Print
The road is long
By ruggaexpat
9/1/2010 10:20:28 AM
With many a winding turn that leads to who knows where, who knows where.......

So goes the life of good old rugga. It has been 225 days clean for all forms of evil lust. It just does not seem to get better with the misses. She just will not want me and so I write again not sure of where this will all lead and not sure of our family future. Oh my soul that is the suckiest place to be in. I know I have brought this on myself, I know that I should be prepared to let her be angry for as long as it took me to bugger her around. I know these things and I have much more from suffering sisters.

It sucks that no matter how hard I try to make up for the mess, I always get the middle finger between the eyes or told I was never her soul mate. Every night she tells me how she wants nothing to do with me. Oh bliss and paradise I have created for the family!

Is she still with me, yes and no. Physically she stays in the same home, goes to therapy (for her with me), goes to ARP meetings with me for her, goes to church with me and that is it. Spiritually she is not with me, does not pray, read or do anything with me as a couple. Just obligated to pray with the kids together.

Emotionally, not sure but have to think not much other to tell me how angry she is.
This has been a long time and it really does drain me.

I have hope for us then it is shattered, similar to what I must have done for her over the years. It sucks man so bad and I am hurting big time. She is still hurting big time AND THIS IS WHY I SAY AND WILL ALWAYS SAY NO DAUGHTER OF GOD SHOULD DEAL WITH THIS.

I really do believe this to be true and work hard to reflect that in my family but when you are not appreciated for the changes, it is so hard to keep motivated. I am in serious need of motivation because hope seems like it is not enough. When I ask for a progress report, I am told I am selfish because I am not considering her pain. Sure she may be right there and often is but I do my damndest best to recognise it.

Ladies us addicts have hearts too, we hurt too, we are on this site because we are sick and tired of the old life and want a new one. When we do our best to change don't kick us when we are down and please try hard to not kick us when we are up. We have been down for so long. WE DID NOT DO THIS TO YOU TO SPITE YOU, THIS ALMOST ALWAYS STARTED WHEN YOU WERE NONEXISTENT IN OUR LIVES. When you hurt, we hurt, when you are angry we tend to get angry not truely at you but at ourselves. When you grieve we do too even though we are emotionally retarded to correctly express it.

Just give us a chance to demonstrate our worth and I am sure that all of us on this site will stand up and be counted as that is all we are after, TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.

Comments:

You, your wife, and your family are in my prayers...    
"Ruggaexpat, I am so sorry to hear how difficult this is for you and especially for her.

I, like you, have not given in since the time I have committed to total recovery, and your writing and example have been invaluable to me. Please do not give in now. You have been doing your best to be clean and worthy, the Lord knows this and will not leave you. When things seem their darkest, take comfort in the fact the He loves you and counts you as worthy regardless of anything that has happened in the past.

You mention that your wife does not read or pray with you. Could you possibly ask her to let you pray for her? Not necessarily with her, though hopefully she would be there to hear it. Hearing someone you have cared so deeply for bare their soul and feelings to a loving Heavenly Father on their behalf is powerful. You have to let her know how deeply you care for her, love her, and hurt for her. Does your wife read your posts on this site? Does she post herself? It may help.

I don't know if I can express how badly I want things to work out for you and your family. I will pray for your now, and you will continue to be in my prayers."
posted at 11:18:28 on September 1, 2010 by paul
Thanks Paul    
"I appreciate your thoughts.

I wrote that in a very discourged state and it was straight after that that I listened the the 2 most recent mormon messages (parenting and voice of the spirit) that suddenly I felt peace again. Don't know why because I have been a lowsy father and have listened to every other voice other than he spirit in my life. But I feel better and although this is a long road, no matter what happens I can feel peace that I am clean and not sitting down expecting changes to come my way.

Would be nice if I was the prince in shining armour as opposed to the slithering dragon breathing fire and destruction.

Time is the ingredient I forget in my formulations for happy family.

