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Song of Redeeming Love
By paul
9/1/2010 3:36:28 PM
Alma 5:26 — And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?
Things have been going relatively well for me since I started down this path to recovery. I still have so far to go.

I have been praying for weeks that the Lord would "make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin" and I know that He has been with me. I have been doing very well at controlling my thoughts and actions and have honestly not felt temptation since I turned away from my sins. In fact, the thought of what I have done quite literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. How could I have not understood?

I have had improvement in other areas of my life as well. I should preface this a bit though. I have known for some time that I have a problem with honesty... I don't lie about anything big, but small stupid things that shouldn't matter, but that I'm selling my integrity for. One example would be lunch. I often take dinner left-overs to work for lunch the next day. Sometimes though, the guys at work will ask me to go with them to lunch and I give in. The problem arises when my wife asks how lunch was, I will sometimes respond that I actually had the left-overs, or just ate some fruit or something. I think I do this because I feel guilty. She has worked our entire marriage, until very recently, and in all that time, she would RARELY go out to eat. She is very budget conscious and careful with unnecessary spending. I would feel guilty for spending where she wouldn't and I would cover it up. The dumb part is, she doesn't care. So why do it? Apparently my level of integrity is just that low. I have been much more careful about this for the past several weeks and I have been, as far as I know, 100% successful. I don't think I've ever lied about anything any larger than that, with one single exception, and I guess that is why I am here.

I still have not told my wife about my pornography struggles. We've had so many touching and powerful conversations in the last months, there have been so many times I wanted to tell her, but couldn't.

Shortly after we were married she told me of a friend that divorced her husband of a few months after she caught him looking at pornography. At the time, in my addicted brain, I couldn't believe that a wife would leave her husband over that. I could understand being angry, but divorce? (I have since come to understand how serious this sin is and why she would leave. I have also found some of the reasons why I was able to justify pornography so easily. Maybe more on that later.) Either way, that thought - her friend leaving her husband - has been a big hurdle for me.

This site has also been a mixed blessing for me. I have gained so much strength from those going through this same challenge, and I have learned so much from the sisters who have been hurt. I would not be where I am now without this blessing, and I am better now than I was. However, as justified, deserved, and honest as they are, the testimonies of our hurting spouses have reinforced my fear that confession now would cost me my family. Let me be clear about this though, that fear has not made me question the necessity of confession. I know that my fears must be conquered to move on, I just... can't.

I have been maintaining my own journal outside of this blog and recently wrote about my thoughts on this matter. If I hide this pain indefinitely then I suffer for now, but I get to be with my family in this life. I will probably lose them in eternity, and that breaks my heart more than I can describe. But a confession now would likely cost me my family now AND in the eternities. So... it seems to be a lose/lose. Such is the nature of this sin.

I recognize the flaws in this line of thinking. First of all, it is selfish. This argument does not take into account the fact that my beautiful wife deserves better than a husband who keeps his sins hidden in the past, even if I am doing better now than ever before. Not to mention my children who deserve a father who is free from any guilt or remorse from a stained past. They do deserve better than me, and yet, I don't know how to face the possibility of losing them.

Secondly, my wife may decide not to leave me. I have every confidence that I will never turn back to my sins. I will do all I can to keep Him with me and to keep in remembrance the severity of the pain this causes. I will not allow myself to hurt her any more than I have. I know I cannot do that alone, but with the Lord on my side, I cannot fail. And just when I get hold of that thought, the doubt creeps back in, what if a reformation, what if my continued dependence on and trust in the Saviour to make me a new man, isn't enough for her. What if...?

Even if I do open up about all of this now, our two young children would make it very hard for us to be able to talk about anything for any length of time. They are only months old and between the two of them, we barely have time to eat in the evenings, let alone deal with anything of this magnitude.

How do you do it? Where does the strength come from? How do you forge ahead knowing that with the next (necessary) step, the ground you walk on could fall out from under you. The irony being that same step literally does that to her.

I titled this blog after the scripture I read this morning. At the time I was considering the progress I have been making and how thankful I am toward my Saviour and Redeemer. (The difference between those two roles, Saviour vs. Redeemer is something I have been studying quite a bit recently.) I love him. I love him for what he has made possible for me. I love him for the support he continually provides and that he will always provide. I have truly felt to sing the song of Redeeming Love.

And yet... here I am.

