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the batttle is on the frontline today... how Do I arm myself better?
By Joshua
10/21/2010 11:21:54 AM
okay..as I do not want to diminish anyone else's pain here especially Angelmom's as she has at oft times been a source of strength to me...I feel if I do not write and put my thoughts in words I will have a harder time time overcoming this feeling that is so intense right now that makes me want to act out. Today is day 13 that I haven't acted out with the usual stuff and 2 days ago at work I almost got into trouble on my smartphone ( I am going to cancel the data connection in february..that way I aviod the cancel fee of 200$) Anyways the feeling today was so strong and I expect it will coem in waves today due to past experience with this. If i flirt with it ti will become stronger and stronger, I know that for sure due to my past history and my wife is not at home right now I am alone with my kids. So to remain strong and not do it..this is what I will do: think of the consequences of doing it even if Satan saids "oh, come on it it will not hurt and u will be able to get a reprieve from it and then u can get on wioth ur day about not getting tempted to do it..So i will leave u alone" oh what a lie this is as I know when I have gone this long without it if I do it I will binge and then it might take me a long time to get back up and have a streak like this and I might even end up masterbating at work in the bathroom..( that was so bad) but if I press forward and not do it I will get more confidence for next time as I will be able to draw on this experience that I was able to make it thru, I will be able to take the sacrament this week again, and I will be able to feel of the Holy Ghost more as well , I will be closer to going back to the temple and I will have built up more trust in my wife's trust bank and she will feel more secure when we are itimate with each other and it won't feel tainted as she feels that when I do break down and masterbate or look at porn or do both that afterwards when we are being itimate she feels she is feeding the addiction and I do no0t want her to feel like that I want her to feel that it is beautiful and a way of coming again to say I love you and I want to be with you forever and it be a way of renewing our wedding vows we made that day when we got married...so many blessings are mine if I abstain from not breaking the law of chastity today and forever....which brings me to another question...there is a certian young llady at work that I find attractive( not attractive like i want to go out wioth her but more like oh she is so HOT u wanna fool around a bit) I know it is wrong to think like this and more every day when i end up working with her for the day I try my best to immiedately replace any thoughts of that nature with thoughts of my wife and the love I have for her and for my kids and for the gospel but sometimes it is tough I even try to aviod to talk to her for the most part if all we are going to do is past time to talk about stuuf like movies, etc because I noticed that if I let my mind or somtimes the thought even comes without being invited comes pretty quickly so the question si what other ways can I aviod such thoughts or have more strenght not to ponder them when they do come?

Comments:

Hey    
"What has helped me with not doing the same things you struggle with is avoiding things. So i have put blocks on the computer, its called K9 and it barks if anything sexual or wrong is going to pop up. (if thats not embarrassing enough) I also dont leave myself alone. When im on the computer i leave the door open. Every time a temptation comes up I think of what President Hinckley says, "when a temptation comes, i put it to the side and move on." I love that. That is what helps me the most. So when I feel a temptation coming I put it to the side and move on. I either turn on the tv and watch something up lifting or I go on a walk or even get on here. When I'm at work or talking to someone that "distracts" me, I say a little prayer and try to remember why I am doing what I am doing. Because I want to be with my Heavenly Father and family forever. Hoping that helps..."
posted at 11:34:39 on October 21, 2010 by britta
I have a k9 filter...    
"so I have this filter...but I found ways to go around it a little bit..hence the reason why I have to be viligant in remembering there are many pathways with or without the PC that tempts me enough to get to the point of no return"
posted at 11:52:21 on October 21, 2010 by Joshua
Hey Joshua    
"You used the analogy of being on the front lines of a battle.

That was a very good analogy of where you are today. Have you thought about what that means? It means that if you take one wrong step, you might be dead. It means if you intercept enemy fire today, you could go down in horrific pain. It means if things don't go well, you might not ever see your family again.

Allowing yourself to view porn at work or to imagine an illicit relationship with a coworker is just as dangerous. One wrong step, and you might not have a job tomorrow...and you might not have a wife and kids the day after that. And your spiritual life is on the line at every minute.

So, let's win this battle!! Good job posting when you were tempted. We are here for you, on the front line with you. We've got your back, and we won't let you go down, if you'll stick close by. No one will be left behind, if we can help it.

