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feeling hurt because of neglect
By crushed
9/28/2010 11:11:06 PM
I think I mostly addressed the feelings I felt around his addiction. Lately, I have been dealing, and trying to put to rest the hurt I felt at having been so neglected. I do not know if anyone's husband is like myne. I have felt so confused over the years, I never fully believed he was interested by me, I doubted it, I would ask him and he will say that he did love me... However, he was never interested in taking me on a date, if I wanted him to come, I had to plan it around his interests. Last anniversary we went for a night in a bed and breakfast, we had dinner, then I wanted to talk, and he was disappointed because he wanted sex. The day after, we went fishing, he went fishing, while I walked on the beach on my own, feeling sad, and then we came home. That was typical of time spent together. He rarely held my hand or never held me unless in bed when he wanted sex. He would just usually go to bed, without any contact with me. But when asked if he loved me, he would always tell me he did. I was confused, so confused and thought that I was crazy, everyone thought he was so wonderful but I felt so empty and miserable, this went on for years. There was no touch, no attention, nothing I wanted was remembered. Went to work, came back, ate his food on the computer. Are all addicts like that, or is it just my husband?
I no longer believe him when he said that he has always loved me, he says it is the pornography, that he felt those feelings for me but the pornography made it impossible for him to show those feelings? For me it makes more sense that he did not feel the feelings of a man in love for all sorts of reason and one of them being pornography??? How can you still be in love with a women, and you just think it such a drag to take her on a date, and you are absolutely bored by her presence??? You do not notice anything she wears, any new haircuts, you don't want to touch her etc...??? How does it work and how do you deal with the pain of having been so neglected, so unloved? (I do not want to feel like a victim, but I feel so hurt and so used) ? I know, I have to understand my own feelings and deal with them so I can heal.. so this is part of it... I feel so dead inside,, and so emotionally starved, that I could go with any man who would should me some attention... (dangerous feeling, that is why I need help).
thanks

Comments:

Normal- Yes    
"My situation is different than your’s, however I completely relate and understand everything you are saying and especially your raw feelings as I have felt that way so many times.

The truth is, YES. I believe it is the Pornography and the addiction to it that causes that type of behavior. Porn kills the soul, destroys the brain, and steals most if not all human compassion. Satan knows exactly what he is doing.

All addiction destroys everything. Is your husband still trying to recover? He is the addict, but in the moments when he can feel, he feels so much guilt and pain that he may escape back into the addiction, and that starts the ugly cycle again.

You are a beautiful daughter of God and he will never let you down. You are loved and he will help you heal through the 12 steps to the Atonement. As you know, some days are better than others.

Your husband has choice and it would be great if he chose Jesus Christ, however he may not, and as you do choose the Savior, He really will make all things right. It is so hard to put into words what continues to happen as you work the 12 steps. You will still have bad days, but somehow the bad days take on new meaning.

I am a work in progress for sure, but I know that the Lod is on my side. I also know that he too is right there to hold your hand, fill you up, and guide you along the journey.

I am beginning to really understand that we are choice daughters. He trusted us to lead each other thru these impossible days. We are all stronger than we think. We can only be this strong with the Lord.

We are truly broken, lost and alone.... until we again for the millionth time, fall on our knees and trust in him. He will make all things right, he always does.

Keep praying, you will know what to do.

YOU CAN DO THIS and you ar incredible beyond measure!!!

Remember who you are, remember whose you are.

You sister in Christ,
Angel"
posted at 23:53:43 on September 28, 2010 by angelmom
sounds awful    
"That really sucks. I'm ultra sorry dude. Seriously. You don't have to take that.

One question; Has there ever been a time he did notice you? Any at all. If there has I'd think you'd wanna make sure you both investigate why (if you want to stay together). Why does he want to stay together? If all those things are true?..im just having a hard time seeing why id wanna be with someone I couldn't get myself to be affectionate with...unless I really loved her and there really just was a problem. So I don't know I may believe him just by the meer fact he's still around.

Not that your husband has anything in common with low life like me whatsoever but I know for me the only time I was unable to be affectionate was when I was having an affaire. We were very regularly intimate. I was always teasing, wrestling, tickling, kissin, huggin, flirting, joking and talking. I have never been a good dater...even in high school. Anyway, then one day (literally over night), it stoped. 180. I couldn't even make eye contact or give a small meaningful peck most the time. I never wanted to be around her cause she might want some love...which I wouldn't falsely give. I could see it devastated her. She lost her sweet heart. But I couldn't have an affaire and "be with" my wife. The porn, though often in my humble opinion more deadening then the affaire, was something I could push threw my conscience with as far as being with my wife was concerned. But not an affaire. Perhaps your husband just couldn't push threw with porn on his conscience..? I don't know. Hopefully.


