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The Downs of Being Married To An Addict
By angelmom
10/14/2010 7:51:10 AM
My husband was on a trip recently and slipped up. I was very sad and cried a lot, as wives of addicts usually do. Because my son is also in the same place, it adds even more pain.

I could tell while talking over the phone that he slipped. He was going to tell me but I beat him to it. I was very sad, not angry this time, just deeply sad. My heart is breaking. In the middle of this my son is also deeply in. He is so broken.

I handeled it differently this time. I worked my steps more, prayed more, and read my scriptures more. It still hurt, but I got through it and was able to feel love and compassion.

I am back in that place of sadness today. I am feeling really overstressed. I am overloaded with work and I physically feel like I am going to break.

My husband has grown cold towards me and the kids again and that makes things harded. He went to the Bishop on Sunday and the bishop told my husbnd not to attend the Temple for 30 days.

I did not realize how hard that hit hm as he was very angry (mostly with himself), self-centered, and thinned skinned. He stopped praying with me and walks around like a wounded puppy. When he told me he felt this way, I stopped and said I am sorry for your pain. He has to give up a couple of opportunities to attend the Temple for some special events this month.

You see, through most of our long marriage, although confessing each time, his reccommed stayed in tact. It was like, oh... don't do it again...slap on the wrist and ...go to the Temple, you will feel better. Although I am sad for his pain, I am grateful for a wise Bishop who finally get's it. He was forgiven a little to fast over many years and many Bishops.

It stands in his face almost daily that his lack of true leadershiip in and out of years, has given his family and especially his oldest son no protection.

My oldest son will be attending Dr. Doug Weiss Clinic in November. I would like my husband to go, but right now we are not able to afford both and my son is at the point of no return, so we decided to send him. Because my son is unable to rent a car and the clinic is very far from the airport, my husband will need to travel with him to take him to this 3 day clinic.

I hate all of this, but I know that my Heavenly Fatther and my Savior will one day make it right by my family. However, for today I am sad again.

Sorry to be so gloomy, but it is what it is.

I am off to the Temple this morning to find a little peace, cuz heaven knows I am not going to find it in my home right now.

Please say a prayer for my family and all families on this blog and everywhere. This plague is killing families and breaking the hearts of spouses and children.

Angel

Comments:

Angel    
"Over the months I have read your stuff I have seen through the writing a dear innocent sister on a rollercoaster ride from hell. Up and Down Up and down and around and..... I think you are bang on about the Bishops. They do not get it but once they do then the healing kicks in really quicker. At least that was my experience. Read Lawrences stuff recently, and many like him where the leaders took strong action against the sin and habitual lying to protect the family and not just the sinner. Your husband is damn lucky from the sounds of it. I know one thing if I so happen to trun that hellish route again, I will meet a disciplinary council and I hate to think about what that would do. I have wrote tons about how I feel towards my family as a result of my actions too.

Before I tell you about my experience, I need to add that I have never went further than the P AND M infidelity sins. With that I went to my Bishop and said to him, go and pray and ask the Lord for counsel on how to handle me and my repentance process. I did this because he was a good friend of mine and I served with him in the bishopric. I knew that Bishops in the past were too lenient on me because of close relationships. I was not just ready and willing to do the Lords will I was actually going to do it. I needed my Bishop to put friendship aside and see me as an addict/sinner. He did not come back to me in 1 week, not 2, not 3. He came back to me after a month. I was imagining the worst, the stake pres was aware and who knows else. I was so sure I would sit in front of all these people and have to explain myself. I was crap scared. My wife and I both thought I would be excommunicated because I held very sacred callings in the past. So after a month my Bishop had fasted and prayed, studied the handbook of instructions, and finnally met with me. He said that the Lord did not feel it necessary to hold a disciplinary council. I was to be put on probation for 4 months, that meant no activity in meetings, no temple, no callings nothing, not even speaking in class. I was disappointed in myself but greatful for the Lords mercy. Those 4 months turned into 6 as the Bishop met with me on the 4 month mark and felt that it was not yet time for me to participate actively in the church. I was OK with that. I missed out on a lot of blessings in that time but I gained a massive appreciation for the blessings I did have. My repentance process was aided by a Bishop who loved me enough to call on the Lord help for me. I am eternally greatful for his strength of character to do what he did. I love him and have tears running down my eyes as I write this as I realize again how important his faith in Both God and me was.