You have listed MANY great reasons for surviving today. You need to make it home to your lovely wife and kids. You need to rebuild some trust. You need to stay close to the Holy Ghost and return to the temple. Those are excellent blessings for staying clean today.

When I'm tempted, I follow a pattern to eliminate the temptation. I outlined the pattern here:
http://www.ldsar.org/ViewBlog.aspx?EntryId=6586

Can anything on that blog help you? Are you able to go to your wife right now (on the phone) and tell her that you are having a hard day with temptations...but you are trying to stay strong? Are you able to go to her and tell her that you love her and that you are still clean as of right now? I don't know your relationship with your wife, but being able to tell my wife those things has greatly helped me get through some tough times.

Wouldn't your wife love to hear that you came to her first, before you turned to porn or somewhere else? Wouldn't she see that you are truly trying to overcome, and that you really do love her? Wouldn't that increase her trust in you? Give it a try."
posted at 12:22:02 on October 21, 2010 by BeClean
Hang in there    
"Having been on that battlefield, and on a real, non-metaphorical one, I know it's tough. Remember the power of prayer. If you ask Heavenly Father to carry you through a tough time, He will do it. It only requires the humility to ask."
posted at 13:49:41 on October 21, 2010 by Hk-47
Keep up the good work!    
":)"
posted at 14:36:10 on October 21, 2010 by britta
Normalize the thoughts    
"Say it is normal to think these things, every body thinks these things.

Keep saying it and the brain will move onto something different."
posted at 15:56:34 on October 21, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Rubber Band!    
"Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it. This is a great recovery tool for many addictions. The nuro pathways that are seeking pleasure will get pain and soon they will not go there because they get pain instead of pleasure. IT WORKS! Wear it until you get 90 days sober. Do all of the other recovery tactics you know also.
I would love to know if you think this helps."
posted at 17:02:19 on October 23, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Battle Plans    
"Being here is like calling for a council of war with all of the Joing Chief's of staff. The rubber band technique is good. Prayer is essential and daily scripture reading (reading the right scriptures such as are found in the AR manual) is a must. The k-9 filter is great but it does annoy my wife at times. You Tube will set it off even if you are watching a Tabernacle Choir piece. I keep my computer in plain sight just as I would for a teenage son. Your canceling the data connection or any other portal to the "Dark Side" must be done. Bye Bye to that!!!

But what about that co-worker!!!!! I don't know what it is. I have been clean and Temple worthy for a long time but I still need the Lord's help. Why is it, that with some women, as soon as she walks in the room that our eyes meet and communicate something to the effect that say's "GEE,I WOULD LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU" Why is it that my flirt mobile is always on automatic pilot? Once, when I was serving as the young men's president and we were having a joint activity with the youth, I dropped some ice cubes on the floor. While I am down on the floor cleaning up the ice the Young Womens President walks over and stands right next to me. She is wearing shorts and sandals. I put an ice cube on her foot. It got a few laughs but instantly, INSTANTLY, I knew that my flirt button was in the on position and I drew back. LIke you, I had seen this woman from afar. At times we would lock eyes. We both knew that the "Gee, I would like to get to know you better" song was playing in each others hearts.

My battle plan was to tell my wife that there were certain women in the Ward that I was friends with and that I wanted her to know and that I also wanted to avoid the very appearance of evil. See 2 Nephi 4:31. RUGGAEXPAT said that we are to normalize the thoughts. I did this by acknowledging these things to my wife. She knows that I am hot bloded. She knows that I can be a flirt..... But what about you? What's your game plan with the female co-worker (that sound soo generic) that hot babe!!!! You've got the rubber band around the wrist. You will need more then this. Can you have picutres of your wife and children at your work place. Wear a CTR ring and make sure you never take off your wedding ring. Don't wear that expensive after shave or the colonge that contains phernomes. Why excite the passions. Give her a "Pass a long card" of let her know that you are as Mormon as they get.