Comments:

my 2 cents    
"i know that there are some differing opinions on here about this, and although im not married, here are my thoughts. i have had a pornography problem for a long time. i have been dating a young lady since the end of my Jr year of high school (over 2 years). about 6 months ago i told her about my problem, she has enough love for me to want to help me rather than break up with me, and would also like to get married after i take care of this. i think this may be a good time for you to tell your about it, before it can hurt your wife or children any more than it already has. just the 2 cents or a 19 year old kid."
posted at 15:49:10 on September 1, 2010 by kaybee
Your're the man    
"I will comment later really want to comment on this one.

It is chow time for the family but will post soon.

Seriously good questions"
posted at 16:59:30 on September 1, 2010 by ruggaexpat
I know exactly how you feel    
"Brother,

I was where you are now. I just kept praying for a way out and finally the Lord helped me get to my bishop. He said things could never work out if I didn't tell my wife. I was on the brink of ending it all (literally) anyway, and I was so low at the time, that I actually told her the next chance I got. It has been really hard for her the last 7 months, but well worth it. Pray for the strength to do what you know is right.

Statistics don't always help, but I read that 90% or so of women who first learn about their husbands porn addiction consider leaving, or kicking him out. They get over it and a very small percentage ever do, and most of those are where the woman discovered the problem and the man was unwilling to change or stop in any way. You have the advantage that you are willing to change and (am I right) she didn't catch you. You are going to her in all honesty.

Are you working the 12 steps in recovery meetings? That has been a big help to both of us. She goes in the room with the girls, and I go in the room with the guys. We have grown so much. Our bishop has helped us so much. Things aren't perfect, but things are better than they ever were before.

I will remember you in my prayers."
posted at 17:43:30 on September 1, 2010 by lawrence
The Lord will not let you keep the Secret!    
"My husband kept his secrets for 4 decades. The Lord inflicted many opportunities for repentance. The Lord put him in positions to help him learn and understand the workings of the Gospel. Then one day the Lord had enough.... The Lord revealed them to me. My husband still tried to keep secrets..... No way! The Lord gave me the gift of discernment.

You may think you will be able to keep this secret from your wife. (That is what Satan is telling you) She knows something is wrong believe me. Her instincts are talking to her. She is praying for both of you. Something is not right? Your children are praying... They know something is not right?? The Lord is hoping you will do what is right to heal yourself and your family. Do not make your children suffer the consequences of your actions. The Lord tells us in the scriptures that the Sins of the Fathers (and mothers) will be put upon the heads the children for generations!!! He cannot interfere with your agency. Honesty! Total Honesty! Nothing else will allow you to heal. SECRETS ARE WHAT MAKE FAMILIES SICK!!!! The Lord will not allow you to deceive his Daughter. Remember he is your Heavenly Father in Law. Do not let the Lord confound you to righteousness. It is not Pretty that way. She will heal so much faster if you are honest and disclose your discretion's to her. If she has to discover it..... the road to recovery and forgiveness is ruff-err and harder and longer...... She Loves you, she has had your children, her family and that relationship is most important above all else to her. Women are TIGERS when it comes to defending their families. Be her HERO!!! Tell her the truth...Your marriage and your family can be the perfect picture you are trying to protect. Have the real Picture!!! The Savior will help you and your wife and your family!!"
posted at 18:35:44 on September 1, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Paul you are way ahead of the pack    
"I was not able to do what you have accomplished in the last few months. That only came after C-Day.

Who knows perhaps one day after we have crossed the pearly gates we will be sitting down as mates comparing stories about who's wife threw the framed family proclamation the further-est across the house OR the most pieces our temple sealing certificates were torn into. Jokes aside.

Good to know you know what to do.

My wife has taken an absolute soul beating but she is still there. You are working hard and if ever any wife needs to know how hard it is to approach C-Day, you could not have detailed the build up better. You brought me back to a seriously scary place but that is the good news for you, it does not and cannot get scarier than that. It only gets better (though as you read today there are tough times ahead).

You know I really click with your writing and we have very similar stories so if you ever need extra help off this site we can send unique emails and set something up. Your wife is in for hell but I have seen my wife heal a bit though she would not admit it. Heal from real direct anger to grieving anger and that is a real change. I love her so much for that change. We can talk we can forget for a couple hours now compared to continuous contention. It gets better but be ready for a rough period.

