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Had To Write
By they speak
9/29/2010 3:09:16 PM
(I wrote all this yesterday. It's long. Sorry. If you take the time to read thanks. But I understand if you don't.)

I know I don't know this all the time but right now I know God works in our life and He has power to make His will happen. If He intends to save us can He be stopped?

I hope this is organized enough to be comprehensible (for you crazy fools willing to read this book!). I’m just going to write as it comes.

Things started getting chaotic (this is on my computer so you know the speeelling will be impeccable and perfect) a few days ago. I have a pet peeve with being lost and losing things. Maybe that’s why I hate the fall ;) Sunday night I got lost twice trying to find a meeting. It seems like lately meetings have been hard to get to. At least and especially on time. And trying to do 90 in 90 that becomes a little frustrating. I’m at 23 since the 31 of august. They have been amazing and the Spirit of God has taught me and seems to, by degrees, be putting right my feelings and thoughts on a number of different subjects. I know He is guiding me. BUT lately (3 days in the life of an addict can sometimes seem like an eternity and the only one you've ever known) things seem to have been falling apart (perspective). I believe this has been impart a result of my approaching step 4...I don't think, and this is just my feeling, Satan wants me to get it done. He wants my sobriety to remain “shaky at best”

Anyway, Sunday night I declared to my wife that I didn't care what happened Monday I was going to 2 meetings and I was going to get my 1st step inventory out of the way. I've been trying for weeks and weeks and weeks to really buckle down and get my first step inventory done which is kind of like a beginning to step 1 2 3 and 4 and since I’m chompin at the bit to do step 4 as well I really was set on getting this thing done and going over it in my Monday night SA meeting (we don't do those in the lds meetings). I've been praying even for the grace of God to help me because I know I just can’t do it without Him. And for 3 weeks it just keeps getting put off and put off and put off like I seem to do with a lot of things.

Ever since I was small structure, discipline and focus has not been my strong suite. I could focus. God knows I can focus better than most people on things I care about. But it must remain structurless and require no discipline outside my own self imposed. This made school very hard. Increasingly I’m coming to believe that my step 4 is going to have a lot about school. I have a lot to get over. I can rarely talk about kindergarten thru 5th grade without getting emotional. I think losing my dad and my best friend/grandpa and grandma who stepped in (we lived with him) with in the first four years of life really primed me to be especially sensitive to the things that would happen to me K threw 12 with my teachers and such being an unruly well intentioned ADD social gad fly.

This ADD and such have carried on into adult hood in a major way! Not only that but now it carries with it the added resentment toward almost all things that seem structurally coercive (as I kind of eluded to in my post Remembering Who I Am addressing some of my feelings about filters)...and as you can imagine if your acquainted with the steps at all and the multitude of things required to recover...this creates quite a conundrum for my recovery. I am still a 6 year old trying to survive...trying to save myself.

On top of this I seem now to suffer from a sabotage complex. Sounds like psycho babble and I hate that but it’s true. My whole life I can show you the cycle of...almost success. Utter disastrous confounded failure! Just can't stand to be happy. Even if I could something will help me mess it up. From being in the top reading group or top math class to being the top sells men or becoming a botanist or a great stand up missionary or member who doesn't look at porn...the cycle has been; try hard...get stopped by something or yourself...get down...try again...fail...why try?..recapitulate.

Well that being said you can imagine how hard it has been for me to sit down for 2 seconds and start my inventory in the first place. To some of you it probly sounds stupid and easy. But it’s not to me. It’s a mountain.

And then when I called my wife 2 hours late after my first meeting Monday and heard "your helping me move at least 2 loads from your moms to our house" after all the hassle of just getting myself mentally ready to start over the last month on top of the feeling of chaos and impending doom...I lost it. Screw it... Why try right? Who cares that your one off the best readers in your first grade class you’re damned to the boring ass gum ball group to read "see spot run" with the other mental derelicts because you are a "talker"! And in typical consistant fashion you’re just not going to ever recover because you or Satan or your wife or some other thing stands in your way because you just can't...duh. You’re in the way. You won’t get it. Never have. Has it ever been otherwise??? Sweet, things go okay for a second and then BAM! Another fresh reminder of "wo wo wo wait a minute...you’re not trying to succeed are you Cody? Ha! Fool. Let’s review."

I went and helped move for the few hours I was prepared to write. Took a nap. And skipped my next meeting. Beat again. Full of a life of failed attempts. You’re quite a foe Mr. Devil.

Comments:

Had To Keep Writing. Ha!    
"I acted out later that night. I could feel a major relapse in the air. I had it in mind to do horrible things as soon as I could get my hand on a few hundred bucks. Maybe I'd lie and barrow some. Yeah I’m that worthless and miserable. And ill prove the world, Satan and myself right. I am a problem. Watch me consume.

