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Sharing my Thoughts as I Begin to Heal (warning, his is very long)
By angelmom
5/17/2010 9:38:15 PM
I am trying to blog more often as a way to follow my progress as well as my sorrows. I am in recovery for my codependency to my husband’s and other family member's problems with Pn. I am still working on step one, as I do not feel that I have come anywhere near completely embracing it.

I met with my Bishop, on Sunday and I think I may have left him a little shell shocked. Remember I am a 25 + year Veteran of this stuff and he did admit that he is naive when it comes to this. He’s had a hard time grasping that we even have this kind of problems in our ward. Boy is he ever in for a shock. I felt okay talking to him, but do not feel much understanding coming from him. I never have with any Bishop in the past, so nothing new here. I guess it will take time. There are times that I really want to leave this place and enter into the real world. There is so much pain and protection of secrets going on. It is the saddest thing that our Mormon culture is so based in shame that everyone hides (including me).

I told him of my suffering and having no one to talk to and no support over the years. He did not seem to relate to me in any way what so ever. I use to worry that a Bishop would judge me or my family. I think I am getting past that now. I told him that no one knows the atonement like my husband. The perfect person cannot possibly know the atonement the way a sinner does. It is the man (or woman) who sins ( and is sinned against) who needs his Lord and needs his forgiveness. I do not know If I will ever feel any real love from a Bishop. I feel alone. I think that is why it is so hard to be active in Church. I feel that most everyone I live near lives in some kind of protective bubble. I must have missed the boat on that one. I do however, feel the protection and love from my Savior. I may never really have ever has a live human being who really get’s it. I may never have a Church Leader who gets it, but I know that My Savior get’s it, and I am starting to really understand that in a way I never have. It is funny, but right now, I really do not feel much of a need for friendship. I am kind of inward focused as I pass throught this.

The pain I experience by the reality that I will most likely deal with this problem for the rest of my life on earth is very difficult to comprehend. Having said that, I am working on healing my sins and my pain that I allowed to be caused by not always reaching out to the Lord the way I should have. I feel less guilt than before because I know that He (the Lord) knows that I am so new at this. He (the Lord) knows that the pain I caused myself and my family was something I thought I was justified in, or that I used blame because I did not realize that I did not need to take all of that in.

Many Church leaders will have a woman in their office feeling like she is losing her mind, and they will do right by her and send her to a Church approved councilor. Sometimes her husband is so good at hiding his problem that she will blame herself for the problems in their relationship. He (the husband) will sometimes use his own guilt on her. She will think she is going crazy (because she is). Often the husband will never admit his sins. Not to her, or the Bishop. That is why when you are searching for help online, it is hard to find. The people you usually hear about are those who already ended a marriage. The rest, suffer in silence as they try to “fix” their marriage and not want to suffer the embarrassment of ever telling anyone.

I have given many problems at many times to My Father in Heaven, but I do not believe that I ever truly gave this one to him. It kept happening over and over, so I was waiting until it was over, until he was fixed, or until I could magically overcome a problem I had no control over.

I am learning that I now have a choice, a choice even if others make the wrong choice. I choose Christ. That means that even If my husband does not come along for the ride, I can still be safe in the Savior’s arms. Something I never really knew before. I thought I had to be connected to his sin. Meaning that he sins, I am sad again… until he repents, then I am hopeful and happy. Then he falls again, and the cycle continues.

I know that I will never overcome it. I know this, but I also know that the Savior has overcome it for me. I also know that he will take my pain away every time.

I love my husband, I really do. I am grateful that he did not ever let this fester in darkness. I am glad that he always confessed, each time. I think it saved us from further destruction. My sadness is that some things in our family have been destroyed (much that we can never get back.) Again, I cannot dwell on what has happened in the past. I have to deal with what is real right here, right now. Like someone hearing that a family member has an incurable disease and you will live with it forever, I will need to adjust. I keep praying for the strength and it does come little by little.. When I am weakest, the love comes. When I am alone, the love comes. When I am afraid, the love comes. When I am crazy, the loves comes.

I have also learned why I hid myself. Why I cancelled social opportunities. Why I let friendships take a back burner. Why I stopped having fun. There was always pain and sadness lurking somewhere. There was always some kind of division. There was always “The Secret” and I hated it.

I have to believe that I will feel joy again someday. I have faith and hope that it will not be long. I am a joyful person who loves deeply. I am a daughter of God and I deserve to be whole again. I look forward to the day when this is not on my mind all of the time.

I am praying for everyone who is sitting in my shoes. I feel your pain.

I know my savior lives…he loves me… he loves me personally, and individually. He is so aware of me and my situation. I am open to this and I am grateful.

Angel

Comments:

Are you my mom?    
"Seriously, I bet my mom could write an identical post--except she might have a few/several more years under her belt. Thank you for sharing what my mom is probably thinking. Now I want to reach out and give her a call (and ask her if she is you :).

You are NOT alone. I am confident that thousands of LDS women suffer in silence just like you. Do you attend a group? If you were my mom, I would ask you to go. It seems that your husband is still struggling every now and then. Does he attend a group? If he were my dad, I would ask him to go.

You mentioned the pain you caused your family. If you were my mom, I'd tell you I have no idea what you are talking about. You only blessed our family. You are amazing.

