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Focusing on Forgiveness…
By summer
5/4/2010 1:16:36 PM
I live my life with a stomach ache and a lump in my throat. I go through the motions of life just trying not to explode. The pain I have is so much more than I can handle. I feel so lost. So much in my life doesn’t even look familiar. I’m not sure what is real and what is not. I don’t recognize myself. My emotions are all over the place (fear, sadness, numbness, pain, confusion, ect…). It feels so weird to not be in control of my feelings. I am a busy Mom, my free time is little if any. It’s hard for me to want to find time to heal from something I never wanted in my life in the first place. MY ATTITUDE NEEDS A MAJOR ADJUSTMENT!! I often feel my husband made this mess he should clean it up. As much as I would love that…it is not possible…the pain in my life can only be made bearable through the Atonement of our Savior.

I have been wanting it all to come at once…Forgiveness and Trust. I miss the comfort of trust in my marriage. Unfortunately I do not have the ability to trust at this point, trust is earned by actions. But I MUST forgive. Forgiveness is a gift I have to give, no matter what decisions my husband has made or makes. My desire for trust and forgiveness together, needs to go. I cannot withhold forgiveness for the sake of waiting for trust.

I don’t know what to expect when forgiveness does come into my heart. I hope it is enough to help my husband feel better. Regardless of how big this gift of forgiveness may or may not be…I will find the strength to give it.

Comments:

Keep going...    
"You have my love and prayers. I'm sorry you are hurting so much. Thanks for all your posts today."
posted at 14:01:27 on May 4, 2010 by BeClean
So Strong    
"I love that you are sticking with him. It takes a strong woman. Thank you for sharing."
posted at 17:51:17 on May 4, 2010 by bobhere2112
Cheer up :)    
"I just got done reading your reply to my blog and I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you. I sometimes feel like I don't have the right to be angry because of my own issues, and it really is hard to see the other side, feeling like a victim and a perpetrator it weird.

It will come! Forgiveness will come. It did for me anyway. I just realize that this man who I married is wonderful. He's a hard worker and wants to keep his family happy. Despite his addiction he is a wonderful father and husband. Trust will come, don't expect it to right away.

You too are in my prayers! Trust in the Lord, He knows what he's doing :)"
posted at 19:50:14 on May 4, 2010 by toes_23
Summer you are courageous    
"Wow I can only imagine (a feable attempt at that) how you must feel. The closest I have come to your situation was when my fathers second wife smacked me in the face with her handbag because I told her daughter she had a few screws lose in her head. I swear I was about to send her packing for a first hand tour of the spirit world. I was filled with so much rage at that moment and it took a buddy of mine to hold me back. This was 3 days after my mission and then I found out how she had treated my dad (my hero at the time). I could not forgive her for so long and yet this is mickey mouse stuff compared to what you and my wife have to do. I feel for you both, I really do, and although I wish I can be forgiven, I understand that the healing for both of us comes in the Lords time, not ours. No advice here because I just am not in any position to give it but just know that the Lord loves you summer and he will help you have it in your heart to forgive just as much as he helps me have it in my heart to rid myself of bondage.
You did wonders for me in the first few weeks of my episode, I pray that the Lord blesses you and grants you that happiness you are seeking.

God Bless sister."
posted at 15:36:30 on May 7, 2010 by ruggaexpat
Thanks for your good heart    
"Your desire to support, trust, and forgive are a great strength.
Though you aren't sure at times what you're feeling or how to go on, know that you are also on the right path. You are helping save a soul. You are helping save an eternal unit. That is a noble path that you are taking.
Keep your head up. Smile. Bear testimony to the Lord, to yourself, and to others throughout the day, bearing testimony of the truth of whatever problems you seem to be having/feeling, and you will find strength and peace - very real, wonderfully pure emotions. I promise that this will be the case."
posted at 16:47:58 on May 9, 2010 by jmoney
You're in my prayers,    
"Sorry to hear that your having a hard time with life. Hopefully, things are already better. Keep going, you're a strong person, and you'll be fine."
posted at 17:05:58 on May 15, 2010 by ETTE
The Church Now Has a 12 Step Program for You    
"I know what how are feeling. I know this because I have been living this for well over 20 years. I am married to a good man. I am learning thay yes, he is a good man that had an addiction.

There is not one thing you wrote that I have not felt in and out of my married life. I suffered in silence until recently. I began attending a new Church pilot program for women. I searched for years and went to countless Bishops (my husband always confessed his sins). They would always tell me that he was a good man and that he will get past this problem . I would walk away thinking that the problem would go away because he is a good man and if I just keep forgiving home everything would be okay. Not so, forgiveness is something that is especially hard for someone who is always watching over her shoulder wondering if (and when) he would hurt me again.

With every addict, there is a co-dependent. I am a co-dependent and as my husband is in recovery using a church 12 step program. I too am in recovery in a 12-step program as well. There is not one woman in the church who could not benefit from this program...especially the wife of a porn addicted husband.

My dear sweet sister, please conact me at myangelmyfriend@gmail.com and I will do all that I can to help you find a program in your area. I am new to this, but it is the first time in my married life that I have found hope. The Church's 12 step programs is we learn to live by the atonement of Jesus Christ. I believe that I am one of those women.

My prayers are with you. Please contact me if you would like to find help. I waited too long, but I am glad I found it.

Angel"
posted at 01:23:31 on May 16, 2010 by Anonymous
Prayers are with you    
"Summer, I have the church's new manual for wives and I will try to get it to you. I've been working on getting it published on the site here for a bit, but have been swamped with other less important things that keep getting in the way."
posted at 22:05:46 on May 18, 2010 by derek


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"I need not define your specific problem to help you overcome it. It doesn’t matter what it is. If it violates the commandments of the Lord, it comes from Satan, and the Lord can overcome all of Satan’s influence through your application of righteous principles. Please understand that the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now. Satan wants you to think that it is impossible. That is not true. The Savior gave His life so that you can completely overcome the challenges you face. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990