My Story
By harpoon
10/19/2010 10:32:39 PM
Hi my name is Andy and I have been addicted to mb for almost a year, and I can't explain the pain I feel now, through my child hood I was always courious about sex and how it worked but I felt I could never talk to my parents about it and so through time I read material that was very expisit and then i got caught one time by my parents, I was 15 at that time and I never did it again I was clean and then I served a mission and it was going great and then one time that courosity that came into my mind and talked my companion and then I broke the rules and started looking for answers in the wrong areas and then I experimented and then I masterbated, and then I realize what it was and it felt good at the time and then it happen week after week and sometimes day after day, and then I went to mission president and he helped me alot was clean for 3 months and I am home now I have been since January and then courosity got me and I fall and I do good for a week or two and a month but I have not talked to a bishop since my mission president and I have not been to the temple for a long while, I have a girl friend and she knows the problem and is trying to help me, and really want to go to temple soon, but I don't know if I need to see the bishop before I go, I wish somehow I could just focus on being clean that there would be something that would just have a profound affect on me, but I know there is no easy cure, I know that I must read the scripture every day and pray, and I read most day and pray every day but when I take a bath for some reason my mind is not focus on the goal and I get sucked in and fail, and just recently I have fallen, I really want to be clean, I don't want to be in bondage anymore. so please tell your thoughts what could help and what I need to do.


"Welcome to the site, Andy (Harpoon). You are not alone. We are here to help and strengthen each other. You asked for thoughts and advice, and I don't mind sharing a few. Just know that I'm not perfect, and you can choose to follow or reject my advice as you feel impressed.

It sounds like you have a bath time "routine" to break free from. I can imagine how you feel climbing into the shower thinking, "Oh, no...I don't want to do this again, but I DO want to do this again. This is what I do in the shower." The temptation to do things the same old way is strong and hard to shake.

But why do you have to do things the same way? Why does the next shower HAVE to be a time to act out on your addiction? Why can't the next time be different--just once? Why can't the next shower be a quick shower--maybe in cold water--with just enough time to get clean and to sing a hymn?

Of course, it doesn't have to be the way I say, either. All I'm suggesting is that you shake things up a bit. Change your habits. You don't have to be a slave to what you have been doing for the past year. You are in control. Take a bath/shower differently next time and don't be a slave to your routine.

The next time you climb in the shower, think: "Oh, there's that temptation again. There's that thought. Yes, it might feel good to do that for a minute, but then I will regret it. I don't have to do this the same way as always. I can change my routine. I don't have to listen to these feelings and temptations. I can do something different." And then, do it differently because you can.

And don't get upset at yourself or become afraid simply because the temptation has come again. Considering your past and the routine you've established for yourself, that's normal and natural. That temptation is likely to come for many more days, weeks, and months, until you establish a new routine. So, don't get upset if you can't keep the temptation away for a while. Just keep telling yourself, "I COULD do that, if I chose to, but I don't HAVE to, and I don't WANT to, so I won't."

Anyway, that's just one suggestion for someone who appears to be addicted at your level. If that doesn't work, my friend, then there are many more things to try--the most important is turning your life completely over to the Lord. But, seriously, it might just work to change your routine a little bit and remind yourself that YOU are in control.

As for talking to a bishop, I recommend you do, but some on this site might encourage you to work through the first four steps in the 12-step program first. Download the Recovery Manual and get started. The Lord loves you, and he will help you become free from your selfish actions.

Finally, get to the temple as soon as you and your Bishop feel it's appropriate. The temple is the house of God, and you can feel His Spirit and His Presence there. Seek that presence.

