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Tired
By Prodigal Son
10/13/2010 6:48:01 PM
Hi, I'm new here. I don't really no how to start this so I'm just going to jump in. I've been struggling with a sexual/porn addiction for as long as I can remember. I don't know why it started (trust me I lay awake wondering at night). All I know is that it got worse as time past. I'm 22 now, a returned missionary, semenary graduate, and hating what I have become. I've always had a sexual drive, even when I was little, and when I discovered porn at around 14 I was hooked. I led a double life. I good, rightous mormon youth on the outside, and a discusting son of maman in the inside. I both loved and loathed porn. I tried stopping a pluthra of times, but I kept giving in to the temptation. I barely struggled through my mission before I fell again. I felt like there was no way out and I grew distent from the Lord and the church, not feeling worthy. That was about a year ago. Since then I had dived head first into my addiction and as time passed I became more and more entangled in it. I felt numb and ugly. Always dirty no matter how much I tried to feel happy, I was always misrable.
It wasn't until I was scared out of my skin one night and saw the destination of the path I was on that I cried for help to my dad. He tried to be comforting, even though he was furious with me. after a long walk into the early morning with him, he finally convinced me to pray to the Lord and ask if I was worth saving. (I hadn't prayed in years and thought that I was doomed to Hell.) I got on my knees and prayed to my father above. I'm not going to say all what happened as it was a very personal, but I did get an answer. The Lord still loves me and I am still worth saving. I have never felt so much joy in my life as I did that night. I talked to my bishop and told him what was going on (he already knew though. I guess the spirit told him) and he told me of the 12 steps. I want, I need this to work. I don't want to go back to the way I was around a week ago. I want to feel happy again, I want to like who I am, I want to feel the warth of the spirit always like I did when I was doing good for a few days, but most of all I want to destroy the hold porn has over me. I don't want to hurt my future wife and kids with this.

Comments:

Good to see you here    
"Welcome. You are in the right place. You are doing the right thing. This will be a long, hard road. But working the 12 steps and turning yourself over to the God who loves you is the right thing to do. You WILL be happy again!!

Keep writing, my friend.

PS I love your screen name."
posted at 19:03:29 on October 13, 2010 by BeClean
Welcome Prodigal Son    
"I guess that name could fit me too. Thank you for your intro. and sharing your experiences. I am a recoverying pornography addict. For 14 years I was lost in a struggle filled with lies, and denial, and discouragement. More often than not I was on the losing end of that struggle. I began attending 12 step meetings last January--the Addiction Recovery Program and 12 steps have been the tools I needed to face and overcome my addiction. Truly they provide a pathway for a person with addiction to access the atonement. You can do this! Welcome to the sight and please keep posting."
posted at 22:33:07 on October 13, 2010 by seekrecovery
We look forward to hearing from you often.    
"I felt honesty and sincerity in your opening salvo. I often use militaristic language in my posts. Are we not in a great battle? You can and will recover and you will someday soon be a valiant covenant son who is strong in recovery and valiant in the testimony of Jesus. You are young and there are many in your age group that are falling victim to this escalating battle. Even now, the tentacles of porn addiction are reaching out to children under the age of 12.
I choose to be free from pron but it does not choose to be free from me. I was exposed at the age of 8. I was into PlayBoy at age 12. My parents never sat down with me and gave me the classic "Birds and the Bees" talk. I had to learn for myself and learn for myself I did. I had plenty of friends in the same boat. I joined the church at age 21 and went cold turkey for both drugs, alcohol and porn. I had a brief relapse but went straight to my bishop. It was embarrassing for me to loose my Temple recommend and to refrain from taking the Sacrament. But it was something that I had to do. I valued the spiritual health that I have always enjoyed and I, like that old prophet Lehi, had tasted of the fruit of the Tree and I wanted more of it for myself and my family.
I have said many times that this particular addiction to porn keeps on growing and escalating. You are vulnerable to a host of other temptations and you never know where it will lead. I knew three Bishops who got hooked on porn, one to the traditional and the other's, to "same sex". They all fell. One is now on the sexual preditor/offender list. What shame they brought to the church and to their families. You are also vulberable to the dark world of pedophilia and seeking out cyber and live porn. It gets worse and worse.
Hold to the Rod dear brother. Hold on with all your might. In the words of Sam Wise Gangi from Lord of the Rings, Don't You Let Go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's time to put on your battle armor."
posted at 06:11:16 on October 14, 2010 by migail3
Hey man    
"You have realized what so many of us should have at your age.
Get rid of it now by applying the 12 steps, you will be freed and gain strength through the savior.
You know he cares so now follow him and do the hard yards. You have decided to do what many cannot, so take courage and faith in your efforts thus far.

It is not easy but better days will come.
This is still my hope that I cling to for dear life."
posted at 10:26:20 on October 14, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Thank you    
"Thanks for the encouraging words everyone. I've felt so alone in this struggle for so long I feel it is a miracle to have support finally. I've been reading through the 12 steps and looking for meetings around me but so far I haven't found any. I've left a message with my Bishop and I hope he knows where some are. Migail3, I now exactly what you mean. I have seen so many fall victim to to pornography at a young age, myself being one of them. If I knew then just how much it would screw with my life I wouldn't have started. I guess that's something I'd like to do with my life. Tell others of the Hell porn puts one through. That's if I can find my way out of it myself. I hope and I pray every day for the strength to fight this."
posted at 21:01:13 on October 14, 2010 by Prodigal Son
We're in this together.    
"different addiction but same emotion. I am new here also. I am glad that I am not alone in my desire to make this work and to get back to where I used to be. I want the feelings I had when I was younger. I hope that somehow I can help you a little."
posted at 22:15:28 on October 14, 2010 by rykersbooboo
Welcome! :)    
"Hey Prodigal Son,
Welcome to our family! You can feel at peace here because we are all dealing with the same thing, addiction. It is a horrible thing. I personally hate being addicted to anything. Thank you for joining our family. I am so excited to read your blogs and get your input on others blogs. You will fight this. You will have the Lord. He will help you more than any of us. So will Jesus Christ, just keep hanging on. Take it one day at a time. And if you need us, you know where we are! :)"
posted at 23:10:03 on October 14, 2010 by britta
Welcome!    
"I'm glad that you've been able to reach out for help. You are definitely not alone. http://www.providentliving.org/content/list/0,11664,4177-1,00.html has lists of ARP meetings and you can call LDS family services to see if there are any not on the list yet. SA meetings are good too. If you can't find either of those, you can look for an open AA meeting. While it's nice to be around others with the same addiction, addictions are similar enough that any 12-step meeting will help. I'm a recovering sex addict. I went to some AA meetings and CODA (Codependents) meetings when I was in rehab.

I also hope to someday be able to help others avoid or get out of addiction. I especially hope to be able to help other women struggling with sexual addictions. Hang on to that desire."
posted at 01:34:53 on October 15, 2010 by dstanley


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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988