Ok so when I read about husbands sulking about 30 days no temple I say thank the lucky stars for such mercy and pick up the lip. Angel you deserve the blessings of the Lord I pray your hubby wakes up and smells the roses.

When the Bishop gets it there is a strong likelihood that the sinner will get it the hard way. I felt it the hard way but definatey not harder than others have and for that I can thank my lucky stars and their creator."
posted at 08:30:09 on October 14, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Prayer is a falling tear    
"I love the hymn that comes from> One of the verses is: Prayer is the burden of a sigh, the falling of a tear. (hymn: Prayer is the Soul's Sincere desire) I too, have cried a million tears. The lord has reached out to me each time. The burdens become lighter and don't last as long the healthier you become. Trust in your Bishop and go to him, too. You need the Priesthood blessings as well. The Bishop I had at the worst of my trials was supportive, he is now the High Counselor over our ARP groups. He has grown so much and has been a strength to many. Unfortunately, I moved to a different ward, and when I told the new Bishop of my trials, he blamed me and when my Husband died, 4 years ago, he never spoken to me about it. He still ignores me. I think he just doesn't know what to do. Some bishops get it, some don't. Pray for them to be educated and enlightened."
posted at 08:43:08 on October 14, 2010 by BTTB
I am sorry Angelmom,    
"You do not deserve this. You are a daughter of God with divine potential. You will not be denied the blessings you deserve. I want to believe there is an end to this suffering, there will be ahead joy and happiness, if not on this earth, in the other. Sometimes, I feel forsaken, at least today, my pain is more than I can bare and I feel I have already failed my mission on earth (as a family). How can I help my children connect with God, when I feel so forsaken? So hurt and in so much pain. Today, I cried in the car, in my bed, in my kitchen, etc.. I remember job feeling forsaken, Joseph Smith at times, and even our Saviour. I guess he would let us bear that cross, as long as it is going to take to purify us. Sometimes, it feels I would do anything to make the pain go away.. but it comes back....I feel I am doing everything I can to heal!!! Not much is happening, it feels like the Heaven's are closed and have forgotten I am in pain. You will be in my prayers
crushed"
posted at 18:33:31 on October 14, 2010 by Anonymous
Feelings Today    
"Thanks Rugga, BTTB, and Anon,

I did not use my steps like I should have on this one and I lost it. But I forgve myself and give me a break for not handling this one according to my recovery plan.

I have been through much in my life and have to say that being married to an addict and having an adult addicted child takes the cake. I have never been really fond of rollercosters and my situation is no exception. I hate my life sometimes because of this. I do find joy in my children and many beautiful lifelong friendships. I also find endless joy in serving others.

My husband is an unusual addict. He has not really lied to me though the years. I know there were times when he did not tell me, but I always knew somehow, and confronted him. He always went to the Bishop right away. His conscience would not allow him to hold the sin. In some ways I believe that kept him from taking it beyond Pn & Mast. However, the pain of this addiction keeps him in a rude mood much of the time. That has been another sin because we all tend to walk on egg shells around him. You know, don't upset dad. He is especially unkind to my youngest teenage boy. He is condescending and talks down, especially to his children. But on the other hand he is an amazing Gospel teacher and you feel the spirit when he teaches. I just wish he believed in his heart and lived by what he teaches so well.

He has always been great at providing for my needs and wants. He has always spoiled me with attention and gifts. I know he adores me. I just hate the feeling in our home most of the time. It always feels like he is dissappointed in someone. We used to have parties and people over for meals. I stopped inviting people because It became to exhausting and embarassing and I didn't know if he would call the kids down in front of people and embarass them and me. I just gave up.

When we talked the other day, he said that he has been restricted from the Temple a few times. I guess that is true here and there, but this time, it really upset him and he fell into a depression. He also said that he would go to a meeting that night, but as usual, work interfered ( he has always overworked). He says he will work the program and he goes to meetings here and there, but not really working the steps. He says he will work the steps this time, but I have heard that before. I love him, but I think he would have to dig into his own truth filled emotions and that scares him too much to actually do it. He is great a directing everyone else to salvation. Everyone but himself. Rugga, unlike you, he has never held any leadership in the church. Not that that matters, right?