Good luck, Brother. Let us know how things go! Welcome to our team."
posted at 23:00:21 on October 19, 2010 by BeClean
Welcome, harpoon!    
"I have to second what beclean has suggested. Four or five minute showers. And, as was mentioned, it is normal to be tempted. I know it sure feels like the temptation ITSELF is a sin but it is not. Did I mention that it is NORMAL?. It is what you do with the temptation in the moments after it reveals itself. I agree with beclean in not jumping the gun in calling this thing that's been going on a full-blown addiction, yet. Some young men have struggled with masturbation in their youth and by confessing the sin, changing habits, and diving head-first into the gospel and service, it did not reach the level of addiction. Be warned, though, the repeated viewing of pornography all but guarantees that an addiction will follow what started out as a masturbation habit. Be VERY vigilant about your internet usage and do the things you KNOW promote chastity. You are young. You may not have to go down the road that many of us have. It's a thorny one and it's is really HARD to get back on the right path. But I believe that if you don't take this bad habit lightly and go confess it to your bishop in humility, you may have a chance of escaping some of the grief you may have been reading about on this sight. Good luck to you, young friend. If you think that you are already an addict, get involved with the ARP program. It is a wonderful program of hope for those of us who are addicts. One more thing, if and when you get a handle on this thing and have repented completely of it...don't EVER let your guard down, Andy. You now have a weak spot that satan wil use against you the minute you let your guard down. (Especially in college)"
posted at 01:29:19 on October 20, 2010 by Anonymous
From a woman's perspective..    
"MB addiction is serious. Even if you are not looking at Porn.

God created us sexually. Our bodies are programed to respond to the sexual experience within the bounds of marriage. As God intended. The chemical and hormonal releases that occurs in the sexual act, create in our mind a bonding to what ever we are thinking, looking at, or with. The brain cannot tell the difference between your fiction or reality. MB creates nuro pathways within the brain. MB will effect a persons ability to satisfy or be satisfied by a future spouse sexually. You glue to what you are looking at or thinking. Brain cookies that your body and brain will crave. This is Gods plan. He wanted us to crave each other in our marital bonds. To glue to each other. This is true for both men and women. MB is not exclusive to men. Women suffer also.

I read an example of a man who could not have sex without his boots on. He lived on a farm and in order to keep his actions private he would go outside and MB while looking down at his boots!!! Extreme ? maybe, but this is an example of brain glue.

There is recover and confidence and peace you are seeking. Take the steps for repentance and recovery. Secrets make us sick. Secrets make families sick. Get recovery material. Go to a 12 step group. There are groups for men who are seeking freedom from sexual addiction. PASG Group, in the church and SA, in the community. The stories you hear there will be much worse than your situation right now, but if you do not deal with this, their story will become yours. Do not treat this like it is not a big deal. It is a big deal for you and for your future relationship with your spouse and with GOD.

The Final Freedom, Dr. Doug Weiss, is a great resource for recovery. Practical steps and exercises that will give you the tools necessary for recovery. He gives simple attainable daily exercises for Freedom. He has been in your shoes. He knows your pain and how to get recovery quickly.
Pray morning and night, read your scriptures and recovery material daily, do recovery work, exercise, call someone daily to be accountable to, anther man. Marriage will not fix MB.

Try not to rely on your girlfriend other than being truthful with her. She cannot fix this.

You can heal. You can do this. I hope this helps you."
posted at 13:32:59 on October 20, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Please Get Real Help Now    
"If you read my story through my posts, you can see where I am sitting after 23 years of marriage.

Believe me, my husband as tied everthing under the son..... Everythiing, that is except real recovery. Real recovery takes work. Please act upon everything Hero said to you in the above post.

My heart is broken as for the first time in my marriage, and because of my own soul searching I am considering seperating from my husband. I never thought it would come to this. I have loved him and we have been through so much. I cannot imagine my life without him. He has a beautiful heart. However, his porn/mast is costing us too much. My oldest son is soooo severly addicted that his personality, relationships, and work have all been negativly effected. Recently I have learned that my 15 year old is hooked on oxycotton/weed.

We have never had T.V. in our home. No R Movies. I have been a stay at home mom and as I began working, my husband and I took turns caring for our kids. No Daycare. All of the things that I thought we should do to protect our family. The big thing that was missing..... The priesthood. Yes he was worthy many times and at those times there were beautiful and spiritual experiences. But he always got lazy.

In his late 40's he is just beginning to realize the fallout of sins.

I tried to help him in everyway possible, but the truth is, I could never help him. He must do this alone!!! I am getting help for me, but it has nothing to do with him.

I am broken for many reasons, but I have come to realize that one of the largest reasons is living with an addict who did not protect with the priestood.

Believe me, if people around me knew I was going through this, they would be shocked because we have remained very active in the church during all of this hell...

Please get help now... This will not end with marriage, it will only get worse.