Finally, you said something about it being tough to stay active in the Church because everyone else seems to be in a protective bubble, unable to show you and your family genuine love and understanding. If you were my mom, I would encourage you to be the most active, the most loving, and the most understanding person (and couple) in the ward. If you are feeling like others aren't very understanding and loving, perhaps they are feeling the same way about you. But you are so qualified to teach them all about forgiveness and the atonement with your example.

The grandkids say, "Hi." They love you. I love you, Mom. You have continued a legacy of faith and passed it on to subsequent generations. You ARE an amazing daughter of God, and the best, most understanding, most charitable mom a son could ever have.

Love,"
posted at 22:38:00 on May 17, 2010 by BeClean
Are You My Mom?    
"Hi BeClean,

Thank you for your very sweet words.

I am learning there are So many like me out there. Our LDS society is so shame based that we never share our pain when it is based in sin. Often when it is someone else’s sin that hurts us, we put it on ourselves. This is very wrong, but it happens all of the time.

I have never left the Church, but never found support there for me. I do not have any bad feelings towards anyone over this because, how was anyone supposed to help? We do not talk about such things. When I tried, I was turned away. My husband was supported, I was left to be “okay”.

Porn knows no boundaries. It does not matter your age, your size, the color of your skin, or how much money you make. It just lurks in the shadows of the internet waiting for anyone to let their guard down for even a moment.

Porn is everywhere. We are so de-sensitized to it and most LDS Families have allowed it into their homes without even knowing it. I know that because I have guarded my home like a hungry Pit Bull and it still found it's way in.

I thought I had enough love to help my family and I now know that although I have a lot of love, it will never overcome someone else’s agency.

I know it is not my fault. It has nothing to do with how I look or anything else. this issue was in my husband's life long before he met me.

I am taking this opportunity to improve my own life and learning to live better even in the midst of other people making very wrong choices. Man this sucks!!!

Yes, we attend meetings. I feel that my husband is feeling some hope, but to be honest I am coming to the realization that it does not matter if he does or does not embrace this completely. I am moving forward with me for the first time in my adult married life.

I know the Lord loves his children. He loves me and he knows me. I know that more now than I ever have before.

Lastly, your mom is blessed to have you for a son because you are a person who cared enough to reach out to me and share. At this point, I can only hope and pray my son could be where you are now. He is not in a good place, but that too has to not matter anymore.

Thanks again for the kindness.


ANGEL"
posted at 13:56:49 on May 19, 2010 by angelmom
great audio program    
"Tony Litster has a free audio program that is very good. You can download 7 free CD's and 2 bonus ones here:

http://www.abettermormon.com/download.html"
posted at 15:15:53 on May 19, 2010 by lawrence
Tony Litster    
"I forgot to write about what he talks about. It is all about what you are talking about, AngelMom. How the church needs to give more support for these things, how widespread porn is, and all that. He is a good LDS person and in no way derogatory towards the church. He shows the distinction between the doctrine and the culture and how many of us give the culture as high of status as the doctrine, which isn't right."
posted at 15:18:10 on May 19, 2010 by lawrence
"I have guarded my home like a hungry Pit Bull"    
"I spoke with my real mom the other day. She says web browsers like IE have come out with a new feature that can easily get around her filtering software. That means if her husband and children at home use this feature, they can look at porn, and she will never know.

My first thought was, "That's interesting. I didn't know there was such a feature."

My second thought, coming close behind the first, was, "That's stupid. Why would I ever use that feature to view porn? I'd still have to tell my wife."

I gained a testimony in that instant that no filter is as good as this one: "I'd still have to tell my wife." (Or my husband, or my sponsor, or my bishop...pick your favorite.) Because of where I am in my repentance, I had absolutely no desire to experiment with that new browser feature. It seems pointless to me, because I know I can't hide my addiction, even with that feature. I can't hide my addiction because I know I will tell my wife.

So, how do we get our spouses and our children to that point? How do we help them become so honest that when they do wrong, they will come to us and to the Lord EVERY time?

The truth is, I haven't had a filter on my computer for years. And whenever I HAVE had a filter, it wasn't for longer than a couple days or weeks. You see, I like to solve problems, and I'm better at working with computers than my parents, siblings, spouse, or children. If one of them puts a filter on my computer, I see it as a challenge, a test of my problem solving skills. What is the test? To see if I can break the filter or get to porn despite the filter somehow. I have never met a filter that kept me from porn yet. (But I haven't tried anything in the past several years, either.)

So, you see, for me, computer filters have always been TRIGGERS. They encourage me to actually go looking for porn. Then, when I find a way to get it despite the filter, it becomes obvious that the filter isn't going to do its job, and we have to remove the filter.

It's a major flaw for me...a symptom of my pride. But for me (NOT for everyone else out there, necessarily), the best filter is not driven by computer software. The best filter is in my mind. Without a computer filter, I always know porn is accessible, but I CHOOSE not to access it (with God's divine help). As I have gone weeks, months, and years without viewing porn, I know it's because God helped me CHOOSE not to view it, and not because there was a filter blocking me from what my heart, in fact, desired.

So, what's my point? As you have said, AngelMom, there really is nothing we can do to keep porn out of our home completely. It will come. My question is, how do we prepare our children for when they see it? (They WILL see it, despite all we do.) How do we help them run to us when they see it, as if they had just been bit by a snake? How do we make them so honest, that they never try to hide it? Filters don't do that..."
posted at 15:30:23 on May 19, 2010 by BeClean


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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988