Thanks buddy Prayers for you too.

How are things with you and the misses?"
posted at 11:37:33 on September 1, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Hang in there.....    
"I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. My husband and I have gone through this for most of our marriage but we've been in recovery for about a year and a half. I decided to stick around for the kids to grow up and then had my exit stategy planned. God had a different plan and now the kids are grown and we're serving as ARP missionaries.

I have been where your wife is. May I offer some ideas that helped me. One of my unhealthy characteristics that I had let go for far too long was the idea that God was somehow punishing me or that I was not very special to Him. Afterall, I had done everything right, had prayed about who I was to marry, had married him in the temple and was somehow expecting it to be my own version of happily ever after. When my returned missionary had a porn problem, it was something that I had never considered would even be a possibility in my life. How could God tell me to marry him when He knew there was a problem??? It rocked my world because I was trying to come to terms with my husband and my misunderstanding of mortality. As a result, I gave God the silent treatment. When I excluded prayer and scripture study from my life, even though I was going through the motions otherwise, I was left with a very empty and hard heart. I couldn't believe or trust my feelings, so I shut God and my husband out.

When we started going to meetings, my husband progressed faster than I did. He was trying to get into recovery and was praying and reading his scriptures. It took a while for my heart to soften enough I could join him. It was easier and safer to stay in my dark place than to come out and take a chance I'd be hurt again. I couldn't stand more pain, so I stayed where I was comfortable not really understanding that it was in the middle of a very painful place. My husband in a very gentle way explained that he'd been praying for me and was expressing how glad he was that I didn't have an addiction. But because I don't have one, I couldn't understand the pain he was in. Heavenly Father told him I did have an addiction. I was addicted to the pain. It took me a few days to start processing that information. I didn't want to hear that I was sick too. It was the beginning of my willingness to come out of the dark place and get active about recovery. I had to forgive God for giving me mortal experiences and challenges that by their very nature would bring me right back to Him!!! I didn't understand that I wasn't understanding the big picture. As I became more willing, I would join my husband in prayer. I started studying my scriptures in addition to recovery material. They both were very important. I can't exclude either and stay focused in a positive direction. Just like my husband, I need both forever too. As I became closer to Heavenly Father, I started to trust His promptings about my husband's recovery. I believed he was changing because I saw a change in his countenance that only comes through a change in Spirit. I'm willing to follow where my husband leads now because he's earned some trust back. He makes sure we get to the temple regularly and that we have family and couple prayer.

Even with all that, you'd think we'd be completely healed and living our happily ever after. Nope, but it's sure a lot better and closer than it's ever been before. I know I still have little pieces of broken things in my heart. There are still moments when I have to remind myself that I have to relearn some habits. My head and my heart both know that proper intimacy in marriage and pornography are not the same. Yet, sometimes the body remembers that it's been mixed up and hurtful before and it doesn't want to cooperate. It's getting better, but it's not better every time yet.

There are two books that have helped me. The first I read was AND THEY WERE NOT ASHAMED by Laura Brotherson. I'll warn you, there are things that made me mad. They are correct things, but I didn't want to hear them yet. Some improvement was better than where I was, but it's taken me a while to get back to it. Baby steps on that one. The second book is new this year and I haven't seen it in bookstores yet, but it is available from the publisher. It's FROM HEARTACHE TO HEALING by Colleen and Philip Harrison. It has both spouses perspectives and they have really been where we are. www.windhavenpublishing.com.

Try to continue to be patient. We're hurting and we're angry. Keep trying to do the right things and as she lets a little bit of light in, the growth will come quicker. Ask her to kneel in prayer with you. You may have to be the only one praying for a while. Pray for her with her there. Say things in prayer as you open your heart to God that you would have a difficult time saying to her directly. It may take time, but she'll come back.

