A different subject that is bugging me big time!!!
By ruggaexpat
9/25/2010 6:31:19 PM
have devoted a lot of time to understand the pain my wife has had to endure through this mess and the writing here and sharing thoughts with you all has seriously been a life saver. I am still learning a lot and working hard to grow up emotionally which leads me to the greatest worry in my life. The greatest worry of my life seems to be slowly fading out of my emotional makeup but one concern is always replaced by another or it was there before but taking more of my minds space. The Kids!!!!! For the life of me I cannot but feel seriously horrible for them that they had such a crap Dad for the first years of their lives.

I am blessed to have the 2 easiest daughters a father in my situation could ever imagine. God knew who he was sending my way but that is little to be joyed about. This year (since clean) I have made serious efforts to connect more fully with them. Before I would play but I was not really there, I would not invest my whole self in the moment, I was there physically but rarely all of me was there (how could I given my addiction). I know my kids always loved me as daddy but they never were able to connect with Daddy. That makes me so freaking upset with myself that I did that for so long. I made serious efforts to change that this year and when I play now I am there and love it big time, best times now are those on the trampoline bouncing, tackling and falling all over each other. I just want to do so much with them, go hiking, fishing, ect. Life is more meaningful but as my wife reminds me, I fear the damage is done. They are only 3 and half and 1 and half and they were exposed to so much so much that it has to have an effect. It has to have marked them to some degree and that JUST PLAIN OLD FREAKING SUCKS MAN. I hate that and it is hard to live with the reality that I lost those critical years to enjoy it with them. I love to write about my wife and helping her but this ones for the kids today so I am not forgetting her pain as I write about the girls.

I read Angels posts and how she and her husband struggle with a child now hooked on porn. Holy cow I just would hate for my girls to go that route or marry one who has. Sorry fellow addicts don't want to sound all high and mighty but I don't want that for my daughters. They are too precious for that in their lives. Just as precious as our wives and any loved ones are. The costs scare me, I got to rid every emotional trace I can from their lives and I just feel helpless because to a certain extent I am helpless and pray continuously that the savior will protect them and heal my daughters of their emotional wounds.

Can you guys write some of your experiences how this has effected your children? Can anyone out there say their children were protected and healed by divine intervention? This scares the living daylights out of me.

We as a family are healing and if I look back now I can say we are heading in the right direction together. Today we went hiking and I just sat there watching my wife play and run around with them and thought Holy crap this is the happiest I have ever been in all my life. I looked at my wife and saw such a beautiful woman and felt so blessed just for the fact that she is there with me. It was one of those moments where you say Man I am a lucky dude indeed. Love her to bits and love the girls. Life is getting better, there is healing, there is hope and there is recovery from this monster. It is slow and gradual but it comes and as I have been told by good sisters and bros here I can ify that they knew something I did not know and they knew what they were talking about.

Love you guys out there.

Oh ya before I forget Paul I am going to get an email and we can connect.


"I love you, brother! I think you are a great dad. The fact that you genuinely care about your children speaks volumes. Your children are gonna be just fine!"
posted at 22:33:47 on September 25, 2010 by Anonymous
They'll be fine!    
"How very blessed you are to be going through this when your children are young. It's not too late to bond with them. Children that age still love unconditionally. They may have felt that you weren't completely there, but as the new feelings grow, the old ones will be lost.

Our children were much older. The three oldest knew of their father's addiction. Our oldest is 31 right now. Sadly, he knew more about computers than I did when he was an adolescent and he discovered it long before I did. I learned how to use a computer from my children. I'm old enough to have never used them in school. Our three younger children found out when I disclosed it to them. Our youngest is now 18. I had asked my husband to leave our bedroom and stay in the guest room. They had to have some answers and I was finished hiding their father's secret from them. All 6 of our children have had to come to terms with what the addiction has done to our family. I've tried to teach them about the Atonement and what it does for them in their lives. I have tried to live my life as an example of how the Atonement works so that they see how it has helped me heal. In some ways they are stronger than they would have otherwise had to be. But no matter which stage of life they were in, there has been healing. They know why their father was a space case growing up and why there wasn't the bonding that there should have been. In all cases, there is forgiveness and a willingness to go forward from where they are now. All of them are grown and all of them have a better relationship with him now that he is in recovery. He's spoken with them about it as he's made ammends to them. It will take us longer to get to where we need to be, but we will still arrive where we want to go.

