Don't know what I should do...
By hoper
8/6/2010 1:50:03 AM
This has been a really long, hard road for me. 5 months ago my boyfriend told me that he was addicted to pornography. We didin't break up, and I did the only thing that I really could do, I took a deep breathe and said, "ok... we'll get through this." It hurts me so bad when people ask me why I'm not engaged, or how its so unfair that my best friends are all getting married to their loved one that they met after I met my boyfriend. I want to be married to him, I love him so much. But how do I deal with all of the hurt? I was hoping I could just grind my teeth and get through this, but I don't know how much more I can really last, and I don't know how to tell him that. He already feels more guilty and he is truly trying his hardest, and he has really started opening up more and more to me over he past few weeks about his addiction and how it started. I love him so much, but how do I tell him that he needs to try with everything that he has, before destroying his self confidence even more?


Words are meaningless without action.    
"Dear Hopeful, Thanks for the honesty in sharing your deepest feelings about this. You will and should share this with your Bishop or another trusted friend, one who has insight and is not afraid to tell you something that might even go against your feelings. Some friends just validate whatever you are feeling whether it is right or wrong.

Your boyfriend has to get beyond the confession part and become active in the Addiction Recovery Program. I am assuming that the both of you are LDS. The LDS Addiction Recovery Program is different then any other AR 12 step program I have ever seen. Only in the LDS program can you find a program that deals directly with Pornography addiction. Each step has a homework assignment, the action steps that guide you through the steps of repentance.

He cannot break the cycle without help. He cannot and he never will. Is recovery possible? YES, but without help it will only escalate and destroy the both of you. I remember back when my sons were young men. We were standing in the checkout line at the food store and there, at eye level, was a tabloid paper with "soft porn" pictures on the cover. I noticed that it had caught my sons attention. I said to them, "How would you like someone like that to be the mother of your children?"
Likewise, if your boyfriend only pays lip service to his problem, you can ask yourself, "Do I want this man to be the father of my children?"

Give him an ultimatum. If he whines and starts with the "needy" co-dependency games then I think that you need to quickly move on. There is hope. This I know to be true. May the Lord bless you with strength, discernment and happiness."
posted at 06:24:28 on August 6, 2010 by migail3
Oh Gosh you are lucky he was more honest than me    
"So blessed, count your lucky stars.

This addiction is a serious challenge and take all the advice Migail3 gave you. I am sure many more will comment soon so study all the counsel you will get and then after speaking to all those you trust (Bishop is a must) and parents are important too. Pray about it after making your decision and never go ahead without taking it to the Lord.

He has taken a massive leap of faith in you, I never had the guts to do what he has done, I admire that in him. A porn addict is not a bad person, it is a sick person. There is healing and there is hope. I think he has shown true character to do this now so all is not lost. Get the Lord's feelings on it and observe carefully the work your friend is doing to repent. Set some boundaries for him, and if he cannot stay within them then perhapse reconsider.

There will be many different views, my wife would say RUN LIKE HELL AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS HELL and there are many that won't.

It is a tough decision to make in a tougher situation.

God Bless"
posted at 10:30:53 on August 6, 2010 by ruggaexpat
delicate balance    
"Dear Hoper,

I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling. I have a couple of thoughts on this.

1. Not to downplay the seriousness of this, but the argument that some may present that there are other fish in the sea might not hold. There is no perfect young man out there. From my 6 months of studying this, and the statistics, it is a hard cold truth that the majority of young men in the church have some level of problem with pornography. Some studies show 70% of young men age 14-25 actively seek out porn on a monthly basis. Near 100% in that group have ever experienced porn and/or masturbation. The key to choosing a lifetime partner is finding someone who is willing to use the atonement of Christ and the repentance process. Your man values his relationship with you enough to do the hardest thing anyone could ever do: confess to you the problem. For me, just knowing that about him makes me put him on an even higher pedestal than the already high one that you two may be perusing a temple marriage together.

2. Read the recovery literature for spouses and significant others, including the link on this blog to your left (Family/Spouse's Manual). Ultimatums will never work. You never want him to slip or relapse or even give any type of tolerance for it. However, in most recoveries, slips and/or relapses happen. If handled correctly when they do occur, they can be an extremely valuable learning experience and tool to full recovery. Unfortunately, they can also be devastating and depressing, sending the addict into a downward spiral. The co-dependence games do happen, but often the wife or girlfriend becomes the codependent. Read everything you can on It is the LDS Church's website on the subject.

3. I didn't get married because all of my friends were doing it. I didn't get engaged because people kept asking my why I wasn't. My wife and I decided to get married because the Lord told us it was the right thing to do. That should always be your reason for doing anything. Pray to Him like you have never prayed in your life. He will be there for you, and He will answer your prayers in very specific manner. Get help from professional counselors and bishops and anyone else you can.

Thank you Migail for your heartfelt advise as well. I agree with the things you said, but since you didn't really define ultimatum, I clarified. The ultimatum should be that he be willing to put 110% into his recovery with professional counsel and bishop involvement, as well as addiction recovery meetings. The ultimatum should never be to be perfect from this day forward (in anything at all). It just isn't possible. Miracles happen, and they will.