This morning all I could think about was how I was going to get some extra money so I could go on a rampage. Sell some drugs? Steal some? I don't care. I’m mindless now. High jacked.

I wasn't going to keep going to meetings. I mean what in the sam hell makes me think that Satan and I are going to let me do ninety meetings in ninety days? Look! It’s already begun. There is no way. Plus PLUS what effing good has it done me anyway? Still acting out! And that’s just never going to be acceptable. Even people here post doubt that you’re serious about your salvation because you’re still obviously an idiot! Truth is they know nothing about your seriousness. As well might Cody stretch forth his puny arm to stop the Missouri river in its decreed course then to stop himself (by himself) from self destructing! Oh how seriously I’ve stretched forth my puny arm! Time and again. Taking things more serious will not turn the Missouri up stream! It never has. I've tried and tried and tried

I am the captain of inner conflict. An absolute compound in one. Ultimate opposition. I once heard a guy say something like "remember Lucifer has more influence over the minds of the children of men then everyone save the Son of God only". Nothing is truer for me. I am Dr. Jeckel...I am Mr. Hyde. The problem is not Hyde. It is Jeckel. He can't overcome...no matter how serious and dedicated and strong he is...alone, even the mighty Dr. is powerless.

...I want to be friends with God and man and...myself.

Anyway I ramble. This morning I wasn't thinking of much more then my plans for death hell and the grave. I decided to go to a meeting. It's just too easy. I woke up just in time.

I felt the Spirit as soon as I walked in the room and especially when people started talking. I was home. I was safe.

As the facilitator was talking about inventory and step 4 and how businesses have to take meticulous inventory and how we must do the same my mind kept, for whatever reason, reverting back to school. All the progress reports and scholastic inventories and endless disappointments.

I thought "is this why it’s so hard to focus? to look in the mirror? Why do I feel so uncomfortable? What is causing my pain?"

When it came to me I spoke of my ADD and failure complex and school experience and how angry I was yesterday and my intentions today. And how I thought it was ironic that all these things that were coming out where probly going to be a big part of what needs to be addressed in my step 4. "you do not have to be what you have been" stands in such faithful shining contrast to my history...and ironically is part of step 4 and what Im trying to get at and what I was so frustrated with yesterday.

Well Sister (anonymous missionary) asked me to come talk to her after the meeting. I get emotional even now as I write. Sometimes God just puts people in your life I guess. It’s not even what she said as much as who she is I suppose. I remind her of her son that died of a drug over dose. Sometimes you’re just connected to certain people. She reminds me of my mom. She told us of reading his journal after he died and how he would go through the same thing I had described about the day previous and then just say "screw it" and go use. She talked to me about her older son going through the same things with his "smiley faces and frowney faces" for progress reports (inventories) that I had described as a child and how hard it was for him with learning disabilities like dyslexia and how he uses now to sav the pain and calm himself. It was funny I started getting emotional before she even started to talk because I knew what she was going to talk about. In the end her message was mainly don't let Satan win. She said "the difference is you’re not going to die (in reference to her son) and you’re going to get through this because you have a family".

I went straight, not do to any strength or renewed commitment of my own but threw the grace of God, to the library and wrote 6 pages of my 1st step inventory over four hours before I had to go pick up my wife.

I’m sure if I tried maybe I could think of some but no better testimony to me exists in my mind then that God is faithful. It was a witness to me that even if we have bad days God can pull threw. I’m not sure I've ever believed that. I know a lot of us have to wait more than one whole day like me...but then again... I’ve been waiting 23 of my 29 years.

Here's where it gets funny. So I just get done telling my wife this awesome story and drop her off at some church thing so I can head to another meeting...and wouldn't you know it… Already a little late I get pulled over!!! Ha! I was angry like normal. Thinkin “why?” But as I reached back to get my back pack where my wallet was for the police officer a flash came through my mind and I had to smirk "you can't beat God". He may be able to beat me silly but Satan’s tricks are wiley and petty...and God is faithful and mighty to save. 3 cheers!"
posted at 15:10:41 on September 29, 2010 by they speak
Hip Hip Hooray!!    
"You blog reminded me of recent read: "Melody Beattie, Journey to the Heart.
Your Healers Will Come to You,
"The people, the ideas, the resources you need to heal will come. They'll appear on your path. Sometimes you'll think it's almost magical. Sometime you'll resist, saying, THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. IT'S TOO EASY. But your healers will come when you need them, when you're ready. You can trust the universe to send healers to you, but also trust yourself. Some of the healers and resources you encounter may not be right for you. Trust yourself to know what 's right. And remember healers arn't your source of power; they merely assist you in claiming your power. They come to help, to bring their gifts to you so that you can find yours.

