By toes_23
4/21/2010 11:43:45 PM
day 432.

I know he's stressed out. I'm stressed too. But why can't he be honest with me?? I know I have the same problem. Why am I so angry?? I don't think I've felt this angry and hurt about him messing up since I first found out just how bad the problem really was.

I found it on his computer. I hate his computer. It's this silver personal laptop that he can take anywhere with him. No passwords, no limits... I hate his PSP I HATE HIS PSP and how it has access to the internet.



My 2 cents...or 20    
"Again, congrats on being clean so long. Now, on to the situation at hand.

Toes, I'm so sorry. I feel for you and your husband, and I pray for you. Since you have had the same problem as your husband, I bet most of your anger comes from his dishonesty, and not necessarily his porn...although that doesn't help.

We all know this addiction thrives on secrecy and dishonesty. Since I have almost always been honest about my problem, I struggle to understand why some addicts don't make honesty a priority (it IS the first step...).

You know, it's funny, I've said a lot lately about being VERY understanding, charitable, loving, and forgiving towards the sins of others. We each have our own sins to worry about, so when our loved ones and children screw up, we should give them the benefit of the doubt, love them, and pray for them...not get angry. If they are trying to repent, and they are depressed and disheartened that they have failed, they don't need us to be angry; they need us to be on their team and help them remember that they can and WILL overcome.

HOWEVER, I want to make it very clear, that I think the attitude I just described is most appropriate when our sinful loved one is making a visible effort to repent, to overcome, and to put God first.

Recently, I described to Lawrence an idyllic way of addressing the mistakes of my children (see ):

The questions I like to ask my children when they do stupid things are: 1) Do you know you did wrong? 2) Do you know why it's wrong? 3) Do you know what the consequences of your actions are? 4) Are you sorry you did it?

If my kids don't know they did wrong, they don't know why it's wrong, or they don't know the consequences, then I have an opportunity to teach them. If they know all of those things, but they are not sorry, then I help them feel sorry...either through heavy disappointment or through some penalty or punishment to help them realize the gravity of their mistake. If they know all of those things AND they feel sorry, then I feel sorry with them; I cry with them, and I help them make it right.

Your husband viewed porn, he may have masturbated, and he dishonestly kept it from you. I'm sure he knows those things are wrong, and he probably knows why they are wrong. Is he sorry and penitent? Is he trying to change? If he is lying to you when you ask him about his latest struggles, it would appear he's not making a visible effort to change.

SOOO...strange as it may sound coming from BeClean, I think this might be a time to teach him the consequences of his dishonesty. I suggest you teach him that you won't stand for the dishonesty. You cannot build a marriage like that. You could do without the porn, but the dishonesty is unacceptable. Dishonesty shows he hasn't made the first step yet; he isn't trying to repent, and that is unacceptable. To continue working with a spouse guilty of ANY sin, that spouse should be TRYING to overcome and trying to apply the atonement. Honesty is the first step. We don't stand for dishonesty in my home, and I suggest that you don't, either."
posted at 09:30:06 on April 22, 2010 by BeClean
Good grief, Beclean    
"You are not long winded at all!"
posted at 09:52:29 on April 22, 2010 by Anonymous
My long-wind doesn't fit in one post. Part 2    
"Having said all of that, it's important to remember that the FIRST time you teach a principle or you set up some consequences, you probably shouldn't do it in an angry mood. Personally, I feel the only reason for spanking a child is when your son hits girls or hits his mother. Others may disagree with me, but I believe hitting anyone, but especially hitting women, is unacceptable, and it deserves the most severe punishment possible from Dad. But the first time your son hits a girl, you don't immediately spank him. You don't even get angry, if you can help it. You explain that it's wrong, "We don't hit," and you explain that next time, you will be disappointed. The next time, you ask him if he knows it's wrong. If he does, you show disappointment, like you said you would, and you tell him you will be upset if he does it again, and he will get time out. The third time, you ask him if he remembers the consequences of his actions. If he does, you get visibly upset and put him in time out. You tell him that next time he hits a girl, he will get a spank. And if he hits again, you follow through. But EVERY TIME your son hits a girl, you start by asking, "Did you hit?" and if he says "yes", you give him a big hug and thank him for being honest. You tell him the hug is for being honest. Then, you talk about the consequences of hitting, and you inflict the punishment, if he previously understood the consequences.

