need some help
By want2bfree
9/2/2010 9:57:03 AM
I finally was brave enough to post my user name I still feel lost and feel like that there is no one out there like what i'm going thrugh with the s-sex pron and so i feel like a freak. i was the one that posted on kadaver's with no name. I know that the lord loves me but i can't stop thinking that he has just wiped his hands of me and i'm alone.

I've been on here before and have enjoyed the blogs and the up lifting stories but somewhere i got lost and now i'm not sure where to go from here. like I said before i am married and have kids, but these thoughts have been in my head since i was a kid mysef, i know that i'm not that way and i love my wife and and i know that being with a women is the right thing but i can't get those thoughts out of my head.

If anyone know the answer that i need please let me know I need help i can't do this lone anymore it is going to kill me !!!


about being alone    
"i would suggest reading Isaiah 49:13-18. Christ will never forget you, He loves you and everyone else. that is why He came to this earth and died for our sins. He came so that we could utilize the atonement. you are never alone or forgotten."
posted at 11:18:30 on September 2, 2010 by kaybee
Dear Want2B    
"You do not have to be alone. You are not alone...I do not know if you are actively seeking recovery? By actively I mean 1.) seeking recovery literature, books on sex addiction, scriptures.... 2.) going to a 12 step program,(daily if needed) 3.) getting a friend (sponsor)( someone of the same sex, not your spouse) to be accountable to daily so you can call when you are struggling.4.) Pray in the morning for recovery 5.) pray in the evening giving thanks for the help.
The best recovery reading I have run across is the FINAL FREEDOM, you can get this information from a web site Dr. Doug Weiss has been treating this addiction for 20 years and he was a former addict himself. He gives you practical information and applications with a 90% SUCCESS rate. You can download the Final Freedom book, and the 101 Freedom Exercises for Christians for immediate help. I would also recommend you order the Final Freedom DVD or CD to listen to. This is a 12 step based program so it can be a valuable asset as you go through a Addiction Recovery Program, because it is specific to your needs. He addresses YOUR specific concerns. You are alright, you will recover if you do what he advises.
My husband and I went to his 3-day Intensive Couples Therapy. Wow!!!! That was the best investment we have ever made. You know what they say, "Invest in Yourself"!!! So TRUE!
You are right this may very well Kill you and possibly your wife and children if you do not take action. Your life and health depends on your recovery and so does your wife's and children's. I have found in my life when there were changes in my behaviors that I needed to make but maybe...did not want to really let it go....if I just started to make those changes with the thought I was doing it for my family, children, spouse whom I loved more that myself, I was able to take steps I may not have been able to if I was only concerned about myself.

Dr. Weiss also has extensive literature for the Partners of addiction. Your wife will need help also. His books and literature has been a God send to me. Of course I am also attending a 12 step program for spouses, actually I am a missionary. My Savior Jesus Christ is helping me daily to forgive, deal with my anger, grief, sorrow,despair.......Dr. Weiss and the LDS ARP program has helped me to facilitate the Gift of the Atonement that is waiting for all of us to partake of.
You can do this! Get going in the right direction with the right help."
posted at 13:58:18 on September 2, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Hey man    
"I don't think I can be much help. Just one experience.

My dad (not bio but dad non the less since I was 2) is gay. I'm the only one that knows concretely in the family, unless he's confessed to anyone and I highly highly doubt that, and he doesn't know that I know.

Obviously the "gay issue" and the various contentions and opinions surrounding it has had its fair share of publicity, coffee shop discussion and church address (direct and indirect) but for me its occupied a significant amount personal concern.

One day while praying in the shower (that's where I do my thinking) I told God he's not a God of prayers. I told Him my dad has surely been praying for forty fifty plus years to be "normal" (i could explain why I know this but that's another story) and my bio dad, although a selfish guttless weakling, once prayed that drugs wouldn't destroy his family...and then my own prayers to over come had gone unanswered for over fifteen years.