He has lifelong friends but keeps everyone at an emotional distance. Everyone (family and friends) thinks he is something he is not. My own family thinks my successes in life are because I am with him. Some of what they think is true, He always supports me in whatever I want to do. When it comes to this addiction, no one knows. I know that he dreads the thought of people knowing the truth and that is what keeps him stuck.

I have seen him full of life and joy for short periods of time, but it never lasts. I have come to believe that he is really sorry for the slips when they happen, but I do not know that he will ever really work the steps. It's been to much too long and I am tired.

I love him and have spent many years with him, but this is killing me. I have not yet reached recovery and still deal with my own codependency. I feel tired, my body is tired, I have pains in my chest. Emotionaly I am spent. I am truly being held up daily by the Savior or I would have collapsed a long time ago.

Sorry Folks, I am here to be completely honest, and these are my feelings today. I love this blog as all of you have inspired me and lifted me in many of my darkest days...And for that I am eternally grateful.

Angel

Angel"
posted at 22:19:17 on October 15, 2010 by angelmom
.    
"I too have an addicted husband and a son. My husband has been clean for two years now after being excommunicated. He is about to get his temple and priesthood blessings restored. You mentioned your son is going to see Doug Weiss. If I may ask, how old is your son? I have a 15 year old son who is also addicted to s~x (m~sturbation). I would like to hear how the three day intensive goes for your son. We have had my son in the Sons of Helaman program but he lied to the people there. He is still fighting but I fear for his future. Would you mind posting about your son's experience in Colorado? I would really like to hear how it goes. I am looking at possibly sending my son for the three-day intensive experience. Also, do you know if Heart to Heart is an LDS run organization? I know it is Chrsitian based. Thanks for your help.

Thanks for all of your comments on this site. I feel your pain as I live it everyday myself. "
posted at 11:16:22 on October 16, 2010 by bikermom
Heart to Heart    
"Bikermom, Heart to Heart is run by Colleen Harrison who is LDS. She started it with her husband. Her story is quite remarkable. It is worth checking out. She and her husband have both authored books dealing with recovery.
I have found that intervention clinics only work if the patient is agreeable and has a true desire to change, otherwise we are practicing our codependence by making them go. It is expensive and if they aren't really ready, it won't work.
Best wishes to you."
posted at 12:39:20 on October 16, 2010 by BTTB
Heart to Heart in Colorado Springs    
"This is not a LDS based clinic. Dr Weiss is Christian. My husband and I attended his 3 day for couples. It was amazing. I have read and listened to many of his audio and video literature for teens. It is excellent! If I had a son who was struggling with this addiction I would take him there. Dr. Weiss recovered from this addiction and he started as a teen. Those that I know who have a son struggling have said the info is amazing. He backs up his therapy with gospel principles from the Bible. Order one of his CD s or DVD s from his site. Check it out for yourself. The Spirit will guide you for what is right for your son. Drdougweiss.com. I love the practical steps he offers for recovery. This is his calling and I for one am very thankful for his commitment to saving and healing those who are struggling. With this addiction. He has material for partners, addicts male and female, youth, and couples. If you apply the LDS ARP 12 step and other therapy and counciling you will increase your ability for recovery. This has been my experience. "
posted at 14:15:59 on October 16, 2010 by Byourownhero
Boundaries! Angelmom    
"Boundaries, I found when I was in similar situations that I needed to do some more work on my boundaries. Boundaries need to have well thought out consequences, prayed about and discussed with your spouse before hand so that he knows what to expect when his behavior crosses your emotional, spiritual and physical, sexual boundary. Set boundaries for recovery, boundaries for communication, boundaries for behavior within your family. Boundaries helped me feel safe. I did not need to worry about what if''s. I just had to define what I was willing to live with and what I expected my life to be. You have that right.
Then I also had to get big with myself and set boundaries on my behavior as well. With consequences. It was a little work but well worth the recovery.
For example, "If my husband and I are out to dinner and he starts checking out everything in the restaurant besides the menu, I take the car keys and leave, or I have an extra set with me and leave and he can find his own way home, cab? I do not care. He at that point is no longer with me anyway. Any gaze longer than 3 seconds he has checked out. Of course I have communicated this to him before hand. If I start obsessing on checking up on him and what he is doing, then I have to make a contribution to the political party I do not want to support. Or wash his car."
posted at 01:53:23 on October 17, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Talking to the Bishop    
"I am sick right now. I have an infection and just went to the urgent care clinic to get on some antibiotocs. I think being sick is adding to the depression I already feel.