God Bless you. I will remember you in my prayers."
posted at 13:25:39 on August 6, 2010 by lawrence
"I guess I'm one of those who doesn't have any meaningful advise except to tell you to run!! As fast as you can!! Believe me, you don't want this hell in your life. You don't HAVE to have this hell in your life no matter what the statistics say about all men being porn addicts. All men are not porn addicts. Find one and spare yourself a lifetime of heartache!!"
posted at 13:30:26 on August 6, 2010 by Anonymous
"To be more subtle, please just know what you are getting into. Even addicts who have been "clean" for years are difficult to live with. Just because the active addiction is gone doesn't mean we are "well". Recovery is a lifelong process and my advice to you is..."To thine own self, be true." What I mean by that is, please search your soul and ask yourself if you have the gift of charity that is required to marry an addict. On the flip side, addicts and their spouses who come through this thing out the other end and who are in recovery support-together, usually have no regrets. They experience a humility that is rare in this church. If you decide to run, you are NOT, I repeat NOT! an bad person. You are making a decision based on an honest appraisal of your abilities and NO ONE can fault you for that. Good luck!"
posted at 13:38:55 on August 6, 2010 by Anonymous
"You have no idea how lucky you are! You are one of the few women that gets to make a choice on whether or not you can handle being married to an addict! Most of us don't get that courtesy. It is thrust on us whether we like it or not. What a blessing. Having said that I would encourage you to really and I mean really think about it before proceding. I think if you ask the wives of the majority of addicts whether or not they would have willingly chosen this life they would say absolutely not! I think that alone speaks volumes about how difficult this trial is for a woman to bear. Please think carefully. If I could go back and make an informed choice I probably wouldn't have married my husband. Not because I don't love him or because he's not a good man. Only because I'm not strong enough to be happy with this is my life. If you are one of the ones that are strong enough then good for you! But don't kid yourself that it'll get better or he'll change or this won't be an issue once vows are said. It's beyond painful to have your eternal mate cheat on you time and time again. Not to mention the lies and deceit that usually accompany this sort of thing. Whatever you decide, good luck!"
posted at 14:55:27 on August 6, 2010 by Anonymous
I would run away and be so grateful that he was honest    
"Addiction to porn is an addiction as real with hard consequences like alcoolism or heroin, it is one of the strongest and hard to beat ones. Will you consider marrying an alcoolic or drug addict? Your life would be devastated the same as with the other addictions. It is an addiction that affects their capacity to love!!!! To appreciate women and to take care of their marriage. It cuts at the heart of the marriage relationship, it is like starting a marriage and building your life on a sandy foundation. That is why the prophets counsel us to marry someone who is worthy and already has no problems with the law of chastity!!!! I have been married for 1o years with a porn addict, I did not know that he was a porn addict at that time. No matter how wonderful a man can be, a drug addict, an alcoolic, a porn addict, a gambler, if given the choice I would definetely run away as fast as I could. The prophets counsel us to find a worthy young man to marry. Being married to a porn addict is hell, the hell you feel multiply by 100!!! There is no worse feeling knowing that your husband is so attracted to other women!! And if he can not kick this habit out, it can degenerates into actual adultery, sexual harrassment, my husband started lusting after every good looking women in our acquaintance, include my little sister, friends, young women at church etc... go on the spouse site here and read !!! This addiction is going to be a lifelong battle. If you can still love him and sustain him and are ready to live like thiis your whole life, then go ahead. I definetely wish I had had the choice, I would have run , run. It will affect your children as well, some addict's children become addicts themselves. It is so terrible, so terrible!!! Please go see your bishop, please save yourself!! Give yourself a chance for a real marriage."
posted at 15:11:56 on August 6, 2010 by Anonymous
"My friend works in a prison. As we were conversing the other day, he mentioned to me that there were a surprising number of LDS men in the prison system. The number one reason the most of them are there is child molestation. The number two reason is sexual assault. In talking with these men just about every single one of them admits that the whole thing started with pornography. It starts out small, like looking at magazines here and there. If left unchecked it can snowball into sexual crimes. I'm not trying to scare you but be aware that this is serious. That's not to say that he will be a rapist or molest your children. I'm NOT saying that! Just prayerfully consider. That's all I'm saying. And I ditto the other posters that said how lucky you are to get a choice!!!!!!!"
posted at 15:24:00 on August 6, 2010 by Anonymous
"There are worse things than being single. Don't marry someone because all your friends are getting married. A worthy man is worth waiting for."
posted at 15:37:33 on August 6, 2010 by Anonymous
Recovery is a relative term    
"Yes, recovery is a life time process. But what of the person who has been forgiven, has been sanctified by the gift of the Holy Ghost, has past through the Baptism of Fire and is now a Covenant Son or Daughter of God. The Lord remembers their sin no more. All it takes is Faith and Repentance. Alma 13:10-12
Faith, Repentance nigh unto death, buckets of tears, service in building the Kingdom of God. Addiction no matter what the form is always self serving. Hence, step 12 is serving others.

If your friend is in this life transforming process and continues, he will be one of the strongest people you know. One through whom the Lord can perform miracles. Someone you can rely on and trust.
The Atonement is for everybody. If they harden their heart and turn from the Lord's outstretched arms, then we have to let them be to their own devices."
posted at 16:20:07 on August 6, 2010 by migail3
I will ask my wife    
I am a porn addict.

I am also a WORTHY husband and father who has repented, does his church callings, attends the temple with his wife, has been in many leadership positions in the church, and taught seminary. I am giving the greatly needed help to my two teen boys so that they do not become a statistic.

Without the experience of my addiction and the subsequent miraculous recovery wherein Jesus Christ Himself personally rescued me in a most incredible manner, I would never have known Him like I do today. He is my Friend. He gives me inspiration. He is with me every step of the way. He calls me to give service to Father's children. When I call upon Him as Elder Holland recommended, as Alma did, "O Jesus thou Son of God, have mercy on me..." He extends His mercy to me and my wife and children. He has blessed me with a level of empathy that I could have never had otherwise for his fallen children. He has performed miracles in the lives of people I love through my hand and voice. I love Him with all of my soul. He gave me the weakness, (Ether 12:27) and He takes it away from me as I call upon Him daily. I have cast out devils and healed the sick and spoken in tongues, but not through any strength of mine. I boast only in my Savior and His great love and compassion for us all.

I won't convince you to marry this guy or not. Many say run away. Ask the Lord and do what He says. He won't you leave you out in the cold wondering what to do. He will make the answer clear to you. If you listen to Him, He will do both at once make your life the best it can be (according to His standards, which may include a heaping dish of challenges), and your boyfriend's life the best it can be, as far as you have control over it. The Lord might tell you to run away and stay away. If He does, it might be the catalyst your bf needs to totally clean up his life. He may bear witness to you through an unmistakable burning in your bosom that this young man is your eternal companion. Go with the Spirit. My own selfish opinion without inspiration would probably be to agree with the majority who have answered and leave him. Don't do only your own will. Do God's will and be blessed for it. Bless the lives of others."
posted at 16:26:24 on August 6, 2010 by lawrence
Amen Brother Lawrence    
"Hallelujah, Amen, Amen, Hallelujah Amen. From Handel's Messiah."
posted at 22:01:42 on August 6, 2010 by migail3
"I am an addict who has now been clean for six months. I started my recovery about 3 months before mine and my wife's twin boys were born. My wife does not know of my addiction. I love her with all my heart and now that I have begun to understand the gravity of my sins I cannot bear being dishonest with her. I have spent the last several weeks building courage and faith to confess to her, but I have to admit that all the "run" and "I would not have married him" posts are about enough to make me reconsider.

I love the Lord. With his help, I will beat this addiction and be as worthy a husband and father as I can be, but I am now more scared than ever to tell her."
posted at 09:41:06 on August 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Go and tell her    
"That is when real repentance starts to kick in. It is he hardest thing to do and I know how you feel but it is one way to truely show your love for your wife. The atonement can then heal you and your family. Don't now change your mind after seeing these run messages, the same applies to you, run and tell her the sooner you do the sooner you get that miserable devil to end this portion of the addict mindgames. It is worth the peace but know that your wife will have an unexpected visit to hell and it is more than a surprise, it comes like a tsunami of pain, suffering, anger and grief.