That's my method of dealing with the mistakes of my children, and I think it applies to the mistakes of a spouse...or anyone you love. (Not the spanking part, of course :), but the method of "helping" your child, spouse, or loved one, since all "punishment" should be with an eye towards helping the offender, in my opinion.) You first ask them if they did wrong. If they admit and are completely honest, you hug them and thank them. If they are filled with sorrow and remorse, you commit to being on their team and helping them, and you cry with them. If you had previously promised some consequence, you follow through. If you had not, and if they seem to need a little motivation to understand that their actions are wrong, you calmly discuss what the consequence will be NEXT time.

Anyway, Toes, if your husband is unwilling to be honest, it may be time to set some limits and explain some consequences, for his own good, not to satisfy your revenge or anger. After telling him how much you love him and want to help him, and after explaining that you think you understand his struggles and even his dishonesty, let him know that the dishonesty is unacceptable. If he will come to you honestly when he screws up, you will love him, support him in his whole-hearted repentance, and try not to criticize or be angry with him. But if he will not come to you next time, and if you discover his sin before he tells you, you will be quite upset and hurt (NEXT time). And if he does it again after that, you will have to set harsher consequences.

Always remember to "[Reprove] betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then [show] forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death" (D&C 121:43-44). I think the idea is to punish, reprove, or chasten out of pure love and charity for the offender, not out of vengeance or wrath. I love the Lord's example of discipline when he taught his saints that they had done wrong in not building a temple. (See his righteous disappointment in D&C 95:1-6.)

Finally, I call your attention back to the post you made on November 28 and some of the suggestions you received there ( ):

The next time you catch your husband before he has come to you, go to him and say something like (only if these things are true):

"I love you. Do you know I love you? You know, I found some porn on your computer. If you have been struggling lately, I would love for you to come to me before, during, or after your struggles. I want to be on your team. I want to help. If I can help in any way, please let me know. You are my hero. You are my best friend. I don't want you to have to face those temptations alone."

Some out there may disagree with the following "tactic," and I hope I don't offend anyone.

My wife and I find that if she's willing to "help me" physically (there are a lot of ways she can "help"...get creative...most of them are even fun for her) ALMOST every time I struggle, then I am MUCH more willing to go directly to her when I do and to skip the drug all together. It has worked for us for a long time, and although it isn't a perfect solution, it's better than some alternatives. (Some might think I've made HER my drug. I tend to think that's partly what marriage is about--being there for each other.)

Good luck. With love,"
posted at 09:57:11 on April 22, 2010 by BeClean
"that's probably why I am most hurt actually I knew he was having a hard time and I did "help him"... it was almost as if it didn't really matter that I tried to help...

posted at 11:09:20 on April 22, 2010 by toes_23
"Well, I had several other ideas in my "wall of text." If the last one didn't work, have a go at some of the others."
posted at 16:10:00 on April 22, 2010 by BeClean
"Beclean is right about honesty.

Your husband is not repenting if he is hiding.
Sounds like you are justified in feeling angry.

I agree beclean set limits."
posted at 19:05:33 on April 22, 2010 by Anonymous
"We chatted about it. I am going to change the password on our wi-fi so he can't have access to it on his "personal computers". I expressed my concern to him about his timing (he was supposed to be in charge of the kids at the time) and told him that he needed to start going to group again.

~biggest blow~ he was asked today if he could help give a blessing for someone in my family who is sick and he had to turn them down... I think that really hit it home for him and encouraged him to do better."
posted at 20:18:24 on April 22, 2010 by toes_23
"I’ll say it with you “ARGGGG”!!! How are things? Thank you for blogging here…I get so mad at this situation…and I feel like it’s often because I don’t understand it from my husband’s side (I try to but it’s difficult). But you understand it from both sides, and it still makes you mad. It makes me feel less crazy to hear it’s hard for everyone else too. You’re in my prayers girl!"
posted at 13:02:58 on May 4, 2010 by summer
things are good...    
"... as good as they can be! It's finals week here and the high stress situations aren't helping tempers. But we're working on it.

I told my dad this week about my addiction. It's been years and I finally had the guts to do it... well sort of because I sent him an e-mail about it. He hasn't really reacted yet. Maybe he won't, hopefully love and support, which I'm sure he'll give anyway, which is why I told him.

My husband is doing well. He's finally admitted to himself that he actually has a problem. Before he couldn't do it. He went to group and through the motions, but he still didn't believe he had a problem, but this time around he was able to realize it. I think it's because I let him know how much it hurt me. Some growth in our marriage has happened. Things are better.

Thanks Summer :)"
posted at 19:42:57 on May 4, 2010 by toes_23

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