As often happens I began to think about homosexuality and what an unfair lot it seems to be. Angrily talking to God about my frustrations and what a silly waisted sham this whole program seems to be and reiterating my momentary conviction that He is not a God of prayers and listing all my evidence focusing most on same sex attraction and how its impossible to "over come" etc. Then, He spoke. All I knew was that I needn't worry and "they" would be taken care of and that God was aware of their situation. And I was comforted.

I don't know if that will be any help but I know God is watching over you and my dad and our experiences will be for our good.

Something that may help. I used to go to an SA group in SLC on mondays at 7. I just went back for the first time in along time monday. Great place to go. There are ALL kinds there in that group and its kindof nice in some ways because its not church sponsored there isn't a feeling of obligation to reserve or keep anything taboo. I personally like that. People appropriately lead with their weakness and talk about how the steps make sobriety possible. The most important thing is Gods Spirit is there. I know of 2 married men (one is a member too) just like you who have chosen to be clean threw their higher power for several years. I don't think that means they are cured or any of those rare possibilities. But they are able to live a life compatible with their conscience and be happy. They don't always talk in terms of gay or straight or anything and neither would you have too if you went to an SA meeting. They usually just talk in terms of weakness and the need for God. Let me know if you want info."
posted at 13:59:51 on September 2, 2010 by They Speak
"Maybe CURE was not the right word to use... SUCCESS would have been better.
posted at 14:16:27 on September 2, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
"Saying "I don't think that means they are SUCCESSful or any of those rare possibilities" wouldn't make any sense :)

I specifically used the word cure. I believe cure like "i was gay now I'm straight" "i was addicted to lust now Im not" are rare occurrences. Most of us muddle threw life "putting off the natural man" not being cured from it. And that yes is success! Just like my homosexual friends from class enjoy."
posted at 14:30:32 on September 2, 2010 by They Speak
"Total addict moment! Theyspeak, she was referring to HER post.

Why do addicts make terrible singers?

Because every time they practice they get stuck..."Do, re, me me me me me""
posted at 14:50:48 on September 2, 2010 by Anonymous
"Yes I was referring to my post. NO Worries Mate! Your point well taken."
posted at 14:57:16 on September 2, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
anon your're a plastic idiot    
"Dumwits like you need a good refresher in plain, simple yet clean as can be language:

Bugger off you lowsy clown!!!!!!!!!!!"
posted at 15:00:25 on September 2, 2010 by ruggaexpat
"Look at the times (we posted at the same time) dick weed. I didn't even know she posted previously

p.s. I say dick weed with the most endearing meaning and all love I can muster

oh yeah, beyourhero I respect the hades out a ya. Sorry, I should a known your post seemed odd as it applied to mine."
posted at 15:19:04 on September 2, 2010 by They Speak
thank you    
"thank you so much for the words of comfort , and yes they speak i would like to have more info that would be great.
I want to know how i can get a sponser because if i feel if i have someone to talk to about it, it would better for me rather than trying to do this on my own. deep down in my heart in know that he hasn't forgot about me but my mind telling something else, and that is what is scaring to death.

