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Dear Crushed, Intimacy Anorexia!!
By BYOUROWNHERO
9/29/2010 2:29:14 PM
I have dealt with many of the same issues discussed in your blog. There is HOPE! Please read the definition of this condition below. The difference between Sexual Anorexia and Intimacy Anorexia is that the Sexual Anorexic has more difficulty giving their Sexuality to their spouse and the Intimacy Anorexic has more difficulty with the emotional and spiritual intimacy.

My Husband scored 100% on the characteristicsd of Sexual and Intimacy Anorexia. Even though many of the charecteristics are minimized or eliminated with recovery this issue is a huge Elepahant in our relationship. It is so hard for me to Heal when he is still exhibiting even one or two of those characteristics. Several of the Sisters who are in my PASAG for spouses groups identify with this same condition. It is real and it is very painful.

From: Partners, Healing from His Addeiction, Dr. Doug Weiss


Sexual Anorexia
In a journal article I wrote called Sexual Anorexia:
A new paradigm for hyposexual disorder, I surveyed three
groups of people for sexual anorexia. The results of this
survey are:
29% of male sex addicts are sexually anorexic
39% of female sex addicts are sexually anorexic
39% of partners are sexually anorexic
This study completed in 1998, helped the clinical
community identify the prevalence of sexual anorexia in the
three groups addressed. As a partner of a sex addict you
need to be informed about sexual anorexia. The anorexia
piece of sexual addiction can be more difficult for the addict
and the partner to recover from.
In brief, sexual anorexia occurs when the addict
actively is acting "in," within the relationship. He withholds
spiritual intimacy, emotional intimacy, and sexual intimacy
from his partner. He would much rather be with himself
sexually than with her. If you characterize your relationship
as feeling like you are "roommates" you may be living with
a sexual anorexic.
In our study, we asked partners to fill in the criteria
for sexual anorexia for their husbands during his addiction,
as well as in recovery. We also asked them to identify these
characteristics for themselves. In the study, the partners
were not told that this was the criteria for sexual anorexia,they simply answered the questions as listed.
Has your sex addict displayed these behaviors during your
relationship while he was active in his addiction?
76% Withholding love from you
72% Withholding praise or appreciation from you
73% Controlling by silence or anger
58% Ongoing or ungrounded criticism of you
causing isolation
62% Withholding sex from you
86% Unwillingness to discuss his feelings with
you
81% Staying so busy, he has no relational time for
you
85% Making issues/problems in the relationship
about you instead of owning his own issues
52% Controlling or shaming you with money
issues
Here we can see that many partners feel that they
are definitely living with a full blown sexual anorexic. The
aloneness and neglect that goes with this part of the addiction
is very painful. The good news is, that in recovery from
sexual addiction, there was improvement in this area; still,
close to one-third of the sex addicted husbands or men
remain full-blown sexually anorexic. This leaves much work
for the couple that needs to recover from sexual anorexia,
as well as sexual addiction.
Has your addict displayed these behaviors during
your relationship while in his recovery?28% Withholding love from you
32% Withholding praise or appreciation from you
35% Controlling by silence or anger
25% Ongoing, or ungrounded, criticism of you
causing isolation
33% Withholding sex from you
39% Unwillingness to discuss his feelings with
you
42% Staying so busy he has no relational time for
you
39% Making issues/problems in the relationship
about you instead of owning his own issues
25% Controlling, or shaming, you with money
issues
As you can see, sexual addiction recovery can make
dramatic changes in the addict. Yet, approximately one-third
of the men are still struggling with sexual anorexia.
I asked the partners in our study this time to respond
personally to the same criteria for sexual anorexia during his
active addiction. Then I asked them to respond personally
to the same criteria for sexual anorexia while in recovery.
Have you displayed these behaviors during your relationship
while he was active in his addiction?
39% Withholding love from him
39% Withholding praise or appreciation from him
52% Controlling by silence or anger
35% Ongoing, or ungrounded, criticism of him,
causing isolation
34% Withholding sex from him
34% Unwillingness to discuss your feelings with36% Staying so busy you have no relational time
for him
34% Making issues/problems in the relationship
about him, instead of owning your own
issues
21% Controlling or shaming you with money
issues
Have you displayed these behaviors during your relationship
during recovery?
18% Withholding love from him
25% Withholding praise or appreciation from him
25% Controlling by silence or anger
20% Ongoing or ungrounded criticism of him,
causing isolation
25% Withholding sex from him
18% Unwillingness to discuss your feelings with
him
18% Staying so busy you have no relational time
for him
22% Making issues/problems in the relationship
about him instead of owning your own issues
05% Controlling or shaming him with money
issues
I think there is enough evidence to support that,
although some couples naturally clear up from symptoms of
sexual anorexia, there are still approximately 30% of the
addicts and 20% of the partners in recovery, that still
struggle with sexual anorexia. These couples would do well
to address this issue as soon as possible.

Sexual issues vary in range and intensity. As a
couple evolves in recovery, they will often address these
various sexual issues. Many of these issues, and more, are
covered in the Partners Recovery Guide.
Sex can become a beautiful thing for the couple who
does the work. If you both work on it together, sex can
become beautiful again. I have counseled with many couples
who, after addressing their sexual issues, state "This is the
best sex of our lives." Often it is because both people in the
relationship can now be intimate and sexual together,
without guilt.

Comments:

More on Anorexia    
"Dr. Doug feels so strong about this condition that he recommends a separate 12 step group and sponsor to deal with this condition. I have not been able to pioneer that one yet, although it needs to be addressed.

You are not CRAZY, or alone. Your Husband can learn and change if he wants to. He will have to if he wants a celestial marriage. I for one am holding out the the nurturing, caring, loving, cherishing, celestial Marriage I know I deserve. Let's face it. We take all our characteristics with us.....I will not live in this type of a marriage for eternity. We have a great opportunity here to get things turned round right. When we know better we do better. That goes for the Guys too. Hope this helps!! You can have the Marriage you deserve. He can change with the right information and help.
Dr. Weiss has 3 new resources dealing with this condition:
Intimacy Anorexia, the Workbook,
" " , the DVD
" " , the Book, (just released), I have not read that one yet.
Married and Alone, the DVD, When I watched that one I just sat there and thought OMG this is my life. Not now, I am not going to live that life anymore. You do not have to either. There is help and healing.
I am not trying to give a sales pitch for his stuff. It is just what I found that helped me. I hope it will help you.
sexaddict.com This is Dr. Weiss's site."
posted at 15:22:23 on September 29, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Things To Ponder    
"Thank You For Posting These Things. I am reminded of the Prophet Moroni's admonition: "And when ye shall receive these things and ponder them in your heart...." Your post certainly requires that and RIGHTLY SO!!!! I have found that many in the early stages of recover are very inpatient and have a hard time reading posts like yours. Remember, their brains have been programed to visual stimuli w/ their resultant consequences. When I have posted a whole chapter from the Book of Mormon that deals with Recovery, they have a hard time reading it. A whole chapter? Within seconds their minds wander off.

