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Is your husband like mine?
By angelmom
7/6/2010 4:33:28 PM
I am very thankful for all of the comments on my last post. I know we are not alone, but even if we have support, we will always feel a sense of oneness. That is the way this trial works. This sin hits the family in so many layers; I will go into that in another post.

If your husband is unrepentant and lies and justifies his behavior, I am so sad to hear that. If that is the case in your life, you are completely justified in leaving him and getting on with your lives if that is what you decide to do. If one spouse's intentions are evil or deceitful and they refuse to come clean and change, you really have nothing to work with regarding the marriage. That may sound harsh, but I believe it to be true. Of course each decision is personal and should be fasted and prayed about. The spouse who is sinned against needs to make that decision on her own, through prayer. Never trust other people to decide the fate of your marriage. Not a Bishop, Stake president, marriage counselor, no one! Please put all of your trust in the Lord, he will never fail you. I believe it takes great faith and courage to make this decision whatever the answer you receive.

If your husband is like mine, he is weak. He made a huge mistake. In my case that mistake was made years ago and intensified with the onset of the internet. That mistake has deeply hurt me and our family as you can see if you have read my posts. Having said that, I know that if he understood that looking at that garbage was going to reap the damage it has, he would have never looked in the first place. Now that he has looked and is addicted, he has been fighting this for years. He has done everything humanly possible to overcome and is now in recovery with a church 12 step program. My husband is a good man. He loves me, he loves his family, and he cares deeply for his membership in the church and is a good friend to those around him. Because he fights to overcome his addictions, I stand with him.. Does that mean that I do not get angry, very angry sometimes? No. Does that mean that I smile and pretend that all is well? Well, I have to say that sometimes I do. That is because I am just tired. Otherwise, I usually do not do that. I hurt a lot of the time. I decided to go to the meetings because my life was flipped upside down because of his porn problems. I could not be the mom I wanted to be. I could not be the church member I wanted to be. The list is a mile long of could not’s. I decided to put myself in recovery because I need to heal.

I never before understood that I needed to go through the 12 steps to heal me. I just thought that if he gets his act together, all will be well. I thought that if he just stopped our lives would change. I learned that to be a lie.
Many women, including myself become upset and ask, "How could he do this to me if he loves me?" "What is wrong with me?" In my case, he does love me; he just made a very bad decision years ago which has hurt our family in countless ways. It had nothing to do with me and who I am; It had everything to do with him and his problems. I have often cried because I did not ask for this, but here I am anyway. We never ask for our trials. I guess the Lord thought I could deal with it.

Going through the 12 steps cleanses my life. I may not be addicted to porn, but I have plenty of sins and problems that need the Atonement and I am finding that healing balm through the 12 step program. Aside from your husband, what is your problem?, what are your sins? Where have you fallen off track? Are you a control freak like me?. Has the pain led you to food? Has it lead you to eating disorders?, Prescription drug abuse, alcohol, crime, plotting....there are divers ways. Pick a problem and no matter how you got there, the Savior is there with his arms stretched. He comes with healing in his wings. All you (we women) need to do is let go of the pride against our husbands and accept his gift. I believe in our case that his gift is wrapped up in the church's 12 steps for us! It does not matter if your husband deserves you to do this program. It does not matter that you were sinned against. This is for you and you alone.(even if he never gets well).

The women's group is long overdue and is only in the pilot stages right now. If you do not have a group in your area, please go to the missionaries who run the addiction group in your area and ask for a women's group. If you would like the manual (special for wives) to start working on your own, I am happy to email it to you. My email is myangelmyfriend@gmail.com . Just send me an email and I will send it to you. if you want to remain anonymous, quickly open a Gmail account under a different name and email me. I understand the privacy thing, believe me.

I am working on putting together a weekly phone conference call for women who want to remain faceless (which is most of us), but want to connect with other women to share our thoughts. I will post when I have one set up. We are all struggling so much and I feel the need to help you and help myself at the same time.

My prayers are with all of you. I place the name "Wives of porn addicts" on the prayer roll every time I attend the Temple.

We are sisters, nameless, faceless sisters in Christ. We will help our families and we will do it through Christ.

If you are the addict, please share this post with your wife.
Thanks for taking time to read this.

Angel

Comments:

That is a wonderful post, Angel    
"I agree wholeheartedly, and I continue my prayers for you and your husband. Thank you, as always, for your comments."
posted at 16:55:07 on July 6, 2010 by BeClean
Angel you are a rad sis in Zion    
"Whatever that all means.

It was cool reading your post and I really want you to know that you rock sister!

Fantastic idea to get a conference call, I know my wife would want to sign up well maybe but I hope she does.

It makes me want to be even better to her."
posted at 19:36:19 on July 6, 2010 by ruggaexpat


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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004