Courage brother."
posted at 11:47:23 on August 7, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Whom to marry is a choice not God's will!!!!    
"God always gives us the choice on whom to marry. There is not one person who is supposed to be and foroerdained to be our eternal companion. The prophets say to go and find the best and most righteous guy out there and marry them. It is not doctrine that it is God's will for us to marry someone specific. Very rare case has the Lord foreordained and determined for us to marry someone specific. The Lord just want us to marry someone we can get along with and someone who is righteous and will keep his covenants. That is the best guarantee for success in a marriage!!!!!!! I am married to and addict and am with all the women who have responded. Only those married with other addicts know how that feels like hell. And no one, at least I do not know of any who would wilingly done it knowing the hell. Some do it, and then find themselves regretting the choice. I do not know of any women , happy and fulfilled being married to an addict. No marriage at all is better than a poor marriage. Please reconsider. Would you continue to love him when he has eyes for other women. He struggles to be faithfull now. Being married to you is not going to make a difference. My husband who says he loves me more than anyone in the world was never able to kick the addiction out after marriage. It took him years, and he is not out there yet. It has devastated our lives and shattered my dreams for happiness. I do not even know if I love him, and I definetely do not trust him. So many heartache and broken promises. It reflects on our children as well."
posted at 14:02:44 on August 7, 2010 by Anonymous
My two cents    
"As always, my comments are mine alone. They are what I have found, and they are not meant to offend anyone. Others will, most certainly, disagree.

-Hoper, your boyfriend has a porn problem, and he has already shown he is (and probably will be) honest about it.

-Another man may have a porn problem, but he will not be honest about it.

-A third man may not have a porn problem, but surely he has other problems, as we ALL have problems. He, too, may be honest about his problems with you.

-A fourth man may not have a porn problem, but he may have other problems, and he will not be honest with you.

But I believe there are perhaps only two ways to classify men, not four ways. And I don't believe the classification is "porn addicts and non-porn addicts." I don't believe it is "sinner and non sinner." EVERYONE has and will make mistakes that HURT their spouse, I don't care who your spouse is. It is a sad fact that most men today have been caught by the terrible snare that is pornography.

I personally believe a better way to classify men AND women is "honest or dishonest; repenting or not repenting." No matter who you marry, Hoper, you will marry someone with past sins and future sins. You will marry someone who will hurt you in some way or another, intentionally and unintentionally. Just like you, your husband will not be perfect; and you should be ready for that. You will marry a sinner, and so will he.

So, if you have found a sinner you love, and he is honest with you about his sins, AND he is obviously and sincerely working to repent and overcome them, then I personally believe you have found the better of two types of men.

I admit, judging whether your man is being honest and repenting is difficult indeed. I would think that if he's truly trying to overcome, asking him to attend 12-step meetings and to read the scriptures with you daily should not offend him (at lest not for more than a day or two, while he figures out that overcoming is, in fact, what he wants to do). There are probably other things he could be doing to show his sincerity, but just telling you about his problem before asking you to marry him is, I believe, a VERY good sign. It indicates that he is honest and not deceitful. He will not wait to get caught before he tells you (and God) his sins. He loves you and wants to treat you right. He is worried about being a good husband to you. All of this is GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

Of course, my words only apply if you believe that an addict can be or can become a good person. If an addict can be a good person, I think your boyfriend is on the right track.

However, I get the feeling that some people believe that anyone who has ever been addicted to porn could never, ever be clean and good and worthy of the Celestial Kingdom, despite the atonement of Christ. If that is your judgment, then I suggest you leave your friend and find someone with a different set of sins, perhaps without any sins "worse" than your own.

As has been mentioned, your decision about whom to marry is YOURS because God has given it to you. Please consider what you have read on this site, but then make your own decision. Then, whatever you decide, ask the Lord if it's right. If you are living worthily and you trust him, he will tell you if it is wrong. If your decision is wrong, be sure to act on the promptings you receive! If you feel that your decision is, in fact, right, follow it and commit to it, and never look back.

If you one day marry this boy or someone else and discover that he is a sinner, always remember that this is EXACTLY what the atonement is for. Then, work WITH him to point your lives constantly and forever more towards the Lord. If both of you commit from the very beginning to put God first in every aspect of your life, and you keep your commitment by praying together and studying the scriptures together and attending the temple and church together, I am confident you can and will get through every challenge together.

Good luck, dear sister. It's easy to judge perfect people, but properly judging others who are guilty of sin is never an easy thing. Pray for the Lord's guidance in discerning whether or not your boyfriend is truly repenting, and the Lord will guide you."
posted at 14:24:46 on August 7, 2010 by BeClean
"I understand that addicts are good people, too. This is about what kind of life you are wanting and what set of problems you would like to have. IF YOU DON'T CHOOSE TO STICK WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND, DON'T THINK IT MEANS YOU ARE JUDGING HIM AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY!!! He has made a choice and you must, too. PLEASE CHOOSE WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND WHAT YOU WOULD FEEL IS BEST FOR YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN. THAT IS WHAT DATING IS ALL ABOUT: Figuring out what is best for YOU!!!!! To marry someone with a porn addiction is a SERIOUS decision. It will affect your life. You can read all about it here, both sides of the fence and decide if you are wanting this kind of life. and how strong you are.

There are women who can handle this well, but I think you will agree they are far and few between.

And to all of you: would you want your daughters to marry a man addicted to pornography?
You may love the husband they choose and try to be a support. But would you actually choose this for your daughters??? I would advise my daughter to be his friend. This affects the intimate parts of a rel

Just about every single spouse having to deal with this is having to submit themselves to therapy to process this in a "healthy" way. This is a very serious decision."
posted at 15:09:38 on August 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Answer to your question    
"No I would not WANT my daughters to marry a porn addict.
That is the honest feeling when I think about my girls.
I agree that the stage here is the dating stage and there is no commitment, so choice is free and no one can blame anyone for either choice to be made.

About what advice I would give, I would ask her to do what most of us have been saying here.

There has been some good advice here as I knew there would be for such a searching question.

I think we are all feeling different things when we write, some feel burdens lighter than others and some just find it difficult to let go. Whatever the case, it all provides for great advice as we all can provide some sort of reality for future expectations.

That again is the power of this site"
posted at 15:25:14 on August 7, 2010 by ruggaexpat
My daughter    
"Thank you, Anonymous, for your direct comments. I completely agree: this is HOPER's decision. Not yours or mine. We are all just giving our advice.

ALL of my sisters, ALL of my sisters-in-law, my mother, and my wife married porn addicts--if you define an addict as loosely as you can define such a term.

No, I do not WANT my daughter to marry a porn addict. But unless I'm naive, I can't expect my son-in-law to be perfect, either. Realistically, there is an EXTREMELY high probability that he will be a porn addict, regardless of what I WANT. And if my daughter does come home with a porn addict, how could I ever tell her to "run like hell" from such a man? My daughter would simply smile and call me a hypocrite. And if her boyfriend were guilty of some other sin--not pornography--and I told her to run from the sinner, she might well still call me a hypocrite.

If my daughter came to me saying, "Daddy, fiance-boy just told me that he struggles with pornography. What should I do?" I truly believe I would coach her in much the same way I just coached Hoper. And I would have my own sit-down with fiance-boy and try to determine for myself whether or not he is on the road to recovery, wanting to put God first in his life, but still struggling with strong feelings of lust. If he had not yet discovered the 12-steps, and if he were not already doing everything in his power to overcome, I'm sure I would give him a few tips. Like most of the women who have posted here, I would be extremely grateful that my daughter's fiance had revealed his problems BEFORE marrying her. I would chalk that up in his favor, because I would know he intends to be honest with her.