Now, back to your post. I read every word and it has caused me serious reflection about my own recovery. Imagine that you are a stream. A stream that was once polluted and muddy. After recovery the stream is running clear and has a shimmer to it. That is how I have viewed myself, as a clear running stream. After reading and pondering your post I have realized that there is some sediment on the stream bed that when stirred up makes the water all muddy again.
I really need to delve into Dr. Weiss's site and get his materials. Everyone of those questions were like the whirling blade of an outboard motor stirring up all the muck and sediment that lay dormant on my stream bed.

http://www.sexaddict.com/"
posted at 08:17:48 on October 2, 2010 by migail3
I will definetely look these up!!!!    
"There is so much I see of intimacy anorexia in my husband and some even in myself (as a reaction of his), I'm definetely going to look these material up. Thanks again for putting me on the right track!! You bring so much light!!!!I am grateful, so grateful...
crushed"
posted at 18:31:01 on October 3, 2010 by crushed
help!    
"My husband I met in high school and were together 7 years before we got married. We were both virgins when we got married. for 2 1/2 years my husband refused to have sex with me. it has been a month since our divorce and we are both still virgins. He left me when i sugested couples counseling for the 3rd time in our marriage saying he was just done. After the divorce I found out about sexual anorexea on a telovision program I was watching and fond the online test my hubsnd got a 100%. This is the only thing i have found that is similar to what hapened in our marriage. Is it possible in aperson who has never had sex before? This whoe experince has been very painful and I am still recovering from the hear break and neglect. Ive had some counseling since we broke up but since i only found out about this issue not to long a go have not been able tobring it up even then im not shure if they will know much about the topic. any one has any info on recovering from this kink of thing i would be interested."
posted at 03:18:02 on January 18, 2011 by Anonymous
Anon    
"There are 2 versions to the anorexia I have a serious problem with intimacy anorexia. There si however sexual anorexia but I think they are similar as you as the loved one comes out second best all the time.

Get your hands on a DVD called married and alone, it is a great source for understanding what has happened to you as a spouse of an anorexic. I listened to it with my wife and I definately can relate a bit better to what I have caused her in the form of withholding love from her. It is an addiction to withhold love, in my case that is. This is my way of staying on top of things, keeping control over my feelings and ensuring life is not painful. That is the dumbest thing to do by the way, it hurts and destroys my wife and I am really working the 12 steps hard now to kick this stupid habit. This all to say that it is not your fault, it is the anorexic's problem, you must just find out what it all means for you and really do some reading to figure out how this has affected you as an individual.

My wife has been dramatically affected, to the point that she does not love me anymore and she feels better off without me. She in reality has taken on some of the intimacy anorexic behaviours to protect herself.

I am sorry this has happened but there is hope in learning about all this stuff."
posted at 07:36:03 on January 18, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Have you ever got the love back?    
"This is a very new and interesting topic for me. When I read BYOUROWNHERO's description of sexual anorexia I noted that my ex-husband has everyone of those characteristics. I left that marriage a very different person than I was when I began it.
I married a s~x addict again (unknowingly both times, of course). My second husband is in recovery (14 months sober). When I looked at the list and thought about my current marriage, I could see that I have about half of the characteristics myself. I withhold love and compliments to my husband, for instance. I am not in love with him. I don't know if I am making excuses or what but I fell out of love years ago based on his annoying addict behavior (although, I had no idea that's what it was). I feel like I was just ruined by him (and my ex). I used to be a loving, fun, happy girl. Now I don't really trust men. I hardly like them.

I appreciate this post because it is causing me to reflect on my behaviors more. But, how normal is this? I mean, I withhold love from my husband because I don't feel in love. I do get a chuckle out of him every time I tell him "I love you in God's way." He thinks it sounds like something I could say to Hitler or something. :0)

I have been wondering... I see many women who feel a lot of love for their addicted husbands. They want to show that love and save their husbands. That is not me and I know there are other women who have felt out of love. I have wondered if the women who have lost that in love feeling ever successfully get it back?? My husband is trying so hard to "win" me. I don't think he will ever be able to do it because I can't see my feelings changing."
posted at 11:09:25 on January 18, 2011 by katie
not necessarily true, but...    
"The following is from an article (Healing for Wives Who've Been Hurt From Adultery or Porn Addiction)at http://www.blazinggrace.org/healingforwives.htm />
It’s not an accident that you married a man who’s fallen into sex addiction. Most wives [of sex addicts] were neglected or abused by their fathers growing up, and they married a man who mirrored their father emotionally. Some women marry their husbands with a hidden motive of resolving their childhood hurts – meaning that “fixing” their husband and/or creating “the perfect marriage and home” might resolve their father wounds. You can’t fix him, and even if you could it wouldn’t resolve the hurt in your heart.

When a husband’s betrayal is revealed, it can exacerbate any unresolved father wounds in your heart, and you may find yourself slipping into deep depression – or having problems with uncontrollable anger over situations unrelated to the adultery [or porn addiction].

Some of this, of course, would be a natural reaction to what your husband has done, but it may be that his betrayal has also tapped into old wounds that need to be resolved. If you don’t face your father wound issues it can keep you stuck in a cycle of bitterness and depression - and the marriage along with it. How to deal with father wounds is discussed in Healing Father Wounds[
http://www.blazinggrace.org/cms/bg/healingfatherwounds ]. Although this article is written from a man’s point of view, the principles shown for how to deal with it apply to women too."
posted at 12:03:15 on January 18, 2011 by lawrence
Do you want your feelings to change? Do you want to love your husband?    
"When my wife and I were first married we took an institute class about marriage. I remember one night when the instructor went over Alma 32. In that chapter the Zoramites that even if they only want to believe, that is enough to build faith.

Our instructor (previously a mission president) went through the chapter, replacing all of the instances where it talks of building faith with words about building love.

