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phony me
By They Speak
9/1/2010 6:13:43 AM
Freak dude...i feel so utterly false. I've been reading all my posts over the last 4 months and though I'm ultra glad I've journaled this I can't help but see what a son of a (i want to swear so bad right now but I want everyone to feel comfortable reading my bull...not that I'm promising anything concerning the future) I've been and continue to be. The continue to be is the part that's killing me. What in the eff am I thinking? I've been sexually "sober" since the 17th I know in whom I have trusted (in that area) and yet...here I am in bed next to my wife in the dark reeking of cigarets, having tossed back a few with the boys last night, hoping she doesn't smell the fact that I'm a walking ash tray and ask questions when she wakes up to go to work. I'm an imposter in this bed! I'm so wiery of my double life. I'm untrue to myself. I've been drinking a lot because I know i'm "coming clean" soon and that's gonna have to stop. Yeah, congrats man your real sincer. Part of the WW stuff is cause I choose to convince myself its not bad. But what IS bad is its one more lie I have to live. And that makes me feel like I'm not taking it as serious as most sane people would be in my shoes. Hello Mcfly. This is no time for hangin with the fellas and having a few brews. That doesn't feel broken hearted or contrite to me. I of all the world should truly be fearing (loving) and trembling. Ah! the arrogance! I need to be sober and clear as a bell right now. Plus who cares where it actually lies on the morality continuum I'm no fan of treating my temple like a garbage can. I'm sooo tired. My only consolation is that I haven't got caught or talked to the bishop lately so I know truly the only thing thats motivating me to stop right now is the glaring fact that this misery is getting to repulsive to bare...and the Holy Ghosts encouragment (inspite of my total complete obvious stupidity)

I guess I'm just posting this cause I want to remember. I hope one day this shocks the shit out of me. It should now.

Comments:

Adam & Eve and facing the storm    
"Hi They Speak,

My heart feels so heavy for you at his moment. I woke up this morning and thought I would read on the blog before I get the kids off to school and then head for the temple. I will place your name on the prayer roll and specifically pray or you when I am in the celestial room.

My dear brother, you have simply and temporarily forgotten who you are. It also appears as though you are only trading one addiction for another. I am praying that you will wake up from this nightmare, find the atonement of Christ in your life, and once again fill your life with the light you once knew.

In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve had everything. Eve was beguiled by Satan and yielded to temptation. Adam, being a logical man realizes (with the help of his bride) that he must also partake of the fruit, otherwise the plan would be null and void and he would be left alone without his beautiful wife. No sooner does his happen, Adam hears the lord calling his name. He is bewildered as Satan has already told him that he was naked. "HIDE"!!!!!!!" Adam eats the fruit knowing that the Lord said not to, but the deal is done and as he hears the Lord, he becomes afraid and tries to hide himself. Well, that does not work to well because, Duh, God already knows and Adam (after attempting to cover himself and hide from God), finally comes clean and faces God. The rest of the story....No more Garden, No more spontaneous beauty, no more free food, nothing. He and Eve must face the music and find their way. But the Lord is so loving, he did not leave them alone. He provided his only begotten son for them. He gave them a way back to "the garden" to live with Him again. If only they would look to him, they will live again in joy, happiness, and bliss beyond anything they could ever imagine. I believe the story of Adam and Eve is not a far stretch from our own. The answers are truly so simple, the way is so easy.

They Speak, He has provided his son Jesus Christ for YOU for your sins for all of the pain you have caused, as well as all of the pain you feel. He has provided the Atonement for your sweet wife and all of the pain she will endure. I pray that your wife will also look to His gift of the Atonement to be healed. It is a hard walk through the desert, but there is beauty beyond measure, after the journey, if only we would accept his gift.

The Atonement is how I get through my day, sometimes hour by hour. It is working, it is really working.

I promise, this will not be easy, but I also know that if you will look to the only one who can save, Jesus Christ, he will heal you and you will know God again.

I pray for you as you make your choices and face the storm my dear brother.

Your sister in Christ,
Angel"
posted at 07:46:56 on September 1, 2010 by angelmom
your an Angel.    
"Thank you for the prayers and temple stuff. That's awesome!

About the addiction switch. Maybe I am...but it doesn't feel like what I know to be addiction. I've done a fare share a smoking n drinkin in my day. Smoked like a chimney and chewed like a big leaguer constantly and got deliriously drunk every so often all threw high school till I told my mom during my first semester of college (yeah somehow I managed to keep her from finding out all those years. and I was no straight A or captain of the foot ball team type tricking everyone into thinkin I was some clean cut do gooder. I was a punk and didn't really try to hid from it or much of anything but my fam always just thought that stuff wasn't my bag, I think cause I had a testimony and went to church by myself, so I just let um believe it) and she was so cool about it inspite of the fact that I could see it killing her and the fear in her eyes that when I left I got in my car grabbed my pack of camel red lights and crushed it and didn't think much more then twice about it before I went on a mission 2 years latter. it was actually quiting that caused me to even think seriously of a mission. Ha! Not sure the possibility of a mission was occupying much of my mind at all at the time till one random day some months after I crushed my smokes while at work as a bus boy at lone star steak house it dawned on me, actually much to my amusement and surprise, "wholly shit your worthy to go on a mission!". I think I started working on my church activity and such with my bishop the next week. Anyway, that and similar post mission experiences (shamefully and regrettably) have always stood out to me as odd how, particularly tobacco with all its addictive powers, has never had any unsolicited magnetic appeal over me out side of recreation whatsoever. I do it and when I'm done I don't think about it at all till I want to do it again. Like riding my bike. I like it but I don't have to have my fix (actually I may need my bike riding ;). Point and case I've known since I was a wee boy that the babes/lust held some kind of weird voodoo magic power over me...and as I lost my freedom to it I came to resent it with the fury of a thousand hells. I've never felt that with anything else. Lust is my drug of choice.