Ultimately, the decision to marry would be up to the boy and my daughter, as it is up to Hoper and her boyfriend. But I would counsel my daughter to marry a man who wants to put God first in every way, regardless of the current sin he is struggling with. And I would counsel my son-in-law and my daughter to always put God first and rely on him. Serving the Lord together in every way possible will eventually get them through all manner of sin, temptation, and hell. That is the beauty of a marriage sealed in the temple (see D&C 132) between two people who intend to endure to the end together.

Just my opinion."
posted at 21:28:51 on August 7, 2010 by BeClean
Not all men are addicts!!!!    
"This just not true, thou every man has been exposed only a small percentage around 10% (oustside the church, thou inside the church hopefully the percentage is smaller, as the prophets have warned us so much about this). I do not think that it is right to say that every man has problems and has sins, so why not his one. An addiction is not a normal problem, it makes your lif eextremely crazy, out of balance, right down miserable. I know intimately from my own family, great man who are normal and have happy wives. Thou, it is true that you should choose someone who put God first. CHOOSE SOMEONE WHO IS ALREADY KEEPING HIS COVENANTS!!!!!!! That is the best basis for happiness in marriage!!!!
I think you can tell from reading all of this ( if you can get through so much advice), addicts have a very different way of viewing their addiction and the consequences of their addiction then the women affected by the addiction of their husband. I think only women who have been married to an addict can tell you how that feels like. And I think like all the other women, that if given the choice, I would have run. Again, my addict is not a bad man, but a man who is struggling with a porn addiction, can not keep his temple covenant and marriage vows, there for, happiness in marriage is impossible.
Good luck"
posted at 22:14:57 on August 7, 2010 by crushed
What is the truth?    
"BeClean, you have stated many times that you believe that just about every man struggles with porn. I'm curious how you can possibly know that? I've read the statistics and they don't imply that every man struggles with this problem. They state that every man has been EXPOSED to it which is not surprising considering the world we live in. I firmly believe that most men, while they have been exposed to this, do not struggle constantly with lust, ect. I'm just wondering how you formed this low opinion about men. What a depressing thought indeed if you're right! If you're right, all our daughters are doomed to be the wife of porn addicts. I pray that you're wrong and my heart tells me that the majority of men in the church are not porn addicts nor have ever been porn addicts. I'm just curious why you have your opinion. Is it just because all the men in your family are addicts and therefore you think that's the way every family is? I'm geniunely curious. None of the men in my family except for my husband have had this problem. I think that most men honor their priesthood. Also, just my opinion."
posted at 00:21:25 on August 8, 2010 by Anonymous
Perfect VS porn Addict    
"I don't think this subject is about imperfection, it is about a struggle with a specific sin. Look the gravity of the situation for you Hoper is this: If you marry a struggling porn addict you are taking upon yourself a lot of unwanted baggage. An addict in any shape or form is an addict for a reason and the addiction is a symptom of much more graver and serious internal pain and suffering. You need to have a serious serries of discussions with the BF to find out what are the real problems. Then you cannot assume if he stops that you will have a happy marriage because those fundamental problems are still there and won't go away until HE DOES THE NECESSARY HARD WORK TO GET RID OF THEM. You cannot tell yourself that you can do it for him or help him on your own. If you do try then you open yourself up to codepedency and you do not need to develop this addiction. So this is not a simple decision in front of you but the Lord knows you and will not lead you into pain but peace.

Beclean here is the difference, I was not honest, and my wife is in the run category, you were honest and yours as you mention is of the stay category. Well I think you can agree that even that does not provide a sure enough lust free path for a Girl faced with such a situation. Hoper if you can accept that your BF can lust after another woman while amrried to you then you have difficult choice to make. I am sure you will not find a male addict that will want his daughter to marry a porn addict. I would never want that for my girls.

Beclean you have good arguments and yes I believe you are right concerning the atonement. Everyone needs it but some more than others based on the choices they have made. No matter how we word it there is a clear difference between an addict and a non-addict, both have been exposed to the evil but one chose to run and one did not, one found pleasure in it and one did not. One has a history of dependence with it and one does not. We as addicts belong to that group I am affraid and the ultimate question is does Hoper or anyone else in her position want to marry an addict AND ALL THE WEIGHT THAT COMES WITH IT?"
posted at 12:01:53 on August 8, 2010 by ruggaexpat
"As one that has worked in research I don't put much weight by statistics. Research stating that a certain percentage of LDS men are or have been porn addicts is only as good as the researcher. Most researchers conduct faulty research unfortunately. No research is 100% accurate. I don't think we'll ever know exactly how widespread the problem is. It's enough to know that SOME men struggle with it and that it definitely is a problem in the church. I think the statistics are a bit skewed in my opinion and I don't believe it's as high as stated. However, even one Priesthood holder per ward is too many!"
posted at 14:24:28 on August 8, 2010 by Anonymous
My hurtful comments    
"I have absolutely no intention to offend anyone. And yet, my honest opinion seems to incite many to wrath. I seem to have a different viewpoint than so many on this site, which I am perfectly OK with (I LOVE reading everyone's opinions), but I think there are some on this site who would rather I not spread my views.

Defending my stance at this point will probably just enlarge contention, and that is not my goal. Not to mention, the well has been poisoned against statistics, so it appears I cannot use them to defend myself, even though the Brethren use them all the time.

I cannot adequately describe how much I love my wife and how grateful I am that she gave me a chance...a million chances. She knew of my porn/mb problems while we were dating, and she chose to see the other parts of me--the person she knew I could become. She knew what I have only recently understood: I AM NOT MY ADDICTION. I am so much more than that. She also knew, even when we were dating, that she had problems of her own. Together, we committed to put God first from day 1 of our marriage, and we committed to help each other overcome our imperfections in humility. We committed to love each other for eternity. And we have been doing all of that to the best of our abilities. We have made mistakes, some times big ones. But I am so grateful that she is at my side, and our love is stronger than ever. I do not know where I would be had she run from me, and I believe she would say the same. I'm not sure I would have progressed the way I have without her unconditional love. We love each other, and we love our children. God has blessed us with a marvelous marriage and a wonderful family, and that is the truth.

That is just my experience. I can't promise anyone else will have the same experience. More likely, I can promise that I just offended someone else.

I am looking forward to a little trip in the near future. Perhaps when I come back I will have broken my dependency on this site, and the rest of you will no longer need to endure my punishing opinions. :) (Don't worry, I'm saying this tongue in cheek. No one here has offended me in any way. I just wish I weren't hurting so many people's feelings. That is NOT my goal.)

