Pray for me
By Lawrence
9/23/2010 5:16:47 PM
Ok so I withheld the major stuff from my steps 4 and 5. The Lord guided me in an amazing way, and I talked to my bishop and wife. Everything is over 7 years ago. My wife loves/hates me, is giving me a chance, and I am facing church discipline. Please pray for me.


Hey buddy    
"My wife is staying with me too.
I faced the possibility of church discipline but the Lord was extremely merciful. Still don't know why today. My wife has suffered and still is but she is with me and like I told her the other day I would take that anyday no matter how much she wants to see me disappear.

Praying for you and promise it gets better because you are taking repentance seriously."
posted at 17:37:51 on September 23, 2010 by ruggaexpat
"You and your family will definitely be in my prayers Lawrence. I've read your blog on the other site and it seems as though you've done a great deal of work and made a great deal of progress.already The Lord is with you, your family is with you. Don't give up on yourself and enjoy the worthiness you have and are working for."
posted at 21:22:27 on September 23, 2010 by paul
"I will pray as well. I held some things back for over 14 years. I kept thinking it had been so long ago that it didn't matter. In fact I believe I had truly repented of some of those things last spring-I was camping and had prayed for several hours one night and had peace that I was forgiven. But it was not until I confessed to my Bishop this summer that I was released from them. I now realize that those things had kept holding me back because for years my mind has returned to them--I guess the truth was I was most concerned about whether or not I could still have the blessings of the covenants of my Temple marriage. It was one of my deepest fears. Hang in there--you have already shown great courage in confessing something from 7 years ago. In the long run this will be another step in allowing you to be truly free from addiction."
posted at 04:37:43 on September 24, 2010 by Seekrecovery
Good Luck    
"I wish the best for you. Whatever happens, you did the right thing."
posted at 16:05:50 on September 24, 2010 by dstanley
"Very spiritual experience. God is very merciful. My wife still loves me, and is staying with me and that is amazing. I also did step 9 with a face to face with 14 people in 4 days! Very spiritually draining. I have genuine love and concern for all of my loved ones I hurt. Most returned the love tenfold and actually offered "anything I can EVER do for you, just ask".

Is it possible to be spiritually worn out? Dear Lord, I am so tired. Goodnight and let's hope for another day of sobriety tomorrow."
posted at 23:30:19 on September 26, 2010 by Lawrence
"I am humbly impressed that you are taking your "steps" so seriously. That truly says something very good about you.

You and your wife will be in my prayers."
posted at 23:46:40 on September 26, 2010 by Enough
Moving in the right direction    

I wanted to say how much I respect you for taking the steps you have taken. I respect your wife for staying with you and I admire the strength you do have and will have as you heal and grow closer together. You are and example to those of us who are following you. You, your wife, and your family will be in my prayers. Stay the course!"
posted at 12:21:33 on September 27, 2010 by paul
"My wife asked me many times since my first disclosure to her a very specific question, if I had ever ________________. I always said no. My most recent confession of major transgressions was that exact thing that happened 7 years ago. Things were not going well for me during those 7 months. Better than ever, yes, but I had to bring myself to be fully honest with myself, God, my bishop, and my wife. I felt terrible darkness for several days, but I see the rays of light now shining through. They are shining for me, but not for my wife yet. I have faith that she will heal, but in her and the Lord's own due time. She goes to the temple almost every day. We can't tell our wives anything helpful. Anyone else can, but because of whose mouth it is coming from, I can't give her pointers or good ideas to be helpful in any way. One thing that has helped her is to talk to others. I have swallowed all pride and told her to seek out friends to talk about this. We don't want to shout this from the rooftops, but it was a good idea for us to use a little inspiration and confide in some people. Last week, we sat down with my brother and his wife, and separately each of the couples comprising all of her 4 siblings and their spouses. That sort of exercise is not for the faint of heart, I tell you, but we have received an outpouring of love and support that I never thought possible.

Don't look up to me or envy me. I was disfellowshipped on Sunday, and have been suicidal two days this week. I have called out to friends, and I feel amazingly happy today. A wise man said you can't feel misery and gratitude at the same time. I really believe that. God led me to go to a different meeting location that I would normally go to on a Thursday for some odd reason, but when I got there, I knew why. There was a brother there who needed to know what I had been through because he was about to go through it too. We stayed and talked for half an hour, and I hope it lifted his spirits. As I was doing my sharing, he was thinking to himself, "how can this guy, being through all that, be sitting there talking about such gloomy subjects as church courts and suicidal thoughts, and be smiling and happy!" I don't know how I did it. I was sad all day. But when I realized I was doing something God wanted me to do, I found delightful joy in doing that service.

