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Two Face
By realguy
10/4/2010 2:53:14 PM
Ok so I have to say first off that this site is an answerer to prayer...

So I’m 22 years Old and a returned missionary. On the outside I appear to be a funny cheerful guy, who love to go to the movies and have fun...but its not so how I feel on the inside.. I look at myself with disgust! I’m not proud of who I am and the things I do… I have addiction to Pornography and have struggled with it since I would say 18…I did get on track and repent and served and honorable full time mission, although the temptation was still there I did not struggle on my mission and stayed clean..It was the best years of my life! I was free and I felt the spirit work though me! On my mission I had the deepest fear of what would happen when I went home and had access to everything, the internet. When I cam e home things were good for a while and I thought I could control it… But I need help… I’m so poisoned with filth..I know I have a problem and that it won’t “go away” …I don’t want this to be my life, I feel numb and miss the sweet feeling of the spirit I use to feel so much! I feel as though I have let down my family, my friends. But that is not the end, when I first got home from my mission I wanted to find a girl to love so in the hope this would depress my feelings. Well I found a girl and I really liked her, I even meat her on an LDS dating site. But she had her own issues..See during the time we were dating I was doing very well in controlling myself. Well To my superise she was very sexually aggressive (Exactly the oppisit of what I was looking for) I never thought girls to be like that…Hard to believe she really trying to push things! I loved her and I did not want that. I was so so so strong! I would tell her no time and time again..well foolish me to stick with someone who had the same flaw as myself..one day things went to far not sex But we all no were the line is and I passed it.. I felt tribal and the next day went to the bishop and she did the same… well to make a long story short we broke up and she is married now! Haha well after we broke up it really hurt me I really liked her and so ofcorse the devil kicks when your down, I started to view Pornography again. I feel like trash! I have a new girlfriend now and she is great! Im falling in love with her… but we to have had bumps and I have went to the bishop..I know it is because I view Pornography that’s how it works.. it becomes not enough…I feel I my be a sex addict. So what can I do?? No one knows the other side of me except God. I have noticed I don’t even pray very much any more and when Sunday rolls around instead of feeling joy I feel dirty…wishing I could stay home… What I’m doing is wrong and I HATE IT! I hate it with everything I am! I’m at a point were it needs to end! I will not get married until its gone…I WILL NOT PUT MY WIFE THOUGH THIS! It’s not far…I feel like I’m on the cusp…I have big choices coming up and I’m so scared. Can I every be free from this? I want to change my life right now before it gets worse!

Comments:

This is a start    
"Good job identifying what you have, and bravo for posting. That took guts. You really want Heavenly Father to help you. I hope you live close to where there are meetings. Come to meetings. Keep on the good path that you have started. I'm very proud of you for recognizing that you need help. Keep posting."
posted at 15:46:27 on October 4, 2010 by lawrence
Yes you can be FREE! Get on you knees!!    
"Prayer is where it all starts. Pray for strength to get the help you need. Do not stop praying and going to your church meetings. Read your Scriptures. Find resources that will help you. Books, CDs. read recovery material. There are books listed on this site. Also check out sexaddict.com for more resources for healing. 12 step program is a must for support and direction.
You can heal, you can be all you can be! It is work but you and your future family are worth it. Do not let Satan, tell you otherwise. Cast Satan out and get to work!!! Arm yourself with the tools of recovery. Recovery is a part of Repentance. True Repentance is not just stopping a behavior... Do not doubt! You have seen the Lords miracles as you served your mission. He will be there for you also...He does not want to loose you. WE want you to succeed and you can. Please do the work!!! This time it is for YOUR soul!"
posted at 17:06:48 on October 4, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Thank you    
"I will for sure look into meeting, I think there are some by me. It will be a hard step but it must be done! I was also looking into those books, I will order one online. So today is day one... Day one of the battle for my life. Thank you so much for your comments, you have no idea how nice it is to get some ideas and support! I will keep posting, I know this will be good for me."
posted at 17:52:33 on October 4, 2010 by realguy
He restoreth my soul    
"is an amazing book!!! You will not regret it and you will learn so much about how your brain and spirits work when you are addicted and how to heal from it. Get help now!!!!! My husband did not and now it has destroyed our family and caused me and our children immeasurable suffering. Do it for your future wife and for your future kids. The more you delay, the harder it is going to be. It is easier to get rid of a 4 year old addiction then of a 20 years old addiction. You would not have wasted your life on it. Get help, go to the 12 steps meetings. They are so great and helpful!!!!
Good luck"
posted at 19:04:14 on October 4, 2010 by Anonymous
Awesome!!!    
"Keep us posted!"
posted at 19:04:24 on October 4, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Hey RealGuy    
"Welcome to the site.