One thing I know has occurred now looking back. Though she may have lost her sweet heart she found herself and her God. She's born witness to that fact to me herself. And I can see it."
posted at 04:32:37 on September 29, 2010 by They speak
Is it possible he never learned how to love appropriately?    
"I wondered if his first experience with women was pornography. It DOES dehumanize and it is a self-gratifying addiction and no human can meet the supply and demand they cause themselves and so it becomes more of a need than an act of bonding and loving someone. I don't think it is possible to have this kind of addiction, in particular, and love appropriately.. It distorts things. Another reason, I am sure, we are warned of the impact this addiction in particular, has on the destruction of a marriage.

My husband and I were talking about this recently. He told me he can recognize that he treated me more like a rightful need than putting my feelings first.

I hate this addiction. It makes all things that seem like they should come naturally SO warped.

Are you are seeing changes in him that give you hope that light is starting to fill him where darkness used to be? He can learn to love you the way you should be loved. This is a major part of MY hope and true belief that things can be better than they were before.

Wishing you well today,

"Enough""
posted at 07:41:12 on September 29, 2010 by enough
He's numbed himself    
"It isn't about his feeling for you, he has numbed himself with all the garbage he's put into his head and mind. My husband numbed himself and never felt anything, no emotions one way or the other. It was the ultimate rejection, but I had to educate myself about the disease of addiction. I learned that his early choices led him to addiction, then later the addiction chose him and robbed him of all his human emotions, including a relationship with me. It is an ugly disease. It doesn't matter what the addiction is with, it takes over. My husband used to say, "you should see it from this side". I think what he meant was, it was painful for him too, he had lost his agency and choices to the drugs and alcohol. He was truly miserable.
Take heart that their are sisters among you who feel your loneliness and pain. Also, take heart that there are those of us in recovery who have been healed and are here to help you through this. WE are sisters in Christ. We can get through this together.
Hold your head up high, you are a choice daughter of a living God who loves you and will never desert you."
posted at 08:49:39 on September 29, 2010 by BTTB
Not all addicts are    
"I can't say that his addiction isn't contributing to the way he's acting, but not all addicts act that way. I wasn't that way, and I don't think either of my addict husbands were either. You do have to be careful about feeling like you could go with any man that showed some attention. That can be a way that women get into sex addictions. I know that feelings like that have gotten me into some bad situations with guys, and contributed to me getting into a bad marriage. I so wanted a man to love me that I looked past all of his faults and rushed into a marriage after only a month (some of it was also my addiction). I don't know what you are doing to take care of yourself, but I would really encourage you to have a counselor and join ARP and even a program like LifeSTAR if you have it in your area. Stay strong."
posted at 10:00:56 on September 29, 2010 by dstanley
Love Never Learned... Guilt    
"Let me start with this, it is entirely possible that he does truly love you. But, as Enough has said, if he has been involved in pornography for a while, he may not now how to handle, address, show, or even recognize his own feelings, including the love he has. In certain moments, he may feel very strongly that he loves you deeply. But those same moments are when the guilt will start to force him to push those feelings aside.

From my own experience, I was introduced to pornography at a young age, and it quickly became a way to self medicate. It made me feel better when I felt rejected or depressed. But it simultaneously had an effect of making me feel ashamed and guilty, which leads to more depression, and... more pornography. Even when I could get past all of that, even when I was sure, even when I KNEW I loved my wife, guilt made it hard to hold on to that feeling for long. I would push it back down, and eventually resort to numbing pornography to get past my own depression.

Understand though, none of this is your fault. It is very possible that he does love you, but doesn't know how to really allow himself to feel it, much less show it effectively. If he is consistently choosing recovery and making progress, he will get better. He will find his ability to love and he will be able to show it without guilt. There can always hope and healing"
posted at 11:13:02 on September 29, 2010 by Anonymous
Dear Crushed, Intimacy Anorexia!!    
"I have dealt with many of the same issues discussed in your blog. There is HOPE! Please read the definition of this condition below. The difference between Sexual Anorexia and Intimacy Anorexia is that the Sexual Anorexic has more difficulty giving their Sexuality to their spouse and the Intimacy Anorexic has more difficulty with the emotional and spiritual intimacy.

My Husband scored 100% on the characteristicsd of Sexual and Intimacy Anorexia. Even though many of the charecteristics are minimized or eliminated with recovery this issue is a huge Elepahant in our relationship. It is so hard for me to Heal when he is still exhibiting even one or two of those characteristics. Several of the Sisters who are in my PASAG for spouses groups identify with this same condition. It is real and it is very painful.