I really pretty much stopped my consistent journaling on this site, but don't worry, I'm still doing well. My whole journal is on The reason I stopped journaling here is because I write in long-hand, and the things that flow from my pen are not my words. I have found a method by which the Holy Ghost dictates the words of Jesus Christ to me, and I record them as they flow. This is something so sacred to me, and all of the messages I receive are for me and me alone, very personal revelation, kind of like a patriarchal blessing.

“The Savior said ‘I will tell you in your mind and in
your heart, by the Holy Ghost’ (D&C 8:2, emphasis
added). . . . An impression to the mind is very specific.
Detailed words can be heard or felt and written as
though the instructions were being dictated. A communication
to the heart is a more general impression”

(Richard G. Scott, “Helping Others to Be Spiritually
Led,” Doctrine and Covenants and Church history
symposium, August 11, 1998).

(quoted in LDS Family Services, Addiction Recovery Program, 2005, pp 67-68)"
posted at 12:06:09 on October 1, 2010 by lawrence
thoughts continued    
"I learned all this from Elder Scott:

“Now I share an experience that taught me a way to gain spiritual guidance. One Sunday I attended the priesthood meeting of a Spanish branch in Mexico City. I vividly recall how a humble Mexican priesthood leader struggled to communicate the truths of the gospel in his lesson material. I noted the intense desire he had to share those principles he strongly valued with his quorum members. He recognized that they were of great worth to the brethren present. In his manner, there was an evidence of a pure love of the Savior and love of those he taught.

“His sincerity, purity of intent, and love permitted a spiritual strength to envelop the room. I was deeply touched. Then I began to receive personal impressions as an extension of the principles taught by that humble instructor. They were personal and related to my assignments in the area. They came in answer to my prolonged, prayerful efforts to learn.

“As each impression came, I carefully wrote it down. In the process, I was given precious truths that I greatly needed in order to be a more effective servant of the Lord. The details of the communication are sacred and, like a patriarchal blessing, were for my individual benefit. I was given specific directions, instructions, and conditioned promises that have beneficially altered the course of my life.

“Subsequently, I visited the Sunday School class in our ward, where a very well-educated teacher presented his lesson. That experience was in striking contrast to the one enjoyed in the priesthood meeting. It seemed to me that the instructor had purposely chosen obscure references and unusual examples to illustrate the principles of the lesson. I had the distinct impression that this instructor was using the teaching opportunity to impress the class with his vast store of knowledge. At any rate, he certainly did not seem as intent on communicating principles as had the humble priesthood leader.

“In that environment, strong impressions began to flow to me again. I wrote them down. The message included specific counsel on how to become more effective as an instrument in the hands of the Lord. I received such an outpouring of impressions that were so personal that I felt it was not appropriate to record them in the midst of a Sunday School class. I sought a more private location, where I continued to write the feelings that flooded into my mind and heart as faithfully as possible. After each powerful impression was recorded, I pondered the feelings I had received to determine if I had accurately expressed them in writing. As a result, I made a few minor changes to what had been written. Then I studied their meaning and application in my own life.

“Subsequently I prayed, reviewing with the Lord what I thought I had been taught by the Spirit. When a feeling of peace came, I thanked Him for the guidance given. I was then impressed to ask, ‘Was there yet more to be given?’ I received further impressions, and the process of writing down the impressions, pondering, and praying for confirmation was repeated. Again I was prompted to ask, ‘Is there more I should know?’ And there was. When that last, most sacred experience was concluded, I had received some of the most precious, specific, personal direction one could hope to obtain in this life. Had I not responded to the first impressions and recorded them, I would not have received the last, most precious guidance.

“What I have described is not an isolated experience. It embodies several true principles regarding communication from the Lord to His children here on earth. I believe that you can leave the most precious, personal direction of the Spirit unheard because you do not respond to, record, and apply the first promptings that come to you.

“...Have patience as you are perfecting your ability to be led by the Spirit. By careful practice, through the application of correct principles, and by being sensitive to the feelings that come, you will gain spiritual guidance. I bear witness that the Lord, through the Holy Ghost, can speak to your mind and heart. Sometimes the impressions are just general feelings. Sometimes the direction comes so clearly and so unmistakably that it can be written down like spiritual dictation.”

("To Acquire Spiritual Guidance", Richard G. Scott, October 2009 General Conference)

“Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation...”
(Doctrine and Covenants 8:2-3)"
posted at 12:07:25 on October 1, 2010 by lawrence
The Most Important Lesson I have Learned!!    
"Lawrence this is such a timely post for me.

