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This has really been hard- PLEASE pray for me.
By angelmom
5/21/2010 5:37:59 PM
It seems like the more I focus on my step one, the harder this is getting.

I know that this is part of the process of healing, but I just hurt. I know I have to give this to God. I am doing it many times a day. I am on my knees, praying in the car, always praying.

I am very sad and it seems that the more I dive into this, the more distant my husband is becoming and the more sad I feel. It is so hard and so painful. I did not ask for this, but I m willing too deal with it. I cannot stop crying. I cry off and on throghout my day and night. You would think that because I have known about this problem our whole married life, I would be dealing with this better, but I am truly falling apart.

Can I ask a special favor of everyone who reads this?. Will you please pray for me. I am very down and feel like giving up. I just need the strength and I feel alone. Eventhough I know in my brain that I am not alone, I feel so alone.

Thanks,
Angel

Comments:

Angelmom    
"I wonder if you can do me a favor. You said in another post that your child or you husband is angry with you. Will you please not let them treat you badly? Their addiction is NOT your fault and they have no right to treat you with anything but respect. You don't have to let them. You can refuse to be treated angrily. Let them keep their negative reactions on their side of the street. I know how hard this is because I had to do it myself. If your son doesn't treat you with respect and he is over 18 you can tell him he needs to find a new place to stay. If he doesn't live with you, you can tell him not to visit until he can learn to treat you fairly. You don't have to walk on eggshells around them. You can have your dignity and they will have to find a way to adapt to YOU if they choose. But in the meantime, they need to treat you with the respect you've earned or if they can't manage that-they need to leave you alone. Thank you and I love you for your honesty and fortitude."
posted at 19:04:45 on May 21, 2010 by Anonymous
I hope for you    
"I will say a prayer in my heart for you tonight. I promise.

Please cling on with your hope, don't let go please don't let one finger slip.

You can do this and I can do this.

HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE SISTER.


Your heart is definately in the right place.
Call on the angels to help you, call on the Lord and his spirit.

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE, NEVER, NO MATTER HOW ALONE AND DESPERATE YOU MAY FEEL RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

God bless"
posted at 21:47:56 on May 21, 2010 by ruggaexpat
I will continue to pray for you...    
"You have my prayers, AngelMom.

In my scripture study the other day, I found it interesting that Moses (in the book of Moses) had to tell satan to leave several times before he finally left. I know in other scriptural places, prophets tell satan to leave once, and he's gone. Not so for Moses, and I suspect for some of us. Nevertheless, if we remain faithful to God and keep telling satan to leave, he will eventually go."
posted at 22:02:28 on May 21, 2010 by BeClean
How's your health?    
"Disclamer: this may be irrelevent

You sound depressed. Duh right? Sounds to me like your doing everything you need to spiritually. How are you doin physically? I know for me, and this is just me, that when I'm not doing to well often times the way I feel physically is a huge contributor if not the only contributor. When I don't feel good physically I see cercumstances in a differnt light/dark and often its weeks before I realize its not whats going on around me that is causing my dismay but whats going on inside me. I then seek to remedy my physical stress and 9 out of 10 times though the things that are going on around me are still happening I can handle them and i proceev (just sound it out my friend...just sound it out) them much diffently.

Remember the temple...we need to be nurished constantly both spiritually AND physically.

For me my list of things to consider when I'm feelin blue, off, anxious, fragile, unmotivated, or just not myself are thus:

#1 is Sleep. With in days of irregular sleep patterns (like right now :) I can expect to feel certifably howel at the moon crazy. Thats why maybe you shouldn't be reading this...your listening to a crazy person! Ha.

#2 is Exercise. If im generally inactive (the American way) for more then a week or so I begin to lose intrest and motivation for...everything. It's hard to notice how rad life is when I hear the birds, smell the air or see the clouds in a seting sun when my body is to filled with unworked angst to feel enything else...whether im concious of it in the moment or not. I know if I feel monotone inside or the finess of experience seems dull then i need to drag my self out for some activity

#3 Diet. Whole foods rock. Sugars and stimulants suck. Over eating will kill ya. This usually takes months. At around 190 pounds I'm starting to feel the mental earth quakes a rumbling the shelves on the wall but nothin major...i can manage. At 205 I can expect 5.0s and up on the emotional rickor scale daily...untill I do something. Plenty of exercise and good food and water and oxygen is my red cross when I've let it get this far untill I get back down to stable (under 185 180).

I haven't been over wieght or rediculously unhealthy in years and Im very greatful. Honestly truth be told given my current spiritual situation had my physical not been where it is and utilized for sanity like it has...it would of undoubtably been the death of me.

