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Remembering who I am
By they speak
9/22/2010 8:07:45 PM
Just got off the phone with my not quite sponser but pretty much sponser. I've sliped twice in the last month with pornography via my super phone that I sometimes wanna punch for being so rad I never get off it.

I was telling him my brain is telling me its a good idea since I had a "small slip" to turn it into a full on relaps...at least for today...I can start getting better again tomorrow.

He called me out, like I knew he would and why I was relucktant (im typing on my computer insead of swyping on my phone so spelling will suck) to contact him, and he told me what he's been telling me for weeks. Get a filter for your phone!

I asked him what he thought about this. In the past i've always been frustrated with filters becasue usually when the uneasyness and pressure gets bad enough i'll ether spend hours trying to get around the filter (which I almost get off on as much as or more then just simply acting out no resistance) or I just go get it somewhere else...and that somewhere eles is usually worse then just checkin me out some good ol fashoned internet porn like a healthy gentlemen.

It was nice to have a "minor" out let rather then left to "major" ones. Meh...its all the same for the addict. At least this one. I think as far as the corosive effect on the psychy porn is worse. I cant have sex with hundereds of "flauless women" with no other objective then to please the rock star super man within me in 6 hours or less. But I sure can at a few clicks of a button. Thats a lot of life, sinful life, packed into a few moments. And does the brain know the difference? Maybe thats just my expirience but everything I ever did in real life never seemed to destroy my ability to think and conect or numb and darken my spirit like porn...and I've done some pretty awful things. I degress.

In the end (well the end prior to this new begining here in recovery where im at now) I just concluded the problem was in my heart and nothing, no barrier or boundry could stop me from getting what I want so why bother??

He said for him he's had to make it so inconveinient for himself he doesn't even try. But I'm a wiley son of bitch doesn't he see? Ill get around it with a devilish satisfaction you may almost confuse with a job well done. Inconvenience equals a challenge that calls to my pride and more then that it calls to my "what is this 'boundry' keeping me from intrigue?" "what am I missing?" Like JustJohn says "he's addicted to the woman he almost saw" Im addicted to the woman perpetually around the corner...just out of sight...but I can imagin. The hunt is better then the kill. (im not a rapist...knock on wood. Just incase Im giving the wrong impression. Not that one should be ashamed here. Just sayin. Im not)

On top of that and maybe at this point quite a bit more I don't want to be restricted. I want freedom. How dare I be cracked down on?! Suffocated. And everypart of me wants to fight against the notion.

I mentioned this to him and he said "well...i guess your not threw step 2, and 3 yet are you?" I was thinking the same thing. The only thing that helps is I know what ever I have to got threw to recover could not be as bad as where I've been...and I want to stay away from that.

When I got off the phone with him I think I felt the spirit teach me. Now as I write its kindof hard to explain...as things of the spirit somtimes are. But, it came to me that its not just pride and the nature of kicking against the pricks that causes me to want to fight boundry seting. It's a failur to remember who I am. Step one. Adam fell. I'm an addict. If i'm humble in recognition of this, rather then living in a sort of chosen unconscience stuper of thought-im a good whole kinda guy denial, taking on the Lords bondage will make sense and free me behond any "women with the golden hair" or self will ever could have.

I also am starting to feel the ugly truth of "in order to recover I have to suffer". This is gonna suck. But thats the beauty of rock bottom for me. I dare recovery to be shittyer! I hope I alway remember that or like the white book says "im likely to go right back out there and lust like a gentlemen"

Comments:

Speak    
"I need a cell phone for work, I really do but I cannot and will not get one. There are many reasons why I will not but I must say there is one reason why I cannot. If I had a smart phone I am confident I will not fall but if I had the phone mobility I CAN fall. Massive difference there so I am just going to have to deal with inconvenience and miss the goodness the phones provide.

