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I still wonder why
By time2heal
8/11/2010 4:14:23 PM
It has been nearly a year since my husband confessed to me about his addiction. I was already suspecting it, but hearing it from him was so difficult. So much has happened and I feel I've healed immensely. However I still feel it's going to take longer, how much longer? I don't know.

I still have 3 concerns (well much more, but 3 I'll post here):

1-The past: It's hard for me to look at "happy" moments through pictures and think that he was living a double life. I wonder if I'll ever be able to think about those years or look at those pictures and not have a sense of sadness, knowing that he was living a lie.

2-Will I ever truly trust him again? When I married him, I felt so safe and secure it was incredible. I just wonder if I'll get that feeling again. I hope so. I feel I've forgiven and truly am trying to move on. We've gone to the AR meetings and he's been very willing to do whatever to stay in recovery. Of that I'm grateful. I can say that I do trust him more today than I did right after he told me. But it might be that I've given up trying to control this. Cause when it comes right down to it, I know I can't control it, nor should I try. He makes his own choices and will no matter what I do or say.

3-This might be the strangest thing...I don't know. My husband didn't have this addiction as a boy or teenager. He got involved in pornography after marriage. Going to AR meetings and reading posts on this site made me realize most have this addiction before marriage. It makes me feel like I'm at fault. Well, I know that's what Satan is telling me, so I try to get rid of those feelings, but I can't. I feel like my husband just got bored with me. Although, I realize he stopped praying, reading his scriptures, etc. making him an easier target for Satan. I don't know. I'm not saying it would have been better if he'd had this before marriage, I just wonder why start after marriage? Are there any other addicts that got involved with porn after marriage (for the first time)? Oh, and just for the record, he never once put the blame on me, this is something I do to myself.

I hope I don't come off too negative. I just want to sort through some of my feelings that haven't gone away yet. I have to say, that since my husband confessed and has truly repented and working on recovery, things are soooo much better in our marriage. He seems so much more happy. I also have received blessings. The main blessing I have received is using the atonement to heal me! I always thought the atonement was for the sinner (not that I'm not a sinner...), but no it's there for all of us. I'm so grateful to have this knowledge. Like I said before, I've healed a great deal, but there's still room to go.

Comments:

I wonder too    
"This is a topic that comes up a lot in our home. It’s usually brought up by my husband. He would like to go back to the way things were before. I don’t know where the truth and lies started and stopped, it’s a tough process.

I share your same feelings about seeing pictures at times. Some pictures bring back memories that are too hurtful…I avoid those ones. Maybe someday I will be able to look at those pictures for the moment that they were, not as a representation of the horrible lie we were living.

Trust is so hard to get back. If you figure out how...let me know!!

My husband was introduced to pornography as a teen, but didn’t become active with it again until 7 years into our marriage…at the time I was pregnant. I wonder if I was just too hideous to look at. Satan sure has a good way of making us feel like garbage doesn’t he? I think (not positive), my husband has always dealt with masturbation to some degree…And apparently that leads to other things.

I still wonder why. Does that go away?

You are so sweet…I’m so sorry you are dealing with this!!"
posted at 17:23:13 on August 11, 2010 by summer
I have no answers    
"Just the same questions. Maybe some wounds don't heal completely in this life. If I could choose to close my eyes again and go back to sleep ( or into denial) to get a sense of peace, I know I wouldn't. It is my responsibility to stay awake, to be aware. I don't know how to reconcile that completely with trust, though, and I can't even get started about self esteem here.

Still, I know that the Atonement is real, and it can and will heal me completely on His timetable. Hang in there sisters..."
posted at 22:16:32 on August 11, 2010 by Anonymous
Time2Heal, I really think we can heal from this..    
"I used to look at family pictures and would see the same things you do.I even threw some out! This doesn't affect me much anymore.

I also wondered if I would ever trust again. This thought devastated me..such a despairing feeling. I still don't really know. But, I've chosen to work on my own healing, as he works on his, so I don't think about it as much. And for whatever reason, this has empowered me. I am not feeling "trust"ing him is important right now. One thing at a time for myself.

And I also allowed this to affect how I felt about myself, wondering if it was me. This has to be one of the adversary's greatest tools. I hope that new sisters reading this site recognize that he tries the same techniques on almost all women in this position.I would LOVE to keep all from falling into this particular trap of self destruction!