thank you so much for the paryers and thoughts again i know there is some hope for me now and i can go from there."
posted at 15:29:18 on September 2, 2010 by want2bfree
I'm on it    
"Word! I'll have you the info before Cinderella's ride turns to a pumpkin (before tomorrow). This may be helpful to me also in giving me the chutzpah to talk to my old man about it. I'm just not sure he wants to. You ever seen Brokeback Mountain? There is a scene the morning after the two main characters discover the fire. They are sitting on a hill over look the scenery in silence. Then one of them pipes up and slowly says in deep cowboy drawl "I ain't no queer..." "...Me neither." says the other. That's my dad. Not sure how to handle it. I mainly just want him to know I don't really care and he's still loved the same. Cause I think he really believes, and fears, his family would reject him. Not true."
posted at 18:11:21 on September 2, 2010 by They Speak
"....a few hours late but I got the info however I left it in my car and now I'm half dead asleep in my pj's and bed. But kinda crazy how I came across the info. Somebody wants you at those meetings dude. Ill fill you in when Im not hallucinating about pink elephants and popeye the sailor man i.e. ultra sleepy. Just didn't want you to think in the middle of singin my doe ray me me's I forgot"
posted at 04:37:17 on September 3, 2010 by They Speak
"thank for your help"
posted at 07:50:35 on September 3, 2010 by want2bfree
comment from an experienced LCSW    
"Many people think sexuality is either your this way or your that way but in all reality sexuality has a a large scale. For example one might not feel like they are "gay" because thehy really like and enjoy the opposite sex but they may find a few guys attractive or get guy crushes. Girls get girl crushes too. There are different shades to sexuality most people especially in the mormon culture consider it taboo to talk about and therefore other people who may have feelings for the same sex are afraid to admit it or discuss it because they do not want the label of being gay. It is normal however to at some time in your life find someone of the same sex attractive whether it be looks, personality, abilities ect. It all goes back to how much time we spend thinking about it, our thoughts determine our actions. If you can control your thoughts then you can control your actions. If you dont believe me about the whole same gender crushes just start talking about it and you will be suprised to see just how many people you know have had a crush.

It is not your behavior that defines you as a person but rather how you think and how you feel about those behaviors."
posted at 11:04:25 on September 3, 2010 by Anonymous
"Mon 6pm to 730pm. 4800 S. 500 W. (we think its 500 west. Not a hundred percent. I can shoot ya my phone number or something so you don't get lost. God knows its gonna be hard enough to show up your first time WITH the confidence of knowing your walking in the right place ;)

Saturday 830am 945am IHC employee center. Get off at 53rd turn right at the light about 2 blocks down on the right.

I haven't been to the saturday one. In fact didn't even know about it till last night. Ya know the member I was telling you about that you may relate with? Ha! I had dinner with him last night and before that I couldn't even remember his name nor had I seen him in 8 months or so. To be honest I only had a hunch he was mormon. And when I walked in a random ldsar group last night about forty minutes north of the SA group i attend and saw him sitting there I about started lol-ing. He probly thought I was big ol weirdoe with that huge grin on my face cause he didn't recognize me. And what's more significant is after I offered you the info I remembered the info on the web site is not correct and didn't know how I was going to get it to you sooner then monday. Obviously, I woulda got it sooner or latter but I don't think any of this was an accident for you or me (turns out i really benefited by talking to that guy too) Your ready man. Take courage. We'll see you there.

My number if you need help finding it or someone to tell you to quit being a wuss and come to group is 801 698 5503 <--i suppose if anyone knows my number on here the cats outta the ol bag. Guess its all gonna get yelled from the house tops anyway. I was gonna give my e mail but thats my full name. Ha!...not funny ;)"
posted at 13:31:59 on September 3, 2010 by They Speak
Do you kiss your mom with that mouth?    
"...and the common theme in your profanity seems to be male genitalia. What's up with that?"
posted at 13:43:17 on September 3, 2010 by Anonymous
Please forgive me. Had a lapse in judgement    
"I don't want you to have to struggle with a resentment all day.