I am going to the temple today and will put your name on the prayer roll

posted at 14:47:21 on October 20, 2010 by angelmom
"Andy...Welcome! Mb is how it started with my husband. You are doing the right thing by looking for help now...I cannot express how wonderful that is. If my husband would have taken mb more seriously, maybe my heart and soul would have been safer in his hands...We are now in the "clean up" phase after mb, lies and porn have threatened to tear our family apart. You seem like such a nice guy...please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. I'm with Beclean and Anonymous...Going to the Bishop sounds like a good start to me. Whenever I have a question of whether or not I should go to the Bishop with something I have done...That is my answer, I go. I have said some pretty crazy things to my Bishop, and he has been understanding through it all. Your Bishop is there to help. Just so you're in my prayers. :)

BYOUROWNHERO...Oh my! "He wanted us to crave each other in our marital bonds. To glue to each other." I was trying so hard to explain this to my husband today...I just didn't say it near as well as you did. I was telling him that my body aches for him and he is the only cure...But for him, he aches and he can fix it. It's hard to be replaced. I appreciate your comment so much!

Angel...I am so sorry. You are in my prayers!!"
posted at 16:27:27 on October 20, 2010 by summer
Dear Angel - Mom,    
"I completely agree with your insistence that your husband make real changes NOW. I've compared you with my Mom before, and I think Dad ought to change NOW.

But I seriously wonder about your recent, repetitive blaming of Dad for the things your kids are doing. May I share my opinion in love? I hope I don't offend.

Your children have their agency, too. It doesn't really matter what our parents do, we need to make our own decision in life to serve God, and we can do that regardless of our family situation. I know many children of TERRIBLE parents who become stalwart, strong Church members. And then, we all know that Lehi raised Laman and Lemuel, and Alma the Elder raised Alma the Younger, and Mosiah raised his four sons. And let's not forget that Lucifer was a son of God, too.

You know all this. So, can we really blame the problems of children on the parents? Your children know where the truth is, and they can choose to follow it, if they want to, regardless of how dad is acting in private.

My own family is a decent example of what I am talking about. I think my Dad has had a life extremely similar to your husband. Things you write about your husband (his attitude towards the gospel and callings, etc.) sound just like my Dad. But of my brothers and sisters, while many of them suffer--and are recovering--from the direct effects of sexual addictions, none of them are doing drugs or are involved in the kinds of things you say your children are involved in. All of my siblings over 20 are now temple-married college graduates with solid degrees and good jobs. Despite the "lack of priesthood" in my home, my siblings have still chosen to follow what they learned from church, from Mom, and even from Dad (when he spoke the truth).

Your husband did (and continues to do) terrible things to you and to your kids. But I feel it's unjust for you to blame your children's problems on their dad. Would you support THEM in blaming their own problems on Him? Wouldn't you want them to take responsibility for their own faults?

Definitely, you should expect better of your husband. But if you pin all of your children's faults on their dad, no amount of repenting and clean living will ever bring him back into your graces; you will continue to blame him for the faults of others.

Forgive me if I'm attempting to remove a mote. I just don't want you to build up a wall of anger, resentment, and unforgiveness against your husband--for something he is not truly responsible for--which will be difficult to scale if your husband ever changes his ways. I believe there are LOTS of things for you to be upset at your husband about...but the choices of your children is not one of them, in my opinion.

I might add that you also cannot blame your children's actions on yourself, Mom. You did the best you could, and you must let them explore the world and make their own choices now. Children make bad choices. That is why,

"We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins." (2 Ne 25:26) Keep talking of Christ, Mom, and your kids will know where they can turn when the time comes.

With love,"
posted at 21:53:08 on October 21, 2010 by BeClean
Welcome Andy    
"Great thoughts BeClean! That kind of wisdom only comes after spending some serious time in recovery.

Andy, you'd do well to follow the advice given. I am the wife of an addict. I would have loved to only have those challenges to overcome. As difficult as it is for you now, I'm sure you've seen it gets much worse than where you are right now. I'm doubt you could find anyone on this site that would suggest you can wait and do it later. You're in a good place with trail blazers in front of you.

This might seem really lame and it's the mom in me coming out.....but this thought keeps coming. I have six children and one of them is a son about your age. I know how difficult it can be to speak openly and honestly about sensitive topics. What you're feeling is normal and a natural part of life. Those feelings are strong and put there for a divine purpose. It's ok to have those thoughts. You can't will yourself to not have those thoughts. The part that you have to control is what you do with those thoughts. They don't have to stay and they don't need to be invited to stick around and multiply. You're not experiencing anything that is 'not common to man' or woman. That's where all that advice in the previous posts will have the desired effect in your life. When you control what you let stay and you daily go to your Heavenly Father in prayer and read your scriptures, he gives you the strength you need to overcome any challenge. I guess what I really wanted to say is being tempted is not a sin. It's what you choose to do with the temptation that counts.