From: Partners, Healing from His Addeiction, Dr. Doug Weiss


Sexual Anorexia
In a journal article I wrote called Sexual Anorexia:
A new paradigm for hyposexual disorder, I surveyed three
groups of people for sexual anorexia. The results of this
survey are:
29% of male sex addicts are sexually anorexic
39% of female sex addicts are sexually anorexic
39% of partners are sexually anorexic
This study completed in 1998, helped the clinical
community identify the prevalence of sexual anorexia in the
three groups addressed. As a partner of a sex addict you
need to be informed about sexual anorexia. The anorexia
piece of sexual addiction can be more difficult for the addict
and the partner to recover from.
In brief, sexual anorexia occurs when the addict
actively is acting "in," within the relationship. He withholds
spiritual intimacy, emotional intimacy, and sexual intimacy
from his partner. He would much rather be with himself
sexually than with her. If you characterize your relationship
as feeling like you are "roommates" you may be living with
a sexual anorexic.
In our study, we asked partners to fill in the criteria
for sexual anorexia for their husbands during his addiction,
as well as in recovery. We also asked them to identify these
characteristics for themselves. In the study, the partners
were not told that this was the criteria for sexual anorexia,they simply answered the questions as listed.
Has your sex addict displayed these behaviors during your
relationship while he was active in his addiction?
76% Withholding love from you
72% Withholding praise or appreciation from you
73% Controlling by silence or anger
58% Ongoing or ungrounded criticism of you
causing isolation
62% Withholding sex from you
86% Unwillingness to discuss his feelings with
you
81% Staying so busy, he has no relational time for
you
85% Making issues/problems in the relationship
about you instead of owning his own issues
52% Controlling or shaming you with money
issues
Here we can see that many partners feel that they
are definitely living with a full blown sexual anorexic. The
aloneness and neglect that goes with this part of the addiction
is very painful. The good news is, that in recovery from
sexual addiction, there was improvement in this area; still,
close to one-third of the sex addicted husbands or men
remain full-blown sexually anorexic. This leaves much work
for the couple that needs to recover from sexual anorexia,
as well as sexual addiction.
Has your addict displayed these behaviors during
your relationship while in his recovery?28% Withholding love from you
32% Withholding praise or appreciation from you
35% Controlling by silence or anger
25% Ongoing, or ungrounded, criticism of you
causing isolation
33% Withholding sex from you
39% Unwillingness to discuss his feelings with
you
42% Staying so busy he has no relational time for
you
39% Making issues/problems in the relationship
about you instead of owning his own issues
25% Controlling, or shaming, you with money
issues
As you can see, sexual addiction recovery can make
dramatic changes in the addict. Yet, approximately one-third
of the men are still struggling with sexual anorexia.
I asked the partners in our study this time to respond
personally to the same criteria for sexual anorexia during his
active addiction. Then I asked them to respond personally
to the same criteria for sexual anorexia while in recovery.
Have you displayed these behaviors during your relationship
while he was active in his addiction?
39% Withholding love from him
39% Withholding praise or appreciation from him
52% Controlling by silence or anger
35% Ongoing, or ungrounded, criticism of him,
causing isolation
34% Withholding sex from him
34% Unwillingness to discuss your feelings with36% Staying so busy you have no relational time
for him
34% Making issues/problems in the relationship
about him, instead of owning your own
issues
21% Controlling or shaming you with money
issues
Have you displayed these behaviors during your relationship
during recovery?
18% Withholding love from him
25% Withholding praise or appreciation from him
25% Controlling by silence or anger
20% Ongoing or ungrounded criticism of him,
causing isolation
25% Withholding sex from him
18% Unwillingness to discuss your feelings with
him
18% Staying so busy you have no relational time
for him
22% Making issues/problems in the relationship
about him instead of owning your own issues
05% Controlling or shaming him with money
issues
I think there is enough evidence to support that,
although some couples naturally clear up from symptoms of
sexual anorexia, there are still approximately 30% of the
addicts and 20% of the partners in recovery, that still
struggle with sexual anorexia. These couples would do well
to address this issue as soon as possible.

Sexual issues vary in range and intensity. As a
couple evolves in recovery, they will often address these
various sexual issues. Many of these issues, and more, are
covered in the Partners Recovery Guide.
Sex can become a beautiful thing for the couple who
does the work. If you both work on it together, sex can
become beautiful again. I have counseled with many couples
who, after addressing their sexual issues, state "This is the
best sex of our lives." Often it is because both people in the
relationship can now be intimate and sexual together,
without guilt."
posted at 14:29:14 on September 29, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Hating himself    
"My husband also displayed some of these behaviors while in his addiction, I didn't know the signs of addiction and I thought he didn't love me anymore, or was just annoyed with me all the time. I talked with my husband about this issue awhile back (after he started recovery). I asked him if he really felt he could love me while involved w/ porn. I, of course, said there is no possible way. At first he tried to defend himself. But after some thought he said the reason he couldn't love me was 'cause he hated himself so much. That made sense to me.

