By They Speak
7/15/2010 6:10:39 PM
I have so much to tell my wife I can't believe it. CAN NOT BELIEVE IT. I almost see hear stranded swiming for her life in the middle of the ocean in an already dark storm...i can hear the the rain the thunder the wind her struggling...i can see the lighting flash on the water...its so lonely... and my impending confessions are the enormous rogue waves that are seemingly endless and on route toward there no mercy for anyone! esspecially her. the innocent. fu. i cannot find my trust. yet it must be done inspite of that. i freakin hate this. i just want to make it okay for her and i cant. i would have left her in the garden...sometimes this plan blows....sorry for bein vulgar. im so desperatly sad.


So sad for you and her    
"So sad for you and especially for her, but it must be done. I would have a hundred time prefer to know the truth at any time!!! In those circumstances it is the best and only thing you can do for her and will liberate you and her as well. Good luck. Finally knowing the truth about my husband destroyed my life, or nearly... however I prefered to know the truth and it liberated me in some ways to focus on the right thing instead of continuing to build something that was not there ( I had been doing what I feel is useless efforts to rescucitate a dead marriage, reading marriage books, and forcing him to take me on a date, etc.... ) Now at least, I can concentrate on my life, on the children properly, it hurst but it is so much better to know the truth etc.. So it really is the kindest thing you can do for her, despite the hell it will bring in her life. Good luck l"
posted at 18:53:34 on July 15, 2010 by crushed
Things will go right    
"They Speak, I hope you don't mind hearing from me, my brother.

As you move forward through this very difficult part of your recovery, I know you are doing the right thing. And if you continue to press forward, the day will get brighter and brighter. If you never turn back, you will eventually feel the joy and peace that comes from living in the light. Things will finally go permanently right, and everything you suffer will be worth it and will be for your experience. I know it. Keep going. Please keep going! I am praying for you!

I don't know what you have yet to suffer, but I'm sure that it will be absolutely terrible. The consequences of your choices (and my choices) are, frankly, disastrous, and we will all have to face the music some time.

Better now than later, I am sure of it. If we go through it all now, things will eventually get better for good. If we wait...they may not.

Again, I am praying earnestly and desperately for you as you take the next step."
posted at 19:33:57 on July 15, 2010 by BeClean
I promise I will pray for you too    
"They Speak buddy this is a massive step in recovery and I argue that it is the hardest and when done with 100% honesty (holding nothing back) then recovery can really progress for your entire family. I can see it in my own situation. I have seen a serious change in your attitude and spirit and dude I have never met you funny thing is that I know you are my brother and having endured the same addictions you feel more of a brother to me. I enjoy reading your stuff and hope to read more soon. Satan will change game plan once you carry out the confession as it should be done and all that work will be driected towards the ones you love. I am still learning all about this but I know this is the real damage that is done on the family. Someone told me on this site my hell is coming to an end but hers is about to begin without warning and with an almighty bang. So be patient and afford the loved ones time to process the package of destruction heading their way. That is all I can say I wish I could say more and I hope others will add more because you my friend need all the strength you can get for this. That strength will be complete (entirely from the savior). He will forgive you quicker than you realize and his grace will attend you during the process as it is now. Try to stay focused on him, remember him with all you got and whatever you do follow the plan with your whole soul.

I feel for you. I wish I could say something to make things easier but just know man you are not alone, we all have been in your shoes and know that it does get better no matter how lame and useless that means right now.

May the lord bless you and give you the peace you are in need of"
posted at 20:03:11 on July 15, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Thanks dude.    
"i wrote this about a month ago and didn't post it public because at the time i thought it sounded humble and i didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea and think i was gettin humble or anything. but i wanna post it cause you helped inspire it and you should know your posts are helpful and welcome. so that being disclaimed here ya go

What Is To Be Gained

i don't why im writing so much on here or rather i don't know why i started. now that im down the road a month or so i really like re-reading my posts and seeing where i was at and seeing what others had to say.

i was just reading my first post and pretty amazed at how i let beclean have it after a few reminders he gave me as to where im at. its humbling...looking back now having confessed to a few folks and a counseler because in the process of verbalizing my choices and expiriences my sins have become increasingly real and whats amazing looking back is that i still had the gumption to get on somebodys case for saying basically "'ve commited adultry...kindof a big deal..?.." i feel small...and not in the destructive way.