Just as you healers will com to you, the people you are to bring healing to will appear on your path when it's time, when it's right. Trust yourself to make decisions regarding those with whom you share your gifts. Your heart will guide you if you listen.

Let yourself receive the healing you need. Let yourself share your healing gifts with others. Find the balance that's right for you. Trust yourself and the wisdom of your body, mind, and heart about what feels right. who feels right, and when it works for you.

Learn to "Freeze" negative energy, unwanted energy that comes to us from others. Tell it to stop,"freeze", and refuse to take it in and make it ours.

People are energy. Thoughts are energy. Part of loving ourselves is not ingesting toxins. Negative energy is toxic. Don't stress others out by sending negative energy to them. Learn to tell when negative energy is stressing you, and then learn to tell it to freeze."

Yours is this lesson in action!! Hip Hip Hooray, speak!!"
posted at 16:02:36 on September 29, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
I love you man    
"Hey Cody,

I don't have any advice. I just know that writing helps. Keep writing. Your stories trigger a lot of my own memories and attitudes from my past. Your blog today brought me out of the depths of a dangerous place. God placed you in my path to help my mind break out of suicidal thoughts. Don't worry. I'm ok. I have therapy tonight at 7. I know I can make it till then, and after that, I know it will all be good."
posted at 16:43:12 on September 29, 2010 by lawrence
Thanks, They Speak    
"Loved the read again, Bro. Keep fighting! We'll keep praying. It's so exciting that you stifled this stretch of acting out.

Did I miss the episode where you told your wife about everything?"
posted at 20:06:43 on September 29, 2010 by BeClean
Hang In There!    
"Coming off a bit of a binge myself, I could relate to some of your story. It is so easy for Satan to get our minds all turned around, and it can be so hard to get it turned back around. Congratulations on getting back on the right path so quickly. I don't doubt that you're serious about your salvation. I don't think that struggling with staying on course means you're not serious. My friends remind me that if I didn't care I wouldn't be struggling to stay on course, I would just go live in my addiction. My counselor tells me that the slips don't say as much about your recovery as your response to them does. Keep trying!"
posted at 13:52:55 on September 30, 2010 by dstanley
Cody,    
"These are just my opinions so take them for what they're worth. Being an addict trying to recover is difficult. Being an addict with ADD, bipoloar disorder, same-sex attraction, or any emotional diagnosis AND being in recovery is nothing less than heroic. It is hard for us run-of-the-mill addicts but it is a lot harder for our brothers and sisters with these added obstacles..

That being said, What I am about to say is probably going to be completely objected to but it is my honest assessment that comes from experience and not just a random theory. If you were my sponsee, I would tell you to do all the usual "actions" that must be done to recover,ie. going to a lot of meetings, calling me everyday, working the first 3 steps every single day, yada yada yada. Now if you are doing those things...you have done your part to surrender. You've held up your end of the bargain. If Heavenly Father, in His infinite wisdom, blesses you with the grace to stay clean today, wonderful. But, if after doing all those things, you still find yourself in the pits of obssession and unbearable tempation and eventually cave in...that is on Heavenly Father-not you. You have done your part in surrendering, now we have to wait on Hs timing in removing this disease that snatches away our will to refrain..Some of us do all the right things and find ourselves falling again and again. There's a reason for it that we don't always see and it isn't necessarily our fault at this point. It is really God in the process of performing His miracle in us from the inside out, stripping away our dangerous pride and replacing it with quiet himility. The miracle WILL happen for you! Maybe not yesterday or today, but maybe tomorrow.

To put a long story short (too late!) Once we're on this recovery path, and still fall. view it as a stepping stone and a blessing more than a personal failure. Of course, repent. But don't use it as a sledge hammer to hit yourself over the head with and give up because that's what the other dude wants us to do.

Step One can be pretty easy. Take your life in 5 year increments and write about those each increment, especially as it pertains to the addiction. Mine turned out more like a novel but my sponsor didn't care. Together we were able to extract a pattern of powerlessness and unmanageability that had plagued me for too long. It was a springboard for the 4th step that came later. Good luck, brother."
posted at 15:47:35 on September 30, 2010 by Anonymous


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"Freedom from your transgression will come through sincere faith, true repentance, willing obedience, and the giving of self. Why the giving of self? Because selfishness is at the root of your problem. Where selfishness and transgression flourish, the Spirit of the Lord can’t enter your life to bless you. To succeed, you must conquer your selfishness. When your beacon is focused on self, it does little more than blind your vision. When turned outward through acts of kindness and love, it will light your path to happiness and peace. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990