I just wrote a lengthy response to another new site member, McDrizzy. I think what I said to him applies to you, too, even though you are already an RM.

Take a look, and let me know what you think:

http://www.ldsar.org/ViewBlog.aspx?EntryId=8475

We're here for you. Post here when you are tempted!!"
posted at 20:03:01 on October 4, 2010 by BeClean
You are on point.    
"You are in good company here. We all know the power and the inherent weaknesses of the flesh. While reading your post and all the responses I started thinking of Stephen R. Covey's Book & The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. While you served your mission your focus was on the Lord's work, 24/7. Many of the principles that involve day to day missionary work are found in Bro. Covey's book. I especially like the section about the four types of people and the 4 Quadrants they assign themselves to live in. Check it out and it too may be of some help. I especially like "He Restoreth My Soul". That book alone has given me faith, trust in the Lord and in His servants.
This is the most important part- You can pray everyday but if you are not reading from the pages of the Book of Mormon EVERYDAY- your spiritual muscles will atrophy, that is they will shrink and diminish.
So Realguy, welcome to our group. Having you here is like having a running partner. I can go the distance when I have a friend running along side of me."
posted at 05:02:20 on October 5, 2010 by migail3
Spend less time hating yourself and more time being thankful for the Atonement    
"Realguy - Thanks for your comments. You are stronger than you think. Satan is telling you that you have messed up too much and are no longer worthy. He's telling you that because he's worried that you are taking steps to overcoming this problem. He knows that as long as you are humble, penitent, and willing, the Lord will be with you and help you master your carnal self.

Don't listen to him. Remember that the Atonement is a continual thing -- it covers our sins and weaknesses for as long as it takes. As LONG AS IT TAKES. I would highly recommend reading The Continuous Atonement by Wilcox. I have been in the same boat as you (only I AM married with kids) and this book has helped me tremendously.

Stay strong, have faith, and keep stopping by this website. I'll be praying for you."
posted at 17:15:10 on October 5, 2010 by iwillnot
WOW    
"Its only been 2 days but I am feeling better about life. I still have a long way to go but I’m glad that I am starting! "MIGAIL" I looked online for "He Restoreth My Soul" and I bought it. It should be here in a couple of days! Thank you guys so much for your words.

So I have some questions that I have always wondered about but never had someone to ask..

So with my addiction my baggiest problem has always been the internet, I have never bought porn or kept pictures on CDs or anything. I have really restricketed my internet access I don’t have the code to get on my home computer and on my playstation I did a code so I can’t get on the net, I even shut off the net on my cell phone (now I have a new phone with the net) So my question is, can I ever get to the point that I could have a lap top and all the really cool stuff with the net and not have to worry? Is that possible or will I have to be restricted like this the rest of my life? Maybe people who have struggled before and are doing better. Have you been able to have these things."
posted at 19:03:15 on October 5, 2010 by realguy
Of course.    
"Computers have become an everyday necessity. Can't do without them. I installed the K-9 filter on mine. I have the speakers on all the time. When I bring up a risky site this dog starts barking so loud that my wife shout "turn that thing down" I love this filter. It always barks when I go to youtube. I have the ability to override it. I can do so because my wife is sitting just a few feet away. I don't need to have my computer in a separate room. My son went so far as to restrict his usage to the computer only when his wife is home. Not a bad idea. If you are a student you absolutely need one. There are tons of LDS sites that you can spend "safe " time in. This one for sure and also LDS Journal. Start writing.

Stay away from video games such as Halo 3. Watch out for hyperlinks. K-9 will filter them out. One day I was trying to find a Boy Scout Merit Badge web site and instead I got a gay porn site for boys. The word boy was all the hyper link needed to connect me.