You know do not take my word for it as it may not happen as mine has. The Lord is merciful and I really think Hero is on something there when she says that the misses feels something. If the Lord is merciful he will not forget the hard work you are doing now, it is documented not just here but in the big book. He may have already been preparing your wife for the invasion. You never no but you are definitely in a better position than was.

It already sounds that the spirit is back in your home and that is a difference on its own. If she is feeling it more than ever she will have a softer heart for the sinner than my dear wife's because you are so sensitive to her needs. I had none of the above in place so my wife was like You say you love me but you are not clean, you say you love me but you have not done anything for our relationship, you say you love me and you cannot even kiss me goodnight etc... That might all be stacked in your favor.

Do not let the adversary play mind games with you for too long as then you could fall and spiral downward from there. I bet they are working on your mind double time. Just be strong Paul, do what is right and let the consequence follow.

You are a good guy, good heart and repentance is real for everyone to see.

Hang in there."
posted at 19:30:08 on September 1, 2010 by ruggaexpat
It is time to make a hard decision.    
"Paul,

I have been in your situation and then I fell extremely hard into sins more damaging than just pornography. The bottom line in my opinion (I am not an expert and don't pretend to be) is that you are better off telling your wife than to keep on hiding your sins. There are a couple of reasons why I say this. First and the most important was the question that my wife posed to me after I confessed to her my worst sins. She asked my why I didn't tell her about my problem before it got out of hand. She claims that she was willing to work with me and I didn't have to go all of the years that I went alone. Second, after you have committed a sin as serious as pornography and you don't tell your wife you allow a spirit of deception to reside in the house which you may not feel, but she does and she will begin to try and find out why she feels something different in the house. I only say these things because I have lived them and I have heard others make the same comments. Third, confession is one of the most humbling things that you can do, especially if it is sincere. You may be shocked at how understanding your wife is because the spirit will witness to her if your confession is sincere and it may be the beginning of a closeness in your marriage like you have never had before. I pray for your success."
posted at 21:57:20 on September 1, 2010 by Broken Bird
That is Step Nine    
"You "can't" because you are just not at that step yet. The steps that come before it prepare you for it. Good luck"
posted at 22:17:44 on September 1, 2010 by Anonymous
You have no choice    
"Satan is telling you not to tell her, don't listen to him. This is a selfish act and that's what he wants you to be. She doesn't deserve that! She deserves the honest truth! I strongly feel that half of the pain comes from the sin itself and the other half is all the dishonesty and the deceiving that was going on in my marriage. I'm serious. I analyze how long he was lying to me and all the situations and it hurts so much all the lies, lies, lies. I cannot stress enough the need to be honest. You could never truly be happy in your marriage hiding this.

Before "c-day" I knew something was wrong. I kept asking my husband and he'd say he was working on his testimony. It was so vague and I was worried he was going inactive or something. I knew he wasn't worthy. I wanted to badly to ask for a blessing the day our baby was born, but I knew he wasn't worthy. What I'm trying to say is that she probably already knows something is off. I even was guessing what the problem was and pornography was one of my suspicions.

I continued to ask over a period of months. During this time my husband was trying to get the nerve to confess. Finally one day I had a sick, sick feeling to my stomach. I knew that this was the day...every time I thought about what I would find out, I felt sick. I believe this was the Spirit trying to prepare me. Yet, I'd rather know than be in the dark. That night, I asked my husband one last time what was wrong and he finally told. I felt all the feelings the wives have described on this site, it is pure hell. Yet, I was also relieved to finally know what the problem was and I knew we could work through this problem together! I was so relieved to finally have the truth revealed. I'm not saying I wasn't angry, hurt, humiliated, etc. But, at least I wasn't living in the dark anymore.
We had a newborn when my husband confessed and amazingly enough he slept through the night that entire night. I hope I don't sound rude or inconsiderate, but using the babies might just be an excuse or reason to delay telling her. You're never going to find the ideal or right time, never!

My husband later told me how much better he felt after he told me, you, too can start feeling the relief as soon as you tell her. Although, the consequences are unbearable they are the consequences that you have to face, you can't choose them.

I later asked my husband what gave him the courage to confess. He said ultimately he knew he might lose me and the kids, but he was worried about his personal salvation and that was his ultimate motivation.