Alma 32:27 - But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe (love), let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

28 - ...if ye give place, that a seed (of love) may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, ... , ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, ... , yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.

Healing is entirely possible. Christ suffered pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind just so that we could heal from the injuries we have sustained. A marriage may feel dead, but Christ has overcome death. When repentance is sincere and both spouses work toward recovery weak things can be made strong.

Katie, I for one am truly sorry for all the pain caused to you and all of our dear wives. Most of us got involved and addicted with this filth long before we even really knew what it was, let alone how destructive it is. It isn't fair that both spouses have to work to overcome the mistakes of one. None of you deserve the pain caused to you.

I recognize that I am in no position to offer advice in healing and I don't mean to. I simply wanted to share my belief, my faith, that healing is possible, love can return."
posted at 12:05:31 on January 18, 2011 by paul
I feel exactly like you Katie    
"and I feel Guilty for it. But I am not in love and have not been in love with him for a long time. I worked so much to try to rekindle the flamme but it is not working. Now I feel I am still there for the kids and because of my religious beliefs but not out of my own free will. I try to love him like God 's children but I can not love him like a women loves a man. I feel that part of me is dead for him or any other man. I avoid physical contact as much as I use to crave it in the past now. I just feel so uncomfortable. The feelings have died inside my heart. I just lack the motivation to work on this relationship, I have lost all desire and all motivation and long time ago. Even if he changed and became the best man on the planet, I am just not interested in him anymore.....That is how I feel, I want to forgive but I do not even believe that forgiving him means that I will want a relationship of love with him. I am doing my steps and feel so much stronger but still not in love with him thou. The best I can do now, is be a friend and have compassion on his journey but I am not interested other than that

crushed"
posted at 12:27:09 on January 18, 2011 by Anonymous
Thanks, everyone!    
"Thank you for your comments. Lawrence, I don't know about Daddy issues. I don't carry a lot of pain or resentment over the relationship I have with my Dad? Although, I acknowledge it isn't the closest relationship, but it isn't really bad either? I wasn't abused or anything like that... hmmm...

Paul, I like what you said about desiring to love. I just have to figure out if I even have a desire at all.

Crushed, I love hearing from you! I feel like you get me!
I think my husband really wants to have a happy marriage with me. The day he revealed his addiction to me, I revealed my secret --- I didn't love him. He says he was devastated and that he wants to become someone I can fall in love with.
He has been clean for 14 months. He has been nice and helpful around the house in ways he NEVER was before. He tries to be romantic and all that. I really think it doesn't matter what he does because I still feel repulsed. I can not forget what I learned about him and his addiction. I can not forget what he has done. I don't want to be intimate with a man like that. I don't want to associate with someone like that. And it doesn't even seem to matter that he has changed. I feel uncomfortable when he touches me. I even still feel a bit used after s~x but for some reason I keep doing my duty anyway. It took months of being sober before I felt like we could be friends. Now I think of him as a true friend. But not a beloved eternal companion. I still sort-of hope for a new husband in the next life, but I think less about it than I did when this all came out. I don't dream of some amazing eternal marriage. In fact, eternity with him, sounds long and dull, and I am not happy about it. I have always tried not to think about it. But I do want an eternal marriage. I do hope to be exalted someday.

So, I feel like I am stuck because I don't even want to love THIS particular man. I am too repulsed by who has been and too broken by what he has done to me.

Paul suggestion was really good. But I am not even convinced that I should want to love this man."
posted at 13:05:15 on January 18, 2011 by katie
guilt    
"Oh, Crushed ---- And the guilt!
I know the guilt over all of it! I am there too!"
posted at 13:07:56 on January 18, 2011 by katie
Ouch Ladies    
"That is some brutal honesty.

I feel it because I am experiencing the effects of that honesty.

Well nough said from me on this subject, hope you all find healing.

Nah one last thing to say:

IT FREAKING HURTS FOR THOSE OF US THAT ARE DOING WHAT WE CAN TO SHARE WHAT LOVE WE HAVE AND BE REJECTED AGAIN AND AGAIN BY YOU. WE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE AND WHEN WE THOUGHT WE DID, WE WERE GUM STRUCK EXPERIENCING EUPHORIA AT LEVELS BEYOND OUR UNDERSTANDING. YES WE WERE IN LOVE AT LEAST I WAS.

But the euphoria died off as reality closed in and real hard earned love was a commodity we hardly had in our possession. I was practically running on empty and borrowing what little my wife had left to keep the marriage alive. Now she is empty, bone dry and obviously she is not the only one.

What now ladies, do we give up???

What the hell do you want us to do?? Disappear???

Work our tails off doing things differently???

Rejection hurts and yes as my wife so powerfully states every time, well you rejected me.

Just getting some feelings out.

Thats all for me on this."
posted at 13:21:15 on January 18, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Daddy issues??    
"Lawrence, at first I dismissed your thoughts about me having Daddy issues. But I have thought a bit more about it. Maybe I do? Like I said, my dad wasn't mean or abusive. He is actually quite nice. But we were never close. He has aspergers and so he really can't be emotionally close to anyone. I just accept that about him. I have always accepted it but I was still missing something growing up. My dad was fun loving and non-judgmental. But I never trusted him to protect me.

One of (many) of my resentments towards my husband include my anger that he hasn't protected me or my children. I feel like bringing p~rn into our home, was attacking our home, me and my kids. It brings in evil spirits. I feel angry that he didn't protect our family as a unit or as individuals.

Maybe part of my healing will include dealing with my dad and all the men who have hurt me? I realize now that I ran from all of my boyfriends as soon as I perceived any possible hint of what might be rejection. A couple of them I was totally crazy in love with too. I just figured I better break up with him now, no matter how much it killed me, than to risk possible future hurt."
posted at 13:22:18 on January 18, 2011 by katie
Oh, Ruggaexpat!    
"Ruggaexpat, I have read some of your posts before. I have often thought that you sound like my husband. I have felt sympathy for you and have hoped that your husband could love you. All the while, I can't seem to love my husband. You wife does sound like me, right down to the, "Well, you rejected me" line. I have said the exact same thing to my husband.

You ask a great question, "What do we want you to do?"