(When you post anonymously you can't delete it)"
posted at 13:49:18 on September 3, 2010 by Anonymous
Forgiven bra    
"Im no Nephi but "frankly" fo-get aboud it your forgiven. You'd do the same for me. And don't worry bout my resentment. I'm cool as James Brown on a Montana's morning in fall."
posted at 16:15:51 on September 3, 2010 by They Speak
Hey want2befree    
"I'm probly gonna hit up that meeting tomorrow just so you know. Oh and just a clarification I wouldn't call you a wuss if you vacillate about going. I'd call you normal and be there for encouragment and support if you want it. My name is Cody by the way."
posted at 21:30:13 on September 3, 2010 by They Speak
Desired to be free/ I am free.    
"W/out trying to sound like a memorized sound bite, Been There- Done That. I have been free from Porn Surfing and Viewing since 1992.
Have I had encounters with Porn since that time? If I said no I would be lying.
I just choose to not participate. Sometimes it's like the Tractor Beam on the Death Star. It just pulls you in.
This happens with thoughts as well. These thoughts sometimes come from those neurons that were programed so long ago- all the way back to my childhood and adolescence and these thoughts get reinforced by acting on them- Pornographic pictures, Nudist Camp Magazines, a neighborhood boy who was gay and wanted me to sleep over. Thank Heaven I went home that night.
There were thoughts that came from living a life without the Gospel to guide me.
When I found the Book of Mormon, the first "WITNESS" that it was true came to me when I read and re read Alma 32. I learned that all I needed was a DESIRE to believe and so I planted the seed of faith. Later on when I read Alma 37 to 42, especially Alma's counsel to His son Corianton, in Alma 39: 3,4, and vs. 9
"Now my son,I would that ye should repent and forsake your sins, and go no more after the LUSTS OF YOUR EYES, but cross yourself in all of these things...."
Sounds to me like Corianton had a full blown Sexual Addiction.
Read and ponder these chapters and imagine that Alma is your dad having that conversation with you that you never had.

And the post given above by the LCSW (I am assuming a licensed social worker) take that message seriously. It is normal to have "feelings" that may involve the opposite or the same sex. The range of feelings are as wide as the universe. Just because I have been clean and sober from SA since the early 90's does not mean that they will never happen to me again. In fact, just today, I was home alone, the sun was shining and our completely private and fenced back yard seemed to say to me - "it would be fun to lay out in the sun for a while. Before I knew it, those old neurons were activated and I started to embellish the thought. This is where the THRILL AND FANTASIZING kicks. It's like being at the Kentucky Derby- "And There Off and Running."
I immediately found a private place to pour out my soul to my Heavenly Father and ask for His help. I then sang the hymn Oh My Father, Thou That Dwellest In the High And Holy Place". I felt strengthened and transforming power of the Holy Ghost rush over me. He heard my prayer. I expressed thankfulness for the fact my Heavenly Father was not a Gay Man or a Womanizer or a Porn Addict. He is my Father, My Role Model, Someone that I can trust, Someone who shows me how to be a real man. My Father Emposers me and has Endowed me with real power to overcome.

Your Desire to Be Free is your passport to a life of True Freedom.

You won't get "tough guy" gen x' hype and fluff rhetoric from me. Nor will the answer to your prayers be passive and soft. The Lord can and will make you free.
Read Matthew 11:28,29, commit it to memory and also add a few hymns to your memory banks.

Want2BeFREE, I am your brother in Christ. till we write again

Ponder this:"
posted at 22:19:53 on September 3, 2010 by migail3
They Speak--You Rock    
"I think it is awesome that you are so willing to be open about who you are to help others here. Way to go!

Want2BFree--Best wishes to you. I also suffer from Sexual Addiction--it has haunted me for many years. One of the hardest things I ever did was to go to my first recovery meeting. I stood in the hallway forever and finally walked in. Now it is my favorite place to be. You'll find out that we (people who have struggled with addiction) are more alike than different. I

posted at 23:29:20 on September 3, 2010 by Seekrecovery
Thanks fella's    
"Thanks Seek! It may be ugly sometimes but hey...that's step one I recon...thank heavens for step 2! But really, thank you. It means alot. Dude I've been meaning to mention on my other thread concerning your post (about receiving grace threw the words of others) being just what the Dr. ordered. I wanted scriptural/doctrinal instruction and you had it! Actually funny enough you had already talked about the same thing some time ago and I had saved it as one of my favorite posts but i forgot about it and definitely needed the refresher. Prayer and the words of Christ threw others. Thats how I unlock my saving grace.

