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Dear Crushed, Own your anger it is real and justified
By BYOUROWNHERO
8/26/2010 7:05:24 PM
Most loved ones have experienced neglect in many areas of their relationship and lives because of their addicted partner. You are experiencing the threat TO a beloved relationship because of him. He has caused you pain in so many ways. You have every right to feel pain, you have every right to be angry.
I have read in a recovery book for partners that it is helpful to write a letter to your husband. What you would want to say to him if he was bound and gagged in a chair and would never remember anything you had said or yelled at him. Write it down what you would say to him using any type of language you feel you need to communicate the anger inside of you. You must get rid of the anger if you want to stay with him. Do not share it with him or let him read it. You can share it with your recovery group or therapist, or trusted friend. This was helpful for me.

I also did an exercise where I made sure I could be alone, maybe have your husband take the kids for a drive. Find a room where you can lock the door. Turn some music up very loud and get some pillows or use your bed or cushion. Warm up saying "NO", as you hit the cushion, using a bat or broom or an appropriate beating stick, saying no, in a low voice, then medium then loud striking the cushion with the force that corresponds with your voice. Then at the top of your voice yell all the hurts, profanities, abuses, disgusts........., read letter, stay angry during this time and continue until you are to tired or feel some relief. You may need to do this only once.

Your anger is normal and appropriate. Now own it and start doing the things you have control over to help you heal. Do not let him be the VICTUM here.(husband), You did not cause this!!! Set boundaries for behaviors his and yours with consequences.

Believe me if you do not deal with your anger it will come out! The anger dragon will raise its ugly head and spew fire and rage when you may not have the will to control it.

I know this will be a hard time for you, even after a year of recovery I walked into his office and was overwhelmed with a sick feeling knowing there are women in that office he had lusted over. I offered a silent prayer that those feeling might be removed unless they were guidance from the Holy Ghost. I did not want to push away my intuitions or instincts. Heavenly Father is always there for me as he will be for you.

I also read a beautiful quote, Journey of the Heart by Melody Beattie, " Your emotions are like the surf. Sometimes they pound gently sometimes fiercely. Sometimes the color of blue, sometimes gray. They may be the result of a storm, sometimes a squall far away. Let them pound. Let them pass through. Let them subside. Let them turn into the next weave. Each emotion is connected to a belief embedded in your soul. I am abandoned. I am deserted. I am separated from God and love. But you are not your emotions. Your emotions don't control your life, no matter how fierce, no matter how strong. No matter how relentless. No matter, at times, how overwhelming.

LET THE EMOTIONS PASS THROUGH, FEELL ALL
YOU NEED TO FEEL. SAY ALL YOU NEED TO SAY
TO LET THE STORM SUBSIDE. THEN PAUSE. WAIT. REST. LET YOUR BODY REGROUP AND HEAL. YOU WILL HAVE GROWN. YOU WILL HAVE CHANGED. AND YOU'LL BE ON YOUR WAY TO LEARNING SOMETHING NEW."

BELIEVE ACTIONS, not words! Repentance requires a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Humility and love towards those you have harmed. Patience and a softening of countenance. Your husband is not the victim here.......

Forgiveness is a gift: For me forgiveness was out of my reach in this offence. I needed the Savior to gift it to me. Just as we need him to gift us charity and every-other Godly attribute. Your husband is so blessed that you are a strong courageous Daughter of God. That you are staying with him to give him the opportunity to hold up to his covenants and oath's. You can heal, He can heal but only with much work and effort. The Miracle of Forgiveness is there for all who SEEK it.
And Seek is an action word just like the Gospel is action.......
LOL to all.
You can Heal! Your Marraige can heal! Your family can heal!

Comments:

You are god sent and amazing!!! Thank you    
"Thank you so much!!! Your comments have helped me so much!!! I will apply everything you have said. I wished I knew you and could draw more from the well of wisdom you are!!!!!
love to you and God bless you for taking the time to share with me."
posted at 20:12:36 on September 15, 2010 by crushed
Here it is.    
"Hope this helps CONFIDENCIEN. I replied to your post but it disappeared. I will have to do it again. Later. Check back...."
posted at 11:31:32 on July 2, 2011 by Hero
Thanks!    
"Found it, Hero! Thanks for this. I think it's a good idea. Now to get the courage to "let it all out.""
posted at 16:37:36 on July 3, 2011 by ConfidenceIn


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"I will speak briefly of the principle of repentance. How grateful I am for the understanding we have of this great principle. It is not a harsh principle, as I thought when I was a boy. It is kind and merciful. The Hebrew root of the word means, simply, "to turn," or to return, to God. Jehovah pled with the children of Israel: "Return . . . and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful . . . and I will not keep anger for ever. Only acknowledge thine iniquity, that thou hast transgressed against the Lord thy God." When we acknowledge our sins, confess them and forsake them, and turn to God, He will forgive us."

— Richard G. Hinckley

General Conference April 2006