All this was just a thought. Maybe your a vegetarion marathon runner who knows. But it deffinetly sounds to me like your doing everything you can spititually. If a car with a full tank a gas wont start cause it has a dead battery...you dont try to put more gas in it. Ya dig? That doesn't mean i'm assuming its your health. or that praying more wont help. it could be a spark plug a carborator or your husband is just bein a butt or any number of things. The health thing is just what came to my mind as i read your post. God will help you know what your needs are. Good luck sista!"
posted at 13:45:26 on May 22, 2010 by They Speak
Empathy    
"Angelmom, I wanted to write and tell you that you are in my prayers. I have not walked in your shoes -- I am the addict, not the spouse of an addict -- but I can empathize with your situation. My wife has been through so much that she shouldn't have had to deal with; she didn't ask for it either. I am sorry for your pain.

One of my great goals in life, perhaps one I will never achieve, is to be able to be at peace in the midst of storms. (That reminds me of a great conference talk by Henry B. Eyring.) If I have to wait to be happy until life is easy and I've overcome all my trials, I'll never be happy. It's hard--very, very hard--to feel God's light in my life when the world is falling apart around me. But real inner peace doesn't depend on external events; it depends on faith, on forgiveness, on worthiness. Those are within your grasp, even when others around you falter or refuse to change.

God bless you.

-finallyfree"
posted at 00:48:22 on May 23, 2010 by finallyfree
Hang in there    
"I just finished my prayer for you. Thank you for being willing to deal with this. It is a sad thing that no woman should have to deal with. But your strength and willingness to suffer for those you love is, in a very real sense, the hand of God working in your family. Stay strong and know that there are many of us out here pulling for you."
posted at 10:49:05 on May 26, 2010 by Iwillnot
Thanks so much    
"I have read your comments and I want to say "thank you" for your kind words and prayers. It means more than I can express on this post.

I am still working on my steps. I had a few days of rest, but the pain has returned. I am remaining faithful in my adversity; however the pain of this trial is unlike anything I imagined. For this reason, I realize that I must continue to turn this over to my Father in Heaven many times a day. I also realize that no amount of apologies is going to erase this pain. I must make this walk alone with God.

Those around me are wondering what is happening. I am not myself and cannot talk about Because I am not needing advice at this time, and I am working with my husband to overcome, there is nothing to talk about. All I would be doing is talking, just to talk, and I do not feel right about that.

I have been grateful for the LDS pilot program for women of LDS addicts. I do not look forward to going to the meetings, but I believe that it helps to know that I am not completely alone in the world. Others are going for the same reasons, only in different ways, and I feel that it is helpful to share with women who understand where I am right at this moment.

My husband has been very depressed since beginning the program. For that matter so have I. It is so weird that we have been dealing with this for so long, and now when we are in recovery, it becomes more difficult. I believe that for me the added sadness is the fact that my son who is of missionary age, is suffering so much.

I love my son with all of my heart, but I have had to let him go. His addiction to porn has cost him just about everything and he still has not turned to Christ. Because of some of his choices, we can no longer allow him to come into our my home ( not even to drop by for a visit).

I have set my boundaries and he has crossed them. The influence over his younger siblings has reached a point where it is too damaging to be around him. I cannot express the amount of pain both I and my husband are feeling. We love our son, but we can no longer help him.

Enabling is when you are hurting a person by helping them. It is time for him to stand alone. I hope he will reach out to the Lord. If you are a mother reading this post, I pray that you never have to experience this pain.

I do not recognize him and have not for many years. He was exposed at school in his early teens, and began turning to porn for comfort. It has destroyed his like. He has few friends, no close family. He has either burned out or pushed away almost everyone in his life He is so locked in the ravages of sin, and all I can do as his mother is to love him from a distance and pray for him. Satan has laid claim on him and he is still clenched in his chains.

I will never give up, but I must protect what children I still have living at home. We are all praying for him and placing our trust in the Lord.

I know that God is watching over him and I pray for him without ending. I believe that a mother's prayers have a special place in heaven and that is what keeps me going.

You see, being the wife and mother in this situation causes my mind to go in many directions. I am grateful for step 1, and I will be moving onto step 2 soon. I believe that although you let go and give your love ones addictions to the Lord, you still experience pain and sorrow. And, it is not the pain and sorrow that someone will be bringing a casserole to fix. It is a quiet sorrow. From the hymnn, "Lord, I Would Follow Thee,", the verse reads..."In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see" . I feel that I am living there.

I use to be such an inspirational person, but I guess it is my time to grieve and overcome.

Not my favorite place to be, but I am working my way through.
Again, thank you for your prayers, and support…. It really helps

Angel"
posted at 00:43:51 on June 1, 2010 by angelmom
Dear AngelMom    
"What a terrible situation you, your husband, and your children are in, all because of this unrelenting and destructive tool of the devil. I am so grateful that the Lord has provided the atonement to overcome such horrors. I will continue to pray for you.

Your comments reminded me of the recent conference talk by Elder Bradley D. Foster, entitled, "Mother Told Me." In case you don't remember it, here is a link:

http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1207-31,00.html"
posted at 00:55:02 on June 1, 2010 by BeClean


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"One of the great myths in life is when men think they are invincible. Too many think that they are men of steel, strong enough to withstand any temptation."

— James E. Faust

General Conference, April 2002