Good luck."
posted at 12:01:04 on September 1, 2010 by SEEINGLIGHT
Your name is in the Temple and your wife    
"Hi Rugga,

I read your post and I wanted you to know that when I was in the temple this morning, I placed everybody's name I could think of on this post. I wrote them out individually. As I sat in the celestial room, I prayed for everyone on this post. I hope you and your wife will feel extra strength over the next little while.

The inspiration felt like was flowing like water out of the tap today.


Please
I feel your pain. I too am married to a man who is addicted. I also have a son who is 20 years old and addicted print this portion of the blog for your wife from me.

Dear Rugga's Wife,
. I have suffered more than I can ever explain. I am sure you understand what I am feeling. You have been to the ARP meetings. I go to meetings that are only for women and I hear varying versions of my same story. I feel the sadness, pain, and heartbreak from women whose dreams have been shattered by pornography addiction. I am thankful beyond belief for these meetings. For the most part the spouse (women's only) meetings did not exist a year ago and for me they were needed 24 years ago. I suffered in silence for so many years and kept thinking that if he would just stop, I would be happy. I could heal, I would be okay.

I was always told by the many Bishops that it was going to be okay because he is a good man and he is repenting. So.. he's okay, I'm okay right???? Not so much. I was never okay. I had no one I could turn to for priesthood advice. I could not understand. He sins, he has help. He sins, and I suffer with no help. I was never once offered blessing.

I am beginning to understand. Not having anywhere to go, I could only go to my Father in Heaven. I will say it again.... I could only turn to Heavenly Father. After all of these years, I am realizing that my relationship with him is so strengthened because I really came to know him in a way that I would not otherwise. I think of the many times I would drive to the Temple parking lot and Just sob, pray, and sob some more. Somehow in my desperation the Lord would answer my prayers and I was able to go on.

I have spent soooo much time being angry. Most people never knew it because I am generally upbeat and happy. But if you ask my husband, there were times when I downright hated him for what he had done to our family. How could he do this? I was so hurt.

Over the past six months, I am learning a better way. I realized that my forgiveness was essential. I believe that I cannot heal without it. In the last month, my prayers are changing and I am letting go of control. My anger was stopping me from feeling the joy I was meant to feel. Without being self centered, I truly believe that I am key to my husband's healing. I cannot save him, or stop him from indulging. I cannot say that I completely trust him, but I can say that I do trust in my Savior in moving in his life just as he is moving in mine.

My goal is to one day be filled with so much light that I can reach all of the sisters who are suffering in silence. I want them to know that they are not alone, and that it is possible to heal. I do not know where my husband will be at the end of this journey. I do not know where my son will be, But I know where I will be, and that is standing next to my savior.


To stay on this path, I read scriptures daily. I did not use to. I was so naturally spiritual; I seemed to get by before. I cannot get by anymore without reading daily. I pray on my knees as many times as I need to daily. Many times, I will lock the bathroom door and pray if that happens to be the only place I can be alone. I need him every hour and sometimes that means praying every hour. In my prayers, I ask him to help me see my husband the way he sees him. I plead with him to help me forgive my husband.

I thought I forgave my husband, but I was still angry with him. Well.... after many years of pain, while I was in the celestreal room this morning. It finally came... I told my Heavenly Father that I was ready. I told him that I completely forgive my husband for all wrongs, all pain, all hurt, all of my unrealized dreams. I prayed for all of the wounded wives who suffer this great evil and I prayed that we can all be released from the bondage this addiction has had over each sister. I prayed That we can love freely and openly.
I pray that you and all of our sisters in Christ will heal from this darkens that has temporarily shattered our dreams.

Please know that my intentions are truly pure and if I can do anything to help you in any way at all, please email me at myangelmyfriend@gmail.com . I will give you my phone number and we can talk.

Your sister in Christ

Angel"
posted at 13:21:50 on September 1, 2010 by angelmom
Honesty    
"Rugga, I am always and continue to be impressed by your courage and strength.