I don't know. I don't want my husband to disappear, although that would have been a relief about a year ago when I was in the middle of my deepest despair and pain at hubby's disclosure. But now after some time, I don't want him to disappear. I don't think there is anything he could do more. Really, my husband goes Way out of his way now to serve and please me. For instance, last week he came home on his lunch break to fold laundry but we don't live that close to his office. So he only had about 10 minutes to fold and no time to eat. It was a little ridiculous. My daughter and I made him a sandwich for the car. He clings on to this act of kindness like it will get him through another month (like you did with the Tylenol!).

I couldn't tell my husband this... but I really don't want him to give up. Even though I feel like I have no love left to give, I kind-of do want him to keep trying. I guess I feel like if he gives up too, the home my kids grow up in will be completely useless.

Yeah, Rugga, the honesty is brutal, huh?! I secretly didn't like or love my husband for so many years but I wouldn't tell him because that was just mean! I didn't want to be mean. But when I found out that he was addicted to cheating on me, then I gave myself permission to be cruelly honest, I guess."
posted at 13:34:28 on January 18, 2011 by katie
oops    
"Sorry, I hope that your WIFE could love you... not husband. :)"
posted at 13:35:14 on January 18, 2011 by katie
Don't get me started now Katie    
"You husband has serious issues to do all that in the face of rejection - MAN TRUST ME HE LOVES YOU BIG TIME. I have the potential to write until tomorrow morning no stop but I have to respond and tell you how I feel, I bet your hubby feels 100% exactly the same way.

If you don't want him to disappear now, but you don't want to love him, that is the toughest and most vulnerable position to be in. In effect he is doing the hardest thing a man can do, not give up on a girl that wants nothing to do with him. That is so hard to do KATIE, it puts us in the line of fire all day and night long, we know we will be hit hard, we know what can happen but yet that will not stop us from showing you this time it is different.

I mean it, it is dreadful to even think about it. TRUST ME, BASED ON ALL YOU WROTE ABOVE, THIS GUY IS THE REAL DEAL AND WILL GIVE HIS LIFE UP TO BE LOVED ONE MORE DAY BY YOU."
posted at 13:49:07 on January 18, 2011 by ruggaexpat
By the way    
"Katie,

thanks for sharing"
posted at 13:53:03 on January 18, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Missing the third leg....    
"This is where I believe we miss all the healing that we deserve. The couple! How does the couple heal? He goes to his 12 steps and she goes to her 12 steps. What about the couple?
"Couples who do well
(1) have made their individual recovery a first priority,
(2) both connect with others through attending 12-step meetings,
(3) usually have individual as well as couple counseling to identify systems that do not work,
(4) accept that couple recovery is a challenging and evolving process,
(5) read books about recovery,
(6) are both willing to grow spiritually,
(7) have a strong respect for and commitment toward each other."

All of this is such a process. It is easy to throw up our hands and say," that's it".
Or are we just punishing each other. I personally hate that I have to do all this work on my own recovery. I though I was pretty good before. But the reality is, that as a couple,we were in a terrible plane wreck! Crashed big time! Now we both have to recover. I am responsible for my recovery just as my husband is responsible for his. I guess if I want to keep all my scars and not seek out a good plastic surgeon that is my choice. Or if I want to keep walking on crutches or using a wheelchair rather than go to physical therapy that is my choice. Dang that agency!

Yes many women who have lived or are living with a SA learn or exhibit Anorexic behaviors. This is another part of our recovery process and something that we will have to do the work on. I will have to read the book and do the work and understand why I cannot love or trust my husband. Is his behavior exhibiting someone I should trust? If not then he still needs to do some more work. Am I choosing not to give him the intimacy he deserves. Then I am wrong, dead wrong, it is extremely painful to withhold intimacy, no matter how justified we believe we are. If you honestly do not love then maybe your should prayerfully consider a separation in order to let your emotions settle and clear your head. Or are you withholding love in order to punish him or protect yourself. There is a great chart in the Spouses recovery book, Step 6. Take a look at that chart.
Get the books on Sexual and Intimacy Anorexia and do the work to help you heal. All that has been discussed here is absolute truth, all the feelings are real and valid. I guess the question is do we want to get better?

Thank you for your comments, I needed to do this exercise for myself today. "
posted at 18:53:30 on January 18, 2011 by hero
HERO I will post something on that post I wrote recently.    
"Thanks for your posting, it is helpful all the time."
posted at 19:30:48 on January 18, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Agreed    
"Agreed about the separation. At least! It blows my mind why anyone would choose to stay married to a room mate that they clearly despise. Unless "I don't want to be associated with someone like that." etc means something else.

...i also think its almost preposterous to consider an eternal marriage in that context. Am I wrong in thinking get a divorce and work on something with eternal potential...that is if things like romance, love, happyness, etc are even necessary in this life in order to enjoy them fully in the next? Cause based on what I'm hearing and my idea of the the gospel (so basically a meaningless opinion) you aren't gonna get it with someone you tolerate at best. At least I don't imagine eternal joy as hanging at the tree of life sharing a white apple with someone that makes me feel "meh" and maybe a little resentful. And I don't see what warrants one to expect/think/day dream/hope that "that same sociality which exists among us here will [be much different there]" (D&C 130:2).

However, I can't help but wonder...inspite of all the understandable possibly excusable (?) lack of feeling - is there really no love? No potential for romantic love? Why in the hell would you not want him to give up? There's your seed if you ask me.

p.s. I don't think you should feel guilty. Your feelings are valid and nothing to feel guilty about. You'll never be guilted, or forced, into loving your husband again that's for sure. Good luck ladies. "
posted at 22:57:56 on January 18, 2011 by They Speak
Divorce    
"Well, I wanted a divorce when this all first came out. BUT --- I have the age old problem -- KIDS! I have three young kids who would be traumatized if their mom and dad separated. Yep, I am totally depressed and angry at times at what has happened to my once good life. But, I am not the only one who matters here. The very thing that stopped me from leaving my husband a year ago was when I pictured the moment where I tell my kids that Daddy isn't going to live with us anymore. They would be devastated! I can't do that to them. In addition, there is the financial trouble that comes along with it. Right now I am a stay at home mom. I'd have to get a job. My kids would end up in day care. I was still nursing my baby a year ago. I couldn't have left him. This is an old but very valid reason women have stayed with men since the beginning of time. I know my children are better off with us together. I also believe that Heavenly Father isn't going to give me some time limit. Like get divorced now and find a new husband or you don't get an eternal companion. He knows how tied down financially moms are. Now, I will leave my husband if I find that he has gone back to p~rn. Then I will decide that p~rn and evil spirits in the home is harmful to my kids in a different way than divorce is.

