Sharing my thoughts on the trials we find ourselves in
By Angelmom
7/22/2010 2:16:00 AM

Because I have been dealing with this on all levels, some days are better than others. However, I find strength in working through the steps. I also feel great support through this Blog.

I have deep gratitude because I see myself and my own feelings in what others are expressing. It reminds me that I am not alone in dealing with it all. I am truly learning how to "let go and let God". I am also grateful to read posts from the men who write. I feel great hope when I see many men love their families and their God so much that they are willing to do whatever it takes. I see it working. I also see the pain men feel as they struggle. They hurt for their wives and it almost seems unbearable for them, because they know they are the cause.

Even though many of the men relapse, I see them overcome and start over. That is what the Savior did for each of us. He suffered everything so that we can keep making mistakes. And through it all, the moment we truly repent he is right there to take it again.

I believe that if most of the men posting here thought for one moment that looking at porn would devastate their sweet wives and innocent children, they would never do it. That's the problems with mistakes and sins we don’t know they are mistakes, until we make them. We connot connect with the sin until it nearly destroys us. That is why we should spend our days staying close to the Lord. Read his words, pray, and be humble. We all need it. It does not matter if we are the addict or the loved one affected. We all need to do all that we can. Sure Christ will apply his atonement just for the asking (and true repenting), but how much better would our lives be if we simply trusted and followed him. He knows our greatness even though we may not.

For Wives and Moms like me, I feel your pain and see your strength as you move forward to protect your families. This is the most confusing place to be in life. I have found myself on my knees time and time again trying to make sense of it all.

I am trying to support recovery of my addicted loved ones and keep my home safe from the evils of the world. In the meantime, I know that I need to heal. I need the atonement. I need Christ every minute of every day. I have felt the anger, sadness, and discouragement that come with this mess, and yet I know that those feelings can motivate me to turn to Christ or motivate me to justify my anger and please the Devil. Sadly sometimes the Devil wins. I hate when that happens.

I cannot just go to the ARP meetings. Although they have been a true answer to prayer, I find the true strength in working through my steps daily. Something new I am doing now…each day, the first thing in my prayers is turn this mess over to the Lord. I find that if I try to make sense of all of this, I tend to make myself crazy. I have to many whys going through my head. I have stopped asking why when I give it to the Lord and I am now asking for guidance on how to navigate through it all.

I cannot know if those around me will fall to temptation, but I can stay near to God and try my best not to fall to the temptation of becoming mentally ill through it.. I believe that when this happens, Satan wins big. Getting the men is easy. Although I know some women struggle with this problem, I believe it to be more of the exception. If Satan can get a sister to be depressed and non-functional, she will neglect herself and her family. That is when he is in hog heaven! If he gets us, he gets the whole family. I believe that in most cases, we are truly the heart of the home, and what better than to completely wipe out the heart to kill the whole family.

Marjorie Hinckley once said” be kind to those you meet, because everyone is fighting a hard battle”. We are all fighting a hard battle. Most of us live in the middle of the war zone of the soul. I believe that our only hope is to turn to our Savior. If we will just do that, than he can fight the war for us.And we know who wins.

It’s hard, yet the answers are so simple.

You are all in my prayers and on the prayer rolls of the Holy Temple.

May our Father in Heaven keep us as we pass this most difficult of latter day trials.



What happened to Enough's blog    
"Sorry Angel, to steal your blog, your comments are always inspiring you are superstar of a person. Thanks for sharing your faith, hopes and fears. I saw a blog by Enough yesterday that was so heart wrenching but right on in what so many are going thru, I think it helps to feel her pain, it helps all of us to want to come to Christ, only he can heal that kind of pain but we can be spured on by such pain caused by addiction. She could be my wife, all of you give me insight into what I have done and how I can improve. Sometimes we all just need to be reminded of what we have caused, this battle is a constant thing, I can never let down my guard or Mr. Addict is ready to go. Thanks again for all your blogs, it helps all of us in this community."
posted at 08:41:59 on July 22, 2010 by Anonymous
Enough are you out there?    
"Anonymous, it appears as though Enough has deleted her post.

Enough- I understand that all of this can be overwhelming at times. Especially us wives feel for you and what you are going through. I just wanted you to know that I placed your name on the prayer roll today. Although I do not know your real noam, Heavenly Father does and will bless you through this most difficult trial.

My prayer is that you will again reach out to all of us. It can change your life. I know it has mine.