Judging from your post I think that you have the courage and the integrity to go on line and stay clean and clear of those "Arachnid" sites that will catch you in their web."
posted at 21:21:42 on October 5, 2010 by migail3
Joy    
"Well its been a week and things are going good! I have been praying and I even made a little gospel study desk in my room. I got my book "He Restoreth My Soul" in the mail, but I have not read to much yet but the parts I read made me think and I have a few questions.

So there was a part in the introduction that sound very close to myself, it talked about the alarming rate of bys who have an addiction and go and repent and "white knuckle" there way though 3 months then go on their mission only to return to the wicked world and fall back in there addiction. So my question is what is "white knuckling" Is it a bad thing or just part of the process?"
posted at 16:43:38 on October 11, 2010 by realguy
White Knuckling...    
"White knuckling just refers to those times when you are fighting the addiction on your own. You wind up using sheer will power to overcome temptation. The term comes from when you grip something so tight that your fingers/knuckles lose circulation and start turning white. Whatever the meaning/imagery it doesn't work.

The problem with white knuckling and fighting through our addictions on our own is that, we are imperfect and weak mortals, we were ourselves out, we get tired, we eventually give up. There are some people who have been able to fight their way through even a year or two of sobriety. But even with that much time behind you, if you haven't truly overcome this addiction and truly put it behind you, you will eventually fall again.

We have to recognize that white knuckling, fighting it out under our own power, is not the solution. We are powerless to overcome this. The only really complete way to win is through the atonement.

By the sounds of things, you're on the right path. Make sure you're using the 12-step manual too. That is basically a guide on how to win the fight by using the atonement to erase it, rather than fight it on our own.

Good luck RealGuy! We can do this! Christ is with us, and he CANNOT fail!"
posted at 17:12:11 on October 11, 2010 by paul
I second what Paul has said    
"...wish I had more time to share on this but keep reading realguy! The hope comes a little later in the book, if I remember correctly."
posted at 17:51:07 on October 11, 2010 by Anonymous
5 commandments of early recovery    
"#1 Pray in the morning (fall on your knees when you first get up, you never know what will happen on the way to the bathroom)
#2 Call someone in recovery, (you will find a person you can identify with in your 12 step group whom you will call daily, develop a relationship with and not just call them when you are in trouble) someone to be accountable to.
#3 Reading , (Scriptures, conference talks, and recovery material)
#4 go to meetings (as many as you can in the first 90 days of recovery)
#5 Pray again... (give thanks....)

Do the work! Receive the rewards!!! FREEDOM!"
posted at 17:54:37 on October 11, 2010 by byourownhero
thanks    
"Thank you for the input on "white knuckling" that is very helpful and makes a ton of since. I know that that’s how I have tried in the past...and it’s very hard! I’m still doing good though so far and I have to say...LIFE IS GREAT! Its feels so good to have hope! I can feel change and I love it.

So I would like to start doing the 12 steps, maybe I can start a blog for each step. I want to be done with this addiction forever, life is so so so much better when your doing good!

Its hard to explain but I feel like im doing something, like I wake up in the morning and I can smile and know I’m on the path.