Good luck, Hoper. I truly pray for you (and everyone else on this site that I can think of while praying). God will be with you as you commit to follow him in everything."
posted at 19:48:11 on August 8, 2010 by BeClean
Oh dear Be Clean    
"I do not mind at all what you say. Some of the stuff you say, I can not agree with but I am grateful you share it because it gives me food for thought and helps me realize what is truth for me. I have no problem whatsoever with you or anyone else expressing opinion that are different from what I believe. You say a lot of good things that I agree with and some that I don't. But I love reading you nonetheless!!! Please do not stop writing!!! This site will just not be the same without you!!!!

I am happy for your wife and yourself, I think it is a good example, and she must be so strong and so charitable and christlike to have stood by you even thou you lusted after other women, and still loved you while you did it. Wow, that is an incredibly selfless person.

Anyways, I love reading you and do not mind any thing you writte thou at times I do not agree with everything you writte.
Sorry Hoper, I'm sure this has taken a turn , you did not expect. And I too pray for you.

posted at 20:31:23 on August 8, 2010 by crushed
"Maybe it's just time to put the soapbox away? In the program, there is a courtesy that we give eachother which doesn't really translate to this site. We don't give eachother advice. And we certainly don't give advice to someone we can't relate to, like the spouse of an addict. (Especially if we are an addict). It's just common courtesy. It may be the best advice in the world but it violates a boundary and it's therefore- offensive. We can lend support but to offer advice to someone who's shoes you haven't been in comes from a place of pride. I think you mean well. You are probably just new to the program. You'll get the hang of it."
posted at 03:40:30 on August 9, 2010 by Anonymous
"You have been given the beautiful gift of honesty from your boyfriend. How lovely that you get a decision in this.

I am a loved one...and as your Sister I of coarse do not want you dealing with this pain. But your boyfriend is also my Brother…and he is also in pain, and I personally do not believe every man or woman who has made such mistakes as these never deserves happiness. We all deserve happiness. As I read a lot of the comments stating “Run”, I felt the love these dear Sisters have for you…but I couldn’t get the picture of my beautiful husband out of my head. You see I can’t “run” from my husband…not because I’m blissfully happy with our situation at the moment…but because I see his potential, what we could have together. He has a beautiful spirit…yes that beautiful spirit was lead away and made mistakes that have come close to destroying our family. As I read through the comments on your post, I again realized how different each situation is. A lot of the loved ones that said “run”, might have things in their situation that they really should have run. Maybe their companion will never make the decisions to give them the eternal family they desire and deserve...again, it is their situation not mine. I pray you will find the right path for your situation.
You asked the question, “I love him so much, but how do I tell him that he needs to try with everything that he has, before destroying his self confidence even more?” In my own situation…I have to do my own healing…I cannot force my “healing” opinions on my husband. If I was addicted to pornography, I would be cured by now…I’ve read many books, trying to figure out how to beat this demon…but it didn’t solve our problem. I don’t regret reading all the things we can do to combat this enemy, it has given me sympathy for my husband in his situation. But I now need to start focusing on my problems…I’m co-dependent. Not a healthy thing to be. If you feel your boyfriend would be receptive to some ideas he can be doing I don’t see why you couldn’t suggest them, but he is the one who needs the motivation…you can’t have that for him.

These are strictly my opinions based on my own experience...Good luck!"
posted at 09:24:10 on August 9, 2010 by summer
"I personally love getting advice. Support is good. Support is great. But how many times can you read "Way to go. Keep going. You're doing great!" before it becomes just redundant. Sometimes you need someone to tell you what to do. Or to share what has worked for them. BeClean has had some significant clean time and therefore I believe his thoughts, feelings, opinions and advice are valuable tools! Beclean please don't stop writing. There will always be those who misunderstand where you're coming from or who take offence. When dealing with such a charged subject as this, emotions run high and sometimes people write before thinking. I know I have. I love hearing your posts and even though I disagree with some opinions I think they're extremely valuable. I've never thought you were on a soapbox. Ever. In the scriptures it talks about how sometimes the truth is hard to hear when you're not living right. I can't think of the exact verse. Well, I think sometimes when you "speak the truth" it's hard for some to hear. Thus, the reaction you sometimes get. Anyways, please don't abandon the group."
posted at 10:09:04 on August 9, 2010 by Anonymous
"Dear Sister Hoper,

Wow so much has been said and it stands as a testimony of the love we can have for someone we have never met in person.

I personally believe that we knew on some level in the preexistence that we would find ourselves in this most serious of trials in this life. I also believe the Lord did not just send us here and say " good luck, you are on your own". He gave us one another and we are blessed by him through this blog, 12 steps, leaders, and good councilors to reach out and uplift, advise, and lead one another through spiritual inspiration.

Hoper, you are faced with a difficult situation and a choice to make. You love someone who has made a terrible mistake. I am guessing that he is a good young man because you seem to be a very loving and caring young woman. If he knew what looking at porn would do to him and his future, I promise he would have never looked, never.

After dealing with this for well over 20 years and now, as a mother dealing with this with my missionary aged son, I cannot just say run! Why, because we are all finding Christ in a way we never have before. Before I began recovery as a co-dependant, I thought I knew Christ, but really I was just a Mormon. I was doing my daily check list and looking great to many on the outside. It was only six months ago that I truly realized that being a Mormon was not serving me well. I need Jesus Christ to transform my life, and I needed it STAT! After all of these years, I was a mess. Was it my hubby's fault? Yes and No! Yes he made decisions which shattered my dreams of what I thought life should be, of how it was all going to work out. But like anything in life, you will be faced with, it is all a choice.

I am at a point at this moment where I am becoming humble. I am realizing all of the years that I was selfish. That I did not handle our situation with love and Christlike hope. It was completely understandable that I was not strong. Please understand I am not in any way taking any responsibility for my husband's actions. I am just remarking on my own weakness which I believe made our situation more difficult for our entire family.

I see my husband differently that I ever have. I love him in a way that I never have. I know this love is from Jesus Christ. My husband too is on recovery. My son is in recovery. They both are struggling with temptation on a daily basis. The funny thing is that my anger is melting away and my true prayers for their success are sent out daily. I use to pray to be free for this hell, but now I pray for them to feel the atonement just like I am starting to feel it in my life.

This is not really advice, it is just a little insight into my life and how I feel 20+ years down the road.

I lost my way through pain, doubt, and depression. That's Satan's Plan. I am now finding my way and living hour by hour with hope and faith in my Heavenly Father and in his son. I do not know what will happen with the rest of my family, but I do know that I want my light to shine so that I may be a window to the love of Jesus Christ. After years of fighting this, I now know that only he can heal me and it does not matter what others do. My life is my testimony and I hope to do it better from here on out.

Fast, Pray, and know what you should do. The lord loves you and will lead you if you truly seek and follow his will.

Wishing you all of the best in your choices.

posted at 11:17:29 on August 9, 2010 by angelmom
Beclean if you leave this place is not the same    
"Seriously man.

We are not of the same opinion in many things but that is OK. We clearly are on many things and that is OK too. I admire you for not hiding your feelings and opinion. Your way to go's have helped me at various points especially in the beginning when I needed a shoulder to cry on. I just felt welcome by your response.