I often find myself only hoping that i can become humble and honest in the end of this. I feel its the only thing left to be gained. What better reminder to be humble? I can think of none. I used to have the pride of being able to say in effect "well at least im not that guy". In lds meetings there was always the run a the mill guy struggling with porn but then it would get to "the real sinner"...and you could always feel it...well, now im the real sinner. I just don't want to forget that. I believe this could compel me to be more loving for i've lost all those rights that never existed to feel negative emotions toward all men/women and must never forget. YET everyday I catch myself out of habbit harping on people and making fun of them for the dumb things they do, for small slips, and think to myself quietly..."how could you"? Can you imagin?! I, ME, judging...being mean. i honestly always considered myself an unjudging and forgiving person and thought myself rather unassuming in what peddistle i placed myself on in relation to others...yet now being acutly aware i realize that i've always been harsh with the small things and now i want to stop...i get emotional, all amazed, when i realize what i think that entails...

i hope i can like Nephi reconize the need to remember and rid myself of Lamans marry "rudness". be still. i hope that i can do this in good humor too. this is what i prayed for in the sincerty of my heart the first morning i woke up "taken in the very act" (John 8) by my own concience...that i could put down my stones and weapons of war and remember my own sins only...that i could be humble. on my own account i expect nothing of no man or woman"
posted at 20:21:52 on July 15, 2010 by They Speak
Thanks for your comments, They Speak.    
"So...does that mean you really are going to tell your wife sometime soon? I'm still praying for you either way. It's nice to know where you are at."
posted at 20:29:10 on July 15, 2010 by BeClean
Like I Said    
"...rouge waves on route. patience young anikan"
posted at 20:49:05 on July 15, 2010 by They Speak
however that post was kindof off topic    
"that had little to do with my overwheled post. i just felt like leting you see that not all your effors are ill recieved ;) and even when they are ill recieved im glad i was able to give my self more evidence of my pride i.e. thanks for all your posts bra! if your questioning yourself knock it off. its good stuff man. thats all im sayin"
posted at 20:52:50 on July 15, 2010 by They Speak
"Agreed. Kindred spirits brotha! Thanks for the encoragment.

Crushed I dont know if you woman on here know the full extent and value of your comments. Mind boggling how much it helps to hear from a sista! doesn't matter, angry sister happy sister thoughtful sister wise sister silly sister suffering sister healing sister...i see my wife in all of you and being able to read your thoughts and take the time to process them and conjugate them with my own experience i feel like it gives me insight into my wifes heart and mind...and im able to empithies at least on some kind of quazi haphazard addicts leavel. i feel like im able to put down the archetypal narcissism of the addict when i read your guys's (gals's) least for an all to breif moment

honestly this is the first post...i've ever felt i could see as best i could this scenerio from (woo almost put her name) her perspective...and It killed me. I don't know why the fiction brought home reality for me more then the truth itself but i feel it did. un-numbing to be sure. had a good cry. i never cry aside from feeling the Spirit so i knew this was big time. anyway nothing like seeing your inocent best friend abandon and alone and suffering at your to do nothing (for whats been done)...and seeing the Savior...there was little differnce in my minds eye. i deserve all the hell i can get if i refuse to repent."
posted at 21:21:44 on July 15, 2010 by They Speak
Awesome post    
"That last comment was amazing, They Speak. Thanks. And I completely agree with the impact of the sisters' comments on me--all of them."
posted at 21:28:49 on July 15, 2010 by BeClean
"I'm glad there is a place where spouses and addicts can talk. Hearing what others in my husband's situation think and feel is very helpful to me as well. I couldn't exactly crash his meetings and ask poeple there.

Thanks, by the way, for the compliments on the other thread. About telling your wife, Theyspeak: You know this is what you need to do. Crushed is right. Putting it off is not kindness, and there is no other way forward for either of you.