One more battle front- Self Gratification/Mas.......n. I learned all about this at age 12. It goes along with the Porn addiction. This urge will never go away. Fasting and prayer and self control and toughing it out. Your body will cycle down.
More later, my family is calling for me.
Josh, we love you and pray for your success."
posted at 20:04:09 on October 24, 2010 by migail3
Temple attendance    
"Today in stake conference the Temple presidency spoke. He promised that after you have repented from addiction you will still have cravings. Temple attendance will help minimize and relieve those cravings. The co worker........do not enter into to conversation outside of what is specific to your work. No conversations about movies, activities likes or dislikes etc.......that is emotional conversation. Save all emotional conversation for your spouse. She is the one who needs your emotional conversation. No shaking hands. No business hugs.
Migail, you lust meter needs a tune up!!! Or is there a difference between Hot blooded and lust? Usually it is another sex addict that gets the blood boiling."
posted at 22:41:12 on October 24, 2010 by Anonymous
appendage to the co worker    
"After seeing her there for a couple of days my only thoughts were oh u are nice looking at then I would leave at that just as if u saw someone on the street walking bye that was nice looking u might consciously check him/her out or not or might not even notice for a split second u were checking them out because at that point after the few seconds u see them u could care less how nice looking they were...my issue all started when I told her about my addiction thinking to myself " u are overly nice looking if I tell u this then maybe we can spend more time talking about other things as she was saying to me one day that she wants to quit smoking so i thought i share my addiction to build a relationship" ( I know now that was wrong) but before I realize it was wrong we would talk more and more then eventually I found myself lusting after her as I told myself that I would keep a constant gaurd for anything that I might percive that I feel romantic feelings for ahyone as I learned my lesson the hard way at aonther work site( was even trying to get myself involved or wasn't saying to myself if it comes then it comes no I was saying I am married stay true to my wife for I do not want to hurt her as I love my wife too..wasn't into porn so extensive at that point) anyways back to the co-worker.so I begin to talk about sex related things thinking it was just sex education as we were using respectable language and we were just talking how to enhance the expereince between 2 people( i Know now that was a BIG NO NO) so that is why now I have troubles as most of the time when I see her and sometimes she wears provactive clothing and sometimes I stand there to see what i can see...I have told my wife all this too as she deserves to know and if I have any hope of her staying with me ( my wife) I need to be 100% honest and try my very best to stat away from any situation that would have me not be in control of myself with my addiction...so my battle plan is not to talk to co worker unless it is work related or very little about anything else as I do not want her to think i am snubbing her especially after I gave her the book of Mormon and invited her to meet with the missionaries and while talking to co-worker about other things from time to time if i feel that I can't be in control I leave the room and do other stuff...I do now want to wear my wedding ring or CTR ring as I do not them to fall off while under the hood of a car or have another thing that might hit machine that makes the pressure washer work...that would be bad"
posted at 23:24:53 on October 24, 2010 by Joshua
DANGER AHEAD!    
"Joshua, you are in a really dangerous postion. Can you quit your job? Seriously, it is THAT dangerous! I am sure you can't quit your job but do you understand that you've had an "emotional affair" already? That is the precursor to full-blown affair. Your battle plan seems weak to me. It is completely irrelelvant that you gave her the Book of Mormon. That's a trick the devil played on you to fool you into thinking your motives were slightly altruistic. What a cunning enemy! Completely ignore her from now on. Yes, snub her. SHE'LL KNOW WHY. If you do anything less, you are likely to show her later on that Mormon men cheat on their wives. How would that be for an example of the church? Please get out of this while you still can. It sounds like it's already reached the point of "obssession". You can still turn away! You haven't committed adultery yet! People on this sight may think otherwise but you can still turn back and jump head-first into the program!"
posted at 23:49:39 on October 24, 2010 by Anonymous
Emotional Infidelity    
"Joshua, I want you to understand from a woman's perspective that emotional infidelity is just as hurtful as physical infidelity. In fact what women want most is an emotional relationship with their spouse. Most men do not even have a clue how to get there. But, the conversations you explained are emotional conversations that you should be having with your spouse. Save all that up for your wife and you will see a big change in your relationship. You are right to stay 100% honest! WOMEN CAN PROCESS SIN BUT THEY CANNOT PROCESS LIES!!! But, you may want to call a sponsor or a support person, a male who can help you when you feel like you are going to the dark side. Your wife may not need to know every temptation, or thought, only if she asks. She absolutely needs to know if you act on those temptations, but you may be hindering her healing by telling her all your thoughts as you are striving to heal. Keep your distance from BOOBOO MOMMY especially when she is not dressed appropriately for the work place. Make your efforts not to look and pray for the courage and discipline to resist. Pray, Pray, Pray!!!
Stay away from the BOOBOO Mommy and stop being a BOOB! Crude but real! You will show more about the Book of Mormon by your actions. Do not even get into conversations about the gospel.. Send the missionaries. You need to save yourself!!! ANy look longer that 3 seconds is a relaps!!!"
posted at 00:07:26 on October 25, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
I have to agree with Anonymous    
"You are in a totally dangerous position. You sound like you're doing a lot of justifying. Trust me, it wouldn't take much for this to go horribly wrong. If she knows you're an addict and is dressing seductively, she is probably trying to start something. I told a man I used to work with (who I had had interactions with similar to yours) that I was an addict. It was the biggest mistake. I was in a vulnerable position, he made an offer to "help" me, and we ended up in a s*xual relationship. I wasn't married at the time, but he was, to a member of the church. I wasn't the only person he was with, but it was wrong, and it haunted me for almost a year after it was over. Please, please, please, for you and your wife (and your kids if you have any) stay far away from this woman. Quit finding excuses to be around her and start looking for reasons to stay away from her. Think of all you stand to lose if this situation gets any further out of control. You are playing with fire. Don't linger in the situation....flee from it."
posted at 00:09:10 on October 25, 2010 by dstanley
Josh    
"Here you can end up as Joseph or David.