I pray you find the courage and strength to tell your wife. You can do it! Don't let Satan tell you otherwise. I can tell already how hard you are trying, she'll recognize this too. Hopefully, the spirit will help her through this and know that you are sincere in your confessions. Good luck to you."
posted at 00:40:24 on September 2, 2010 by time2heal
Community    
"Thank you to everyone for your comments. It always helps to know that others have been where I am and have made it through.

Hero,

I want to clarify my statements from up above. When I wrote about not telling them and suffering through life, I was only trying to explain some of the thoughts going through my mind recently. I know that confession is necessary for everyone involved and will, without question, move forward soon. I can't reconcile my need to get over this with a desire for a calm and easy future. The only way through is total honesty.

I thank you for your input and sharing your experience. I especially like thinking of Heavenly Father as her Heavenly Father-In-Law. I know what needs to happen, and I will go through with it.

Ruggaexpat,

Like I said, it helps to know others have survived this and are making progress, especially since our histories are so similar. Thank you for your encouragment. It REALLY helps make this feel possible. Exchanging emails may be a good idea, I'll have to get one set up.

BrokenBird, Time2Heal,

I have prayed for weeks that when C-Day does come my wife will be able to see this as something we can overcome together the way that you (Time) and your wife (Bird) responded. I would give anything for a reassurance that that would be her view. My prayers on the subject haven't been too encouraging, but I generally feel sick just thinking about this, which means I would have a hard time feeling any still, small, promptings or feelings of peace.

Maybe I need to think/pray about this more objectively. When I approach the Lord in fear of losing my family, that single thought occupies the total prayer. If I could approach him and focus on getting myself clean as the priority, maybe I could separate the action from her response. I don't know. I may just be rambling.

I just re-read your post Time, and started thinking. Your husband was worried about losing you, but was more concerned with his own salvation. I think that's what I'm trying to get it by saying I need to be more objective. If I'm honest with myself, my primary motivation has been my family, not my own salvation. In other words, and it may sound odd, I want to be with my family for now and eternity. If salvation and exaltation is what it takes to make that happen then thats what I'll do... and wow. That does feel a bit odd, but that honestly feels like the truth.

I've got some soul searching to do, I'm not sure if this means my priorities are out of whack or if this is common.

Thank you all again. C-Day is coming."
posted at 13:08:10 on September 2, 2010 by paul
Steps    
"I might stand alone here Paul but anon has given the wrong advice.

How anon are you:

step1 Honest

step2 turely hopeful

step3 truely trusting in God

step4 accountable/truthful

If you are still a fake in the home??

No way man the steps are not a linear progression and only blueprint.

Paul is ready as ever and he must know it, he is just crapping in his pants out of fear.

Excuse the expression but that is how hellfully scarey it is.

In my opinion nothing can prepare you for C-Day, nothing."
posted at 13:10:47 on September 2, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Paul-    
"So glad you posted what’s going on in your life. I’ve been wondering about you.

Dude…I sympathize with ya. I totally get why it’s hard to get to the “C-day”. I never had one of those (a confession from my spouse). Wow just typing that made my heart race a little and tears come to my eyes. I was one of the ladies that had to find out…I had to see things that I never wanted to see. How much I wish my husband would have come to me…spared me these images. Not only did I find things…but my husband was nowhere near ready to repent…it continued, things kept coming up…and I lost a lot of myself in the process. You are already so many steps ahead of where my husband was in the beginning. Having a “C-day” is so different for a wife of an addict…you get a companion who is sorry and wants to make amends. Trust will definitely be an issue you will need to work on to fix your marriage. You will trust yourself (I’m pretty sure you already do, good for you!) first…But getting her to trust you is the hard part. Every ounce of truth you give to her…will bring you closer and closer to the end result you want. The confession will be the biggest trust building item in fixing your relationship…and yes it will be the most painful as well.