Others need that because I am not as good at it as consistent at it as you and others are. Some will appreciate it and others will not depending on which stage they are at. You have a softer heart than me I suppose and have had the atonement to really work within you as you have been clean longer than most of us it seems.

Your comments for one do not hurt me but make me challenge assumptions which is necessary. I cannot do that if everyone shares my ideas for recovery.

I actually think it is quite humourous that some are having difficulty dealing with your opinion. It is not as if there are a limited amount of ideas floating around this place.

Just remember you are in a different situation than most of us are as not many have the guts to face up before marriage. So the hope you share with your wife must also be understood in its correct context by us all.

Concerning advice, who on here has never shared advice when someone like hoper clearly asked for it? I am of the opinion that if we want to share advice we should because in my opinion how are we to learn on a blog without advice. I am here to learn and have done so from advice of others whether I asked for it or not."
posted at 12:26:46 on August 9, 2010 by ruggaexpat
"I agree with Ruggaexpat in that you shouldn't feel bad for sharing your opinions. You've done a lot to help people on this site, and you've encouraged me when I was feeling really down.

I also partly agree with the anonymous user that posted something about putting the soapbox away. I believe that it is important to understand when giving advice and insights is a bad idea; however, I personally don't feel like you've crossed any boundaries in this blog although I'm sure that even you would admit that you cross the line from time to time :)

Although it can be very helpful at times, I don't think that giving direct advice is always the best way to go about helping people. I've noticed in my own experiences of interacting with other people in recovery that telling people what works for me is usually a much better idea than telling people what will work for them. This is probably why the white book says, "we can only speak for ourselves."

Anyways, these are just my thoughts on giving and taking advice. By the way, thanks for your responses to my last post, Beclean and Ruggaexpat. It meant a lot, and I feel much better today."
posted at 13:38:27 on August 9, 2010 by ETTE
posted at 05:03:09 on August 10, 2010 by Anonymous
marriage is a crap shoot no matter how ya slice it    
"I'm writing from my phone so I'll be short. Haven't read any of the post so maybe this has ben suggested or implied already but here ys go. Th e way I see it; Summer vacation, with your"loved one" in Auschwitz or summer vacation spent with a loved one in Yellow Stone. Either way you'll be with a loved one and your in for one hell of a summer!

My wife knew everything before we got married. She has said in the past no matter what happens (worst case senerios in mind) she's grateful for the experience we've had and the things we've learned good and bad. I once said in horror as a newly wed when the demon reared his ugly head back into my life "this can destroy a marriage!"to my bishop. He smiled and almost laughing said "ha, cancer can destroy a marriage...way word children can destroy a marriage...they van also strengthen it."

I say RUN like the wind blows...but what ever you do suck all the experience out of it you can knowing there are no gerontees"
posted at 14:22:54 on August 10, 2010 by They Speak
Thank you very much everyone!- from HOPER    
"I've been taken a back by all of the responses that you have come up with, and the differences of opinion. I've prayed about my boyfriend for the last couple of weeks-- and read my patriarchal blessing, and I believe more then ever that he is my eternal companion. He has been doing a lot of groups and meeting with his bishop-- and I can see the light of Christ shining through his eyes. If anything, if we get through this it will defintley make our love stronger then ever, because it already has. This experience has completely humbled me, I never really had a stronger testimony of the atonement in my life. Christ has taught me how to forgive, and he has carried me all of the way--and I know he will continue to carry me. We still won't settle for anything less then a temple marriage, I want him next to me for the eternities. Our relationship has grown more and more and I know we have no secrets from each other, and there is not one peice of our lives that we don't know about each other. I think what has helped him-- is me being unconditional towards him, of loving him, and of reminding him of our eternal goal of going to the temple, and after we're married of going at least twice a month.

I know that a lot of you have said Run as far as you can. But I think that each situation is different. The Lord give me strength through my life, but my heart has nothing but love for my sweet boyfriend. I think a lot of it has to do with turning the other cheek. He is hurting himself much more then he is hurting me. Sure, it hurts when people ask me why I'm not engaged. But I would give up everything again just to have the deepness and honest relationship that I have with him now. I look at him how he should be without his addiction, and all I see is a strong man with a soft heart and more honesty in him then 98% of the guys I have ever dated. He loves the Lord, his family, he thinks the world of his mom and sisters. He respects me, and I know he loves me more then anything in the world and as such would do anything for me. I believe in the power of love-- and as long as I know he loves me with his whole heart then that is enough to get us through anything. I believe in living with no regrets, and as if your life were to end the next day. I know his addiction is his past, and probably a piece of his future. But for now, I'll live in the present and take each day with a breathe of faith.

posted at 15:07:59 on August 14, 2010 by Anonymous
Happy times    
"Yes no matter how much you have read from us here, there is no reason to believe that recovery is a lifelong thing. He can recover quickly if he wants to and sounds like he is doing all he can.

Good for you two"
posted at 15:27:56 on August 14, 2010 by ruggaexpat
"Congratulations on your decision and your love, Hoper. Stay close to the Lord. Always stay close to the Lord, and stand by your future husband--help him to stay close to the Lord, too. Visit the temple as often as you have promised, and make sure you read scriptures and pray together and alone every day. If you are doing these things, trying to put God before everything else, your marriage will be strong and wicked tendencies will fall away from your lives. I'm so happy and excited for you.

Has your boyfriend been introduced to this site? If he's working as hard as you say to overcome his addiction, he might appreciate this site, especially after the beautiful things you have said about him. I would love to read those words to the world from my wife (who is also my girlfriend). That would strengthen me even further.


PS to everyone else: I appreciate the support from many on this site. I was not looking for all of those wonderful comments, but it's nice to know that not everyone is angry whenever I post something. My experience is obviously different from most people's. I say thank goodness for different experiences and differences of opinion. It makes life interesting, and all of your thoughts teach me so much!!"
posted at 15:53:39 on August 14, 2010 by BeClean
then why do i try    
"ruggaexpat i have not read all the comments but i could only take so much of this. i am an addict who has stuggled with this for sometime, but only recently found help. i have a girlfriend who i have told about my problem. once i feel that i am able to be worthy i intend to be married to her. but by what you say, she shouldn't marry me. do you really think i am hopeless? if i am hopeless and i will never b able to repent of this sin then why do i even try?"
posted at 16:53:38 on August 30, 2010 by Anonymous
I've never seen Rugga say anything was hopeless...    
"What has been said, is that this addiction causes tremendous pain to wives and families. It has eternal consequences and can only destroy trust and intimacy in this life. That is, if it is not completely overcome and repented of. And that takes a lot of time, and sincere, concentrated effort working with the Lord.

