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I am not who I should be... Also - Are you doing OK Rugga?
By paul
10/5/2010 5:24:51 PM
Doctrine and Covenants 93:28 — He that keepeth his commandments receiveth truth and light, until he is glorified in truth and knoweth all things.

Doctrine and Covenants 93:31 — Behold, here is the agency of man, and here is the condemnation of man; because that which was from the beginning is plainly manifest unto them, and they receive not the light.

Doctrine and Covenants 93:32 — And every man whose spirit receiveth not the light is under condemnation.

I wrote this two months ago, a couple weeks after I started recovery.

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I am not who I should be. I have spent too much of my time, too much of my life entertaining inappropriate thoughts, images, and ideas. My mind is not what it once was. I have rejected light and knowledge that I once had and given place for that which does not edify. Until I have come to this point. I cannot focus on good things. My relationships are strained, or at the very least, not as strong as they should be.

I am dishonest with myself and with others. I make promises and tell my wife that I love her with all my heart. I do love her with my heart and I do not desire to be with anyone but her. And yet, I cannot be honest with her and show her my weaknesses, because I would lose the one thing in my life I know I love. I lie. Aside from covering my addiction I don't believe my lies are about anything big or meaningful, usually just embellishments of true stories or events, so why do I do it? Why does my mind automatically try to change my world, or at least change people's perceptions of my world? Am I that ashamed of who I have become, of who I am? I cannot even face it myself. I am a Son of God. I have such limitless potential. I was blessed with a loving family, a good home, a good education, great opportunities. Everything I have ever needed to succeed has always been available to me. And I have not succeeded.

I don't feel that I have ever lived up to my potential. And now that I recognize that, it feels like I am buried by so much dirt from my past that I can't climb out anyway.

I'm grateful for the associations I have with great people. A sobering thought is the realization that a great many people I look up to as righteous examples are actually younger than me. I have floundered and wasted my time and talents while they have progressed and gathered truth, light, and knowledge.

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Things are much better now. I can feel darkness beginning to break. I can feel control coming back into my life and mind. But I needed to re-visit this entry. I needed the reminder of where I am coming from, and why I must keep up my daily/hourly efforts to stay clean.

I love my wife and family so much. How could I have ever been so blind and callous to cause them so much pain? They are my greatest blessing in this life. They deserve so much more than I have given them. I will continue in my resolve to never hurt them with these sins again. I will become the husband and father they deserve. The best husband and father I can be.

Thank you to everyone who continues to be active in this community. I am strengthened by those who are working to overcome these same weaknesses. I am grateful for so many of the talks this last weekend. Power was promised for continued efforts to improve.

Comments:

There is HOPE!    
"Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Your march to victory...Your continued battle with confidence in the Lord and his promises if we do our part is inspiring. Thank you!!"
posted at 18:03:02 on October 5, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Doing well brother    
"Still got to get around getting an email up.
I am reading the entries now and again. It is great to see you doing so really well. It might not seem as well as you like but we just got to press on. I am working on my emotional development. Reading books and seeking answers to prayers about how I can grow up and be a man. I am clean but that is not good enough I am affraid, if I want to be happy with my wife and be any bit comfortable to be around I just have to go the extra mile and grow up! hat I am affraid is what my addiction prevented me from. It sucks to realize this but quite liberating too because I know what I need to work on to progress. I have done a lot of self examination, done my 4th step so now the real hard work of changing has begun. It is so hard because it is all fine and great seeing the missing character bits on a piece of paper but actually changing them is impossible without the Gospel of Jesus Christ and so that is the journey I have undertaken and I expect it to be a long, hard and painful one still. When I got on this site I think Sierra and in fact a few other sisters said give it time. I understand this now and try to see time as my friend instead of my enemy. I have learned a great deal of patience throughout. I have learned that family is a special gift but there are limits as to any eternal life guarentees. Lot of hard lessons but it has been a learning experience more than anything else. Thank goodness for mercy and the repentance process, there is hope. Just got to have faith brother. I have really enjoyed your post and lawrences'. You guys need to be positive and just hang in there. There are better days, I have them at times and when they come just soke them in. The best times now seem to be the wholesome and recreational activities together as a family. Sure there is a gulf between us but in those times we become friends and that is great stuff. BTW She is more than just a friend but I think you know what I mean.

Cheers buddy."
posted at 09:19:40 on October 6, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Growing up    
"I think I can relate very closely to what you're saying when you talk about growing up. I've tried to talk to my wife about it several times, but I don't know how to communicate it to her very well. I don't think she really understands me when I try to explain it. I also hinted at it in my journal entry from a couple of months ago when I said I am not who I should be and noted that a number of people I really look up to are younger than me.

I believe it also came up at least twice in General Conference last weekend. When we're bogged down in addiction, progression stops. I suppose I knew that. But I had always assumed they meant spiritual progression. Turns out it includes emotional, mental, and spiritual. The physical toll it takes on us might also be included as a regression. Addiction truly gets a hold of every part of our life and forces it to stand still or fall part.

I often do not feel old/responsible/mature enough to be a husband or father. It really does feel like so much time has been lost when I should have been progressing, should have been becoming the man my family needs me to be. Nevertheless I know in whom I trust. I will do all I can and rely on the Savior and the atonement to help me make up the difference. We were promised several times that we can be made whole, we can heal, we can be who our Father in Heaven intended us to be."
posted at 10:11:19 on October 6, 2010 by paul


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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004