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Step 5
By They Speak
10/30/2010 2:09:07 AM
Can't sleep so here goes nothin

When I first returned home from Texas in the end of August after being separated from my wife for 4 months I intended on droping the step 5 nuke as soon as we moved out of my moms to our house where she could have some measure of refuge. We talked and I told her we'd discuss everything. I thought it was a done deal. Locked in. I was relieved.

Then I met my sponsor. 2 days before D day. He insisted I wasn't acting in either her or our interest but rather that it was self interest. That I would be dumping and sabotaging so I could go live out my dreams as a single lonely miserable addict. I had fancied myself living a nice humble historyless existence in a fishing town of Alaska or a foreign country but I had to concede his scenario did ring a reality bell. He recommended I work the steps in order. What a novel idea. My order sure as hell never worked before. The SA white book confirmed his position. So I took his advice.

However today I told him step 4 is going to take a life time and my wife needs to know. Especially cause things are going well and getting better. We don't want to find ourselves in a place where she thinks everything is eh ok water under the bridge and that window of her feeling and knowing something is up is closing. I told him I think I'm telling the bishop so he's informed and she has somewhere to turn and then I'm going to tell her. He reluctantly gave me the green light.

In the last 2 weeks (i know not long) I've made some pretty radical changes, to no credit or iron will of my own, in my life. The biggest one: music. Food or the word of wisdom followed according to the wisdom God has given me (and I'm not just talking about beer and cigarettes) over and over for the last ten years concerning it is a close if not equal second. I've had more experiences with God leading me as to what I should do and the choices I should make concerning these two things then I can elaborate on here. From dreams to priesthood blessings, bishops councils to revelation to direct answers to prayers through people, books and otherwise. I've always known. And I, would, not. But I wearied. Tired of the chaos the static the running and the distractions. My patriarchal blessing could not have been more prophetic in this thing.

I'm finally surrendering, most literally, in these areas. I took step 1 and 2 with them cause I realized, after ten years of half hearted attempts, I couldn't even in these areas manage alone...and then was able to take step 3 with my life one day at a time. Finally

I just finished a seven day fast. Coupled with the above mentioned and some scriptures I haven't felt this much peace in over a year. And it was years and years before that. How I'd obtained that peace then and how I lost it is another story. I have learned a lot.

My point is I think I'm in a good place to talk to my wife. I think God has just been waiting on me and has been planning on seeing us thru, no matter the out come, this whole time. So why not?

Comments:

theyspeak    
"Wow, It sounds like a real miracle is happening in your life. You sound a lot different than even a week ago. I am so happy for you.

I wanted to comment on sharing things with your wife...

Are you emotionally prepared for her reaction? Imagine the worst possible reaction from her and ask yourself, am I on strong enough ground that I won't run to the liquor store or pornography or whatever it may be. And also, what are your motives? Really examine them. Make sure they are about her and not about you wanting to get it over with so you can go on feeling better and better. I've made amends prematurely and had them take me to the edge of relapse before so I am just trying to have your back.

Keep up the amazing work. It's moments like this that make the journey worth it, wouldn't you say? Who knew humility could feel almost euphoric?"
posted at 02:44:47 on October 30, 2010 by Anonymous
If it is the time    
"You could feel a serious challenge between your new spiritual self and the old natural self who will come to life in a strong way to try prevent such a bold and righteous move. For me it was just time and I knew it and I just gave into that good part in meand let him run with it. Don't know if I am making sense but it is hard to explain the inner workings. This is the real deal if done right.
Anon is right got to be prepared for the worst and have only one plan (turn to the Lord when things get ugly). It is ugly because we really then start to see the wreckage we have left behind. That is the ugliest sight for any husband to see."
posted at 07:26:25 on October 30, 2010 by ruggaexpat


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"The solution to this problem ultimately is neither governmental nor institutional. Nor is it a question of legality. It is a matter of individual choice and commitment. Agency must be understood. The importance of the will in making crucial choices must be known. Then steps toward relief can follow."

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