By bobhere2112
6/26/2010 7:12:11 PM
I feel very cliche for posting after a relapse. Commenting on the guilt, hopelessness, depression, and all the other cliche emotions that go with relapse. This one is especially bad because I was doing well and was more ready than I ever was to really committ. When it comes down to it, I have a hard time doing all the necessary actions: read, pray, etc, when I have a hard time believing in God. I can't wrap my mind around it. So when i do those things, I feel like I am living a lie. So, I am living a lie when i am entrenched in addictive behavior, and I feel like I am living a lie when I am trying to get out. My whole life is a lie. I am usually able to pick myself back up pretty well, not this time. Considering the seriousness of my actions (I am currently excommunicated) I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to punch it. My marriage has been distant because I am unable to like myself, so I can't let her get close to me. My kids love me unconditionally, but I feel guilty about that because of, well, me. So there you go.


You are worth it    
"Hang in there and don't give up."
posted at 13:17:20 on June 27, 2010 by ruggaexpat
if it makes any difference    
"...i have faith in your faith in God.

I've always treated blaming Satan's influence like a peasants scape goat...but through experience i'm coming to believe i've suffered more for my erogence and trust in my intellect then i would have for thinking like a peasant. Thats my disclamer. Here's my thought. Don't believe the real lie (the real lier) that you don't believe. You do."
posted at 13:46:53 on June 27, 2010 by They Speak
..."arrogance" and "liar"    
That's why our "intellect" can't be trusted."
posted at 16:36:03 on June 27, 2010 by Anonymous
"Our spelling is not why our intellect can't be trusted. Air-uh-gans is why our intellect, and our spelling, can't be trusted. Funny and ironic though i'll conceed. Thanks for blast Mr. Anonymous spelling bee champ. Keeps me humble.

Really though Bobhere I just wanted to say even though sometimes im slow to recognize Satans influence I do believe or am coming to believe its real and i'm personally inclined to think it is he, not your good sense, that would have you doubt your own belief in God. Maybe i'm projecting and thats just my experience. Good luck mate.

oh and on the intellect note I think its actually a wonderful thing to be trusted. Just not over the scriptures or to the discount of their message ergo "satan's influence". thats all im sayin"
posted at 20:02:17 on June 27, 2010 by They Speak
"After a few re-reads (im also slow to catch on to just how funny, sad etc things are the first read threw) I do have to say that is pretty dang funny where when and how I threw down those mis-spells...rediculous!"
posted at 20:14:40 on June 27, 2010 by They Speak
Thanks for posting    
"They Speak, I really appreciate your testimony shining through on those last posts.

Bobhere, when you are trying to get out, you are not living a lie. It is impossible to be living a lie when you are chasing the truth. God is truth. He is real, and he loves you. I know it. So do those Brethren we call apostles. They are his witnesses of his resurrection and divinity. Look to their words and let them convince you that He lives, because they know it without doubt, beyond simple belief.

You can know it, too. But that knowledge comes only one step at a time, as you humbly try to keep the commandments.

So you relapsed and stumbled. Get back up. Thanks for posting. There is NOTHING cliche about it. Many more people need to be doing it. It seems we haven't heard someone post about a relapse for a long time. I hope that's because we are all doing exceptionally well, but I doubt it. Perhaps I have scared everyone off of this site.

Anyway, thank you for posting about your struggles. Keep posting. And keep up the good work. You said you had been doing well. Hurrah! Focus on that. Get back to turning everything over to the Lord. He is there for you, and he will let you know it."
posted at 01:52:54 on June 28, 2010 by BeClean
You are loved eternally    
"Hi Bobhere,

Please do not ever believe the big lie.

You are so loved of the Lord and I know by experience that Heavenly Father will lead you when you ask. He will lead you, even in your sins. He lives and love you more than you can ever imagine. You are His, and He does not make junk!

At times you may not be worthy to take the Sacrament or enter the Holy Temple, but you are always worthy of his love. And it is His love that will see you through this, the most difficult time of your life.

May you keep Him close throughout you days ahead.

posted at 11:23:17 on June 28, 2010 by angelmom
Get real with God.    