I have been struggling with finding the peace I sought so desperately. My husband like you had kept infidelities not repented of to himself for decades. It was a canker to our marriage and his soul. I understand in an intimate way what your wife is experiencing. Take solace in her actions of seeking the Lord's guidance by attending the Temple. Have patience......... In my most recent scripture studies I have learned: D&C 101: 38," the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls, and ye shall have eternal life."
Wow, that patience is big time! We can posses our souls and have eternal life if we have patience.....Also on Sunday the RS lesson was from a talk from Pres. Uchtdorf on patience and the phrase that hit my mind like a neon sign was. "Patience offers hope for peace." In further study I learned that patience can ease burden, rein in anger and help us resist evil!!!! WOW!

Still struggling after a discovery that could be totally innocent, or totally revealing. I fasted and prayed, attended the temple, did service.........???????? Discussed my feelings with my spouse and that ended up in a huge ugly conflict.....:(( Are we back to where we were a year ago??..... Is it time for me to move on?????.....Our Disciplinary action is close to coming to a close....I have prayed and fasted for my Priesthood leaders to be in tune with the Will of the Lord......Be Patient?????.............I remembered reading in Colleen Harrison's book, From Heartache to Healing, about prayerfully journaling.( I wish I would have had that book a year ago.) I sat down and started praying writing my prayer in my journal and pausing to hear the voice of the Lord, then recording those sweet whisperings. So simple, so clear,so true!!!!......PEACE!.....the unmistakable direction from our Lord. I left that experience Knowing what I must do. I penned in another smaller journal that personal revelation, to keep it close for future referencing. My husband sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a sweet note of apology. Symbolic, sweet, but that alone could not change my heart. My Father in Heaven, My Savior, Jesus Christ, and my comforter the Holy Ghost would be the surgeons capable of mending my heart.
I will continue to use Journaling as a way of receiving further light and knowledge and I will definitely look up that talk by Elder Scott!! Thank you, Lawrence....and my prayers to you and your wife."
posted at 15:40:44 on October 1, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Keep Praying for me    
"I don't know how to put this. On the one hand I am on a spiritual high. God is with me every minute of every day. On the other hand my sweet bride is so far down in the dumps, she doesn't seem to be able to pull out to function normally. She goes to the temple. She talks to friends in the ward and her sisters. She comes to meetings. In her words, she can't let go. She is wondering whether we should stay together. It is all because of the severity of my past transgressions 7 years ago. I feel forgiveness from the Lord. Not complete forgiveness yet, but I am headed in the right direction. I have confessed it all, every whit. She has a very hard choice. If I was still acting out it would be easy; she could kick me out. But now I am 8 months clean and receiving personal guidance from the Savior all of the time, and trying so hard to show her in every way that I can that I love her, she still has valid reasons if she wants to call it off. "It isn't fair", she says, that I messed up that bad, and now the toughest decision in the world is hers to make and not mine. I agree with her. I am so sorry. It is strange but I feel great love for her and I feel forgiveness even though forgiveness hasn't been fully granted to me. I have a lot of hope, and Jesus is carrying me through each day. I wish every day could be general conference, that was so inspiring. Continue your prayers for me and her."
posted at 15:58:56 on October 4, 2010 by lawrence
Be Patient!    
"LOL and Prayers!!!! It is still early for your wife. A new disclosure starts the process over for the spouse sometimes from a darker place than where she was when she was first made aware of the problem. It takes longer for spouses to heal and forgive than for the addict. I hope she is reading recovery material for herself. "From Heartache to Healing, Finding Power in Christ to deal with a loved one's Sexual Addiction", by Colleen C. and Philip A. Harrison is a very helpful resource for spouses and also addicts to help them understand what there wife is going through.
Read Seeinglights last post to Angelmom, "Part two"
Nurture, Love, Patiece, long suffering, put these attributes into action."
posted at 17:20:16 on October 4, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Hang in there Bro    
"You just got to. I feel for you and your wife. The best I can describe it is the worst possible tempest, with darkness all around at times but just hold onto the light you so well described. That light as long as it is there will slowly dispell the darkness away. I still have dark times but there is more light and when that light shines on you soke it in and just learn from the experience of the day. Lehi was not kidding, I have felt those dark times so much so that at times I could not breath but THEY DO NOT LAST, THEY WILL NOT LAST BECUASE YOU ARE REPENTANT. Your wife will see that and slowly give her confidence to carry on gradually. Father time is your best friend, let him take you by the hand and don't try run away from him. I got a lot of strenth from the mormon ettmessages (lifting burdens, the brightness of hope, hope you know I am having a hard time). Find something that will give you hope. The messages did the triack for me every time, I would ball my eyes out.