I am also always impressed with the strength, patience, and love, that our dear sisters bring to this site. Everyone who posts here has been such a strength to me. Thank you all!!!

I tried to start a reply to your question Rugga and realized that my multi-paragraph response was hijacking your thread. I clearly have something I need to write about. I'll start my own page. :)"
posted at 14:23:27 on September 1, 2010 by paul
Healing From his Addiction    
"Have you ever known anyone with Post Traumatic Shock Disorder? This is what your wife is suffering from. My story is somewhat different. It has been over a year since discovery. I am still healing and I am so thankful for the PASAGS program for spouses. This literature speaks specifically to women who are dealing with Sexual addiction in their relationship. When I discovered that my husband was being unfaithful in our marriage of 40 years both physically and emotionally. My world as I knew ceased to exist. Everything I thought that was right was now so totally wrong. My husband was never truthful about his acting out behavior until it was placed in his face. I was blessed with the spirit of discernment in a priesthood blessing and there was nothing more terrible than looking at your husband, your celestial companion, the person you have taken Godly covenants with, and know that what they are telling you is a LIE!! Your heart want to believe him, your head wants to believe him, but the spirit will not let you have peace. A human lie detector!! Oh what a blessing and a curse. I have so much empathy now for the Bishop and his mantle. How could this man I thought I know who serves as a Priesthood leader and professional leader who always demonstrated so much integrity in every aspect of his life be such a liar to the person he is supposed to love the most??? Can I ever forgive him????? I knew that I "myself" was totally incapable to forgive, but I had an unwavering testimony of my Savior and his Attoneing Sacrifice would be able to help me forgive and heal and mend our marriage. I had no idea even with this unwavering testimony just how hard that was going to be. I supported my husband in his recovery and repentance process, but the discovery process had put me into a ugly dark space. The Scriptures talked to me and I know my Heavenly Father was speaking to me through those pages. I was lead and I know he was aware of me and my Family and was guiding me.

My husbands inability to be totally truthful even to his Priesthood Leaders made me question even more. I went to ARP meetings with him because I knew I was not perfect. There was limited healing but not the cleansing I was praying for. I put too much of my effort into his recovery, making sure we were doing all the right things!!!! ( co dependent behaviors, I have learned). Until one day I cried unto the Lord for help. I NEED HELP, I am loosing myself, I cannot function, only going through the motions of life, there is this darkness despair I cannot explain, like I was sitting on the outside watching myself in conversations knowing I was not truly there. I continued to search for help. We went to counseling but unless you have a counselor who is certified to treat sexual addiction you can get some lame advice. My husband was truly supportive of me. Expressing his sorrow and of course scarred to death that I would leave. I had every justification to. Even the Lord told me to leave. In hindsight had I been strong enough at that time to follow the counsel of the Lord our recovery especially his would have been expedited. I stayed and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done and I am not finished yet.
In my search for healing I found this website. Dr. Douglas Weiss, sexaddict.com. He had specific help for the Partners of sexual addiction. I was able to download his book, Partners,
I work with the Sisters as a Missionary in the PASAG program.
I was given that calling because I had gone to my Stake President with a request to start a program for the Sisters who are dealing with this specific issue. Sexual Addiction. He inquired and communicated with me on a regular basis until we discovered the PASAGS pilot program, that literature spoke to my heart in a way that the ARP program did not. I cannot tell you how much differently my healing was imapacted in a positive way. I pray for my priesthood leaders regularly that they will truly hear the voice of the Lord, be the mouthpiece of God to bless my life."
posted at 16:24:44 on September 1, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Sorry the above post was not edited    
"I found information on Dr. Weiss's sites that helped me!!! Practical information that gave me practical steps to follow in healing. We attended his intensive couples counseling in Colorado. That was one of the best investments we have ever made.

I have shared some of the information i have down loaded and bought from his site in my groups with the sisters and they have commented that it has really helped them.