I hope things get better and that as your husband goes through recovery he will be capable of truly loving you. I'm sorry you're going through this, it really sucks for us wives doesn't it? But, thankfully we have the atonement and we can use it to find peace and hope."
posted at 15:39:40 on September 29, 2010 by time2heal
More on Anorexia    
"
"Dr. Doug feels so strong about this condition that he recommends a separate 12 step group and sponsor to deal with this condition. I have not been able to pioneer that one yet, although it needs to be addressed.

You are not CRAZY, or alone. Your Husband can learn and change if he wants to. He will have to if he wants a celestial marriage. I for one am holding out the the nurturing, caring, loving, cherishing, celestial Marriage I know I deserve. Let's face it. We take all our characteristics with us.....I will not live in this type of a marriage for eternity. We have a great opportunity here to get things turned round right. When we know better we do better. That goes for the Guys too. Hope this helps!! You can have the Marriage you deserve. He can change with the right information and help.
Dr. Weiss has 3 new resources dealing with this condition:
Intimacy Anorexia, the Workbook,
" " , the DVD
" " , the Book, (just released), I have not read that one yet.
Married and Alone, the DVD, When I watched that one I just sat there and thought OMG this is my life. Not now, I am not going to live that life anymore. You do not have to either. There is help and healing.
I am not trying to give a sales pitch for his stuff. It is just what I found that helped me. I hope it will help you.
sexaddict.com This is Dr. Weiss's site."
posted at 15:22:23 on September 29, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO"
posted at 16:11:26 on September 29, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Dear Crushed & Donkey Boy    
"Enough and DStanley already expressed some of my thoughts, so I’ll just say ditto, ditto.

Most guys are naturally inept when it comes to noticing subtle changes like a new hairdo, dress or the fact that you’ve been wearing a wookie costume for a week?. We’re often just not good at giving our wives compliments. Christian comedian, Tim Hawkins has a funny routine on this where he talks about “Marriage GPS”. Search for “Tim Hawkins GPS”.

Most porn addicts start around puberty, so they get used to a quickie type “relationship”. No wining and dining needed. It is all about meeting their needs on their terms with no thoughts about what their partner would like. If they ever think about their partner’s needs it is probably at the lowest physical level or to build their sexual prowess. (Just my personal experience) Their view of relationships is most likely warped well before they get into a marriage. We want the instant “on” that we had with porn. It takes a major change in thinking to focus on the needs of our spouse and work on the relationship just to make it better, rather than, “I better be extra nice for the next few hours so I can get some.”

I HAVE ONE BIG QUESTION. I noticed in your post that everything was in the past tense. Are these his current behaviors, or is he really trying to change things?

IF CURRENT: This paragraph is addressed to Donkey Boy (that is a reference to the recent sports blog by Crushed) As one former DA speaking to another, if you are still eating your dinner in front of the computer, lean forward so that I can whack you upside the head. You need to take every opportunity to visit with your wife and listen to whatever she has to say. You need to study and get to know your wife like you did before your marriage. I’m guessing you did something like that to get her to marry you. Take her out on a date to do something SHE wants to do. You need to make more of an effort to woo her now than you did before marriage. Now you’re coming from a deficit. Fourth down and fifty to go, and punting isn’t an option. This year the anniversary had better be focused on what she would like to do. That is just good karma if nothing else.

IF IT ISN’T CURRENT: Crushed your feelings are justified. The mister Hyde that you have been married to did look at you as a sex object who was just there to meet his needs when he wanted, but you are also married to DR. Jekyll and if it was like my situation, he probably had more of a say in choosing you to be his wife. He loved you and saw what great qualities you have. Somehow you need to process these feelings and put them behind you for your sake if nothing else. One day at a time. We can’t change the past and the future is beyond our control. Your husband is changing and would do anything he could to change the past, but he can’t, he just can’t. I hope the two of you can make things work. I hope the sisters here can help you heal from these wrongs that were committed against you. I know it can happen. I am at peace with my father finally after 49 years. It feels good.

May God bless you both. Thinking of both your situations made me think of the movie “Fire Proof”. He has to recover from porn addiction and selfishness. She has to resist the temptation of another man who gives her the attention she craves. Very good stuff. It helped me achieve one of the milestones in my recovery. The grass really isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. I knew a couple of “soul mates” who left their spouses for each other and are no longer together."
posted at 06:16:35 on September 30, 2010 by justjohn


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"Lucifer will do all in his power to keep you captive. You are familiar with his strategy. He whispers: “No one will ever know.” “Just one more time.” “You can’t change; you have tried before and failed.” “It’s too late; you’ve gone too far.” Don’t let him discourage you. When you take the path that climbs, that harder path of the Savior, there are rewards along the way. When you do something right, when you resist temptation, when you meet a goal, you will feel very good about it. It is a very different kind of feeling than you have when you violate commandments—an altogether different feeling. It brings a measure of peace and comfort and provides encouragement to press on. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990