You are in my thoughts and prayers this day. I am here for you if you need an understanding sister to lean on. No judgement, only sisterly understanding. Email me anytime.


posted at 10:28:42 on July 22, 2010 by angelmom
Thank you to both of you.    
"I posted for the first time and was thrown off by the first response.I am concerned that any out there, like me, considering posting, would not. . I understand all are healing here. I don't want my posts to bring out the worst in people and I am not wanting to defend my feelings. I am looking to heal. I am trying to find a forum that helps me to see clearly. Is it possible when people don't know you? Thank you for thinking of me. I am touched by this."
posted at 19:24:19 on July 22, 2010 by Anonymous
To Enough    
"If the latest Anonymous is Enough, we do want you to be here and to participate in our forum. We need your comments, your feelings, your thoughts. We want to hear your failures and your successes.

There are, of course, people on every forum who will rub each of us the wrong way. There are people who disagree with us, and there are people who are at a different stage of life than we are. Consequently, we should all be prepared for some feedback and comments that we like and that we can agree with and other feedback and comments that get on our nerves.

But I absolutely LOVE to read all of the varying view points on this site. Please don't remove your voice from us. Please comment and post and read the comments and posts of the other loved ones and of the addicts.

Please try not to take offense at anything anyone says on this site. I think the vast majority of people on this website are only trying to help each other, but sometimes we don't know exactly how to do it.

Whether you decide to continue to use this site or not, Enough, please find a 12-step group for spouses or loved ones near you. That is a place where you can start the healing process, which is possible only through the atonement. Your local 12-step group will help you to heal. Whether your husband wants you to go to such a group or not, please go. It will help you in ways you can't imagine. And perhaps your husband will start to realize just how serious his problem is when you tell him you have had Enough, and you can't do it alone any more. He and you must both seek outside help to get past this problem, and you should start NOW.

We love you and pray for you, Enough. Welcome to the team."
posted at 20:23:40 on July 22, 2010 by BeClean
I am so sorry, Enough.    
"I am a jerk and what I shared was more about what is going on in MY life right now, so I am really, really, really sorry for the displacement. Please forgive me. I am so dumb sometimes!"
posted at 20:44:40 on July 22, 2010 by Anonymous
I want to read what you had to say enough    
"Do not worry... I think I might be labeled as one of the angry loved ones and have posted stuff that might have rubbed people the wrong way, some have responded... But more people have shown me the compassion and empathy I was looking for and helped me. Do not give up just yet..."
posted at 22:11:37 on July 22, 2010 by crushed
I Really Need to Heal.    
"I am so grateful for all the support being given to me here on Angel's post. I have been sitting on my feelings for a very, very long time. Except for the ones I give my husband. I fear sharing them. I've journaled some. But, for posterity's sake, I feel they need to be burned. I've written in (disposable) notebooks, but feared they would end up in a church bag on Sunday or read by babysitters. I have such powerful feelings and yet I feel so stifled, trapped and weak. I am so tired of this.

This time around with my husband, the strong feeling was I needed to care for myself. I called and visited with the sister who heads up the Spouses Support Group in our area and met with her. I see why you recommend the 12 steps. I have a copy and have been trying to process step one. I feel it's truth, but I haven't been able to completely own it.

Angel, thank you for sharing your post and thank you to each and every one of you for being compassionate. It strengthens me and has been so unexpected. I am grateful."
posted at 15:26:46 on July 24, 2010 by Enough
"You are one courageous lady.

In fact all you sisters are incredibly strong and a light to us all.
I do not understand all the ins and outs of addiction and I will not try to.
Angel you are right on the money, this particular addiction is meant to go after you guys. In his grand scheme of things I believe it was designed to easily trap us addicts with the aim of trapping the real prize, as you mentioned the heart of the home. This is fact sister and as I stated previously here no one can make me believe otherwise.

Enough I remember reading your stuff and I told myself while I am resented at the moment by my wife, I understand why she feels the way she does. That sort of straight forward writing is what I need to see frequently to help my wife through her current trials (the mess I have created). You like all of us must just write and get the emotional junk out your soul. This is a medium that has proved very helpful in that regard.

I really believe that if I cannot write what I am feeling to satisfy others on this site well then I may as well find something else to do.

God bless sisters"
posted at 13:13:01 on July 28, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Trials Within    
"I appreciate so much of what is said on this blog

I have so much knowledge regarding this recovery process and I have been told more than once that these feelings of sadness will pass, but some days I feel that the consequences from the past mistakes of my husband (and mine, due to my co/dependence) are with us to stay.

I see difficulties and insecurities in my children’s lives’ that have come with growing up with the spirit that comes with this struggle. They may not know what has been going on in our home their whole lives, but their spirit feels it (if that makes sense).