Since you know when and where you are triggered, wear a rubber band around your wrist to snap when your thoughts get crazy. Give your brain something new to build a neural pathway around! You can teach yourself not to trigger by causing pain instead of pleasure. I know that sounds crazy...but byourownhero was telling me about a study of 2,000 men who are in recovery. The number one thing that helped them recover was a wife that stayed and supported them. The 2nd thing is a rubber band around their wrist. You don't have a wife, so let's skip to #2.

It's good to have you with us."
posted at 23:57:57 on October 21, 2010 by SEEINGLIGHT
Once again    
"...Beclean holding down the impeccable logic fort.


There is a difference between presthood power and presthood authority. On what principles are the power and influences of God maintained? The virtues out lined in dc 121:41-46 are not just available to be wielded or enacted by those with presthood authority. And I believe the power that comes as those virtues are practiced is available to all if I'm reading correctly. Why would God deny you and your children His grace and power that is available only at an infinite cost intimately paid for each individual just because your a girl and your kids are kids and your husband was an idiot 30% of the time?

My guess is the power of presthood (God), even if only maintained thru you at times, was in your home more then you think. Just like in mine and dstanlys and every happy, and even miserable, non member home, broken home, whole home and member home.

p.s. I'm not great off but I would have been soooo much worse off had I grown up in a home where spirituality was more strictly practiced. There is no use in my mom wondering what was missing. Your kids may be best off with things just as they've been. We all need something different. Think about it."
posted at 01:53:52 on October 22, 2010 by They Speak
I do not know if it is me but parent's choices defintely influences the children    
"In Jacob and other places in the book of mormon, fathers are urged and called to repentance for their sexual sins. The prophet says that the behavior of the parents will lead astray the children and that the sins of the children will be on the heads of those fathers. This is from the scriptures, not me... And I understand that Angel needs not build more resentment, but it does not take away the fact that a father sexual sins has a great great influence on the kids, thus the emphasis that prophets and apostles trought the ages and now are putting on staying away from it. They know it destroys lives and children are it first vitcims.
My poor husband came from such a home and our children are suffering the same as he did as a child, it even goes as far as our oldest child is the same age as he was when he was traumitised by the mess his parents lived in and he recreated the same situation for his kids.... But as he recovers and I recovers, there can only be hope and healing for everyone"
posted at 21:50:12 on October 22, 2010 by Anonymous
...if only we COULD blame our parents.    
"My parents used to be my favorite excuse for my addiction. I thought, "If you had my upbringing, you'd be an addict, too!" That only works if there wasn't an Atonement made. The Atonement evens the playing field by making up for the wrongs that were done to us by providing a way out. There may be huge open wounds inflicted but we can't complain about them when there is a Magician standing at our bedside offerering to remove them."
posted at 22:51:51 on October 22, 2010 by Anonymous
...and yes our children suffer for our mistakes but    
"luckily, they were HIS children first."
posted at 22:54:17 on October 22, 2010 by Anonymous
Still this is a disease that can be pass down on to the next...    
"And we are responsible for passing it down.. I do not want to depress anyone, just to encourage and motivated those who want to be clean to continue the fight, to do better and fight harder.. if you have children, they will suffer... The Saviour will be there, but it is not an excuse to continue on hurting those children trough addictions... Yes, they were his children first, because they are his children, we need to continue the fight and find in them even more motivation and determination to fight this once and for all from our lives."
posted at 19:13:34 on October 23, 2010 by Anonymous

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"By emulating the Master, who endured temptations but “gave no heed unto them,” we, too, can live in a world filled with temptations “such as [are] common to man”. Of course Jesus noticed the tremendous temptations that came to him, but He did not process and reprocess them. Instead, He rejected them promptly. If we entertain temptations, soon they begin entertaining us! Turning these unwanted lodgers away at the doorstep of the mind is one way of giving “no heed.” Besides, these would-be lodgers are actually barbarians who, if admitted, can be evicted only with great trauma."

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987