His addiction as nothing to do with you. At all. I am sure of it. I am sure he has told you this.
Do believe him. Soon, you will and maybe soon, this thought will weaken and disappear.

I do think we can heal from this. With them or without them. Perhaps when we are done with the pain of it, we will realize that we have been left smarter, more in tune and less dependent on people and more dependent on our Savior. ( I'm not there yet, just for the record).
I know we can have peace again. I know that is what Heavenly Father wants for every one of us.

I am sad that you are hurting. Some of it goes away with time. And some of it takes a little work. I am so thankful that you share your feelings.


Enough"
posted at 00:04:25 on August 12, 2010 by enough
Time2heal!    
"I just ran across this blog. All of the points you discussed are indeed obstacles we as spouses have to address. Mourning the past, mourning the man we thought we were married to and the life we thought we had, and rebuilding our self esteem. Very real obstacles in our recovery process. I wrote goodbye letters to the man I thought I was married to and the life I thought I had. Trust: it has been over a year for me and I still do not trust yet. So hard because before I trusted him so completely. Forgiveness yes but trust no. This has been one of my hardest obstacles to overcome in healing. I finally came to an understanding that when trust is broken it takes years to rebuild. Little by little I feel trust coming back. Trust has to be earned now. For me that is how I have put that to rest and not let it worry me as I heal. Trust will come, when it is earned. As I see the changes my husband has made and his real commitment to me and our marriage, the softening of his demeanor, willingness to nurture me and rarely criticizes, helps me in all my activities and duties, all of those attributes helps not only rebuild my self esteem but reinforces the foundation that trust can be built upon.
Give those thoughts of your lacking anything back to old horny head and Glory in the Beautiful Daughter of God that you are. It amazes me when I attend the temple how beautiful I am. My complexion looks better,not so many wrinkles, maybe trick mirrors?? I do not know what it is exactly and I am truly not trying to sound conceited or boastful. I believe in the temple that we have a unique opportunity see ourselves as our loving Heavenly Father sees us. Our Father that knows how amazing we truly are, knows our potential and our unique gifts. Take time to glory in the Lord and one of his most amazing creations. YOU!"
posted at 15:52:48 on November 10, 2010 by byourownhero
Arrgh this is so terrible    
"I am sorry but I am having one fo those days where I am just full of regrets and lacking hope hat my wife will ever trust me again. This so sucks, I cannot believe I have done this all, what a waste. I read this and it just is so hard. You guys have gone 1 year and still don't trust. My wife is getting to that point too very soon but there is absolutely no trust whatsoever. Just seems so hard. So sad so hard so sad so hard.

I need to listen to Mormon messages to get some hope boost."
posted at 19:02:17 on November 10, 2010 by ruggaexpat
That stinks    
"For anyone out there struggling with these sins who is not yet married: resolve NOW to get past it. Work the 12 steps and repent!

And if you are dating and feel it is time to get married, be completely open and honest with your wife about your past AND any current struggles. I am so grateful I chose to be...my wife claims she has always been able to trust me; she knows I'm always exactly who I say I am.

And for all of those who are already married and haven't yet told their spouse...resolve to TELL THEM as soon as you can. Set a date, fast and pray, and let them know. The sooner you tell, the sooner they can start to heal, and the easier it will be to rebuild trust. The longer you wait, the greater the pain will be, and the harder it will be to rebuild trust.

Let's all be HONEST! (Step 1)"
posted at 19:34:40 on November 10, 2010 by BeClean
I have the same concerns    
"and not as much healing as you do. I hate to think or look at the past. I've actually ripped some of the pictures and I've taken off the wall all wedding pics, etc.. I've ripped all his letters, dating pictures, etc... exactly what you do when you break up. That man never existed. I was all in my mind, for me it should not have existed, that wedding should not have taken place, it was all lies. I try no to think about it as he should not have been allowed in the Temple in my opinion. The past hurts so much and I just do not know when it will stop hurting. Do you ever get to the point where you are at peace with how he lusted after your sister? (he had started even before our wedding).
I understand about him being addicted, but it hurts so much, does it ever stop hurting? How do you give that pain to Christ? I understand he has paid for our pain and stands ready to succor, how do I give it to him? How do I let it go?
As for trust I can not even foresee the day I can ever trust him.
And I do not think it has anything to do with you when he became addicted, do you know how he felt before, I mean maybe he's always had a hard time with temptations, with dirty thoughts but was not actively looking at it. But eventually, something happenned and he could not cope with his life and starting escaping. Do you know if he has an addictive personnality and might have been indulging in something else before too? It can be a million things but none of them have anything to do with you.