BUT because I've heard so much about addiction switching I have wondered lattely. So I will keep you posted. I'm pretty damn sure I got nicotine poisoning last night so I'm ready for a break. If I prove unable to stop on my own I know the same power that has kept me from porn the last few days is at my disposal."
posted at 13:51:51 on September 1, 2010 by They Speak
Been there buddy    
"I can tell you that they are all powerless over sincere desire to come right for good.

I have been down the smoking, drinking, drugs etc route.

I have been down the lust route and without doubt all of them had no hope in hell of overcoming a heartfelt decision to cut it out for good. Not a whimpering decision of sorts but a putting it all on the line decision. They cannot maintain a stand against that and the accompanied grace from the atonement that freely flows as a result of our choice.

Take your free agency back buddy if I can do it for this long then any dude can because I am in no way more special and better than you or anyone else. You may be like me and have an addictive personality. That can only be fixed with professional time with a therapist to crack the psychological whip.

Right now I have better balance though the amount of time I spend on this site may say otherwise.

Cheers"
posted at 14:16:16 on September 1, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Your right too angel    
"...I have been hiding from God (and my wife and myself). I'm tired of hiding. I think that is what's burdening me the most anymore. I'm ready to come out naked as jay bird if I have to and suffer the consequences rather then hide out forever. Again I would talk to my wife now but, right or wrong, I want more then a eleven by twelve space box for her to deal with this in. We, she; incase she sends me packing, can't move back into our house soon enough! In the mean time I think some good old fashioned true to myself repentance will make me feel a mite better...quit being a child"
posted at 14:17:30 on September 1, 2010 by They Speak
They Speak    
"Alma 32:27
But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

Hey Brother-
Last night the hubby and I read this scripture together. I thought it might apply to you a bit. “even if ye can no more than desire to believe” You totally have that…and you’re building. You want things to scare the crud outta ya. So what’s next…” let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.” I think it’s pretty awesome you want the real “broken hearted and contrite” thing. Quoting you, “I'm no fan of treating my temple like a garbage can”…How bout that for desire! Your desires are admirable…and they will continue to grow. Just in the short time I’ve seen your writings on this site…your desires have grown.

Thanks for your comments on my last post…You bring so much spunk to this site, so glad you’re here!"
posted at 18:06:43 on September 2, 2010 by summer
Been meaning to write    
"I've been meaning to thank you forever Summer.

When I was a missionary out about two months I was just about ready to throw in the towel. In fact I was committed to going home if I didn't get some answers. My companion cared more about hanging with other missionaries and watching movies at less actives then teaching me how to be a missionary. Everyone including members and especially my companion and other district elders it seemed hated me and I felt pretty alone. But worst of all I didn't know that I knew the church was true. I don't know how I figured given that I was convinced the temple is everything we say it is and that Jesus is the Christ and even that Joseph was a prophet except one thing...i never felt like I received my answer for the book of mormon (never mind that I didn't till later on my mission understand that joy was a fruit of the Spirit and that I felt it every time I read it. I feel it now as I say it). And it troubled me terribly. Looking back on it it seems easy to see how Satan had a strangle hold on my thoughts. I remember it got to a point where I couldn't even read without a spirit of criticism and doubt. Then, while reading a book by elder Ballard at a less actives house while my companion watched a movie (don't get the wrong idea I was a disobedient missionary. My trainer was a good man) he talked about Alma 32. It struck me. I think I read threw that section twice. I read the bom before my mission but knew nothing about it. It felt like every time I read a scripture I was hearing it for the first time (wish I could have that today). I closed his book and open my scriptures and read Alma 32. I studied it and pondered it. It blew my mind. No deep understanding of it came that I recall except that I remember committing there at the kitchen table that I would press forward in trust with what little I did believe having faith that loving God would not have me go astray for attempting to trust Him. I think my inner dialogue was something like "okay God, I'm going too read from now on as if my mom was reading me choo choo train story as a 5 year old and hope you'll let me know if this is bogus. But I'm done trying to figure it out on my own. Done with critical thinking for a season. Gonna try my hand at faith." It wasn't immediate but as my mission progressed I could melt peoples faces with my testimony of the Book Of Mormon with the best of um. I knew it was true. I stayed on a mission because of it and I trace my fulfilling of that call back to the day I became as a child willing to water a seed just to see if it would grow.

I dig your likening of my current situation to Alma 32. It makes prefect sense. I need to study this one out again. I have a mission to fulfill."
posted at 14:55:27 on September 21, 2010 by They Speak
You are one of the most honest...    
"Loved your post. You have to be a brave soul and brutally honest. That you are. The day will come when your love for your wife will take on a new dimension. You will thank her for her patience and long suffering for living with an ash tray.
I went to the Temple last Saturday with a brother who has been trying to quit his smoking habit for years. He wears the patch and has had the nico gum. He finally went smoke free and he told me that he got next to a smoker (flammer) and almost threw up.
Here is a brother who has overcome his Narcotics habit, his drinking habit and now his smoking habit. This guy is one tough cookie and he is going to be a valuable asset to the Lord in his ability to reach into the hearts of others who struggle.

Personally, I think that the moment that you realize that you are a scum bag (have you ever seen a scum bag? Take a plastic bag and fill it with pond scum.) ... you are primed and ready for recovery.
Question: Do you feel uncomfortable hanging around members of the Elders Quorum?
Do they make you feel like you are not worthy to hang out with them?
What is their reaction if you say a few four letter words?
Do they judge you with their eyes when they smell tobacco on you?"
posted at 05:42:25 on September 22, 2010 by migail3


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"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006