Thanks for what you said Hero and everyone. I don't know why, but it seems to be gettting harder than it was before. I spent many hours at the Temple last night. I stayed in the C-room and prayed and cried for a long time. I was asking for peace. Even though we have been in this boat for over two decades, each slip hurts more and more. I am praying and working my steps, but it is very hard right now.

I was in the Temple a long time and the thought never entered my mind, but when I came home, again the tears would not stop. No peace, only more sadness. What was in my mind was the covenents my husband broke and continues to break. He says he is doing better, but I can't see clearly right now and I don't believe anything anymore. I want to have hope today, but I am at a loss. My son is worse than ever and I feel circled about by this awful sin.

My husband always says that he will stay in recovery, but he gets lazy and nothing changes. He says he is changing, but I don't know if he really is. My mind is clouded right now. I told him that he may need to move out for a while in order to get better. I cannot believe the words crossed my lips. I never intended or even thought to say that.

Tomorrow he leaves on yet another trip... Yipee. The feeling in the home is less stressed filled when he leaves, but I hate even saying that out loud.

When do you ask a husband to seperate? I hate this. It is not what I want. He has nowhere to go, and we cannot even afford to do this. I see my children falling and suffering and it is by the grace of God that I am still standing. He had 6 months of sobriety and one slip and I am having such a hard time, why? He has never been with a person, just Pn and Mast, but I still feel like this is hell.

I will see my Bishop in 1/2 an hour. It has never meant much in the past, but I have a new Bishop and I will ask himw for a blessing. I am in dire need.

I turn to the Savior daily, but for some reason he is letting me go it alone right now. Yuck, this is no fun...

Angel"
posted at 16:37:05 on October 17, 2010 by angelmom
Sorry for your struggle    
"Angel,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. It sounds to me like there are definitely other issues with your husband than acting out, although maybe the addiction is causing the other behaviors. I agree that you need some boundaries. I think it's fair to sit down with him and be clear with what you need for the marriage to work. I may be biased though because that's what I did with my husband. We were in counseling, and week after week I would tell him what I needed and week after week nothing changed. I was accepting of the fact that he was an addict (I knew before we married and I am as well) as long as he was working on it, but it ended up being other issues that caused our marriage to end. He has problems he still doesn't acknowledge. If you have it near you, LifeStar is a really good program for couples. I've gotten a lot of benefit out of it. I hope that you continue to work on your recovery rather your husband does or not. Don't write your husband off too easily, or when you're in an emotional state (as my counselor has told me, make decisions based on principle not emotion), but do take care of yourself and your children as well."
posted at 16:47:58 on October 17, 2010 by dstanley
Oh my gosh Angel    
"I do not care if I irk people here but you are so justified in saying what you did.

Let me tell you, the major reason I took my steps so seriously was because 1) I knew I needed help and 2) I knew I would lose my family. The second scared the living hell out of me. The first I always knew. So why do I mention that well simple I needed the shaock of a lifetime to wake up and smell the roses. It still lives alive in my memory and I will never forget how scary a situation it was. I was beside myself, I was so miserable because I realized I had no control over the situation and my wife was free to exercise her agency. I was just a prop on the stage, no longer a leading actor.

You must know that my wife was not going to have any of this not one ounce. If I were to be stupid enough to head back in the old path of sin, IT IS OVER, OVER AND FINISHED! That is the boundary that works and helped her. In my experience the ultimatum gave new meaning to momentum for change. Does that work in all cases I bet not but in my case there was no other solution. Looking back now I would not have it any other way, I am not sure I would have come so far so quickly if I did not get that terrible realization that it could be over.
In our home, there is not just no porn, there is no media of any kind other than internet for work, school or necessity like DIY research. No news, no TV no rock n roll, no cell phone, no mags of any kind, nothing. Our home is medialess. It keeps a sense of spiritual security, we are happy with this and it eliminates the wondering questions of doubt.