I am so glad you have been able to heal as much as you have, I know it takes so much courage, faith, work. You sisters are such inspirations to me. Thank you for sharing your concerns and story."
posted at 20:47:56 on November 10, 2010 by crushed
Homesick    
"I'm glad this post got brought up again. I posted on it back when it was fresh. It's funny how I'm the same Summer, but my emotions have changed a bit. It's nice to look back and see where you were and where you are now. A recent thing for me has been a bit of acceptance. Just the other day I realized I can't imagine my life without this trial. For so long I was longing to have the life I thought I had...but back then, I didn't know about my trial. But along with this new realization, I'm feeling weird. By weird I mean, homesick...You know like when you were a kid at a sleep over; things sound different in a different house, the temperature is a little different, shadows are not the ones you know...ect. When I read what byourownhero said about writing a goodbye letter to the man and life she thought she had...it made sense to me. I haven't written letters, but I feel I am getting to the point where I can let go of what I thought I had. Now I'm just trying to figure out what I do have. As I type this, it's starting to make sense why I have that homesick feeling...I think I'm trying to figure out what my "new" home is, the good and the bad.

And Crushed...I don't know when it stops hurting either. Hang in there Sister."
posted at 21:16:40 on November 10, 2010 by summer
Maybe it's a process?    
"OK, so you all know I am really REALLY new to this. but maybe it's a process? This is what I mean.

1st - think of when you KNOW your husband was truthful to you. Remember all those times. When he says I love you. When you ask is that the truth and he says yes - if you can - trust it. This is your marker. You CAN trust this. Even if he sins and falls, you can STILL know he was truthful at that moment of time.

2nd - build upon it. We know what to do to strengthen our relationship. Time. Go play. Have a water balloon fight as a family or a couple. Run through the creek barefooted. Have a tickle torture fight. Allow yourself to be happy. Allow him to make you happy.

Before you say no - I know many of you have had years upon years of this struggle, but if this makes sense and could help - give it a whirl.

3rd - One by one, take the lies you have received and the trust you have lost and do as the program says. write them down. Put them "in a box" and burn them. Trash them. Throw them away. We are different people. We are a covenant making people. That means we are a people of constant change. Always looking towards the things of a better.

Maybe this will not work for you. I do not know.

My husband told me yesterday, that he was so naive he did not know what masturbation was until after his mission, in the Army. But he was never tempted or tried, until after marriage. So for me my marker is, dating. Our marriage. And he has enumerated when he did and did not, and I can look to when he was telling the truth, and lying, and find those markers, as well. If we want to love, we can. We do not have to be this way forever. We have beautiful steps to heal us too.

good luck my dear sisters. Remember what amazing women you are, were, and will become as we find strength in the peace of the Lord.

bb"
posted at 22:39:29 on November 10, 2010 by 4intow
a process for BOTH    
"If you husband is not willing to submit as well, the process does not work."
posted at 11:20:08 on November 13, 2010 by 4intow
Disagree 4intow    
"Yes you are new at this. But you comments give us food for thought.

The process is only for you and many of the women on this post have no marker, so what then. Putting your trust in anyone other than Jess Chris is a hugh mistake.

I wish you luck and hope for your success, but along the way you must go through the process and there is much pain and mourning before a new day dawns. You have a long journey ahead of you. Stay close to the Lord and he will never fail you.

Just my opinion"
posted at 12:05:02 on November 13, 2010 by Anonymous
thanks    
"Just wanted to say thanks for all your input. I'm still struggling, but learning to rely and trust more and more in the Savior rather than in anybody else. He will never, ever let me down and that brings me peace. God bless you all."
posted at 16:33:43 on November 14, 2010 by time2heal
On becoming involved as a husband vs. a child    
"It looks like the other topics you brought up have been discussed, so I thought I'd hit on your husband becoming involved with porn after your marriage.