In a way, me looking at your situation doesn't seem so bad because they are so young. Please, please make those changes now so it doesn't impact them anymore than they have been. You don't want them going through this when they are hitting adolescence. It was much more difficult for my children than it needed to be.

There's still hope and a LOT of it."
posted at 12:04:50 on September 26, 2010 by SEEINGLIGHT
Thanks guys    

Thanks for the insight from your life.
That was what I needed to hear. Not how hard it has been but there is hope for them.
You are right too they do love unconditionally and it makes so much sense that they will replace the old memories with new ones. I hope the Savior aids them there. I would hate it if my daughter remembers all the emotional immaturity I have shown in her early years.

Thanks a lot. Wow I can just imaging how tough it has been for you as a mother in Zion to try explain the mess to your children. You must be a very choiced soul to have helped the whole family stay the course for eternity. I bet deep down your husband is the most greatful man out there.

God Bless Seeinglight
Always like to learn from you"
posted at 18:26:09 on September 26, 2010 by ruggaexpat
They'll be OK    
"Kids are resilient, and yours are young. They'll be OK. Keep them in mind though when you are tempted to relapse. I know that mine have been and continue to be a motivation for me to work hard in my recovery. As a single mom of two, I know that my boys need me to be sober and healthy. I can't go back to where I was before. My oldest (8) has suffered enough, including being without me for about 3 months while I was in rehab. I know that I also was less present for him during some of my acting out periods, but I also know that he'll be OK. I can't change the past, I can only work hard to make the present and future better."
posted at 20:16:31 on September 26, 2010 by dstanley
I so agree with the dead marriage affecting the children!    
"How can it not affect the children to see their mother fall to pieces? To look at the little's hard for me to even address it.

We have had one residual affect that I think is linked:My son tattles on his father to me. If my husband does something or punishes him, etc, he will run to me and tell me the minute he can. And there were times my husband even played into it by explaining himself to me! Probably because he didn't feel he had a leg to stand on in general... I asked my husband to leave twice and I think my son saw me as the leader in the home. You cannot lead a family in righteousness and "indulge". I didn't take over the had never been filled.

I have given this great thought in the past and recently. What do I do to help my children recognize loving relationships and not be drawn to unhealthy ones and how do I teach them to appreciate/respect the roles Heavenly Father has prepared for us to fulfill as men and women? My children deserve a righteous priesthood holder in the home, to bless us and to protect us. I realized that I need to have a better- than- it -ever -was- relationship with my husband. I am not interested in a relationship like it "used to be". Now, obviously you have to be at this stage of healing yourself, etc to be thinking this way but our children HAVE to see and live with sincere and true devotion between parents. They have to see true affection and respect between their parents. They need good role models of what a healthy marriage truly is. And if it is consistent, and deepens and is true, I think it heals all involved. It changes the course. I believe YEARS of genuine, Christ -like affection can heal wounds and even change us. This is what we all deserve and should have. I think this is where it can begin."
posted at 23:24:48 on September 26, 2010 by Enough
My thoughts...    
"My children are still less than 6 months old, that also un-coincidentally happens to be the approximate time I have been in recovery. While the last remnants of my addiction were still being wiped out after their arrival, and I refuse to ever allow that garbage into our house again, I still fear for what will happen to them as the ramifications of what I have done spread.

I have been doing the best I know how to be more serviceable and patient in our home. I have been doing the best I know how to be a better father and husband, by leading our family in scripture study, FHE, more uplifting discussions, family activities, etc. I know my two boys have no idea of our home being anything but what it is now. Even if they were aware of the dead spots that were present before, as has been said, children are resilient, and strong, and love unconditionally. Especially towards their parents. They are willing to forgive and let the old habits pass away. They are always willing to accept a new better way of living, and they are remarkably adept at recognizing what the "better" way is.

That being said, the "better way" has to be there for them to recognize it. The ramifications I am concerned about for my two boys is the relationship my wife and I have had. Regardless of how well I am doing in recovery, of how long it has been since I have seen, done, or thought anything related to my addiction, if I have destroyed my relationship with my wife, then that "better way" may not be fully realized and my children will feel those affects.

Rugga, I know this has been occupying your time and thoughts for the better part of the past year. I feel your pain, and wish I could say I had your courage to confront it. I wish your wife's (I am assuming it was her's) post from last night was still up there. Enough is right, children cannot grow up in a dead marriage un-scathed. THAT IS WHY CHRIST OVERCAME DEATH!