Migail3, 1992?! I saw that in a few other posts. That's amazing man! It's guys like you that help dirty rotten beggars like me know that it's possible. Thanks for choosing Christ and letting Him manifest threw you. Seriously man, I don't think I'd be alone in saying all of us need to hear more about lengthy periods of sobriety. Also, I too love Alma 32. Kept me on a mission as a greeny :) I guess it can keep me in recovery. Good point."
posted at 00:33:19 on September 4, 2010 by They Speak
thank you and i'm still here    
"Thank you for the words of wisdom, I have struggled with this for so long that I just want to forget it . And i know that , that it isn't the right way of thinking and i have got to be positive about it , but satan is trying everything in his power to destroy me and my family. A lilttle back ground my oldest has been divorced twice and is into porn and i don't know what else . my oldest girl is starting to come out and found someone good but was married to a drug dealer before that , my 19 yr old son is on drugs and we pretty sure he is selling as well. my 20 yrold ran away from and we found her in texas and has since then told that she is gay . while all this was going on we had a lot of other things come up[ like money, loosing our home and cars and on top of that is when i told my bishop about my addictions as well as my wife. I feel that all this is because of me if I would of been a better father and husband maybe my kids would of turned out better. my wife and I are really going though some crap right now and she has found out about the ssa that i have and i think that we are going down hill fast .

I love my wife so much and have been together for 35 yrs and i don't want to lose her, but i know that i am. and as far as the meetings go I have been to them and enjoyed them I was going for about two years and know that they work but i'm so ashamed of myself that I'm not sure I could show my face there, it's been over a year now since i gone to one .
I'm going on and on and maybe not making any since, but the truth is I need some major help because there are things going through my head that i don't want there and it is scaring me to death. sorry for taking up to much time and i will go thanks again may the lord bless all of you"
posted at 11:50:17 on September 21, 2010 by want2bfree
Makes perfect sense    
"Sounds like rock bottom. That's fantastic!..if your ready to change. Dude, come to the monday or saturday meeting. Just trust me. What do you have to lose?"
posted at 13:48:11 on September 21, 2010 by They Speak
Don't give up, Want2BFree    
""...I need some major help because there are things going through my head that i don't want there and it is scaring me to death. sorry for taking up to much time..."

You have no reason to apologize, my friend. We come to this site because we care about each other, and we don't care about other people taking up our time.

I don't know what exactly is going through your head...but if you think there might be an easy way out of your many problems that involves giving up, I want you to know that it's your enemy telling you that. Don't listen to him!

There IS a way out, a way to freedom, a way to peace and happiness. It is NOT too late for these things. They come with a price, but they ARE attainable. Please listen to They Speak. Go to the meetings (with him).

"Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." I'm certain the Savior was saying that to YOU. Go to him. Run to him like a little child runs to his mommy when he's hurt. He WILL hold you, help you, and heal you. Your hurt is MUCH bigger than that of a little child, but HIS power to heal is MUCH stronger than a Mother's. He has been there. He knows what you are feeling, and he hurts with you. He wants you to come to him. Run to him!

posted at 14:23:56 on September 21, 2010 by BeClean
Who are we to Judge?    
"BFree--your writing to a bunch of have beens, been there, still trying, definitely not perfect people here. We are not the one's to pick up any stones. Please don't hesitate to post. Certainly none of us are in a position to look down on you and I imagine that is true for those at the group meetings Speak is mentioning as well. In fact we should be the ones looking up at you for having the courage to face this in-spite of all that is going on. Yesturday someone mentioned to me what Ammon said "In the strength of the Lord I can do all things". You can get through this. It is when we are the lowest that we have the opportunity to truly look for and find the savior. He loves you. As you plow forward you are in a position to really help others. So many struggle with same sex attraction. Your posts here will give others courage-and help them have acceptance of the challenges they are facing. Thank you for being here."
posted at 05:11:29 on September 24, 2010 by Seekrecovery
thank you    
"Thank you seekrecovery,

It's taken along time to say what i said because i have had this for so long and have hid it, I hope that with what i've said it will let others not hide it. Even though i haven't been with the same sex looking at pics. is just as bad, i'm at the point that i don't want to hurt my family anymore. What does anyone think about going to see a shrink for this or will they tell me it's normal

I haven't been goping to church or reading the scripitures or even prayed for a while because at this point i feel like why try , i know that this is statan tell me but i've tucked it away for long preteneded to be be this boy and man that everyone looks up to, don't get me wrong I love helping others ( and still will til i die ) but I think that somewhere i lost myeslf and don't know how to find my self. I just had a friend that I went to school with kill himself, I know i couldn't do that but sometimes i wonder if my wife and family would be better off.