They Speak, you ask a good question, one I've asked myself when I am being honest with myself. Why don't I want him to give up?? I also wondered at first why I went to group meetings or why do I come on here if I don't care? Until about 2 weeks ago, when I found the women's manual on here, I didn't even know that I needed to heal. I figured this was my husband's problem to fix. Now I see that I have been traumatized and I need healing."
posted at 07:15:52 on January 19, 2011 by katie
Dear Hero    
"Thank you for your comments. I just read Step 6, as you suggested. I have never read it. I have read the introduction and Step 1. One thing that stood out to me in Step 6 is "Please do not let your past be an excuse to not have a bright future." It was kind of like an echo. I can hear my husband saying, "You can be happy. We can be happy." I am usually a bit annoyed when he says it, even if he is right. :)

Another thing that stood out was, "All we have to give is our willingness and believe in God's promise, 'A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you; and i will ake away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh." (Ezek 36:26). God's promise is I will give... I will put... and I will take away. The key is to let Him.

I may need a new heart but I am afraid to let my husband back in my heart. I do not trust him with it. And even if I could trust him with it, I don't think I can love him. I do love him like a brother/neighbor, but the romantic love just seems out of reach.

In October 2009 General Conference, President Eyering said, "First, I give counsel to husbands and wives. Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion."

When I heard this, I decided I needed to do it. I began that day praying that I would be able to love my husband. I prayed that I would be able to see his strengths and be able to ignore his weaknesses. (As opposed to seeing him as the immature teen, I always felt I was taking care of).

About six weeks later, the hubster confessed to his priesthood leader and then to me about his terrible double life. This totally explained why I couldn't love him, why he acted so immature. (He had been stunting his emotional growth since was 13). I told husband about that conference talk and how I prayed to love him and like him but it didn't work. He then thanks me for these prayers, sure that they were an aid in finally helping him to come clean.

Anyway, Hero, maybe I do need to get a new heart, but I am afraid to do that. And I can't work on getting a new one, when I am not convinced that it is a good idea for me to have a deep relationship with my husband. When other women do it, I figure they are the ones who never lost love in the first place. There are many women who love and stand by their man through all of this. That was me with my first husband. He treated me horrible but for some reason I loved him still. I wanted to rescue him with my undying love. So I can relate to those women. I figure those are the ones who make it. Do the ones who have lost love ever get it back? I also figure, my husband was probably worse than most in his addiction. My husband went to st~p clubs. No one else's has done that. They just look at the stuff at home... I don't mean "just." Hubster did plenty of that too and I hate it. So is it real that my husband is the worst? Or is it Satan who wants me to believe that?"
posted at 07:54:04 on January 19, 2011 by katie
Satan's goals... Satan's whole purpose    
"Katie, I have to agree with what Rugga has already said. Your husband loves you. He probably always has, but has himself spent the last 14 months coming to a realization of exactly how much he loves you and how blind and short-sighted he was before that. Without a doubt he loves your children too. I would be willing to bet that the entire reason for his confession was to try and make things right between the two of you, and hopefully build the type of family that can earn eternal glory.

From that perspective his change of heart and his new sobriety are definitely steps in the right direction. The problem is, that is the opposite of what Satan wants. He wants your family to split up. He wants to cause as much misery and pain as he possibly can. Your husband has made himself a harder target for Satan than he used to be, and that has forced a change of tactics. He is now focused on you. It isn't fair. You didn't open the door to this, but Satan is not interested in what is fair. He seeks to cause misery and pain at any chance. Your husband is definitely NOT the worst man out there. Others have done worse. Some have done less and never repented or even started repenting the way yours has. Satan will continue to tell you your husband is the worst so that he can drive that wedge deeper and create more pain.

That being said, there is no question that your husband has hurt you. Your feelings are justified and natural for one who has been hurt. Particularly for one who has been hurt so many times by different people. Trust is easily lost and hard to regain. That is the way it should be - part of the whole opposition in all things package I believe. And it is one of the many misdeeds counted against us that we have abused the trust our dear wives once gave us. It only makes sense that a relationship cannot be what it once was after trust has been lost. Trust can be rebuilt, but it does take time.

Keep praying for that love, and if that doesn't seem possible. Pray for trust. True repentance takes time. Once your husband has put in his time and repentance has been sincerely applied for long enough, the Lord himself will begin to trust your husband. Once that happens, he will be able to answer your prayers and help you to trust him as well."
posted at 09:59:55 on January 19, 2011 by paul
he ain't the worst    
"I can guarantee that, sister. Read the online book "He Danced Alone". The warning page and link to the free text is at http://www.recoverynation.com/main/hedancedalone.htm. Porn addicts aren't just porn addicts. We are addicted to lust. Anything to fill that insatiable desire. Exhibitionism, voyeurism, prostitution, rape, adultery, casual same-sex hooking up of "heterosexual" married LDS church-going men, committing sexual battery, sexual molestation of a minor/child, etc. are all very COMMON.

COMMON.

As in often committed.

This addiction has no limit. Bundy's serial murders were based on this same addiction. Be grateful we husbands stopped when we did, whether we came forward as I did and many others, or got caught by an employer, spouse, or other. There are so many attending 12 step programs who are registered sex offenders. There are so many who have been in jail and prison. The 12 step program is a gift from our Savior to us.

I paraphrase President Kimball that the difficulty the pioneers of the handcart companies is very small compared to the struggle each of us has in our own heart regarding sexual impurity because of the unleashing of Satan and his demons in these latter-days. I say the difficulty refers to us addicts and the struggle we go through, and perhaps more difficult, what our wives, beautiful daughters of God, must endure because of sexual impurity, not their own, but sexual impurity nonetheless.

We have all put our wives into a predicament that is startling. By no doing of her own, she may not attain Celestial glory if she is unable to forgive. This is a true Gethsemane for her. This is her Via Dolorosa, the cross she must carry. Satan would have her believe that she must hold resentment to the person whose fault it is. God our Father would have her know that this is an essential part of His individual plan of happiness (plan of salvation) for her. Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. We, addicts and spouses alike must trust in God. Whatever situation we are all in, at this very moment in time, no matter how hellish, is the will of God. He wants us to have this very challenge what we are having right now.

He gave us all commandments like he did Adam and Eve that were impossible to follow completely. Paul explains this in Galatians 2, a scripture that is often misinterpreted by our non-LDS Christian brothers and sisters to mean we are only saved by Grace.