We have remained active in the Church, prayed daily with our family, and most of the time we read our scriptures. However, my kids have pretty much not connected with anyone in most of the wards we lived in. People seem to either ignore them or wrongly judge them. They are rarely invited to play (hang out) in other’s homes, and never called to any leadership positions at church .They are good kids and I hear some lip service from people here and there, but we don’t seem included in anything “important”.

I often feel like we are treated like we are less when it comes to church relationships. I am smart enough to know that this does happen, and I also know families in similar situations who were not treated this way. But I wonder if this is caused by the mistakes of my husband.

Although I appear strong and confident, I often feel out of place at church. I live with a lot of sadness. BTW, I have never had a problem feeling connected before marriage. But since marriage all I want to do is cover my head most of the time. I feel warn down much o the time.

I hope I am not confusing anyone. I love the Lord, I love the Gospel. I know it is true; I just really struggle with the culture in the Church. I see so many families connected, but I feel like we do not fit in. Sometimes I wonder why I subject my children to this.

My husband has always been a good man. It is not as if I discovered this problem after years of lies. It was always there. He did not live in secret from me, but he has always lived in pain. He loves his family and would do anything for us, but he is generally not a happy man. He has been hard on himself as well as his children. I do not have a hard time forgiving my husband, especially as he has been clean for a long time. I have a hard time because of what I see in my family as a result.

I’m I making any sense? I go in and out of these feelings. I am either feeling disconnected or I am ignoring my feelings. I would love for my family to feel the joy that is supposed to come with being an active member of the Church. It often feels like an uphill battle. One in which I am sick of fighting.
Any advice? "
posted at 05:14:50 on August 1, 2010 by Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,    
"Are you and your husband attending 12-step group meetings? If not, you should be. You can both be free of these pains and trials you are causing yourselves. The atonement is real, and it can heal you. I feel for you, and I will pray for you, whoever you are."
posted at 05:44:55 on August 1, 2010 by BeClean
We attend 12 steps    
"Yes we are attending 12 steps and have been for quite a while.

I neve though it as trials we are causing ourselves. It is possible we cause othes to treat us this way, but is it possible that unkindness, judgement, and mocking come from inside the church?

We do not seem to have these issues outside the circle of our "ward family". It seems sometimes the worst judgement come from those who are placed in position over us.

Not sure. I think it is strange. It does not change my testimony, it just hurts."
posted at 10:32:10 on August 1, 2010 by Anonymous
"I can totally relate to how you're feelings. I feel the same way. I've felt judged and looked down upon in my own ward. I can sum up the attitude I get by referencing beclean's last comment. That is exactly the condescending manner that I get from certaing people. "Oh, you poor thing. Look what you've done to yourself. If only you'd kept the commandments"
The good people in my ward, thankfully, make up for the bad ones. I cringe when people judge because I know they are only setting themselves up to have the same trial in the future.
In my opinion, if you and your husband decide to stay together, that is going to go a LONG way to protecting your kids from a lot of the insecurities and uncertainty as they transition into adulthood. We don't have to be perfect parents. We are even allowed to be downright awful parents, sometimes! If we model edurance and strength and the humility of being human, those are the things our kids will internalize- not our character defects. Good luck to you and never stop reaching out. There's always someone nearby who understands what we're going through and can offer support, non judgementally."
posted at 12:13:05 on August 1, 2010 by Anonymous
We all live in Glass Houses    
"I noted this morning that BECLEAN has not posted in several days. I started to look for his last post and came here. The words above crushed me.

Sometimes when I get excited about something I have found I want to share it with everyone. When it has worked for me--I want everyone to have it. I believe and expect and hope it will work for them. Perhaps this is where BECLEAN was coming from. I also know that when someone hits home close to something I am sensitive to, something that is really important to me I am more likely to be defensive and make incorrect assumptions about what they are saying. At any rate I haven't see BECLEAN post in a few days and want to say I am sorry I didn't say something sooner.

In AA and in many addiction groups we are reminded to avoid "Cross Talk". The posts on this website are liberal with cross talk and I think there are some great blessings that come from giving and receiving advice from others. But many who come here are struggling. They are working with heavy hearts. Cross talk can be very damaging as well.

posted at 08:42:01 on August 5, 2010 by Seekrecovery

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" Is it possible to reclaim a life that through reckless abandon has become so strewn with garbage that it appears that the person is unforgivable? Or what about the one who is making an honest effort but has fallen back into sin so many times that he feels that there is no possible way to break the seemingly endless pattern? Or what about the person who has changed his life but just can't forgive himself?The Atonement of Jesus Christ is available to each of us. His Atonement is infinite. It applies to everyone, even you. It can clean, reclaim, and sanctify even you. That is what infinite means—total, complete, all, forever. "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006