But that's not an option I don't want to see my mom and family on the other side, if did I don't think that it would be good ..
I know that i just have to kick myself in the butt and quit feeling sorry for myself and do something about it but don't know where to start. I think that if there are men out there that are going thruogh the something maybe we can helpeach other and nor hide it anymore .
Again thank you for the strong messages that ya all have sent I am much feeling better just bloging here right now. May the lord bess each and everyone of you"
posted at 09:01:57 on September 24, 2010 by want2bfree
Think about shrink    
"You asked, "What does anyone think about going to see a shrink for this or will they tell me it's normal"

Just pick the shrink wisely; one you trust to help point you back to Father. LDS Family Services has shrinks that won't tell you it's normal. Or, even if they do say it's "normal" or "natural," they will still recognize that "normal" isn't always OK.

You definitely have a tough trial...Lots of them. I don't envy you, and I pray for you. Our Savior CAN set you free. I am certain of that. I once thought my desires might never change...but I see them changing, right in front of me."
posted at 09:44:24 on September 24, 2010 by BeClean
To Shrink or not to Shrink    
"Dear Brother,

I have been in and out of "shrinks" up until about 8 years ago.

I would suggest that if you decide to go to one, please be sure not to go to a "one size fits all", run of the mill family therapists. Please find one that specializes in SSA and SA.

Dr. Doug Weiss is amazing. He is a recovering SA of 22 years He is not LDS, but is very strong Christian and is located in Colorado, Beyourownhero has attended his clinic and said that his method really helped. Taking what she learned there, coupled with the LDS 12 step has helped according to her posts. I watched a special lecture he gave to college students. What he says makes perfect sense. He is helping so many to overcome all kinds of SA.

Below are some links. The first is a youtube lecture to Christian college students. Watch the first one then continue clicking on video's 2 thru 8. It is very eye opening. />
Contact his clinic

There are many more links to him thru Google.

I personally have learned more from people who have overcome and are now reaching out to others. Sometimes professionals are book learned and trained in the field and I guess that can be very helpful. However when you can find someone who is recovering and a trained specialist, that can offer a huge advantage.

Whatever you do, I would advise that you pray always. Heavenly Father will lead you. Some in our LDS culture (not the church), wrongly teach that we should not pray when we are in the midst of sin. This is a lie. I was amazed when teaching a Sunday school class for older teens, when I asked if we should pray to God if we are sinning. The answer from them was an astounding NO!. Wow, what are we teaching these kids. I know this is not what the Prophets, GAs, and scriptures teach, but somehow they are getting an incorrect message.

In Alma Chapter 37 we read, counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the cmorning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

This link is to a really good talk on prayer by Elder Nelson from 2003

and 2nd Nephi 32:8

And now, my beloved brethren, I perceive that ye ponder still in your hearts; and it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this thing. For if ye would hearken unto the aSpirit which teacheth a man to bpray ye would know that ye must cpray; for the devil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray.

Another great talk By Gene R. Cook: An Oldie from 1982, but a goodie ;) />

We may not be worthy to enter the Temple, to bless or partake of the Sacrament, but we are always worthy to pray before the Lord. He loves us and always wants to hear from us. Even in the very act of sin, cry out to him and he will draw near unto you.

We are all broken. Our Father in Heaven loves us, not because of who we are, but because of who he is.

Never give up, you are a good man. Never quit, never.