You decide"
posted at 06:34:34 on October 25, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Amen    
"Joshua, you have received good counsel her and you have the perspective of both sides, that iis, from brothers and sisters. I saw a dear young friend go down the same path to a tragic end. The girl at work had problems with her spouse and his addictions. The guy had problems with his wife and His addictions. And she was all to willing to listen and understand. There were business lunches together. Having lunch with each other out in the parking lot. An emotional bond was created, a sexual relationship and bonding was fosterd and brought into full swing. The marriage ended with a distraught spouse and three precious little girls who lost thier father. Oh yes, they both lost their jobs."
posted at 22:06:46 on October 25, 2010 by migail3
Will you come into my parlot said a Spider to a Fly    
"The Spider and the Fly
Mary Howitt


Will you walk into my parlour?" said the Spider to the Fly,
'Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy;
The way into my parlour is up a winding stair,
And I've a many curious things to shew when you are there."
Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "to ask me is in vain,
For who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again."


"I'm sure you must be weary, dear, with soaring up so high;
Will you rest upon my little bed?" said the Spider to the Fly.
"There are pretty curtains drawn around; the sheets are fine and thin,
And if you like to rest awhile, I'll snugly tuck you in!"
Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "for I've often heard it said,
They never, never wake again, who sleep upon your bed!"


Said the cunning Spider to the Fly, " Dear friend what can I do,
To prove the warm affection I 've always felt for you?
I have within my pantry, good store of all that's nice;
I'm sure you're very welcome -- will you please to take a slice?"
"Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "kind Sir, that cannot be,
I've heard what's in your pantry, and I do not wish to see!"


"Sweet creature!" said the Spider, "you're witty and you're wise,
How handsome are your gauzy wings, how brilliant are your eyes!
I've a little looking-glass upon my parlour shelf,
If you'll step in one moment, dear, you shall behold yourself."
"I thank you, gentle sir," she said, "for what you 're pleased to say,
And bidding you good morning now, I'll call another day."


The Spider turned him round about, and went into his den,
For well he knew the silly Fly would soon come back again:
So he wove a subtle web, in a little corner sly,
And set his table ready, to dine upon the Fly.
Then he came out to his door again, and merrily did sing,
"Come hither, hither, pretty Fly, with the pearl and silver wing;
Your robes are green and purple -- there's a crest upon your head;
Your eyes are like the diamond bright, but mine are dull as lead!"