You are doing well buddy.
Check the difference between your first posts to now."
posted at 20:26:41 on September 22, 2010 by ruggaexpat
and    
"Just forgot to say no need to do as I do. Just wanted the post to communicate that we got to make tough choices to get through with as little crap on us as possible."
posted at 20:30:33 on September 22, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Thanks, They Speak    
"I loved your post. Refreshingly honest and open. We have felt those thoughts in the past. You are not alone.

I had to smile and almost laugh at this part:

"On top of that and maybe at this point quite a bit more I don't want to be restricted. I want freedom. How dare I be cracked down on?! Suffocated. And everypart of me wants to fight against the notion."

Isn't that just like Satan, to twist things up like that and tell us God's rules are a "restriction" of our freedom? Lucifer tells us that God is "cracking down" on us, "suffocating" us.

But think, before Lucifer came, Adam and Eve were in the Garden, FREE to eat from ANY tree except one--no, wait, they were FREE to eat even that one. They were free to eat them all.

Then, when they elected to follow Lucifer, they found themselves cast out of the Garden, unable to eat from ANY of the trees of the Garden. Now, they were forced to live in a fallen, dreary, lonely, and unfruitful world, where they had to eat by the sweat of their brow.

Does that sound like freedom to you? :) What a deceiver Lucifer is.

We are not free when we view porn. We are not free when we follow our lusts. We are trapped. We are restricted and suffocated. We cannot even choose joy and peace. Those fruits are not on our menu.

Tell Lucifer you know him now. You may have fallen for his tricks in the past, but you recognize him now for what he is--a lying looser cast out of Father's presence. We want to return to that loving presence, where we are truly free to eat the best fruits..."
posted at 20:40:53 on September 22, 2010 by BeClean
Beclean, I usually give you crap...    
"but that was a really great point."
posted at 21:13:28 on September 22, 2010 by Anonymous
You precious wife    
"They Speak,

Not tryin to be too hard, but how long do you think your wife can hold on? Every slip hurts her to the core. You may say, but I did not tell her, or she doesen't know. Oh, she knows, and may even think herself crazy.

Please get serious with your salvation. You are damaging your family more than you know. Is it really worth having a cell phone with the internet?

Your wife could wake up one day and decide that she is better off without the lies. That will be the day you hit rock bottom. Is that what you really think needs to happen?

When you are ready to give it all to Christ, then you will never be the same again.

Not trying to be unkind in any way, I am just hoping you will not have to lose everything, because that will be a pain you cannot imagine.

I am hoping and praying for you. Please give everything up to know Christ. It seems so hard but it is really very simple. It is all worth it in the end.

“Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you” (Jacob 2:35)."
posted at 21:54:48 on September 22, 2010 by Anonymous
You precious wife    
"They Speak,

Not tryin to be too hard, but how long do you think your wife can hold on? Every slip hurts her to the core. You may say, but I did not tell her, or she doesen't know. Oh, she knows, and may even think herself crazy.

Please get serious with your salvation. You are damaging your family more than you know. Is it really worth having a cell phone with the internet?

Your wife could wake up one day and decide that she is better off without the lies. That will be the day you hit rock bottom. Is that what you really think needs to happen?

When you are ready to give it all to Christ, then you will never be the same again.

Not trying to be unkind in any way, I am just hoping you will not have to lose everything, because that will be a pain you cannot imagine.

I am hoping and praying for you. Please give everything up to know Christ. It seems so hard but it is really very simple. It is all worth it in the end.

“Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you” (Jacob 2:35)."
posted at 00:19:46 on September 23, 2010 by Anonymous
I'm not sure    
"...how long she can hold on. That's between her and the Lord. My business is to recover regardless of what they decide. My one consolation is I know its they and not her alone that would consider the matter. Her and Jesus are pretty tight.