You are in my heart and prayers,

"I need someone who understands my fears, pain, despair in an intimate way. Of course my Savior is the ultimate healing source. The scriptures is the ultimate guide to recovery. That being said. Help, comes from a place of familiarity. One reason why the ARP, PASAG program is so helpful in the healing process. You are not alone. You never have to be alone. There is someone who understands and most likely has stood in the same spot you are standing in. Just different shoes. Satan is the one telling you, "you are so weird, such a looser, you have messed up everyone's lives, there is no hope, you cannot stop, you have no control, shame, shame, shame, the recording never ends the replay button is jammed and the pause button is not working. Get on your knees first. Then get going!
You can be the one leading the way for recovery in your family. Of course they will have to do their own work, but you can set the course. You need to set the course to stop this destructive cycle. You are worth it, your loved ones need you.
Our priesthood leaders tell us to get all the help we need to overcome. Therapists, recovery groups, there are many books that have been listed by others who are seeking help and recovery on this site. "He Restoreth My Soul", is awesome. Check out the links Angel has posted. Dr. Weiss has been in your shoes, he has recovered, you can recover with all the help you can get...., you seek...., you use..... You can download help and not have to wait for the delivery.
Do not suffer any longer. You are loved, even when you cannot love yourself. Believe it, You are loved...
posted at 14:02:14 on September 24, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
"Im infering from your last post that maybe your not ready for a meeting so don't take this as another push. Take your time. This is just some of my story for what little it may be worth.

I just wanted to say five or so weeks ago I feel like I could relate with you a ton as I read your writing and your thoughts and so on. Read my very first post from six months ago. I haven't read it in forever but I know 5 weeks ago I wasn't in much different of a place mentally. Although, God be thanked, some of my circumstances had positively evolved to no credit of my own.

In short I came home after being separated from my wife and saw that God had been with her and that he'd answered my prayers.

After about a week and a half though I still felt like life had little meaning for me other then to meander aimlessly threw it failing miserably/pointlessly along the way. Hollow. Meaningless. Numb. Victor Frankle claimed that only those who could find meaning in their suffering were the one's able to survive the horrors of concentration camps. Well if thats true I'd say survival was unlikely for me. I thought "freak dude, look at my pointless 29 years. I got a good life and a half left at best and its over. And for what?" I heard no reply. I was empty.

I was so cynical that when I witnessed joy or felt it within myself I would, with utter disconnected sinister, say stultifyingly "this (life) is so stupid. What, a, joke. Why (feel anything)?" I didn't feel angry. Just stale and resigned. I told my wife there was no reason for anyone to feel anything about my sisters suicide a few years ago or any other death (though I knew even Jesus wept when Lazereth died). We live. We die. No reason. Dumb hilarious paltryness.

On the 31st of August at random (devine providence) I went to an SA meeting. I believe I wrote you the first time the next day. I remember looking at the ultra tall street lights on I15 south threw salt lake as I went down there and thinking, being totally convinced, this life was dumb uselessness. "What's the point?!" I was not sad...or that sad. On the outside anyone who knew me probly thought, aside from weird comments about death and this laughable sham of a life, I acted pretty well adjusted and cheerful...maybe with the occasional dash of melancholy or frustration at worst. But I felt total nothingness as I watched the lights pass me by in the late after noon sky.

During the meeting I saw no angels and heard no voices. But on the way home I was again looking at the same lights now in the evening sky as I often do. But, this time, the best way I can explain it is I felt a spark. A return to the eternal, spark (Meaning, though unexplainable! Joy. Unresisted. Surrendered to.) I've read about native americans who believed in a "spirit that moves threw all things". I believe this spirit that moves threw all things to be the Light of Christ and a radical and descriptive way of explaining/expressing it. I think its what Galileo saw in the heavens and what Einstein felt when considering the expanses of time-space and light quanta and what I witnessed in the lights august 31st north bound on I15.

At the time I didn't think much more about it then to notice the contrast. But by the time I got home I realized I was genuinely and consistently feeling "love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith". With out an accompanying intellectual/carnal minded (death) write off.