Alas, alas! how very soon this silly little Fly,
Hearing his wily, flattering words, came slowly flitting by;
With buzzing wings she hung aloft, then near and nearer drew,
Thinking only of her brilliant eyes, and green and purple hue --
Thinking only of her crested head -- poor foolish thing! At last,
Up jumped the cunning Spider, and fiercely held her fast.
He dragged her up his winding stair, into his dismal den,
Within his little parlour -- but she ne'er came out again!


And now dear little children, who may this story read,
To idle, silly flattering words, I pray you ne'er give heed:
Unto an evil counsellor, close heart and ear and eye,
And take a lesson from this tale, of the Spider and the Fly.

The Spider and the Fly
Mary Howitt

"
posted at 22:09:27 on October 25, 2010 by migail3
thank u for ur comments    
"okay so after pondering about the blog " danger ahead and rugga's comment about King David and Joseph...I thought to myself of all the things that have led me to this point and I can now see that it has been all set up by the enemy for the souls of mankind for it was by little bit by little bit just like it talks about in the book of mormom about how it by little bit and little bit we are led away till we are bound with a cord so strong that we can't get out of it how some things were really mascaraded as positive things when really it was negative things and how i feel like the author in the worth of the soul how it is basically the same path that I am on no matter how many positive things I do in my life if I don't get off it will destroy me for one cannot take the fire of passion and use it negatively and not expect to be burned by it...so today at work I didn'yt start a conveersation with her and she only said a few sentences to me which was work related and i didn't hang around just to stare /gawk at her...I say these things not to say eh look at me I am being a good boy ....I say these things so hopefully u guys will worry less about me for I don't like to worry people more than what the average worries are and it has been more than 2 weeks since i physically acted out and I spend less time fantasing about wrongful things too because I think it is okay to fantasize as long as u are thinking about ur spouse so that ur heart mind and soul is tied back to her/him"
posted at 23:05:49 on October 25, 2010 by Joshua
Good News    
"I'm glad you're seeing things differently and steering clear of her."
posted at 23:31:36 on October 25, 2010 by dstanley
Joshua,    
"Thanks for the update and nice job on avoiding this lady. I'm still a little worried, though. How long have you been married? How young are you? I want you to know that the things that you are experiencing don't make you a cheating dirt-bag. In fact, the thoughts that you describe and the situation you find yourself in at work seem normal for a young addict. I guess that is my question... are you an addict? Have you come to any conclusion about being an addict yourself yet? (I can't remember from your past posts.) If you're an addict than Step One is all about accepting that we are POWERLESS over this addiction. Left to our own devices, (and Satan) we will fail everytime. But that doesn't mean that "No matter how hard you try or how hard you fight it, you are going to fail and have an affair and lose everything."
Admitting to yourself that you're an addict is actually GOOD news because there is a SOLUTION. And if you surrender to this solution, you will be GRANTED the power to avoid that potentially destructive situation at work. Just remember that...if you surrender to the solution, you don't have to lose everything, like many of us did.

But if you come to the conclusion that all this situation needs is a little more honesty, scripture-study, will-power, and faith... and you are wrong, the situation you are in at work could destroy you. I guess what I'm trying to say is, dive into the ARP program with all your might! If the area you're in doesn't have daily ARP or PASG meetings, go to SA meetings instead. Many of us look back and see moments in our life that were definite turning points. Some of these turning points we look back in regret and some we look back with gratitude. This business you're in at work sounds like a familiar turning point for some of us. It can be the catalyst that gets you immersed in working the Steps, or it could go the other way. Good luck to you, Joshua. Get a sponsor. Work the Steps. Unless your not an addict."
posted at 03:44:24 on October 26, 2010 by Anonymous
answers to some questions posted by anon    
"I am 29 years old and I know I am addict as my behaviour as gotten progressively worse since I discovered porn and how to u get a sponser from arp when they do not encourage a sponsor but only work the program and prayer and I have been married for nearly 7 years and have 2 kids 4 and 10 months