And she does know. I told her, and talked to her about getting a filter. Maybe while explaining what a wretched man I am I failed to mention or imply that it was never not my intention to not fix the phone problem. Net nanny will be on my phone tomorrow (we don't have internet at home so we have to go to a coffee shop for wifi so we can down load it to my computer and then to my phone or id have it already)

But, you must not know me very well because 2 slips in five weeks could only be possible by taking my salvation serious. Seriously. Ask Beclean or Rugg. This dirt bag ain't enjoying any sobriety at nothing short of miracles. Just because I don't take myself serious doesn't mean I'm not taking my salvation serious. I'm headed in the right direction and with the Savoir that puts me right where I need to be. Do I need to do better? Always! But that's what this post was all about. Doing better by remembering where I'm at or who I am as an addict (step 1). Or did I miss something?

Also, no that (wife leaving) won't be my rock bottom. Like I said I've hit rock bottom. Sorry I find it presumptuous when I state having hit rock bottom, something I never understood till I hit it, and someone suggesting they know what it actually will be for me. Being divorced from my God and fulfilling all my wildest, to plausible for comfort, miserable fears was my rock bottom. Though I never felt totally divorced. I couldn't quit come up with the official bill, Isaiah 50, though I tried and tried. Not only that but, ironically, what I really consider rock bottom for me...was what it took to get me to finally work steps 1 2 3, understand ether 12:27, like Paul and Nephi glory in my weakness, except the fall that I could except the atonement. My wife leaving would not, could not, make me take those things any more serious then I'm taking them now.

I guess I'm just confused what your saying? Maybe before I spoke I should have asked what in my post or preveous posts impressed you to reply as you did? I don't think you were harsh at all by the way so don't worry about that. Let me have it! Please."
posted at 01:46:12 on September 23, 2010 by They Speak
Just reread my original post    
"I can see why someone would say what you did about me needing to get serious about my salvation. I'm guessing your not the addict but a wife? I think the reason beclean and ruggs responses are optimistic is cause they can relate and recognize it as getting real with myself about "my addict" not a declaration of my true desires that I have any intention of fulfilling. Is that why you said that? Because you think those are my real desires and I sound a little overly comfortable with them? Cause nothing could be further from the truth. Otherwise I guess I'll wait for your response to fill me in cause I'm filing a little miss understood...i dont know maybe your dead on...I'd be cool with that too. The truth is the last thing that should hurts.

Sorry if my candidness seems coarse or off color but I dont think the scriptures were just using flowery language when they said after man fell he became devilish, sensual and carnal. I'm just, maybe a little too explicitly, pointing that out to myself without mentioning the other half of the story which is (step 2); I'm also son of God with devine intention and because of that threw the Christ I can realize those intentions putting off that natural, devilish, sensual carnal man. I just think we mormons, or maybe just this mormon, likes to skim over step one thinking were still good people and that's the important thing and focus on step two cause that's where the warm and fuzzys are at. And they are, the warm and fuzzys, at step two. Rightfully so. But step two in my opinion really isn't effective grace wise till I'm honest about step one. Maybe that's why I'm a little over the top. Just trying to pound that powerlessness home so step two can really pound that devilishness in me back home to where it came from...that's all I'm sayin"
posted at 02:45:31 on September 23, 2010 by They Speak
Nothing to post.    
"They Speak, I am benefiting from all of your posts. In fact, I think that I will start printing them out so that I can share them at our AR meetings.
Wow!"
posted at 05:44:23 on September 23, 2010 by migail3
Speak    
"I recon Anon wants you to get to the point where slips are over. She is right, slips are detrimental to any relationship. As I understand it is a dagger to the heart every time. Not just a small prick but a freaking brutal ripping into the flesh. It is serious stuff. I believe it is so hard for a wife reading our posts because it may be reminding them of the pain the once or are currently feeling from similar slips. I can read it and say Hosannah for Speak but there are obviously wives that are so hurt and emotionally sore that even reading an experience from someone else just hurts real bad.
It is cool to see your growth, really cool because I felt really bad for you when you first posted. Hope is restored for sure. For the wife of an addict, 2 slips is still not good enough. They deserve a full on clean hubby and they will not settle for anything less.