She will hurt terribly. It will feel like someone died. Hopefully, she has a support system, because she will need to work through a lot of pain. This is the way, though . You know that right? You can do this. A bunch of us are praying for you both.

Now set a date, and go though with it. You can,"
posted at 21:57:22 on July 15, 2010 by brighthope
A gift you can give…    
"Vulgar?...Na. I saw beauty in what you wrote. When I read your post, I could really tell how much you wanted to help your wife’s pain go away. My heart goes out to you man! My husband has the same problems as many men. Some men come to their wife’s with a confession…and some don’t. Some women find out here in this world…and some find out in the next. I had to find out by finding things…my husband did not come to me wanting to change, he was bummed he got caught (btw…his attitude has changed, and he is trying his hardest to be the man he said he would be). I wish (oh I so wish), he would have come to me with the truth. That would have done miles and miles for me in my recovery. The Lord gave me a tender mercy by allowing me to find out in this life…oh boy, heaven would have been a bad place to be the moment I found out...I needed to know so I could work through this in this life. But the gift of honesty from your husband…really is priceless. I know you know this, but she will find out…in this life (hopefully) or the next. You probably think I’m crazy calling a confession a gift…But she has to know and best case scenario would be it coming from you.

The topic of mercy has come up in previous posts. Yes Christ has mercy on the sinner and also those sinned against. And we need to have forgiveness in our hearts regardless of our willingness to stay in a marriage…it is a hard line to walk. Once you do confess…try to have mercy on your wife for the long haul. Think of how many years you have been struggling with a sexual addiction…it very well could take her years. In so many cases we are not prepared for this kind of shock and pain. So yes, it takes time (more time, than either party would like to admit). Try to love her through the pain...if she heals with you by her side supporting her, it could make all the difference in the world. I have tried to see my husband’s problem as a disease. As much as I hate feeling the way I do…I cannot help it (I have somewhat of a depression disease myself, which surfaced after the truth came out). As I attempt to see my husband as someone who really did not mean to destroy me or our family…I hope that he can see me as a person who is just sick right now…and could use a little/a lot of TLC. It’s really a hard road. Help each other through it. It’s hard to know just how your wife might react…everyone is different. But try to just give her what she needs…a nap…a tissue…a shoulder to cry on…company (just being with someone who is suffering can ease the pain). My sweet husband has a hard time when I cry…he says he is the one who caused the pain so there is no way he can help relieve it….NOT TRUE! At times I feel like I am in a million pieces…and when my husband just holds me it feels like the pieces aren’t scattered as far as they once were.

I’m sure more prayers for you and your wife couldn’t hurt, count me in. :)

posted at 18:44:26 on July 16, 2010 by summer
summer is right    
"summer is right. You need to tell her. One of the things that bugs me the worst is the way I found out. I get so dang mad thinking about him living a lie for 20 living a lie too and not knowing it. It is utter hell, I actually think it is worse than a death in the family in many ways when you find out. BUT oh how I wish he had come to me. I would have appreiciated that very much . I love my husband desperately, more now than when I found out....but it is HELL to find out . It gets better, but man does it hurt for a long long time. This is serious doo doo ;o("
posted at 23:57:11 on July 26, 2010 by robin
Thanks a lot guys (gals)    
"I recently moved back from several states away. having been separated since april and had all that time to think, and its finally game time. My wife and I move back into our house that we've been renting out the second week of september. When I got back she was rightfully expecting a talk but I don't want to deal with this at my moms. I told her I would talk to her about everything from adam to armageddon the second week of september. She seemed satisfied with that. So I'm locked in...and it feels damn good.

looking back few of my prayer over the past 6 months have been more sincer, if sincer at all, then the ones offered in hope that He could prepare (best as possible) and be with her for this storm. at times I know I've been pessimistic about God being a God of prayer...but having returned home and heard of her experiences with the Spirit and her own prayers I know He's been with her and my prayers have been answered. Not only that but ironically she's shared considerably about her new found love for King David, King Solomon and also Samson threw teaching about them in the primary. She's not just paying it lip service because she knows I'm an idiot too either. I can tell she's studied and been touched by the Spirit and seems to manifest a great deal of empathy and very real understanding. All these things have put me at confidence in God to work with us threw matter the out come.