16 Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified. 17 But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners, is therefore Christ the minister of sin? God forbid. 18 For if I build again the things which I destroyed, I make myself a transgressor. 19 For I through the law am dead to the law, that I might live unto God. 20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. 21 I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain.

I think what Paul is saying is that (knowing that man without law cannot be judged according to any law) the law God gives us is impossible to keep because we are carnal. By His giving to us a law that we cannot keep because we are not perfect, we are brought to our knees in humility with no chance for justification except the atonement of Jesus. Once we realize His love for us and our salvation lies in trusting in Him, we repent. THEN it is necessary to keep the law, and He empowers us to do so, even perfectly. We are saved by grace after all we can do. "All we can do" is repent. We certainly can't keep the law 100%. If we could, in the words of Paul, Christ is dead in vain. In Alma 24, we see the words, “ALL WE COULD DO”:

10 And I also thank my God, yea, my great God, that he hath granted unto us that we might repent of these things, and also that he hath forgiven us of those our many sins and murders which we have committed, and taken away the guilt from our hearts, through the merits of his Son. 11 And now behold, my brethren, since it has been ALL THAT WE COULD DO (as we were the most lost of all mankind) to repent of all our sins and the many murders which we have committed, and to get God to take them away from our hearts, for it was ALL WE COULD DO to repent sufficiently before God that he would take away our stain—

I, along with my recovering addict brothers, all rejoice in Christ having “snatched us up”. How can we even understand how merciful our Father in Heaven to have rescued us from the practice of sexual sin, from that “awful, sinful, and polluted state”? Why didn’t He consign us to an awful destruction and let the sword of His justice fall upon us, and doom us to eternal despair? Our souls flee at the thought. God did not exercise His justice upon us, but in his great mercy He brought us OVER that everlasting gulf of death and misery, even to the salvation of our souls. It is now in our hands to seal that promise with our own actions, having been freed from the everlasting chains of addiction (spiritual death).

Alma 26:21 And now behold, my brethren, what natural man is there that knoweth these things? I say unto you, there is none that knoweth these things, save it be the penitent.

You can only know the joy of salvation and redemption if you have experienced it. I pray that all of us can have that awakening, addicts and spouses alike."
posted at 10:07:26 on January 19, 2011 by lawrence
Thanks, Paul and Lawrence    
"Paul--
Well, my husband says he came clean for the reason you suggested. He explained that one Tuesday night he was up late doing his thing. When he was done he decided to read the lesson for Elder's Quorum the coming Sunday, which he had volunteered to teach (of course, because he was always so fake about who he really was). Well, he read a talk by Elder Scott. Elder Scott talked about how he and his wife lost their baby daughter minutes after her birth. Just six weeks later their son died after an operation. He said, "Later, during the night, I embraced my wife and said to her, “We do not need to worry, because our children were born in the covenant. We have the assurance that we will have them with us in the future. Now we have a reason to live extremely well. We have a son and a daughter who have qualified to go to the celestial kingdom because they died before the age of eight.” That knowledge has given us great comfort. We rejoice in the knowledge that all seven of our children are sealed to us for time and all eternity." My husband said that reading this made him think, "I do not have the promise of having my family in the next life because I am not worthy. If I don't repent, I will loose them forever for sure."
It just happened that we had planned to go see the Stake for temple recommend interviews the next night. I saw the counselor in the Stake Presidency first, and then my husband. He confessed to him and then got a blessing from him. When we got home and after we put the kids to bed, he told me. He has not participated in p~rn since then (unless he is lying. I don't think he is but I can never be sure about anything anymore).
There was a time when, if someone told me that they saw his car parked outside a st~p club, I would have never believed it. I would have thought it must be a car that looks like his, because there is no way he would go to a place like that. Now if I heard that, I would believe it. It makes me feel very insecure. I miss being secure. But I wouldn't trade security if it meant living in lies. The lying is so horrible! Thanks for saying he's not the worst man out there!

Lawrence--
It's hard to believe all that stuff is common. All I ever hear are people talking about the p~rn. I even have read addicts on here commenting on how they never have nor ever would take their addiction beyond the computer screen. I just think, "well, my husband took it beyond the computer screen, to real women at the str~p club. He's less committed to me than even a typical addict." And I figure the wives that have had this happen to them get a divorce. I am the one sucker who is still here. :)

I figure my husband doesn't want to go to Hell. I don't. Who does? So he is repenting. That's good. I can't blame him there. But I think he would be happy with any woman. I mean he liked so many. He wanted to be with all of them. He doesn't need ME in any sort-of personal way.

You shared some great scriptures. They are a good reminder... no matter how bad one is, God is willing to snatch them from hell."
posted at 14:09:47 on January 19, 2011 by katie
He loves you.    
"Katie,

We are just starting lifestar. One of the first things it says in the spouse's book number one is that very thing. Although your feelings of him loving others with you not being special are valid feelings, he does truly love you. If he is like me, he has objectified the dancers and the women in porn. Although it seems not possible or even demented to the spouse, I can promise you that we husbands, even with our immature social/sexual developed personality, we love you with all of our heart. We love you even more when we confess and you don't throw us out. When you, like my sweetheart did, say "I think we can work this out."

That dehumanization or objectification of porn stars or dancers is a horrible thing to do, yes, but "necessary" to the primitive part of our brain. That part of our brain that was hijacked is also where our survival instincts live. That part of our brain is where our fears, our sense of safety, and well being are. It is a very most sacred part of what makes us who we are. This primitive part of our brain feels threatened by quitting porn/MB/all the rest to the same extent that if a Lion charged in this room right now to gobble me up. My survival instinct or drive rather is what is resisting change. Sex addiction is the most difficult to overcome because we have the illusion, and our primitive brain fully believes it, that our very life is at stake, even though in reality it is just the practice of our addiction that is at stake. No matter what happens, while we are still addicted, even if loved ones leave or if our membership is cut off, or if we go to jail, that primitive brain will do anything it takes to try and protect it, thinking it is life itself. Only after time of sobriety can that desire diminish. Only with the atonement of Jesus Christ can we overcome this addiction completely. These words were spoken to our group last night by an ARP missionary with over 40 years of clinical psychology experience with a specialization in addictions and trauma. If I lived in another state and knew of this newly called brother's experience, I would drive to Utah to attend his meetings because he has the spirit, he is gifted, and he knows my brain better than I know myself.

