. He will make your weaknesses strength. He will heal your pain and cover your husband's sins. He will make your marriage stronger and more beautiful than it was before. He can do all of this. He can save your husband from the effects of his sinful, selfish behavior, and He can save you from your grief and humility. He can COMPLETELY erase it ALL! Praise Him and run to Him, have Faith and believe, for He is mighty to save!

With love,"
posted at 17:11:52 on November 4, 2010 by beclean
"That bonding hormone is there for both male and female. It is not exclusive to the male gender.

Every spouse who finds herself dealing with the fallout of her husbands addictions feels all emotions you described in your post. How to get beyond those emotions? I have copied and pasted some great info from the churches web site

Beware of Comparing Reality to Fantasy
Many spouses feel insecure and intimidated when they compare themselves to images in pornography. The only thing that is modeled in pornography is sexual distortion and spiritual disconnection.

Many women will tell me they feel insecure and intimidated when they compare themselves to the pornography stars their husband lusts after. There are two issues here: (1) the destabilizing hurt caused by a husband’s infidelity and (2) the dynamic of comparing oneself to someone who has prostituted herself in a pornographic scene. Let’s look at the second part of this assumption. Many women believe they don’t measure up to what their husband is neurotically and narcissistically seeking out because they think the porn stars represent a sexual ideal. This is one of the biggest lies pornography invites women to believe. Most pornography stars have histories of sexual abuse, drug use or addiction, mental health problems, failed relationships, cosmetic surgery, and/or sexually transmitted diseases. In short, the only thing that is modeled in pornography is sexual brokenness and spiritual disconnection. Men who recover from a pornography habit also come to this realization and ironically begin to "see" the beauty of their spouse as what they desire and need.

Crushed, I put all of those negative thoughts into my "Jesus Box". A visual way for me to use the atonement. Either write your emotions down or just tell Jesus about them and then tell him you do not want to think like that anymore and you are giving those thoughts to him. Put you emotions you do not want, all of them physically on a pieced of paper or mentally and put them in that box. He will take them. He is waiting to help you.

For me it was all those years....... and I mean years....of the loss of intimacy. Not physical so much, (although recovery physical intimacy in the marriage union is amazing!) Giving hope here:). It was the loss of being nurtured, emotionally, spiritually and at the highest level God intended, physically. God knew what he was doing.. As your husband recovers and thaws out, emotionally and spiritually you will see a MIGHTY CHANGE. He will not be lusting, his desires will be for you and you only.

In overcoming pornography habits, individuals must make many adjustments to their behavior or attitude. Often they have become “past feeling” (1 Ne. 17:45; Moro. 9:20). They must learn to reconnect with their feelings and with God, to be humble again, and to trust. The role of the Holy Ghost is paramount in this endeavor and can help individuals experience “a mighty change” of heart that will influence them “to do good continually” (Mosiah 5:2; Alma 5:12 ; see also Alma 5:26).

My husband and I did some intimacy recovery work. We had not prayed together as a couple on a regular basis. A practical step for our recovery as a couple was to have prayer together as a couple, He had to be the one to initiate and follow through with this. I could feel his spirit as he communicated with his Father. It gave me confidence and hope to hear his tender pleas. I could feel the Lord take control of our marriage. He is the best marriage counselor.

My husband had to initiate an exercise of expressing feelings to me. 2, a day. I expressed feelings back. There were rules for this exercise. (outlined in; Intimacy,100 day guide to lasting relationships, Dr. Dour Weiss.
We shared two positive affirmations for each other. Praise and nurturing one another are essential ingredients for a vibrant, ongoing intimate relationship.

posted at 14:53:13 on November 5, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
BONDING?? 2    
"We made rules in our physical intimacy: Always with a lights on, candle etc. Always keep eyes open. Keep eye contact. (this is hard a first, uncomfortable, but the rewards are great and I believe help with the cleaning up of the nuro pathways that have been cluttered) BONDING!

We had to have date night every week. At least 3 hours, a fun time spent with each other. One week I planned the next week he planned. When you plan make sure it is something you want to do and when he plans he should make sure it is something he wants to do.

These are watered down suggestions but I hope it will give you the idea that along with your husbands recovery and your recovery, the marriage has to go through recovery. All of this is work, but well worth the effort. You will be supported by Heavenly Angels. Ask for them and you will receive.

I just shared about $3000 in therapy with you. Hope this helps. We have been admonished by our prophets to seek out the best help to help us overcome. I know I was lead to the recovery
tools I received. Pray and you will be lead also. He know what is best for you and your family.
My Love to you all!!"
posted at 15:10:34 on November 5, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
These are such good insights you have shared    
"I am pondering all of your views and councils and will get back later, I am so thankful you take the time to help me.

posted at 21:49:57 on November 5, 2010 by crushed

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"Brothers and sisters, stay on the straight and narrow path. No, stay in the middle of the straight and narrow path. Don't drift; don't wander; don't dabble; be careful. Remember, do not flirt with evil. Stay out of the devil's territory. Do not give Satan any home-field advantage. Living the commandments will bring you the happiness that too many look for in other places. "

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General Conference October 2006