You're goal to become clean and marry your girlfriend is honorable and very achievable, in fact, with the Lord's help you cannot fail. But you HAVE to do it with his help."
posted at 17:42:27 on August 30, 2010 by paul
Anonymous, You Should Try for YOU...For your own well being.    
"I have never read Ruggaexpat ever say anything hopeless, either. He has been here, like you, looking for hope and ways to heal his marriage and himself. It is mostly the spouses of the addicts that have written here to "run".

I am a wife, married to an addict. It has been a horrible experience. What you are reading here is reality and I know it must be painful. Some wives stay, some girlfriends stay. But it is a hard road.

Please keep reading the posts on this site. You are not going to like all you read, especially from spouses. But you don't have one yet. Perhaps it will motivate you to get rid of this "thing" in your life before you involve someone else in it. It is a serious situation, one that prophets have warned destroys families.

But I hope you will get rid of porn for YOU. That seems to be the only way any get over it. Not for girlfriends, not for wives, but because you don't want it in your life. I wish this for you and hope this is the reason why "you try".

There is a lot of hope here. Many of the men are trying to heal. You may learn from them. And they may learn from you."
posted at 18:19:59 on August 30, 2010 by enough
Do or do not there is no try    

To respond to your post.

There seems to be a serious amount of star wars fans around so forgive the play on words between this and previous posts of mine. I was recently "labeled" Young Anikan in a previous post so allow me to now leave the dark side and recall Yoda's famous reply to Lucky Luke.
In my opinion and I do not care what anyone else thinks on this issue as this applies to me:

In this challenge there is no try because the plain and simple truth I have learned is that it is not good enough. It will never be good enough because the pain it causes for the loved one far exceeds anything you and I will feel from it. Got to do it.
My pain led me to this crap that provided temporary relief. That pain I felt had nothing to do with my loved ones but all their pain has everything to do with me. How selfish if you really think about it.

Another fact that applies to me is that when I was addicted I did not like listening to the hard truth because it hurt so bad. It hurts to see the real damage we cause for others.

Another fact is that there is hope for those even trying. That hope though does not do it but we do when we hang on to it with our lives.

Can we really call trying repenting. I have learned that I for one cannot. Repenting is turning away for good, way different to trying.

If trying is not good enough then I cannot expect my wife I have damaged to give me a smoking chance. You need to decide if similar thinking applies to you.

One thing for sure you do not want to drag her into this misery. SHE DOES NOT DESERVE THIS CRAP AND I MEAN THAT. She needs spiritual and emotional security and no addict can provide that. If you can cut the crap for good then cool for you but if you cannot I stick by my opinion they deserve better and we need to be man enough to let them go.

You are doing better than I did at the same stage so be humble and learn from other's mistakes.

If you or anyone else is still thinking that this is more than enough reading from me, all I can say is sorry buddy but there are a whole lot of opinions on the site to appreciate."
posted at 19:58:19 on August 30, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Do your thang    
"Hoper, you seem like a wise chick. Love struck, but wise. Keep learning about this stuff now so if/when you need healing latter it will be easier. I think regardless of the out come, through the atonement and by using the understanding brain God gave you, your going to have an out standing life...if you can maintain that faith you clearly have now.

My mission president once declared "no matter who we are, we are all infinitely better for having associated with one another." I took this to include our less then ideal associations...provided there is an atonement! And though a lot of the ladies are justifiably bitter and regret it couldn't have been different (as are and do the men) whether they believe it or not, I believe, they/we are all infinitely better for our suffering...and for the associations we have endured. Provided there actually IS an atonement! Ha! Should I say it again? Hallaluya! ;) Ya feel me? Its our only hope that all our tears will be wiped away. Good news. Anyway, it seems like mr. boy friend bra of yours already makes you better. I take back my "run". You can take this if you will. Buckle up..."
posted at 08:32:06 on August 31, 2010 by They Speak
"I'm really surprised and frankly dissappointed about the amount of judgement being thrown down on this paticular thread. So many saying to run. The fact is, it doesn't matter what your man is doing right now! It matters who he is inside! Who he wants to be! And what he is willing to do to be that man! Many addicts are hard to live with, they never truely get better. But many of the strongest people I know, some of he BEST people I know are recovering addicts. It's a hard road, I'm not gonna sugar coat and tell u to stay with him stay strong and it will be alright. You need to sit down and have a serious talk. Tell him that you will not allow this to corrup your life or he life of your future family. You have to make a commitment to stand with him when he is sober and working the program, but be willing to leave if he gives up. If you think this is the hardest thing you will ever face in your married life you need to think again. He was honest with you, he has a desire to stop, now it's time for home to put his money where his mouth is. If you love him, and know this is right for you, then u stay and you sit down together and form a battle plan. Your a team now. You have to set goals and make it happen. One thing I cannot stress enough is he needs to get into the program. I'm Aldo trying to set up and online lds meeting specifically for porn addiction if he would be interested. HE HAS TO GO to recovery though, you can't do it alone and this program is impressive in it's ability to show us what we need to do to get ourselves right again. Good luck, please feel free to contact me personally any time, I have a lot of experience with addiction in general as well as this paticular addiction."
posted at 14:20:05 on August 31, 2010 by Tjditch
"This WILL be one of the hardest things ever in a marriage. You can't avoid or deny counsel given from leaders stating the destructive nature of this to spouses, children and family. Don't call them judgmental. Call them casualties of an addiction they didn't ask for. Don't down play it."
posted at 15:18:25 on August 31, 2010 by Anonymous
When one says to run is from experience living with an addict!!!!    
"Tdjitch.... this has destroyed my life and possibly my children's life... so many broken dreams and promises!!!!!!!!!!! It is one of the worse from of psychological abuse, etc... Marriage to an addict has been a living hell!!!! Cheating, lying, cheating, hiding, irreliable, defensiveness to cover up, no sprituality, anger bout, emotional instability, lazyness, no interest in wife and children when acting out, etc.... tell me which women in their right mind having gone trough this hell will ever prescribe anything but RUN!!!!!!!!!! Do the apostles juge when they tell us to marry RIGHTEOUS priesthood holders?????????? Otherwise, I agree with what you have said mostly and I know you mean well, but do not tell me that when I say run, I am judging addicts!!!!!

posted at 20:33:45 on August 31, 2010 by crushed
Been on both sides    
"I want to start this by saying that I am a s~x addict and I have also been married to two s~x addicts. I wouldn't rule out marrying another one. It wasn't the addiction that ruined either relationship.

I'm shocked (but maybe not totally surprised) at the judgement in some of these replies. I understand that some of you women have been hurt, but to say flat out never marry an addict goes too far I think. I know that I have never cheated on my spouse or lied to cover up my addiction. Lying, hiding, being irreliable, no spirituality, anger, etc. can be found in non-addicts as well and aren't necessarily things that all addicts do. We are all imperfect people.