When I first read your post I was thinking you might not be planning on telling your wife…but then I read a comment of yours on this same thread, I get that you were just explaining the thought process in your head. So what I have to say may be totally useless to you but I just throw it out there, maybe there is someone else who is struggling with the decision to tell their spouse or not. I believe that my husband was being very controlling over me when he decided to live a double life, and then lie to me about it. He made the decision to be unfaithful…but then took away my decision to decide if I wanted to live in a home like this. As soon as he made the decision to be unfaithful…I was owed the truth…whether I stayed in the marriage or left. My husband has said he didn’t know if I would leave him, so he was scared to tell me…how controlling is that?...I had “cancer” in my marriage, but didn’t even know. I’m so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who KNEW I needed to know in this life. We still have to work though things in the next life, and we have been told that this life is the time to take care of our issues. Fair or not…when a spouse cheats, the other spouse has a process that they have to go through. Mine has included anger, anger to such a degree I have felt unworthy to have a temple recommend. I still have yet to get my recommend back. How horrible would it have been for me to die and find out that my life was a sham? I think I would have been pretty angry...so much so that if there was a “heavenly mental hospital”, I would have to be a patient. But I am working though this pain in this life…and I am very close to being able to attend the temple, without a chip on my shoulder. :)

I know that it has been said but…Help her heal!! Hold her as long as it takes!! She will begin to trust that you have her back if you do this. It might be a good idea to line up a marriage counselor, a bishops meeting as a couple, do some research into books that might help her, they have a “loved ones workbook”…might be a good idea to be a part of that process, if you feel you can…tell her about this site, let her know you will do whatever it takes to make her comfortable. These are just some of my suggestions, things that might have helped me.

LAWRENCE put some statistics on this thread…I am on the end where most wife leave. And I am still here. And I will continue to be here…as long as my husband is honest. Don’t let others situations scare you from doing what you know is right.

You can do this Paul! We are here for you. You are our brother…your sweet wife is our sister…we want you to succeed. "
posted at 18:55:22 on September 2, 2010 by summer
Oh my gosh Summer    
"I just had an AHA moment again reading your stuff.

I do not know who you are but you have only good stuff that flows from your heart.

Control, I never thought about my actions that way. I can see what a skniving and manipulative prick I proved to be (though I know those motives to control and manipulate were never mine consciously). But it really is a harsh form of control.

See I knew my wife would leave, I believed that wholeheartedly and keeping her in the dark knowingly was so wicked a thing to do. Oh my Gosh I feel like crap and I feel I have to sit her down again for the umpteenth time and apologize. What a mess!

There were times in the beginning that I was hoping after a couple weeks my wife would see the bravery in my confession. This adds to the logic again as to why she and you and others just want to see us dissolve. This is enlightening for me.

Thanks"
posted at 19:17:29 on September 2, 2010 by ruggaexpat
You're right, rugga    
"The 12 Steps ARE a blueprint. But they MUST be done in order. We don't know HOW to make amends properly until we've gone through the grueling self-discovery of Steps Four and Five. The 12 Steps are ABSOLUTELY linear. It is dangerous to suggest anything else! Yes, you can be prepared for, c-day, as you call it. This is not my casual theory. It is how to work a program properly. The only exception would be if you are not an addict, then confess right away. If you ARE an addict, work the program like the rest of the successful recovering addicts have. Working the Steps out of order is just really bad advice."
posted at 19:23:18 on September 2, 2010 by Anonymous
What good is confession...    
"when there is no foundation of recovery behind it. Premature confession may make US feel better but if it's not accompanied by the HOPE that comes with the knowledge that one is rigorously working a program it is just, yet another confession, and probably not the last one."
posted at 19:28:41 on September 2, 2010 by Anonymous
mmmm    
"Ok linear in what sense?

Sure there are steps and they must be complete and we are all different and have been through different experiences.

I did not follow the steps as laid out in the manual, I did not have it.

It has taken me months to properly do step 4. I consider it the second hardest step.

In that time I cannot expect my self esteem to build when I am sitting with a wife who thinks I am prophet material and jeopardizing her and my children's spiritual security. That just defeats the repentance process in my mind. My mind not necessarily others'.

I am talking from my experience and mind. Spit at it if you wish I really don't mind.

I have worked the steps in order since I got the book. I decided to do whatever it takes and getting the book and not missing meetings was fundamental. Difference though was that was after C-Day. The program was the Juice I needed to heal and then get right to help my suffering wife.

I was not meant to wait a few weeks. Think about it, Honey why are you going out every tuesday night, um well sweety I have a business meeting that always ends so late, love you bye. Then later on when I enter the door honey how was the meeting, lie after lie after lie, even after a meeting. No man does not make sense now does it. For me to get to the meetings it would mean hiding (is the Lord about hiding no man he is not).

I would have to hide my briefcase with the book, or hide the book, hide any trace of the recovery like I would porn. Just does not sound truthful to me.