Brighthope, crushed, robin, summer....thanks. Freak dude, thanks!"
posted at 14:56:53 on August 24, 2010 by They Speak
Thanks for the update THEY SPEAK    
"I believe your prayers will continue to be answered. Thank you for your honesty and sincerity. I think I understand what you mean when you say "I am locked in and it feels damn good". It took me a long time to realize that total honesty is needed for recovery to work...I suffered for years because of what I was hiding. After I got some of those things out it was so much easier for me to move forward in recovery. For one thing once I had moved past those things I knew I was truly in a position to return to God (without having some shadow of guilt hanging onto me anytime I thought about temple promises...). Now that I've gotten it all out I am free.

You've got some challenging days ahead as you share your trials with your wife. God will be with you. Many here will be with you too! Thanks for letting us know your story and for sharing your progress. Be patient with your wife and with yourself. Sometimes when my spouse got upset with me it was like a wound I had started to heal being re-opened in a savage way. But it was not her fault. What I had already worked through she was just learning about. At times it was really hard. But now-our marriage is so much better...but it took time.

posted at 23:16:26 on August 24, 2010 by Seekrecovery
We are here for you    
"Dear Brother,

Thank you so much for your honesty. I am always humbled as I read the posts of addicts fighting with all they have to beat this addiction.

It is going to be the hardest thing you have even done, and the possibly hardest thing your wife has ever endured. I pray that you will both make it through this stronger than you ever thought possible.

A beautiful sister at my meeting tonight brought up the following story and it touched every sister in the room.

After feeding the five thousand, Jesus sends his disciples ahead of him in a boat to cross the Sea of Galilee. Several hours later in the dark of night, the disciples encounter a storm. Jesus comes to them, walking on the water. This terrifies the disciples and they think they are seeing a ghost. Jesus tells them in verse 27, "Take courage! It is I. don’t be afraid."

Peter replies, "Lord, if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water." So Jesus invites Peter to come. Peter gets out of the boat and begins walking on the water toward Jesus. But when Peter takes his eyes off Jesus and sees the wind and waves, he begins to sink. Peter cries out to the Lord and Jesus immediately reaches out his hand and catches Peter. As they climb into the boat together, the storm ceases. Then the disciples worship Jesus, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

This story reminds me to keep my focus on the Savior and not the storm. So I pray we can all do so as the storms are raging in our own lives. I began feeling the storm raging again tonight and this beautiful story of Peter brought me back to keeping my eye on Jesus, for in my darkest hours, he truly reaches out and all I have to do is to take his hand, and he will lead me out of the storm.

Jim speaks the truth when it comes to wives, and it will take so much humility on your part to show love to her when the storm begins to rage. It is hardest on me when my husband pulls away and becomes angry when I am weakest. He is not a man who feels joy much of the time and when I weep, I know it hurts him. Mostly he is kind and apologetic, but lately he is cold. So whatever you do, please do all you can to be warm and understanding when she is her most angry self. It may not seem like it, but it will make a difference.

You and all of our friends on this blog are in my heart and prayers. I learn so much and am humbled by your love for your families, and your love of the Savior. I strengthens my testimony and brings the gospel back into focus.

My prayers are especially with you and your wife.

Your sister in Christ,
posted at 00:52:11 on August 25, 2010 by angelmom

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"Lucifer will do all in his power to keep you captive. You are familiar with his strategy. He whispers: “No one will ever know.” “Just one more time.” “You can’t change; you have tried before and failed.” “It’s too late; you’ve gone too far.” Don’t let him discourage you. When you take the path that climbs, that harder path of the Savior, there are rewards along the way. When you do something right, when you resist temptation, when you meet a goal, you will feel very good about it. It is a very different kind of feeling than you have when you violate commandments—an altogether different feeling. It brings a measure of peace and comfort and provides encouragement to press on. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990