There is ALWAYS hope. There can ALWAYS be healing. So long as everyone will be humble and willing to move forward, Christ himself has promised that we can be made whole. That promise includes the hurt and betrayed wife, the guilty but repentant husband, and above all else the innocent children. Of course they can heal, of course things can improve.

Elder Holland gave a power talk at a BYU devotional titled "Remember Lot's Wife" *

It gives some good insights into putting sins behind us and moving forward to find healing. My personal favorite quote from his talk...

** There is something in us, at least in too many of us, that particularly fails to forgive and forget earlier mistakes in life -- either mistakes we ourselves have made or the mistakes of others. That is not good. It is not Christian. It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement of Christ. To be tied to earlier mistakes -- our own or other people's -- is the worst kind of wallowing in the past from which we are called to cease and desist.


When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound which the Son of God Himself died trying to heal. Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change, and improve. **

In quoting that paragraph I do not mean to imply in any way that our wives should or need to "just get over it". I recognize the deep wounds this sin inflicts can take years to heal. In fact, I feel he is speaking more to me than my wife, as I've always had a hard time letting the past go. All I am saying is, we have to try, and it can be done. There is so much pain for the couple involved in this sin. It takes honest and humble effort from EVERYONE involved to try and protect our children, but it can be done.

I am so grateful for our dear sisters who are so strong, so forgiving, and so patient with these sorrows we bring upon them. It is true that the power of the priesthood can only level the playing field between men and women, you are naturally so far above us. I feel so unworthy of my wife, especially since she has done nothing to deserve any of this, in fact, she has done everything to prevent it. And yet, in my own short-sightedness and with my own lack of understanding, I allowed this to happen. I am sorry. But there has to be, there is, and always will be hope, for us, for you, and for our children."
posted at 12:09:50 on September 27, 2010 by paul
Rugga and Wife    
"I have been thinking about the post that was made. Right on Sister! I am so glad you expressed your feelings. You have a right to them and to your anger. They have been earned in a soul searing experience. We have all felt those same emotions, those of us who have loved ones who either are still in addiction and those who's loved ones are seeking recovery, forgiveness, healing using the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The Atonement what an amazing eraser. When sought and applied this miracle can heal the addict and those who have suffered because of the addicts behavior and choices.
It is a common concern of loved ones if they offer forgiveness to the addict that somehow it minimizes the devastating effects of the addiction. That if I stay mad and unforgiving and continue to punish however I see fit, he will somehow get somewhat of an understanding of just how bad I have been hurt. How Bad It Feels! I decided that I did not like myself that much when I behaved in that manner, no matter how justified. I wanted to find myself again even if I decided not to to stay in my marriage. I could forgive, even if I decided not to love him anymore or be married. I needed the Atonement for me, I needed to heal.
I had great faith in my Savior Jesus Christ, I had seen his healing miracles numerous time in my life. Injuries healed, cancer healed, spiritual gifts, loving forgiveness, grace, mercy......the list goes on of the miracles received in my life through the gifts of the Savior. I knew I could rely on him to help me again. This particular illness is a tricky one. Satan has a big stake in this one. Families can be disrupted. Eternal Families. The War was on. I have learned that this battle could not be won without my Savior. I needed every resource at my disposal to even level the playing field. Prayer, Blessings, Scripture Study, Priesthood Blessings, Priesthood leaders who treated me with dignity and love and concern, ministering Angels, Professional Counseling, Numerous books on the subject, Sisters who loved me and understood my struggles, ARP, and especially PASAG for spouses to help me use that gift that I had so much faith in but NEEDED the process to use it for my healing.
A great book, "From Heartache to Healing", Finding Power in Christ to deal with a loved one's Sexual Addiction by Colleen and Philip Harrison. It is barely off the press and is amazing. My love and prayers to both of you and your beautiful family. It is so worth the battle and your marriage can be the intimate, loving, caring, nurturing marriage you deserve.
I read somewhere, I believe it was in Dr. Hilton's books about a sister who was struggling with her husbands addiction and his recovery. The spirit spoke to her and told her that her husband was going to heal, with our without her. She decided she wanted his healing to be with her. I decided to do the same. I am making it from Heartache to Healing. You can too. This is a journey only you can take. You do not have to do it alone.
posted at 18:50:15 on September 27, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO

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"If it were possible to make your road very easy, you wouldn’t grow in strength. If you were always forgiven for every mistake without effort on your part, you would never receive the blessings of repentance. If everything were done for you, you wouldn’t learn how to work, or gain self-confidence, or acquire the power to change. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990