Now taking each day as it comes takes on a new meaning, well that is what it did for me.

God Bless Buddy"
posted at 09:34:10 on October 6, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Give her some time    
"I would LOVE for my husband to admit what he's done. I know it would be hard to hear and very hurtful but then I think we could really move forward.
I imagine she is overwhelmed at the information. She's probably feeling betrayal of thinking you were someone and then finding out you had some secrets. I think she probably needs some time to mourn. Let her hurt, let her cry, let her be angry, depressed or whatever. Then I think she will come around as long as she can see you are wanting to get to the point you can say that it's been years since you had a slip.
Be nice to her and don't expect anything in return. Give her some space if she needs it. Don't get mad at her and tell her that she is wrong for feeling the feelings she is experiencing. There is no right way to react to this. If she has said anything hurtful, more than likely she'll apologize when she feels a little more stable and when she has developed some trust in you.
Try to be patient. I think I would cry a LOT and withdraw a bit and then I would slowly build myself back up and begin to forgive.
Just my opinion,
posted at 09:29:31 on October 10, 2010 by ClnginToHope
I want to write    
"I want to journal, I want to write, I want to share.

Those things have always helped so much.

I can't now. Things are just too bad. Awful things. I am doing fine. I am not relapsing. I just can't share the things that are happening to me.

Just keep praying. I know it is helping."
posted at 12:48:50 on October 12, 2010 by lawrence
You have my prayers, Lawrence    
posted at 12:53:40 on October 12, 2010 by BeClean
Get it out - that is what kept me sane    
"I promise you will feel better because a community is there to care.
This storm does not abate after a few months, it continues and does not stop.
That is just the way it goes and you must not see time as your enemy. Time is your best friend because with time, the healing takes place, not as we like but it does take place gradually.
Awful is too lame a word, it is hell man hell I know what you are going through but your wife needs time and a new husband, you can fix the second but she decides the time.
I am not sure the storm has ended for me (10 months) but I am prepared to take whatever my wife does. I scewed up not her so she has every right to leave me. I really believed she would leave me, it was written in the stars at one point but miraculously she is still here, I cannot tell you how much I love her for that. She still cries, still hurts badly, she still says things and threatens the worst. IS THIS NORMAL, I NOW FULLY UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS. IT IS SO VERY NORMAL. I have been praying every morning and night that the Lord will heal her and help me realize what I must to help in the process. I made some errrors along the way since but my heart has wholeheartedly turned to her and her healing. That is what matters most now.

You will survive, I had some crazy suicidal thoughts but realized that would do nothing.
The hell will pass whether she stays or not. Get yourself right, be humble and tae each day as it comes. Get her to the meetings and get her to a community.

Best support for my wife has come from family and friends. Let her tell whoever she wants if that will give her the support she needs. That makes a world of difference. This helped us maybe it will help you.

God Bless Lawrence"
posted at 13:06:58 on October 12, 2010 by ruggaexpat
still struggling    
"Thanks everyone for your prayers and kind words. Things seem to be getting better. I do trust my Heavenly Father. He has always been there for me. Always."
posted at 09:19:06 on October 19, 2010 by lawrence
happy to know it is getting better    
"It is meant to get better with time"
posted at 09:32:02 on October 19, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Faith, Hope, Patience    
"Just little words really, but the reality of this little words make the universe, the expanse of the Heavens. My prayer for you Lawrence is that you will be a Prisoner of HOPE, and exercise all your faith. Even if it is only a molecule. Faith unlocks the Atonement. Faith is the facilitator. Faith gives me the confidence to carry on. Patience brings the peace, and gives us control of our Souls. She needs you to nurture her. To love her as she finds her healing powers. And you will need all the Godly attributes listed above. Pray for them."
posted at 15:07:02 on October 19, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Yeah dude    
"...i haven't seen you at class lately.? You know that's where Jesus would be (is) chillin. With the down trodden and all. Take some pride in that shee bra! ;) See you thursday hopefully."
posted at 16:42:38 on October 19, 2010 by They Speak

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"My brethren who are caught in this addiction or troubled by this temptation, there is a way. Don’t accommodate any degree of temptation. Prevent sin and avoid having to deal with its inevitable destruction. So, turn it off! Look away! Avoid it at all costs. Direct your thoughts in wholesome paths. Please heed these warnings. Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of ography that threatens our spirituality, our marriages, and our children. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference, April 2005