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A little sad
By They Speak
10/12/2010 7:36:01 AM
I'm reading a lot of my posts from back in May when I first showed up here. I feel like in some ways I'm honestly worse now then I was then.

Then I didn't just think I was nothing, I knew it. Reading my posts I can remember genuinely feeling and counting my opinions about as significant as they were...not very. Now sometimes I think I think I'm pretty smart and important. Though I was angry and dejected I prayed and God heard and I knew it. Though I was the among the vilest of sinners and had no desire to repent I think I was closer to a real understanding of my humble state of affairs then I am now. Sometimes I read what I wrote and am surprised how clear I was on somethings. Its almost like when your truly honest about your intentions even if they aren't very nobel being clear on what should be done and what is reality without excuses to convolute and dilute your understanding comes easier. When your full of shit like I am now that "hey I'm really trying and want to be a stand up gentlemen" you have to think of some other rational to justify why your doing something you know good and well to be destructive. Like staying up late. "Oooh its not that big of deal" cause if it was since I'm trying to be a good guy and all I'd probly go to bed early...so it must not be a big deal...cause I'm a good guy. When I was honest I didn't have to lie. I want that back.

I'm tired of thinking I'm something special. There was something refreshing back there at zero. Why is it as soon as I sense even the most infintesimally small hint of an inkling that maybe I'm repentant do I begin to lose the essence of step one...that I am nothing? I want to stab my ego in the face. Do away with self (small s) consciousness...lest I think my worth is not wholly grounded in His merit. True it is I'm judged by my works. That's why its so important that they are Christ's. No man doeth good. No not one.

My demise forced me to God in heart.

Comments:

Excellent realization    
"We need to continue to be honest about our inability to overcome our addictions. Quite frankly, no matter how long I've been clean, I must acknowledge that my life is completely unmanageable without God.

But just because you've started to feel better about yourself, They Speak, while you work the 12 steps, is not a bad thing. I think the Lord wants you to humbly recognize your complete dependence on him, but he doesn't want you to move through life in complete and abject sorrow for your sins, always considering yourself a piece of garbage.

That is not how he sees you. He sees you as one of his sons, worthy of saving, worthy of sacrificing His Only Begotten.

And Joseph Smith taught that when you have faith in Christ, you will have "an actual knowledge that the course of life which [you are] pursuing, is according to his will." Faith in Jesus is the first principle of the gospel. As you have developed faith over these past few months, you have come to feel your life is slowly becoming in line with God's will. This realization is giving you faith in Christ and confidence in yourself. These are not bad things.

So, while you (and I) must continue to realize our dependence on God, our fallen and worthless state, yet we can also rejoice in progress we have made through the Savior. We don't need to constantly wallow in the muck, just because we feel like we need to be constantly feeling bad about ourselves. If we are repenting or have repented, we do not need to keep feeling bad about ourselves."
posted at 09:30:58 on October 12, 2010 by BeClean
Well said BeClean    
"I like this talk by Elder Holland. Titled "Remember Lot's Wife"

http://www.byub.org/talks/talk.aspx?id=3403"
posted at 10:23:39 on October 12, 2010 by paul
AMEN    
"FAITH IS CONFIDENCE!"
posted at 17:37:28 on October 12, 2010 by byourownhero
Theyspeak,    
"I think you're experiencing a strange phenomenon that happens to some of us. It is extremely uncomfortable at first and it's weird that the moment you accept that you have it...it's gone.
Humility. : )"
posted at 20:22:03 on October 12, 2010 by Anonymous


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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987