Our Marriage is better than it ever was. We are now on our way to the Celestial Marriage I thought I had before. We can exhibit legitimate intimacy in our relationship, spiritually, emotionally, physically. Praise the Lord!!!!

Check out the information on Intimacy Anorexia. (funny name I know) My husband was healing, I could not heal until some of his issues with Intimacy was addressed. Some addicts deal with this issue. Partners also can exhibit these characteristics: Withholding love from partner, Withholding praise or appreciation from their partner. Controlling by silence or anger. Ongoing or ungrounded criticism that causes isolation. withholding sex from the partner.. Unwillingness to discuss feelings with partner. Staying so busy that the anorexic has little to no relational time for the partner.
Making any issues in the relationship the partner's before owning any of the issue.

Until these issues were addressed I could not heal. Ask your wife if she feels you exhibit any of these characteristics? Even if you think you do not. She will be grateful you are acknowledging the need for further growth. She might notice she may be exhibiting some of these characteristics. If not good for both of you. If these characteristics seem familiar deal with them. Your marriage will heal.

My husband feels that Dr. Weiss speaks in a direct, kind of in your face, approach that he felt helped him.

There is no substitution for the Savior and our Heavenly Father, and the Holy Ghost. I could not have done any of this without thier love and guidance. The 12 steps, the healing that service brings.

I hope some of this helps. Lots of love and prayers to you all."
posted at 18:05:36 on September 1, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
That is me    
"Ahoy there hero,


You are great and I find it hard to believe that in such a short time you have gained so much know-how. I will check out Weis.

Wow the anorexia fits my marriage and more like bulemia fits my past addictions to lust. I really love that name actually it fits pretty well. Will check them out.

40 years holy snot that is a long time.
Lord tells you leave and you stay, you deserve a chest of draws of purple hearts.
How do you do it sister???

My wife today said she wants so bad to get rid of the anger but does not know how.
That makes me feel so sorry for her, I feel something miserable about this whole thing all the time when she opens up.

My wife cannot heal because of my lack of sensitivity for sure.

Angel Angel you too are heroic for me on this site.
Thanks for all the prayers and hope sharing.

Time to knuckle down and forget myself but that is easier said than done."
posted at 19:03:44 on September 1, 2010 by ruggaexpat
seeing light    
"Thanks so much

I almost forgot your timely post.

I needed to know there are others who have been in similar shoes as mine I am wearing and they have managed to find a new pair.

Mine are very worn out now and need replacement.

Thanks for your thoughts they help tons."
posted at 19:06:15 on September 1, 2010 by ruggaexpat
@hero    
"How would leaving have expedited recovery? Ours, my wife and I's, may be getting "expedited". So this may be good to understand."
posted at 20:15:09 on September 1, 2010 by They Speak
Ruggaexpat,    
"I'd encourage you to look up post traumatic stress disorder (Hero mentioned something related to this) in regards to spouses of this kind of addiction. Not for a diagnosis or another "label" to add to the yucky mix but for more clarity of her emotions. There's a book on it but I haven't read it so... can't recommend it. This might give her another angle to analyze why the anger doesn't stop. And it might allow you to understand that she is not... unforgiving and not moving on... on purpose. She may just be stuck in survival mode.

I was no better off than your wife at the one year mark. In fact, I am amazed by the women here that have moved forward so well. But I wonder if I would have been further along had I recognized what this addiction was doing to me. I was so focused on protecting myself and family...trying to figure out my future, that I didn't see clearly that it was taking control of me in a sneaky way.

Something else that helped me was recognizing that it wasn't my husband's plan to rip my world apart. It is the adversary's. And when I realized this....just recently, I might add....I was able to "channel my anger" as Migail suggested to me.

I never thought the adversary could hate me so much! I realized that it's truly a part of his plan: If this destroys me, it would affect my entire family...the children: families are forever? The damage could be limitless. (This inspiration came from a post stating that this addiction was designed to destroy the spouse. You may have written that. Don't you also see it is the adversary that is trying to take your wife from you? Fight for her!)