I am sorry I didn't start any of my posts with this last but most important thought: I failed to mention to you Katie, that I am touched by your story, I feel a great deal of empathy for you and your husband, and you are in my prayers. I extend my love to you and your family.

L"
posted at 14:39:52 on January 19, 2011 by lawrence
Thanks, Lawrence    
"That was sweet. Thanks, Lawrence.
Although, I never said, "I think we can work this out." As you can tell, I am more the bitter type wife than the supportive type. I call them Ensign wives because the night my husband told me, I couldn't sleep. I finally got up and went to lds.org to find what other wives said. I found some Ensign articles written by women who talked about being hurt but loving and supportive. That's not me, but as you see, it is the sweet ones that make the Ensign, not the cold ones like me. :)
I usually say something more along the lines of , "You stole my life and I am so trapped here with you!"

That said, it's not so horrible. I mean the hubster and I get along well and we are friends. There is a distance and contention between because of the addiction and infidelity. That killed the romance side. But we are friends. It's not like constant yelling around here or anything.

Again, thanks for your kind remarks!"
posted at 15:05:27 on January 19, 2011 by katie
thanks everyone    
"Katie, you sound exactly like me...the ensign's wife, that is so funny. I labelled myself, the unforgiving wife who is going to hell!! :) Unfair... he broke my heart and my dreams and I am the one who needs to repent and who is going to hell.
I am so frustrated!!! Where is the justice...
Anyways, I liked the whole conversations and everyone responses, as I feel everything applies to me. I read about the women caught in adultery the other day, and how no one could throw a stone at her and the Lord told her, that he did not condemn her and to go and sin no more. And I know that is what we should do, forgive the debt. But what about my broken heart and broken dreams... I know that the Lord has the power to heal me so that it does not hurt anymore. But it's not gone, every attractive women is a trigger for me and even the places (he did it a lot in the shower p/m, and I can not take a shower without crying). It is awful, thou it is so much better than a couple of months before. I feel like there has been some healing. But the relationship is so painful and I feel like I must protect myself against his capacity to destroy my peace.
Again, Hero said good things. My recovery, my responsibility. I too like Katie, feel like I have to stay for the kids, I can not do this to them. I owe them to work on this. I guess, if I am going to stay then I might as well give it a real try and a real chance. I must really apply the gospel, and forget my self and my pain, hoping that at some point the Lord will completely heal me from this. It feels like ( I have a business major) I have to continue doing business, with my business partner who stole all the money and showed no concern for me, who did not do his part in the contract, who squandered my millions and life savings. I no longer feel like I want to do business with him. I want to forgive him and and let him go try his luck somewhere else. Is the Lord really saying, forgive him because you are stuck, the contract was eternal and one day when you are dead I will repay you what he stole, for now go and just have faith?
But the whole conversation was a good reminder and you guys made very good points in helping me think about this differently than I did. (I think I need constant reminder, I fear I have a very thick skull)
thanks every one"
posted at 19:04:05 on January 19, 2011 by crushed
The Greater Sin---    
"Crushed, I know exactly what you mean! In addition to all the pain he has caused me, I have the added burden of having to forgive a sin as big as adultery. I am going to show here just how bitter I am --- Once I read an Ensign article about Forgiveness. I knew I needed that. A story was told by a Sister Missionary who wrote about her struggle to forgive her twin brother who once said something that embarrassed her in front of their friends (or something like that). She forgave him and had peace, ect. I think this is so unfair! So, if she hadn't forgiven her brother than she would be guilty of a sin worse than embarrassing someone else. BUT if I can't forgive adultery, a much bigger and harder sin to forgive, than I am guilty of a sin greater than adultery! No fair!
But, that seems so unfair, I am guessing it doesn't really work like that.

I know what you mean about the triggers too. I honestly used to never even notice the magazines at the store. I never used to notice how girls were dressed, ect. I miss my days of happy innocence. Now I see all of it. Besides being painful, it annoys me because I don't have time to worry about all that stuff.

But I have gotten much better about the triggers over time. Now I don't care. I don't try to control hubster at all. I don't lock the computer, ect. I figure if he is gonna cheat on me than, Fine, d@#n your own self because I want a new husband anyway. I am not going to make him not cheat on me.

Just like you Crushed, I think I can get to the point eventually where I forgive my husband --- as in, I stopped being mad at him and stop bringing it up, ect. But I just can't see how I could fall in love with him or have a normal marriage. Maybe I could try to work at it if I could be convinced that it is the right thing to do. But my husband was such a creep. I can't handle it. It doesn't even matter that he has changed.

By the way, I really do love the Ensign. :)"
posted at 09:30:45 on January 20, 2011 by katie
Wow    
"Katie,

I'm not trying to be your friend here or anything, but...You are the coolest! I love it! Seriously, please please, freakin please, don't aspire to be an ensign wife. Just be Katie. Shes awesome. There's nothing wrong with you. And the church/Lord/world needs more of you. The way you present your bitterness is so endearing I wanna kill myself. Not to make light of it. I am sorry for you and all that jazz. It really does suck. Sucks bad. I don't know how much you've hung around here or read but maybe you've noticed I think Crushed is pretty terrific. You can go ahead and throw yourself into that camp. You guys are the real deal. I promise you the Lord likes you too...

There's a ton to respond to so I'll just pick a few things. 1 I couldn't agree more about the Lord not having a time limit for you to solve the most important equations of life. Honestly, and this is just Code talking - Im not sure mormons believe this, I don't think He puts a time limit on any of us for any equation; as long as we're working on them - which you most certainly are. My only contention, and this is just me, is that I prefer to think of eternity as right now not some future out there thing. If its not what its supposed to be now (eternity) and you don't have faith it can/should/will change then change it. I just don't like the idea of banking on some ambiguous future if its not making any sense now. Hell, we don't even know (some of us have faith) there is a next life! Wouldn't that be the shits if you grueled threw it for nothing...unless the grueling makes sense now or you've had revelation that it will make sense, you feel guided, etc.

About the kids: I'm going to use your line of logic. "But I wouldn't trade security if it meant living in lies." Don't you think your kids will eventually see it the same way? Obviously they are kids and the exact same rules don't apply. But I think at some point eventually a false marriage (unrepentant marriage) becomes more traumatizing then a honest divorce. That's all I'm saying.

DON'T GET ME WRONG (and i never capitalize. Its rude). I'm not saying I think divorce is the answer. If you want my opinion, and you probably don't by now :) I think you guys should stay together. And not because its the nice thing to do or that eventually forgiveness/togetherness brings on bubbles and glittery rainbows or that President Monson and most of Utah county are more likely to approve of you. And definitely not because your husband deserves it or you should feel sorry for him.