I have learned through my own experience that there just is no excuse for dabbling in the filth. Time and time we hear on this site and everywhere else that man is a sexual being, that man can't help himself because of the innate drives to procreate. That is garbage as an excuse for thinking outside the bounds of an eternal covernant. There is no thinking outside of the covernant, no excuse nothing and if that be true then we are not showing any honor to the eternal companion and to the covernant that binds us. There is just is no excuse.

My opinion is that if you dropped the dreaded "separation" bombshell, he may just begin to take you seriously. I did because my wife was that "serious", no doubts, no games. I am still walking on ice in many ways but she is there with me still and I know that is what you want, him with you and take you and his recovery seriously."
posted at 20:03:48 on October 17, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Thanks Rugga    
"I thought I was doing so much better for so long, but this slip hury my heart like never before. kkept myself so busy that for all of these years, I did not really realize the gravity of the situation until I went to the Temple last night. Then it hit me. Although he had 6 mos or a year here and there of "white knuckling" sobriety, he was breaking saced Temple covenents. he pointed out that he never attended the Temple unworthy. I believe him. He was given the green light and he would go back. he loves the Temple, he loves the gospel. He just fell again and again.

I have a lot of praying to do. I am very cautious about councelors because my experience is that most are working their childhood drama thru people like you and me. However, I am going to find someone who will really help me. By now, I know how to weed the out.

I will keep close to the Lord and trust in him, because he only knows that I cannot trust my husband. Layers are being peeled away from me and it is very painful.

he told me that he never wanted anyone but me but if that were true he would have never looked in the first place. He said he did that because of this addiction. Aughhh, I cannot take this any longer. Something needs to give. He says he has changed, but he has not!!!

Hero talked about boundaries. I am going to establish more of them. I have done a good job setting and keeping them with my son, but not my husband.

He is very upset this evening because all bets are off.

Angel"
posted at 00:58:07 on October 18, 2010 by angelmom
Sorry Angel    
"A threatened separation is when my husband starting taking recovery seriously. Up until then it was off and on for years. Our stories are so much the same.

One thing is certain....right now decisions are being made that have eternal consequences. The closer to the bottom, the more important it is to do it right. You're wise to visit the temple often.

The boundary info is great. They're so important."
posted at 14:59:27 on October 18, 2010 by Anonymous
Separation struggles    
"I tried to force my husband to "hit bottom" by separating from him. I thought that would cure him and he would see the light. That was very co-dependant of me. He didn't hit bottom. He lived in an absolute hovel, on his own, (with his dog) and it didn't faze him. The addiction took over so much that he didn't feel anything, one way or the other. I set myself up financially before I left. I was able to take my 16 year old son with me. He thanked me for taking him out of the Chaos. He was getting mixed signals about the gospel and the word of wisdom. He didn't know how to express his confusion because he loved his dad. He loved him, but didn't want to be around him, the alcoholic. If you do separate, take care of you. Work on your recovery. I took a lot of grief from my husband's family because they were in denial about the addiction. It was very hard to go through, but with recovery on my part, we get along well now.
Best of luck to you, keep close to the spirit, he will guide you.
BTTB"
posted at 18:51:30 on October 18, 2010 by BTTB
For me, I was just not going to live in a house with porn    
"There are many bad spirit in a house with porn, and I know that the spirit can not dwell in a house that allows porn. For me, he had to choose, if it was porn or us and I meant every bit of it. So important that my kids do not grow up in a house with porn. Besides, a husband actively doing porn is just inflicting pain on his loved ones. I feel like the kids and I will be better off with out him then with a man who will be inflicting pain on all of us. I felt strongly about that. I knew was strong enough to make it on my own too. He has all the tools to succeed. If he doesn't do everything he needs to do to get rid of porn (actively working his steps), then he is choosing porn!!!! I could not stay with a man who chooses porn. So he has been clean so far, however I am prepared to go if he let his guard down and goes back to it. I do not think that it applies, howerver, it feels to me like your husband should make a more concerted effort and fight harder. If he doens't, he is choosing porn over his family. "
posted at 19:42:56 on October 18, 2010 by crushed
It is hard to imagine    
"It is painful to even imagine my life without him. I am sure he is thinking I am over the top. One slip after 6 months of sobriety on a trip away from home and I am going to this extent? He has always felt bad, and he thought he was in sobriety. Yes he goes to meetings. He said today, "I am doing all you asked of me, I am reading a book you gave me" I am going to my meetings", but he also admitted to me and the Bishop that he dropped the ball and has been lax in his "recovery". I think in his mind it is not as big of a deal as those other porn addicts because he never took it to a high level. He never paid for it. He stayed closer to soft core mixed with a little other stuff. He has come clean with me.