On tuesday a kid in meeting explained how the word inspire has the same latin root as respire, perspire etc meaning to breath. That meeting was a breath of life to me.

Since then I've been to eighteen meeting (i missed a week of meetings too. went to yellow stone and basked in the overwhelming light there!) in attempt to do 90 meetings in 90 days. Every one of them has been living waters to me.

Your experience will be different and your own. I've learned a lot and know God is with me. Faith is gained by hearing the testimony of others with faith. Though I'm grateful to have been able to keep a travel log here with people able to provide course corrections and encouragement I don't know that its the same as those meetings have been for me.

That's just my experience. If you get anything out of it I'm grateful. But if its all nonsense to you that's great too! Do your thing boyee. God will guide you."
posted at 15:52:59 on September 24, 2010 by They Speak
They Speak-Hero    
"Thanks for sharing in only the way you uniquly share yourself with us. I love your spirit and am so glad you made the leap into ARP.

Funny thing, even wives (or I should say especially wives) as they find themslves immersed in recovery see many of the same things you, the addict sees, only for themselves.

I believe it is calld the Atonement of Chist. Once you get a taste of it, you will never be the same again. Even when you slip or make mistakes, you are still being transformed. I think that is what I was fearing all along. I was (and sometimes still am) in pain through the addictions and pain of others. I didn't love it at all. I did not want what was handed to me. But here I was dealing with it anyway. So, what was I do do with the pain, shame, guilt and ulgyness Satan had somehow sold to me? There was nothing I could do but to give it to my Savior and accept his gift.

I would have missed the miracle I am now seeing. Not the miracle I see in others. I have never had a problem recognizing miracles all around me. This time it was the miracle in me.

There are no words to explain what I mean about the miracle in me. It is something I am personally experiencing.

I love ARP. I love the women I have met. I love how I do not have to hide anymore, live in shame anymore, feel alone anymore.

Thanks Speak, for your honest and sometiimes down right weird posts. And, just to think, if you did not make recovery a part of your life, you would be here entertaining and inspiring us all. Bless you.

Sister Hero, I love you! Thanks for lighting the path for so many.

We are on a most excellent adventure.

posted at 19:32:50 on September 24, 2010 by angelmom
They Speak-Hero    
"Thanks for sharing in only the way you uniquly share yourself with us. I love your spirit and am so glad you made the leap into ARP.

Funny thing, even wives (or I should say especially wives) as they find themslves immersed in recovery see many of the same things you, the addict sees, only for themselves.

I believe it is calld the Atonement of Chist. Once you get a taste of it, you will never be the same again. Even when you slip or make mistakes, you are still being transformed. I think that is what I was fearing all along. I was (and sometimes still am) in pain through the addictions and pain of others. I didn't love it at all. I did not want what was handed to me. But here I was dealing with it anyway. So, what was I do do with the pain, shame, guilt and ulgyness Satan had somehow sold to me? There was nothing I could do but to give it to my Savior and accept his gift.

I would have missed the miracle I am now seeing. Not the miracle I see in others. I have never had a problem recognizing miracles all around me. This time it was the miracle in me.

There are no words to explain what I mean about the miracle in me. It is something I am personally experiencing.

I love ARP. I love the women I have met. I love how I do not have to hide anymore, live in shame anymore, feel alone anymore.

Thanks Speak, for your honest and sometiimes down right weird posts. And, just to think, if you did not make recovery a part of your life, you would be here entertaining and inspiring us all. Bless you.

Sister Hero, I love you! Thanks for lighting the path for so many.

We are on a most excellent adventure.

posted at 19:33:20 on September 24, 2010 by angelmom

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"The solution to this problem ultimately is neither governmental nor institutional. Nor is it a question of legality. It is a matter of individual choice and commitment. Agency must be understood. The importance of the will in making crucial choices must be known. Then steps toward relief can follow."

— Russell M. Nelson