But for starters, your still friends?!? You get a laugh out of him when you say you love him like God does?? Ha! That is poetic beauty. Pff and I think that may be more rare then you think. Your sitting on a dang gold mine. Or more like an oil well just waiting to be tapped to spew forth the riches of love and eternity ;) But seriously, friendship - that's a pretty solid foundation to build on if you ask me. One that a lot of people don't already have.

Secondly, I think you'd be short changing yourself on the opportunity to grow with each other. From my tiny angle you definitely appear to be in the exalting process. You may not see it. But I do. "All these things..."

Aside from that, and I know this is becoming a behemoth of a post, I did want to mention a few other things. Daddy issues: I think your a eyes bulging mad lunatic not to take a more in depth appraisal of your experience with your father. You never really trusted him to protect you? That's a big deal. Makes me want to cry. And I'm a jerk that never wants to cry :) Every little girl deserves what you lacked. Makes me want to have a little girl myself and wield the sword of He-Man in her honor! And I'm a jerk and don't even want kids :) Anyway, You don't have to protect him, by not addressing it - if that's something you do (?), just because he was a good father. Its okay to amit feelings of not having an affectionate lumber jack dad (that's just my ideal dad yours may be different...but like Jesus doesn't look like the Brawny paper towels guy. Ideal dad I tell ya :)) to protect his little princess. And that doesn't mean he wasnt a great and worthy dad either or that you weren't a great and worthy daughter. I just say all that because its hard to over look your serial relationship/trust issues. Again a reason I think you should stay married. Cause if you left you'd still have to take you with you.

Could all this also be why you don't want hubbster ("hubbster" ha) to give up? You want/need a man to show you your worth it?..for once in your damn life. Obviously, I'm just conjecturing here. Only you can really answer any of this.

Last and probably least, I'm over this "just porn" bull shiznit out of everyone. If I jump out of an eighty story building versus a 90 story build I'm still gonna crack my head open and my brains are gonna go everywhere and its gonna be a disgusting mess for everyone to deal with and clean up especially those closes to me. And in practical terms on a macro scale, in my not at all humble opinion that I think church authoritys may disagree with, you are by far contributing to more evil and therefore ultimately doing more evil by keeping porn in business then you would be by going out and getting your "heavy pet" on with a "real girl" you met at the bar or even having sex with her for that matter. "Oh, hey its cool to watch thousands of people rape their own souls literally senseless for a buck and line a coke so some fat cat babylonian in a sky scrapper can kick back and smoke his big cigars while he makes billions...as long as I'm 'only' helping keep this porn racket up and running and destroying my life, soul and family in the process and not doing it in 'real life'... But to really really do it?? What a line cross! I shutter! I'm a Latter Day Saint!". That's the most hypocritical thing I can think of. Jesus sure seemed to hate hypocrites a lot more then he hated whores and adulterers.

Katie, from someone who's been the honest right out the gates guy (before marriage or even a serious relationship with my wife), the clean guy, the "just porn" guy, to the Judas himself guy, i.e. many sides of the fence guy, I testify to you that not one person on this site or anywhere is better then your husband."
posted at 16:55:26 on January 20, 2011 by They Speak
Thanks, Speak!    
"You shared some kind words and you made me laugh. Thanks. :)

You're right about me taking myself and my issues with me if I left. If I did divorce, I wouldn't expect that I would even find another husband in this life. I'm 32 now, not 22. I've got three kids clinging to me now along with some extra pounds. Plus, I figure any available men left my age are single for a reason. So, I wouldn't be banking on finding someone else now. BUT what about all the dead soldiers?! All those dead young men? Or the dead children who never married? So I am set up to compete with p~rn stars and Hubster says he is competing with an unknown dead soldier.

You hit the nail on the head, I think, when you suggested that I want someone to show me I am worth it. I have recently thought about this very thing. I think with every boyfriend I ever had, I ended up thinking I wasn't worth it to him. Sometimes it was more my perception than it was reality. (For instance, my first love... we planned to marry when he got back from his mission. He wrote me a letter 9 months into his mission saying that he wasn't going to write me anymore for a while because he felt he needed to focus on being a missionary. I interpreted it as, he probably doesn't like me anymore. I cried for a few days and then decided to start dating other guys. Eventually I write him and tell him I was engaged to my first husband. I was surprised to learn years later that he was hurt by that. I honestly didn't think he would care because he didn't like me anymore).

I agree, hypocrites stink. Anyways, I ramble.... But I did really enjoy your message! Thanks! "
posted at 22:14:18 on January 20, 2011 by katie
Intimacy anorexia!    
"Here is that thread again. And much more!"
posted at 19:51:05 on July 11, 2011 by Hero
Freaked out.    
"New to the site. Nice to find LDS based site on SA topics. I've been pensive all evening after reading this thread. Im facing the same feelings in my marriage for the past year. I assumed it would just take time for my wife to heal. We havent had sex in over a year.

A primary goal of me getting healthy is so I can participate fully in an intimate loving relationship that I crave(not sex). Now it sounds like many of the partners of SA are forever walking wounded. If my wife tells me after years of recovery that she still doesnt think she can feel love for me again and be intimate (not sex), I would start to wonder if it would be beneficial and merciful to divorce her so she can find someone she can trust and love. Actually, the sex is the least of it. I feel like I need to see is she is feeling like Katie.

I feel selfish writing what I just wrote since I spent years being an SA but wow.. How many years of recovery and sobriety before Im worthy for her to want to be intimate and loving again? If the answer is forever, Im going to cry. Im really hurting."
posted at 22:10:40 on July 11, 2011 by Anonymous
As long as it takes.    
"I am in the same boat man.

We just got to do one thing, it is the only thing we can do.
Get emotionally and spiritually closer to the Lord and He will bring us closer to the wife

We just got to be humble and seek the Lord.
I am sure she is seeking him and together you will find each other.
That is my hope and strategy.
Always has been"
posted at 22:17:37 on July 11, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Maddy    
"You were asking for more info on Intimacy Anorexia. This thread is long but I think it could be helpful to you."
posted at 19:09:10 on July 13, 2011 by hero


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"Brothers and sisters, let's sell that summer cottage in Babylon. Let us be not "almost" but "altogether" Latter-day Saints. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006