How do you teach and protect your daughters
By crushed
4/3/2010 1:46:11 PM
In general conference, itwas emphasized the need for parents and mothers to teach their daughters about how to be a virteous woman. I'm feeling very discouraged thinking about the future and how Im going to be able to teach my daughters the value of womanhood when their father has such a distorted and discusting view of women. I feel like whatever I am going to model and teach is going to be destroyed by him because he has no respect and honor for womanhood and only values their sensuality. I asked him the question in between the conferences and he sent me off with anger, because he says he is trying to repent... but I do not really care whether he is repenting or not, I want to prepare myself for the worse and besides If you have nourished yourself with so much filth wouldn't it take at least years before you can think normally of woman again? My daughters need a solid foundation now, while they aDo I see myself as the only parent who can model and teach my young daughters the real value of womanhood. How do you do that? How do you deal with feelings of guilt that this is all you can offer you children .. a father who is gone after women of the world.... and the anger and frustration that brings in. So now he says he is tring to repent.. now I must feel happy and suddenly feel like he is a good influence??? sorry this is not uplifting...just so angry


Be thou an example    
"hat question was answered by Elder Ballard.

The Mother has a great wealth of knowledge.

Study carefully at how he described the relationship between mother and daughters."
posted at 14:11:12 on April 3, 2010 by Anonymous
My Dear Crushed Sister,    
"Since you posted this question on the general LDSAR website, instead of the side for loved ones only, may I venture a suggestion? I do not mean to offend in any way--only to help.

I understand your sincere and earnest desire to teach your daughters to be virtuous women. I have a few daughters of my own, and similar thoughts were running through my head as Elder Ballard spoke. Although my daughters are very young, I still called my daughters to attention and let them know that the apostle was speaking to them. Then, I listened carefully to see how I could apply his words, which were directed towards mothers and daughters, to my own life as a father.

Am I right in assuming that while you were listening to Elder Ballard, at least part of you was thinking, "My husband needs to hear this. My husband is not being a good example to our daughters"? You were thinking of what a bad influence your husband's problem with pornography is on your daughter's life, right?

I cannot disagree with those thoughts. Your husband surely needed to hear that talk, and as long as he is allowing pornography into his life, he is permitting wickedness to influence the lives of his daughters.

Although your thoughts concerning your husband may be correct, and although he may have several things to repent of and much work to do, may I suggest that you listen to conference for yourself, and not for your husband? Please do not listen to the apostles and prophets and then turn their words against your eternal companion. Instead, each of us must focus on what the apostles are saying to US, and then try OUR best to obey, without worrying about others. Please pray sincerely for your husband, support him in his efforts to repent, and let him take the messages from conference that are delivered to him by the Spirit.

I'd also like to add that it DOES take time for disgusting, detrimental pornographic images to be erased from a man's mind...but it doesn't take as long as you might think. If your husband repents, turns himself over to the Lord, and fills his might with light, those images can be erased in a matter of weeks or months. I have experienced that for myself. Hope for it. Pray for it.

May I also suggest that we all look back upon Bishop Keith B McMullin's talk about forgiveness. He told a story about a woman who suffered untold atrocities in a German concentration camp. When one of her captors later asked her for forgiveness, she was able to forgive with the Lord's help, and the Spirit filled her completely.

What a wonderful story and an amazing example! I hope that we can all learn to forgive each other the way that lady forgave. Surely, we hope the Lord will forgive us of our sins. I believe he will not and cannot do so, unless and until we forgive all others.

Again, I hope I have not offended anyone with my efforts to help. Please forgive me if I have.

With great love,"
posted at 15:08:54 on April 3, 2010 by BeClean
"I can understand how hurt and betrayed you feel by your husband's actions. That is something no woman should have to go through.