Alma tells us that if we have no more than a desire to believe that we should let that work in us (Alma 32:27). From personal experience I promise that your Heavenly Father can take more honesty than you can. Don’t say what you think you should or what you think others want you to say when you pray, say what you feel. Get as real with Him as you can stand and you will be surprised. Getting help from God has less to do with being worthy and more with being honest and sincere than I would have ever thought. I’m not saying that worthiness isn’t required for other things that have already been mentioned and for receiving guidance from the Holy Ghost. It definitely is. On the other hand our Father is willing to start a relationship and give us help from very unworthy and uncertain positions. Take for example King Lamoni who killed people for losing sheep, or his father who in his first prayer obviously wasn’t even sure God existed: “O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee…” (Alma 22:18) There are many examples in 12 Step recovery of people starting a relationship with God from the depths of hitting bottom. I asked Him once right in the middle of looking at porn, to take the desires away. He did. In the midst of extended relapses I’ve told Him a couple of times that I didn’t really want to quit, but knew I should and asked Him to help me desire to quit and that desire came. Alma and the sons of Mosiah were the “vilest of sinners” before enrolling in their personal scared straight program. (Mosiah 28:4)

Don’t listen to Satan. Most of those negative thoughts are not coming from inside your head. He will do whatever he can to keep you from changing, and he is good at what he does. If you are trying to pull out of your addictions you aren’t living a lie. Living a lie would be putting on a front so that others will think you righteous.

Tell God where you are at and what you need, and then don’t resist Him. It is surprising how much he can do with us. They don’t call it being born again for nothing. Soon you won’t have to believe, you’ll know from personal experience."
posted at 17:09:30 on June 29, 2010 by justjohn
worthy to be guided by the Holy Ghost?    
"the Holy Ghost speaks the Words of Christ. the Holy Ghost is sent by Christ as a Comforter. The "worthiness" we need to hear the guidance of the Holy Ghost is the same as we need to come to Christ. We need to believe in Him, we need to come unto Him. Its unlikely a person is in recovery without some understanding of Christ's standards and having a desire to come unto Him, to receive a remission of sins, to seek forgiveness. This is the guidance of the Holy Ghost. I was excommunicated, too, and I am restored to temple blessings for over one year now. I was not in recovery before I knew there was a God Who reached out for me, I felt a desire and I felt sincere Love. There wouldnt have been any other way for me to lie about recovery... hmmmm... I admit most of my former life doesnt exist anymore, but in my recovery, I know I am putting God first. I know even in a life that stays together, there can be real forgiveness and **worthiness, the shedding of Christ's grace in new hearts. How else can we receive Christ but by the Holy Ghost? Jesus is doing for me what I couldnt do for myself and to an extent I wouldnt have even thought about... I realize I am going to be more free/happy than I had "planned.""
posted at 22:10:57 on June 29, 2010 by saltsands
"Superciliousness, conceit, egotism, superiority, overconfidence and arrogance are all forms of pride. I totally agree with Saltasnds comments. I'm from Australia so excuse the spelling LOL. I lost count of the amount of times I have relasped over the years. I always knew I was progressing and I was not going to give up. So please don't give up.

"President Ezra Taft Benson defined pride:

Pride is a very misunderstood sin ...

"Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

"The central feature of pride is enmity enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellow man. Enmity means hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition. It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

"Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against Gods. When we direct out pride toward God, it is in the spirit of my will and not thine be done ...

"Our will in competition to God will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled (See Alma 38:12; 3 Nephi 12:30).

"The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their live (see Helaman 12:06). They pit their perceptions of the truth against Gods great knowledge, their abilities versus Gods priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works." (in Conference Report, Apr. 1989, 3-4; or Ensign, May 1989, 4).

I have notice with those people in my life that have been ex-d or disfellowshipped from the church that they are aggitated "the spirit does not always strive with man." They have to work harder to stay on the straight and narrow. I have seen the change in them when they have been restore to full fellowship. It is all real and it is worth it. You are worth it. I have felt the Saviour's love and forgiveness in my own life. I thought I knew it all and that I really knew what pride, humility and forgiveness was. I knew nothing until until I honestly followed the steps 1 through 9. Visit my website My contribution to recovery."
posted at 02:40:08 on July 3, 2010 by Another_Dad

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"In a decaying environment, the mind is the last redoubt of righteousness, and it must be preserved even amid bombardment by evil stimuli. Christ is competent to see us through, “for in that he himself hath suffered being tempted, he is able to succour them that are tempted” As promised, He will make either “a way to escape” or a way “to bear it”."

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987