This knowledge strengthened me....allowed me to work on healing myself from this and deal with all the big decisions later. That is what I wish I could tell your wife....to not let this destroy her any longer....work on her healing and deal with all the big decisions later. And you could support her in this healing.

Wow, it's late. Better go."
posted at 00:41:13 on September 2, 2010 by Enough
Enough    
"It was a conclusion that came to me but you have taken it to a new level it seems. Mmm it is so true how you have pulled it apart and yes I can see it clearly. I am a psych major (long time ago though) so I have to reread the PTSD. That is exactly what my wife is looking for to channel her anger, I need to do something so I think it is time to change gears in helping her with her healing.

She is the funnest girl I have ever met, just a happy person who makes life fun. Cannot tell you how much I miss those moments.

Satan has a way to hide so well behind the situation and yet he manipulates events so much so that it is almost impossible to identify his moves in the moment. He is definately working double time on us right now and I promise you I know why as you do, he must destroy us now or he loses a key battle for our souls. That is very scarey to think about because so much of our childrens happiness hinges around this moment now. I need to remember that when she gets upset and just be there for her and not think about me.

Thanks enough

This is getting old now but I believe in the ministering of angels and this cannot be far from it."
posted at 12:53:40 on September 2, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Thanks    
"
Rugga, I often read, but I rarely write. I felt impressed to write to you because your words have touched me. I have felt many of the same feelings that you have felt and I think my wife has felt and reacted in many of the same ways your wife has. At times I had resented her for her treatment of me, them felt what right do I have to resent her after all I have done.

Your post and others that have responded have reemphasized just how devastating this sin can be to our spouses. Lately I have seen in others how much this sin steals and drains from us. How it robs us of our life. And I mean your love and zest for life.

Your love of your own wife reminds me that no matter how sad or angry I get at my own marriage situation when I look at my own dear sweet wife my own heart melts. They are worth every stripe that we have to take.

Thanks again,"
posted at 16:06:56 on September 2, 2010 by Anonymous
THEY SPEAK EXPEDITED REOVERY!!    
"How could this have helped? I would have been following My Heavenly Fathers advice.#1 , My recovery could have been expedited because it is hard to be around a person who is recovering.....hoping they are recovering....wondering if they are recovering....and watching them wander mentally, emotionally, spiritually,and physically. Even though the acting out behavior may have stopped the attitudes still remain.
One sister expressed it this way" I wonder if I were to separate from him for a season and allow him to focus on himself and where he would be without us, that maybe then he would desire to take the necessary steps. The other side of me says he needs me to get through this, and he needs the kids. They need him. I fear being alone, and yet I already am in so may ways. I want to have things work out for everyone's sake, but I also know that I cannot work everything out on my own. There's my part, the Lord's part and the scary part, that's my husband's part"
I feel that many men expect their wives will heal them in many ways. "She is going to her meetings to learn how to help me" NOT... She is trying to heal herself. Will he take the necessary steps for recovery? Will he show by his actions that he is seeking recovery? Will he show by his actions that we will have the relationship I deserve and have been cheated out of. Re-read the post above to Rugga on the issues of Intimacy Anorexia. If she is experiencing any of those behaviors in her relationship with you??? She does not feel better or does not believe you are healing because her wounds continue to get cut open while you are pouring the salt in.
I believe the Lord gave me the opt out!!! But, I have my agency. My personality: "I learn the hard way most of the time." The Lord has still supported me and continues to support me. I am so thankful !! Weary, but Thankful......
SUGGESTION: Let her see you reading a book for Partners!!! I am sure she has been reading up on your addiction. Most partners know more about this addiction than the addict! I have my PHD (Phooey Hate Deceit) degree.
All you men are very ingenious and resourceful!! Look at how good you were on working around your addiction. Put that same effort into the healing and your spouses will know for sure you are who you say you want to become. Her doubts will ease, your actions will give her reason for hope, she will have reasons to forgive and her fear will start to subside. She will still have to do the work for her own healing, and you will reap great rewards!!! LOL"
posted at 17:58:54 on September 2, 2010 by BYOUROWNHERO
Thanks for trying    
"I have read several of your comments on different blogs and I want to tell you thaks for trying your best. My loved one brought me to this site so that I could better understand what he is going through and everyones love and support for him is doing wonders. I know you are trying your best and I hope for the sake of your family that your wife will find the love of christ and realize that it is her responsibility to forgive you seventy times seventy. I am hoping my loved one will recover so that sometime in the future we will be able to make it to the temple together. Good luck."
posted at 02:39:04 on September 3, 2010 by Anonymous
Rugga-    
"Man my heart goes out to you. Are you guys seeing an LDS counselor together? I only ask because the one my husband and I see together is LDS, and I think it makes all the difference in the world. He asks us the “little” questions…Are you praying together?...Reading scriptures together?...Family night?...Going to church together? Pretty much all the standard questions…but I think they are so standard to ask, because each of the components are so important. My husband and I have never been very good at the “couple scripture study”…so we have taken a different approach. We read from the book “When Ye Shall Receive These Things” by Robert L. Millet, Lloyd D. Newell…it’s a verse a day type book, it goes through the BOM, and discusses a verse. I’m not the most insightful person, so it’s been a really good book for me. It opens up for easy discussion about the scriptures. After we read, then we pray, sometimes the scripture passage we just read gives a comfort that one of us was looking for and we can thank Heavenly Father for that. Then we go to bed and individually read our own scriptures (we are in totally different books, so reading the BOM cover to cover together would mean us both starting over, and the points we are both at have been beneficial to both of us).