You know that all I know. Just reminding myself too that the poor wives are still suffering. Even Angel and Hero who have had healing for a long long time are still feeling it. That sucks and gives me a perspective beyond my own that this crap was freakishly damaging to the ones I love and loved me."
posted at 07:27:40 on September 23, 2010 by ruggaexpat
They Speak...    
"I agree with Migail3, I always appreciate your honesty and candor, and I see a great deal of progress made between now and your earlier posts. Thank you.

Rugga - We mentioned before swapping email addresses. I've finally got one set up... nesshin.pd at gmail.com. Sorry for typing it out that way, just trying to avoid the spam machines. BeClean, They Speak, Migail3, you're welcome to send an email too if you like... or not. Either way, I have been strengthened by all of your insights and the experiences you've shared and I am grateful to pseudo-know you. :)"
posted at 10:33:06 on September 23, 2010 by paul
...    
"Thanks Mig. Means a lot from a guy with 20 years of sobriety under his belt. Maybe I'm starting to get this at last

Rugg, I totally agree. I had to go back and reread my post to see how in your face it is. If I was a wife id hate my guts. I wouldn't want my wife reading all the gorey details like that...even though its the truth. I don't spare her the message however. Just the details. So I do feel for other wives reading my stuff.

On the slip note. Totally agree again. A billion percent agree. And I dont expect anyone (wife particularly) to be happy for me because I'm only kindof being a dip shiz. But that's not going to stop me from being... well to put it exact, impressed with the Lord. I don't say that to be proper I say it cause nothing else can explain it.

I know I want 100% sobriety from now untill eternity's dusk as much or more then my wife. I have felt the sting of hell for not enjoying such a thing. And most times (like 6 months ago) its made me very bitter toward God. I used to tell God if he wasn't ready and willing to promise me 10 years (i widdled it down to a general prayer for six months promising id check back in for another six when the six was up) he could pack up his plan and take a hike. And I ment it!..like an idiot. I wanted nothing otherwise. I mean hell why not just get this show on the road and give me a perfect resurrected body by this time tomorrow. And when he didn't pull threw with my plans...i was wroth and my countenance fell. I know I'm not free from the possibility of falling back into that bitterness.

But today I can honestly say one of the major biggest differences in my repentance is I finally got so utterly beat up i became willing to take Gods grace for eternity. Which exists only in this moment. One day at a time almost seems to temporal and carnally mined for me to really get what I now believe God was always asking; will you use the atonement now eternity? Nothing else matters now. I know where I need to be. I don't expect my wife or anyone else to be understanding or sympathetic to a slip. But I'm determined to not seek perfection for time but rather for eternity...which right now. No longer worried about the past or future.

I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not trying to be mr. intellectual I just don't know how else to explain it. And im starting really think that its the biggest difference in my recovery this time around. I think its one of the only reasons I'm enjoying any sobriety whatsoever. I'm not looking for the one shot cure all. Just to be saved now. And I'm out of time or I'd try and clarify how that relates and applies to slips. I guess I'll leave you to think about it."
posted at 11:13:19 on September 23, 2010 by They Speak
Cell phones    
"They Speak,

I don't know if this will help you or not, but I found that the moment I got rid of the internet on my smart phone, the whole recovery thing got a lot easier. Cell phones just make it too easy for me to act out because I can take a cell phone to almost any quiet secluded place I want, and the thought of having 24/7 access to porn at my fingertips is more than I can handle.

I have also had some trouble with computers, which is why I don't have one, even though I'm a college student. In fact, I think I'm one of the only college students I know that does not own a computer, but I know that the Lord has truly blessed me with higher grades because of my willingness to obey.

I guess my point is that we think we need to have constant access to things like computers and smart phones with the internet, but the truth is that these things are luxuries, not necessities.

If you really want to be sober, you have to be willing to make some sacrifices and lifestyle changes. I don't think God is going to give us sobriety because that would be cheating us out of a learning and growing experience. I know that taking responsibility for our own actions is hard for most addicts, but I think it's an essential part of recovery.

Best of luck to you, buddy."
posted at 11:42:22 on September 23, 2010 by ETTE


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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987