Confess, get the damn thing out of the way, then do the steps in all honesty, that is how I did it, not sure if I am alone but I just could not take the lies anymore just could not.

To answer the final question, What good is confession without foundation of recovery, well finally truth is revealed, loved ones are freed and real recovery begins and step one takes on a whole new meaning as do the next 11 as step 5 is history. My recovery was useless without full confession.

It is about working the program and the steps are a guide. I could have done it the linear way but then that would have meant that only now I would be yelping for urgent help to calm a scary situation.

But you right the steps are the steps and if people want to do it by the book all power to them"
posted at 20:00:47 on September 2, 2010 by ruggaexpat
I was rampling there    
"Just to say the steps are key and with or without the manual, they are a fantastic guide for applying the atonement."
posted at 20:18:24 on September 2, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Just tell her    
"Be your own hero is right!! Somehow the Lord will let her know... to think about it, I have never been happy in the marriage. I always knew something was wrong, thou I did not know what. Years went by, children too.. and I was more and more unhappy. and then I prayed, and told Heavenly father I was drowning and he needed to let me know why the marriage was drowning, I've never prayed like that and he confessed two days after!!! He still has no idea what made him confessed that day. I asked a very ordinary question and that day was just the day. He tells me he had been wanting to tell me for over a year...I know it could have lasted a lifetime if my Heavenly father did not have enough of seeing me being deceived. He had to intervene and he did. don't wait longer, the lies.. they keep you on Satan's territory... get out of there quickly.... get out of his influence... The spirit is still striving with you. The more you delay, the harder it is going to be... Deliver yourself, your poor wife and your family.. do not wait!!!!!!! If my husband had mustered the courage when our children were babies.. that would have been easier for me. Because now, there is their broken heart as well to deal with... (they do not know that there is porn, but they know that something is extremely wrong, and they are scared....) that adds to my frustration and my hurt is to see them hurt. They have unfortunately seen me crying uncontrolably, depressed, as much as I tried to control myself... I have not always been able to do it.
SO the soonest the better.. ..

crushed"
posted at 22:06:20 on September 2, 2010 by Anonymous
Rugga    
"Hmmmnn, Ok, What you said makes sense. I hadn't thought about it that way before. I think you may be right."
posted at 01:27:16 on September 3, 2010 by Anonymous
Kick Start    
"When I told my wife and bishop, that is when recovery began, and not before. I have made strides through my Savior that never would have been possible without shining the Light into my relationship. Painful? Yes, more than anything. Useful and necessary? Absolutely. I need the Light every day now and fortunately it is available because of honesty. I am thankful for Jesus Christ; He is the Light."
posted at 09:20:09 on September 3, 2010 by lawrence
Clarification-    
"Hey guys. Just want you to know…I never thought of my husband as a “kniving and manipulative prick” :) …nor do I think any of you guys that are struggling with telling your spouses’ are either. :) You’re good guys for realz! I was just pointing out that protecting someone from the truth isn’t giving them the human rights they deserve. But I understand why you do it…you are trying to protect the ones you love. I know you are not trying to take away their decisions…I was just wanting to explain it from the way it feels to have someone make your decisions for you. Oh and just so you know if I could “protect” my husband from porn, by taking away his ability access it, I might…if there was an anti-porn pill, it would be really hard for me not to crush it up into his food. :) We all try to protect those we love…but the plan is that we all get to make our own decisions.

Prayers for ya’ll

Oh and Rugga- I’ve been thinking bout your situation a bit. Some of it is a little similar to my own…I’ll meet you on your last blog. I don’t wanna hijack Paul’s."
posted at 10:47:06 on September 3, 2010 by summer
Title    
"I want to say thank you again. I will tell my wife and soon, there is no question about that. I know some of what I wrote makes it seem like I'm rationalizing keeping it a secret, but that is definitely not for me. She deserves better, and I can be better than that. I will be better.

Summer, I read on another comment of yours that you sometimes wondered why you still get on here. I have to let you know that your comments are no less than inspirational to me. I for one am glad you are here and thankful for your willingness to share your thoughts and insights. Thank you!"
posted at 13:19:13 on September 3, 2010 by paul


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"Develop discipline of self so that, more and more, you do not have to decide and redecide what you will do when you are confronted with the same temptation time and time again. You need only to decide some things once. How great a blessing it is to be free of agonizing over and over again regarding a temptation. "

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