The difference with me now is that I can no longer be how I was and forgive so easily. I am losing my family and although he is not arrogant about his slips, what has happened has not been enough for him to seek true recovery. He does the minimums. He starts big and it goes away...

Here I am diving into anything and everything to find recovery for me, I always thought he would beat this, but now that I know what it looks like to go after recovery like your life depends on it, I know what it looks like when it's not happening. He cannot go thru the motions anymore. It is killing our family and I have become sick over it. I am falling apart. I know that I need to take better care of me and I believe I will. Right now, I am so broken it is all I can do to get out of bed in the morning.

I know he does not want this in his life, but the effects are so devastating in our family, that this can no longer be a casual "white knuckling" sobriety thing for him. I always forgave and said we will make it through this. You know, you have read my posts. For some reason, I have turned a corner.

I am praying for him that the Lord will open my husband's eyes to what he has done and that he will hold my husband near. For me I am praying for peace and it has not come yet. I also want peace for my children.

Since I told him I am considering seperating, he has been cold, almost nonexistant and like, "I guess this was coming sooner or later". No tears. I am shocked . He is in complete control as always.

We will see if he is willing to lose his family or go into complete recovery.

I hate this feeling. Okay one minute, trashed the next. I wonder if he ever really loved me.

Our 23rd anniversary is this month. I guess it doesn't matter anymore. There was never much to celebrate because I always wanted to be married to him only. Not him plus the images he enjoyed himself with. They moved in a long time ago and he can keep them if it is worth losing me...It may be, only God knows.

Angel"
posted at 00:23:59 on October 19, 2010 by angelmom
He wouldn't be trying if he didn't already choose you    
"Angel,

I know how it feels to be there. Please don't decide anything right now. It feels like now is the best time to decide because of the recent slip. You need to show him that you mean business this time and you can't keep living like this. A decision this important should not be made when emotions are so painful. I hope your willingness to say separation or divorce to him is enough to help him realize how serious you are. I don't know your husband, but when we were in that same situation, it was a stupor that caused my husband's inability to show emotion. It was a deer in the headlights experience for him. Your husband may not be cold and unfeeling beyond what the addiction is doing to him. That alone moves him to another planet and it takes a while for him to get back. At least it did for my husband. It takes a while for the feelings to hit, but when they do, you'll see he's hurting badly as well. I asked my husband to leave our bedroom. He showed no emotion at all. After we were into recovery more, he shared he often cried all night when he was alone in the other room. He never showed emotion to me while we were going through it. This could be the wake-up call that he needs to move into a more aggressive recovery. This sounds like what we went through and so many others who've shared their story here. A slip is a normal part of recovery and can serve to strengthen us when we've become complacent. It reminds us to be diligent.

Angel, you have so many things going on in your life that are difficult challenges to get through. In the hymn, "How Gentle God's Commands", there's a line that always jumps out at me. I'll cast my burdens at His feet and bear a song away. I was in a similar place where I had challenges with a son and my husband going on at the same time. The line literally jumped off the page and I felt a great big spiritual hug. I also learned I wasn't leaving any room for joy in my life because I felt so responsible. I dropped my burden at His feet because I didn't know what else to do or where else to go. Re-read the tandem bike story in Step 3. It's a great illustration of what I'm trying to say.

Give yourself permission to be happy for a while. Go do something you enjoy that is not related to recovery. Go see a movie that will make you laugh or read a book that will take you away for a while. Get a massage or something that you are completely indulging yourself in that will give you a break from the mental anguish for a while. I used to take off and visit my sister for a few days. When I was thinking a little clearer and had some distance, I was better to myself and my family.

God has a plan. Have faith enough to let it unfold according to His timetable. Be gentle with yourself. You've done your best and haven't intentionally neglected your duties as wife and mother. When I went into recovery I felt I'd done so much wrong. I learned I can't judge what I did before by what I know now. I wish I'd known better, but I didn't and I can't beat myself up over it now.