In your post you wrote…“WE DID NOT DO THIS TO YOU TO SPITE YOU”…If it was my husband that wrote that I would say to him…“I am not depressed to spite you”. I feel so terrible that my husband internalizes my depression as a dig on him…he tells me he feels beat down. I honestly never ever want to hurt him. When a person repents and does everything they can to right a wrong…then they are doing everything that can be expected of them. I was just a little concerned when you commented on Paul’s post after me…you wrote, “Oh my Gosh I feel like crap and I feel I have to sit her down again for the umpteenth time and apologize. What a mess!” It’s a personal thing…so the question I ask is totally one to answer to yourself and not to me…Have you repented? And if you answer yourself yes…then you have. You do not need to continue to feel bad for your past sins...feel mercy for your wife, morn with her, but guilt is something that has to be let go of. Yes you wife is still grieving and yes it is because of the past…but is that the man you are today? How much are you kicking yourself? This is a boo-boo that is going to take your wife a process to get through, you cannot do it for her…But you can be supportive, hold her, and pray for her. I feel terrible what I wrote could make you feel like crap, I was talking to those stuck in the “I don’t know if I should tell my spouse” phase…Rugga, you did tell your wife, and you gave her the choice! Of coarse be sorry for your wife, feel for her pain as a spouse should, be understanding…but try not to kick yourself, if you have repented. As a wife I continue to hurt for the sins of the past…the grieving process sucks!! But I understand that my husband is not responsible for my process. Our counselor has asked that my husband ask himself, “is the way my wife feels now a result of anything I have done since I have repented?” If the answer is yes, then he needs to find a way to fix another problem he made. But if the answer is no, then he needs to let himself feel the peace that it is the past (the past that he has repented of)…he also said to understand that the grieving process is real, be supportive and strong. Our bishop took it one step further for us…He asked that when I am having a bad day, I recognize that it is because of the past, not the current husband…and if I need my husband’s support that I address it that way. Easier said than done, I know…I cannot imagine the guilt that my husband has to go through. If I hurt him in such a way, forgiving myself would seem impossible.