I think the fact that Hoper's boyfriend is being honest is a good sign. I know that part of the problem with my second husband was that he lied to me about the extent of his problem. That's one thing about dumping someone because they say they're an addict, you never know if the next guy is just not going to say it. My second husband married his first wife in the temple even though he was acting out. Went on a mission without confessing something that got him sent home when he did. There are NO guarantees. My second husband was emotionally abusive and had an anger management issue (and a lot of other problems). His unwillingness to deal with any of them is what ended the marriage, not the fact that he was an addict. Maybe it helps that as an addict I understand that it isn't about the spouse. I understand the hurt, I really do, but I've been hurt just as much by other things in my spouses as by their addictions. I don't plan on getting married again outside of the temple, but I wouldn't rule out marrying a recovering addict. There is forgiveness and recovery for addicts. It is not hopeless and doomed to failure if one of the spouses is an addict.

posted at 18:58:04 on September 2, 2010 by dstanley
Please watch Dr. Weiss on youtube    
"Please watch the below video lecture from Dr. Weiss on youtube. It will give you a better idea of what you are dealing with.

I knew my husband struggled with mast as a teenager and slipped up thru his mission. When we were first married there was no internet.

I personally do not regret marrying my husband. We are working through his addiction and my codependency. It is a long hard road. In many ways, I soooo agree with the sisters who say it is HELL! Those who are upset by the members who are advising hoper to "RUN", please try not to judge them. These sisters are trying to warn hoper and save her from unbelievable pain.

My advice to hoper would be...please be sure that you have worked thru all 12 steps yourself, and that he is in recovery for a very, very long time. I would not knowingly go into marriage with an addict unless they are in complete recovery. When we got married, we did not understand just how damaging this problem was.

Hoper, this is a personal decision. Truly the reason the war in heaven was fought, was so that you can choose your destiny. Just be sure that you have armed yourself with information. Please be sure that you read your scriptures daily, and also be sure that you spend a lot of time on your knees. Our suggestions may be helpful, and we are all well meaning, but at the end of the day, it is the Lord who will lead you. No one person, just God!

I am unsure about the future, but I am sure that my Father in Heaven loves me more than I can imagine. And.... loves you and your boyfriend just the same. No amount of sin can change his love for us!

I am praying for you.


Here are the links ;) /> /> /> /> /> /> /> "
some advice    
"There is some great advice. Follow the spirit and my advice is do not tell anyone close to you (family and friends) about his addiction. If you do marry him, then it could turn into a problem. Definitely talk to the bishop. Just follow the spirit and good luck."
posted at 02:59:15 on September 3, 2010 by Anonymous
Anon, Really? Keeping Secrets    
"Keeping secrets is part of the problem. Do not tell anyone close to you (family and friends) about his addiction?????????? Please tell those close to him who can help. Keeping secrets about my husbands addiction kept me suffering in silence and shame. Sin festers darkness, and silence is darkness.

Especially talk to those who can help YOU the most. I was alone for too many years, afraid of the shame. Everyone just thought I was crazy and they had no idea why. I needed help, blessings, anything. My bishop was great for my husband but offered no help for me. It was not until I became open and stopped hiding that I found relief.

I cannot imagine anyone suggesting to keep secrets. Sin and addiction thrives in secrecy. Especially this addiction.

Shaing with family does not mean sharing the details. All they need to know is that he has an addiction to pornography and you need their love and support. Eternal Families are not for pretenders. We all suffer from various types of sin, and what better way to bring a family closer that to ask for their love and help.

Satan would have you and him ashamed and hiding. That is what the devil does, that's his job.

Go by the spirit and never never suffer in silence. Every single person is touched by this in some way. But do it in your own time. By the time you are on step 12, the cat is outta the bag and you are helping save others from this awful addiction.

Once through recovry, you are a missionary to bring others back to Christ.

And that is a beautiful thing..."
posted at 09:52:45 on September 3, 2010 by Anonymous
ANON Really? Angel    
"I totally agree Secrets are what make families sick. It has been my experience that you should pray and seek your Heavenly Fathers advice as to who you should tell. He will direct you to the people, family or friends or Priesthood holders who are able to help you and your loved one. Some friends and family members may not be supportive and may actually cause you more heartache because of their inability to refuse to judge you or your loved one in your decisions. Definitely do not do this on your own. You need help. Pray, seek guidance and listen, ponder..... It is hard to discern when you are in an intense emotional state....Satan and his angles are working overtime. (The GREAT DECEIVER) When you receive an answer do not be afraid to go in prayer again for confirmation from the Lord. There are examples all through the scriptures of Prophets even Christ who have gone to Heavenly Father in prayer and the first responder is Satan. If you are not filled with PEACE then inquire of your Father in Heaven again. PEACE can not be counterfeited.
All of you wonderful women on this site encourage me. I am amazed at your strength, courage, love and your willingness to reach out in love.
Angel, the links to Dr. Weiss's are great. It may be too much temptation for our addicts to use because of the other s-x clips that pop up. You may just want to go directly to his site. or Could be my blockers need to be upgraded??? Dr. Weiss was a God send to me.
Love and prayers to you all."
posted at 11:29:34 on September 3, 2010 by byourownhero
""eternal families are not for pretenders" That should be in Dale Carnegie's Inspirational Quotes Collection. I'm lovin that hard. Almost as much as I'm lovin this thread!"
posted at 12:51:24 on September 3, 2010 by They Speak
Anon, Really? Keeping Secrets    
"Keeping secrets is part of the problem. Do not tell anyone close to you (family and friends) about his addiction?????????? Please tell those close to him who can help. Keeping secrets about my husbands addiction kept me suffering in silence and shame. Sin festers darkness, and silence is darkness.

Especially talk to those who can help YOU the most. I was alone for too many years, afraid of the shame. Everyone just thought I was crazy and they had no idea why. I needed help, blessings, anything. My bishop was great for my husband but offered no help for me. It was not until I became open and stopped hiding that I found relief.

I cannot imagine anyone suggesting to keep secrets. Sin and addiction thrives in secrecy. Especially this addiction.

Shaing with family does not mean sharing the details. All they need to know is that he has an addiction to pornography and you need their love and support. Eternal Families are not for pretenders. We all suffer from various types of sin, and what better way to bring a family closer that to ask for their love and help.

Satan would have you and him ashamed and hiding. That is what the devil does, that's his job.

Go by the spirit and never never suffer in silence. Every single person is touched by this in some way. But do it in your own time. By the time you are on step 12, the cat is outta the bag and you are helping save others from this awful addiction.

Once through recovry, you are a missionary to bring others back to Christ.

And that is a beautiful thing..."
posted at 14:32:30 on September 3, 2010 by Anonymous
Longest thread    
"and it grows and grows"
posted at 21:13:44 on September 3, 2010 by ruggaexpat

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"Now, my brothers and sisters, let not Jesus’ redemption for us stop at the immortalizing dimension of the Atonement, “the loosing of the bands of death”. Let us grasp the proffered gift of eternal life! We will end up either choosing Christ’s manner of living or His manner of suffering! It is either “suffer even as I”, or overcome “even as [He] … overcame”. His beckoning command is to become “even as I am”. The spiritually settled accept that invitation, and “through the atonement of Christ,” they become and overcome! "

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987