God loves you and I'm willing to bet your husband does too. Nobody sticks around for 23 years just because it's inconvenient to get a divorce. Surprise him on or near your anniversary by duplicating a date or trip that was especially fun for both of you. Be willing to forget about your challenges and go laugh together. You both need that and so do your kids.

I felt sooo very stuck when I was going through that. I had to find a way to break my cycle. I hope that some of my experiences will help you with yours. You're not alone.

God Bless!"
posted at 01:21:33 on October 19, 2010 by SEEINGLIGHT
Bless you    
"I just poured my heart out to the lord for the hundredth time today.> My eyes are so blod shot, they look weird. I amgoing to my massage lady in the morning and I soo need her. I have a huge thing comming this weekend and there will be llittle ot no time until get home. I wanted him to come. It is our anniversary, but he does not want to go. He said th he will cancel his flight and stay home. sad...Don't really see reality anymore.

I am seeking for peace. I feed to be whole. i will count o it :)"
posted at 01:52:44 on October 19, 2010 by Anonymous
Bless you    
"I just poured my heart out to the lord for the hundredth time today.> My eyes are so blod shot, they look weird. I amgoing to my massage lady in the morning and I soo need her. I have a huge thing comming this weekend and there will be llittle ot no time until get home. I wanted him to come. It is our anniversary, but he does not want to go. He said th he will cancel his flight and stay home. sad...Don't really see reality anymore.

I am seeking for peace. I feed to be whole. i will count o it :)"
posted at 07:16:44 on October 19, 2010 by Anonymous
Good for you!    
"I hope the massage was amazing!! Now that there's less stress in your body, intentionally do the same thing with your mind. Refuse to let it bother you right now. Focus on your big event this weekend and refuse to think about the challenges right now. They'll still be there later if you really want to go pick them back up. Maybe you'll just want to leave them with the Lord.

It's hard to guess when you don't know personalities, etc., but if my husband had said he didn't want to go to something but he's willing to cancel his flight and stay home.....I would have thought he meant that he DID want to be around this weekend because it's our anniversary. He DIDN'T want to spend it with me in a state of contention. He's staying but perhaps he's afraid of putting his heart out there in case it gets hurt. Ask him again and tell him how much you would like him to be there with you. Tell him you want to make a truce and go and have some fun. Give yourselves some boundaries that include what will or will not be happening and that includes emotions! Get a room or schedule something that you both like to do. Then no fair bringing up the challenges. Play games, go for walks, go to a Harvest Festival or some activity that you'll both enjoy. You could even play tourist in your home town. It hasn't been a perfect year, but that's not a reason to skip celebrating. Choose to be happy this weekend and ask him again. If he really says no, fix him a favorite meal and still give yourself those same boundaries. Tell him you're going to a movie or whatever you choose, ask him to be your date and if he still says no, take a child or a girlfriend. Let him know you're celebrating with or without him but you'd prefer it to be with him.

Celebrate, most don't make it as far as you have."
posted at 11:05:35 on October 19, 2010 by SEEINGLIGHT
I'm seeing[the]light!!!    
"Wisdom! 3 cheers for seeinglight's comments. Sound advise.

Guess you dont always need to hear from an addict to get some of their perspective. Seeinglight nailed it! "Stupor" etc! Exactly! Even her story about asking her husband to leave their bed. That's me to a tee.

As I was reading about all these ultimatums and bla bla all I could think was "hmm, that would do nothing to me. being a stark raving mad lunatic (addict) is eff-ing shocking enough." I'm not sure you can shock me out of it. But you sure can shock me into it...and like I said, I'm already shocked. If that makes sense.

I know you know this angel but this isn't just choice between chocolate or vanilla and he's choosing chocolate. Or more like a choice between a bowl of fresh strawberries and a big bowl of crap. You gotta think, the guy who keeps num num num-in on the big bowl a crap has serious issues. And they probly won't get fixed as easy as just a simple choice over strawberries. I'm sure your husband loves his strawberries. Your easy to love.

Just my 2. Listen to seeinglight. Brilliant!"
posted at 14:43:21 on October 19, 2010 by They Speak


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"Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us."

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988