Rugga, you are in a tough spot. You are a good man!! I hope this comment made sense....It’s a confusing subject. I’m praying for you and your wife. "
posted at 10:54:38 on September 3, 2010 by summer
Summer    
"I have definately felt the saviors forgiveness, it was so sweet and liberating.

I carry scars from the mess I created.

I will always regret what I have done and while I am still learning about the pain I have caused. I am not getting hung over the guilt, that has been completely swept away as has the shame. They incredibly don't exist anymore.

Regret is another story, that will stay.
The control thing was making me feel crap because it helps me understand what I did in a new light, the perspective of a suffering loved one.

You showed me a new window. This all helps me to be more of a man and take responsibility to a new level.

Thanks Summer, by now you and some other sisters will get sick of me saying that.

Night everyone"
posted at 21:20:18 on September 3, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Progress Report A+    
"Rugga--I read your initial post a couple of days ago and have been thinking about it since. First here is my progress report--A+. You are awesome. Thanks for being here. For being honest. For supporting others on the site. Also 225+ days clean!!! Way to go. When I first read that I was only envious--what a great milestone! To do what you are doing (stay clean with the challenges you are facing) only shows your dedication. Finally A+ for accepting responsibility for the challenges that are in your marriage. You are a great example to me.

I was thinking about your situation as I was driving home from work tonight. You know I spent years not really knowing I was in my addiction (rationalization, minimization, justification, just no real connection!). Then once I finally realized I had a problem it took years before I actually truly addressed it. Then after going to recovery meetings it took 6 months before I really truly entered recovery. Talk about slow--Years to get my head on straight--Years. Yet it was not that I was intending to be that way or even that I realized what was going on. I was lost in my addiction. Now I see clearly and I think "what was I doing?" I imagine you know something of those lost years as well. Perhaps your wife is just going to need time. I am certain it is hard but keep doing what you are doing--I really believe that over time it will start to get better--she is going to see your dedication to her, your family, yourself, and to God. Eventually she will soften--just needs time. Just like we may not have recognized our addiction, and then didn't know how to get past our addiction, perhaps she just needs time to work through the darkness she is facing.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jim"
posted at 23:45:28 on September 3, 2010 by Seekrecovery
.    
"Rugga need a hugga?"
posted at 01:34:24 on September 4, 2010 by Anonymous
.    
"No no Anonymous...we're trying to quit huggaing strangers."
posted at 01:59:18 on September 4, 2010 by They Speak
Rugga needa da hugga    
"And anoda and anoda and anoda...

You guys are super crazy"
posted at 13:00:04 on September 4, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Jimmy (Seek)    
"Thanks for your post. Did not know I was making a difference.

I can relate 100% to what you are saying.

It is kind of like an Ether 12:27 moment. the Lord has shown us our weakness and now that we can see clearly, we will be made strong after all we can do + grace.
I guess we all come around when we are ready.

Thanks Jim prayers to you too."
posted at 13:13:26 on September 4, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Thanks!    
"I would just like to say thanks for this post. I recently found some "stuff" on my hubby's computer and at first I felt angry. Then hurt. Then sad. Sad because the day before he had been doing so well. I will be the first person to admit that slipping and then confessing about slipping can be tough.
Both my husband and I have problems with sexual addiction. I have always wanted to put into words on this site about how unforgiving spouses can act toward one another (I'm not perfect in this area either....... like I said I still felt mad...) and you said it beautifully Ruggaexpat.


"Ladies us addicts have hearts too, we hurt too, we are on this site because we are sick and tired of the old life and want a new one. When we do our best to change don't kick us when we are down and please try hard to not kick us when we are up. We have been down for so long."

Well said!!

Thank you."
posted at 22:37:30 on September 4, 2010 by toes_23


Add a Comment:


***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)








help
join
"Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs, or the pernicious contemporary plague of ography? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma's testimony is my testimony: "I do know," he says, "that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions."

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006