I also have red hair and hazel eyes and I like most sports too and I live in Alberta( just doing a little fun lol)"
posted at 23:12:43 on October 26, 2010 by Joshua
Sponsors    
"If there is someone in your ARP group that seems like they have it together, you can just ask them if they would sponsor you. You could also go to some SA meetings and find one. I'm not sure you need a "sponsor" per se as much as you need a person (or people) that you can be accountable to, and a person (or people) you can call when you are tempted that will help you get your head back on straight. I don't have a sponsor. Part of that is because it is extremely hard to find female addicts to be a sponsor. I do have a group of people that I keep posted on my sobriety and slips who offer me support and give me a kick in the rear when needed. I have two people who get my Covenant Eyes accountability reports on my Internet activity. I also have two counselors (one I was seeing because of my depression etc. and one that specializes in sex addiction) that help me see things more clearly and work on the underlying causes of my addiction. I'm also going through the LifeStar program which I highly recommend. It is designed for couples, but you can go through it alone is well. I really like it and have found it helpful.

I have a 10 month old also (and an 8 year old), I'm divorced and I like sports, especially football. :)"
posted at 00:20:09 on October 27, 2010 by dstanley
combatingpornography.org    
"church web site. Look under the support tab you will see sponsor or support person. I have heard this before about the ARP program not encouraging a support person. This may be the case previously I do not know. I do know that there is directives that are available that give both the sponsee and the sponsor guidelines to follow in their particular rolls. Talk to your group leader about it. Ask them to check it out. Support or sponsors are an important tool for your recovery process and your accountability to working the program.
Glad to hear that you set recovery boundaries for yourself. Keep at it Joshua. Remember repentance is not recovery. Work the Steps!!!!! Pray, Pray, Pray!!!!"
posted at 00:21:45 on October 27, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
What is your favorite colour? : )    
"The ARP program is still relatively new and the question of sponsorship is one that has been answered (officially) in the last decade. Today, it is not just encouraged but essential. I got clean 9 years ago and sponsorship was taught to me outside of the church. Recently, the church has found it important enough to publish an adendum to the ARP Administrative Handbook which explains why it is so important and encourages everyone to get one.

Beware, opinion coming...

A sponsor's only job is to walk you through the 12 Steps. They don't need to be your best friend, marriage counselor, financial advisor, or spiritual guru. A good sponsor has worked the 12 Steps and as a result, he/she has experienced the miracle of recovery. Candidates are pretty easy to spot because they have what we want...Clean time! Years of being clean from working a 12 Step program. Our sponsors may definitely-at times- be our friend, counselor, advisor, etc. but their main purpose is to walk us through the Steps so that Heavenly Father can pour out his grace on us.

I was so broken in the beginning that I told my Heavenly Father, "I will work this 12 Step program that's been put in front of me to the best of my ability, and I will trust You to keep me clean because I am absolutely sure that I can't keep me clean."
Doing everything in my power became, "Doing everything other trusted recovering addicts suggested that I do to recover." That included going to meetings every single day for the first 3 months, getting a sponsor, calling my sponsor every day and working the Steps. That was MY end of the contract. Heavenly Father has kept up His end ever since. Of course we should be doing all the church stuff, too. Everyone already knows what we're supposed to do as good mormons. Less people know this fool-proof way to get clean. Yes, it's a lot of work. But it is work that begins to do itself, after the first few weeks and after that it is actually enjoyable. Grace is a very ENJOYABLE. It is the opposite of white-knuckling. If it sounds impossible, just take it in 24 hour increments. All that is really needed to start is willingness.

I was curious about you because you are exactly the age I was when I got clean. I completely relate to all your thoughts, too. Looking back on my first year I had such unrealistic expectations of my wife. It makes me smile in embarrassment. I wanted her to be my cheerleader and she always dissappointed me. Expectations, get rid of them! They will all lead to resentment. Good luck, Joshua. Do they have SA meetings in Alberta?"
posted at 03:28:53 on October 27, 2010 by Anonymous
Oh yeah,    
"I'm 38 years old, 6 feet tall, 205 pounds, brown hair, brown eyes, I like long walks on the beach and science-fiction. I reside in the most beautiful city in the United States. (Not SLC!)"
posted at 06:12:29 on October 27, 2010 by Anonymous


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"Jesus rejected temptation. When confronted by the great tempter himself, Jesus "[yielded] not to the temptation‚ÄĚ. He countered with scripture. Gospel commandments and standards are our protection also, and like the Savior, we may draw strength from the scriptures to resist temptation."

— D. Todd Christofferson

General Conference October 2006