I am an addict. I was first exposed as a child by my father and older brothers. The difference between now and back then (even fifteen years ago) is then you had to go out and look for pornography. Had to seek it out. Now, it comes to you. No matter where you are. A completely righteous, honest man who has kept himself clean his entire life is suddenly bombarded with it every day from every angle -- TV commercials, movies, the internet, even going to the grocery store (as a recovering addict I can't tell you how infuriating the check-out aisles at the local Smith's can be -- oddly enough all the magazines that show this crap are for women. Go figure). Never in the history of the world has this nasty stuff been so easily available. Modern man lives only within turning a power switch on and a few clicks of a mouse from indulging his constantly nagging carnal desires. Had ancient Israel, the early Christians, the saints at Joseph Smith's time had the same accessibility to this crap that man has today, the pandemic would have been just as bad.

Your husband is trying to fight this. Please be patient with him. Most women have no idea what it is like for a man to stay clean in the current environment. The rest of society believes porn and masturbation are normal, even healthy parts of a male's life. The fact that he has admitted the problem and is trying to overcome it puts him in the top 1% of men in the country. He is at least trying.

Now, in no way does this excuse the sins -- the standards of the Lord and His priesthood are very clear -- but please realize the difficulty of his struggle. Growing up he likely wouldn't have been bombarded nearly as much as after he was married. It's not your fault at all."
posted at 10:48:00 on November 16, 2010 by iwillnot
I understand the comment IWILLNOT    
"I agree that I need the love of my loved ones. I need their support with boundaries and limits attached to ensure they do not get hurt like that again. Once is enough.

But we cannot use that old reason that we live in a hyper porned up society to explain our past, present or future thoughts, words and deeds. Consistent warnings have been given by prophets long and new to avoid immorality. Sure the tech revolution is making it easier to access but WE DO NOT HAVE TO ACCESS IT.

I would never had accessed it had I reflected on the damage it could cause. I was too young back then but I know that after my mission I knew what I was doing was wrong and there is no excuse for letting it go for so long. This is my regret and to hell with any justification to try attribute my fall after mission to the society I live it. I forgot the covernants I made with God and have been haunted by that decision ever since and it comes back to bite me in the rear every day now.

It sucks but I have to take responsibility for my actions and not expect my loved ones to trust and love me unconditionally because they cannot right now.

But like you, I want to feel loved and be loved by them.
I now depend on that love in a different and more mature way."
posted at 11:05:12 on November 16, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Rugga    
"Your comments expose your healing soul. I am thankful for your courage to reach out and help as you heal.

I want to let every man and women who read these blogs to know, if you have taken your trespasses to the Judge of Israel, the Bishop, then you are forgiven. You have repented, you are clean every whit. The big misunderstanding and confusion I hear is that : REPENTANCE is not RECOVERY. You can be forgiven and still be sick as a dog. Seek recovery, through ARP, preferable PASG if the sin is sexually related, and therapy and every good book that offers you practical tools for healing. Not just someone talking about what the problem is but someone who is giving you tools to recover.

The Lord told Israel, here is your inheritance, now go fight for it, do battle, I will lead you and support you in your righteous endeavors, but you are going to have to fight for it, even kill to preserve Israel. So we have to kill the lusts that our Lord has told us to run from. Now we have to do battle, we have to fight with all that we have because if we are not victorious we lose our inheritance in the Kingdom of our Father. He will guide us, support us, lead us, we have to take righteous action."
posted at 16:14:30 on November 16, 2010 by Byourownhero
You are clean every whit    
"I really liked your 3rd paragraph analogy, Hero. Thanks.

You said, "...if you have taken your trespasses to the Judge of Israel, the Bishop, then you are forgiven. You have repented, you are clean every whit...." Just to be clear, you aren't saying that confession is all that is required for forgiveness, are you? (If so, see D&C 58:43.)

Finally, I've always been intrigued by the fact that women are told at a place in the temple "you are clean every whit," or something like that. Men are not. Men are told that they still have some work to do. Discuss that one with your loved one in the temple the next time you go..."
posted at 17:11:05 on November 16, 2010 by beclean


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