I will keep you guys updated"
posted at 16:18:31 on October 13, 2010 by realguy
BE A PRISONER OF HOPE    
"HOPE IS STEP 2: Elder Maxwell, encouraged us to hold on to hope by, "not looking back, and refusing to let yesterday hold tomorrow hostage." Journaling is a great recovery tool. List daily at least 5 things you are grateful for.. At first, for me this was hard.... Darkness was prevailing over my Spirit and Soul..... As I followed the advice of my Stake Pres. to do this simple exercise I began to feel the spirit more, I became aware of the Lords "tender mercies", pray for the Lord to reveal to your mind those things you have not recognized. As I did this I became more aware of the Love I was receiving. This gave me more hope for peace, helped me to exercise faith, by the showing of confidence in my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost, by DOING those things He put in my pathway for recovery. Gratitude gives me a humble heart. When I am humble I have hope for peace and joy!!! You are being so REAL..... Keep being REAL!! Love and Prayers for you REALGUY"
posted at 17:49:12 on October 13, 2010 by byourownhero
I don't know if you want a female's perspective or not . . .    
"Does your girlfriend know about this? I'm sure your bishop has given you some advice but the first thing I'd say is to avoid being completely alone with her so you don't make other mistakes. Group date, go to church things for dates, etc. It's possible to be alone but in public for times you want to have private conversations face to face. Go to a park and sit on a park bench and talk. I doubt you would find yourself in a compromising situation because it's in public, but unless someone is physically close by, you have privacy. If she knows about this, tell her of your desire to overcome this addiction and not end up making other mistakes. Ask her to support you in the no being alone thing. If she doesn't support you and constantly pressures you to come to her place, etc to be alone, you may need to question her motives.
if she doesn't know, you will need to tell her at some point if you see this going somewhere. I would pray about when the right time will be. In my opinion, even if you are clean for a year or two, I think you should still tell her because this will still be a struggle for you and because she deserves your honesty.
I admire your desire to get the help you need and your enthusiasm. I pray that you will find peace and will be able to overcome this horrible addiction."
posted at 03:10:07 on October 15, 2010 by CLNGINTOHOPE
...    
"Well over the week end I messed up... It’s really hard for me to come back and even write on this blog... I found like a million excuses why not to, but i forced myself...I need this, I can’t think about my future because it seems hopeless that I can overcome this! I feel really bad guys. To tell the complete truth…I’m scared of myself…like I don’t know who I am. But I’m starting over, I won’t give up trying! I will keep praying and studding even more! The worst was last night my girlfriend was in a funk, so I was talking to her and she was just thinking about us and were we are going, you know marriage and stuff. IT SCARES ME SO BAD! I know I’m not ready for that right now…not with this addiction."
posted at 10:31:54 on October 18, 2010 by realguy
Praying for you.    
"Take it from a former relapse poster child. You can still make it. If you have a relapse, learn from it. Figure out where you got into trouble. When things are going good, build up strong fortifications where you are the weakest like Capt. Moroni did. He took advantage of the times of peace to prepare for the next invasion. There will always be another attempt at invasion. Satan never takes us off the list. Next time he comes to knock on that same door make sure he finds a ten foot concrete wall with razor wire on top of that bad boy. (A little joke from Tim Hawkins “Full Range of Motion”. You can video search “tim hawkins hedge of protection”). Don’t give up hope.

You asked about if you can ever get to where you can have full access to the internet. I would always try to find some way to filter things. You might get to where you don’t need them most of the time, but it is good to have a speed bump when you’re weak to hopefully make you slow down and think. I haven’t found a filter I can’t get around, but they are good to have. We can get to where we don’t think, feel or act like addicts, but we can never consider ourselves home free. We can never be “social drinkers” so to speak. I exercise a lot and have free access to a nice gym, but recently I decided I can’t go to the gym; too much to see there. Even if I am in a good place when I go in it has a tendency to pull me down a bit. I have a couple of filtering systems for my home internet access. At this point I don’t have much of a problem with temptation if I am working my program, I’m guessing it is about how it feels for a non-addict, but I’ve snuck back to the vomit too many times to ever feel safe. Here’s to being free from addiction, but ever vigilant.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t let this relapse cause you to give up! You are so much more than the lies Satan is probably feeding you now. “You’re worthless. God is disappointed in you and has given up on you ever making it. Even if the recovery program works for others, you’ll never get it right; you’re too big of a loser. You’re sins aren’t covered by the atonement (for whatever reason).” Those are just a few of the things he used to have me convinced of. They are all lies. Our Heavenly Father and Savior have disproved them all for me. They are ready, willing and able to do the same for you. They love you beyond anything you can imagine. I’ve been in recovery for ten years now and even with all my relapses, it has been a wonderful experience. I can’t even remember how hopeless and desperate I felt back then. Keep plugging at it. It does get better.

Love,
John"
posted at 11:22:51 on October 20, 2010 by justjohn
Realguy    
"John had some wonderful words of wisdom and encouragement, I hope you take them to heart and apply them.
Another Great resourse for recovery is, The Final Freedom, Dr. Dour Weiss, drdougweiss.com
He is amazing and many in our 12 steps have found this to be a valuable resoruse for recovery. The CD is convienent because you can download it on your computer and put it on your other media, I POD etc.., listen in your car...while on your run.....I hope you are exercising. Vital for early recovery. Keep at it, you will make it!"
posted at 12:30:25 on October 20, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO


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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987