However, do you understand that you are limiting his ability to repent and make himself a better man (and thus a better influence on your daughters) by your condemning attitude towards him?"
posted at 10:56:57 on April 12, 2010 by iwillnot
Whether your husband repents or not has nothing to do with you. I have to disagree with Iwillnot. Sure, you can make the process easier on him but frankly, if he's truly repenting you wouldn't be capable of stopping him or limiting his ability to repent in any way. You're entitled to your feelings sister. In my experience, when an addict is offended easily by your concerns he's not quite at the true repentance stage. Sounds like he still has a lot of pride. Your worries about your daughters are completely justified."
posted at 14:14:12 on April 14, 2010 by bkwm
Lets no judge    

Your feelings are justified and I hope since conference things have got better for you.
It is a sensitive topic you have opened here and I can only say that it will take time to settle your feelings. Let time take its course. Healing needs time and both of you need time. I think we all have pride and sure some have more than others. His reactions are a common reaction from someone trying to fix his life. Your concerns mayhave been missed completely and this is also common if your husband feels guilty. Just give it time."
posted at 14:56:06 on April 14, 2010 by Anonymous
I have very similar concerns    
"I think there is a lot of merit in all of the responses that you were given. I feel the same way and completely sympathize with your feelings. Even after we forgive our husbands, our concerns do not vanish--especially our concerns for our children and future children. I really have no advice for you at all, but I just wanted you to know that I share your same pain and questions."
posted at 15:53:54 on April 15, 2010 by CLO
thank you everyone...,    
"For all your comments, I am not at all offended. Thou, I must say that the comments from the woman have made me feel better and feel like someone understand.
Be Clean, I am grateful for your comments too, it gives me hope to think that the images can be erased after some time..... Dear Be Clean, You have got to understand that when you have lived your whole life for a celestial marriage in a area where there are very few members and continually sought after by guys outside the church, even good guys. And you choose to keep the commandments and to hold on to the irond rod no matter what temptations you face. And you meet someone and you fall in love because you think he is the most spiritual guy you have ever met and has rock solid integrity. You get married in the temple, have children, he continues on to pretend and even holds lots of leadership callings. You build your life around this man, you follow him wherever he goes, you give up your dreams and aspirations to be a mom to your children. When he comes out of the blue and tells you , it was all lie!!!! You are going to feel a little bit angry and devastated, and maybe a lot. If spiritual security is your number one value in life, you are going to feel like someone just DIED!!! And actually something did, my heart!!!! Even before you forgive, you are going to have to accept it first. Grieving, and going through all the stages of grief is important and one of them is anger, unfortunately...Getting to acceptance is the fist step towards forgiving. So forgiving takes depending on the person and their circumstances, it may take a very long time. You go trough so many stages. I pray and fast for forgiveness all the time. I read and study the atonement and everything I can about this terrible addiction. I understand more but the pain of what I have lost and just knowing that it was not real, I still have to go trough it!! I am not trying to judge my husband, I sincerely am extremely concerned about my daughters, about their future, our family, etc... And I just wanted to find out what can one do, how do other LDS families do it to protect their children, both the addict and the spouse. During general conference, I was trying to focus on anything that could reassure me of my Heavenly FAther's love. Which I have unfortunately doubted at times. I am ashamed to admit it, but I felt so abandonned. Thinking that he had left me and not protected me and my children. I feel better now, my pain and anger are much more manageable and I do feel like Heavenly Father does love me. I'm doing the 12 steps as well and trying to be healed from my pain and working hard on forgiveness. But I tell you that it is not easy..... My anger and pain is not a judgement of my husband, it is just a natural reaction when something terrible has happened to you. I pray and hope everyday that the Lord will lift them up from me or help me carry them better, which he does. I am grateful for this site and all of you who have responded. For me it is good to see the point of view of the addicts as it helps me undestand my husband. It is very good to get the empathy from the sisters in similar circumstances.
Thank you again!!!"
posted at 18:41:39 on April 22, 2010 by crushed
God is Good    
"Thank you for sharing your feelings, Crushed. I truly am sorry your husband did this. There is no excuse, and I pray that you will feel the Lord's love, comfort, and strength. I pray that you will be healed by the atonement, and that you and your husband will make it safely through this particular trial in life.

posted at 23:04:36 on April 22, 2010 by BeClean
Dear Sister Crushed    
"I've been where you are. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel someone has died. I felt that way too when I first found out. It was worse in a way, because if someone had died, there would have been hugs and meals brought in and no one would have expected me to carry on as usual for a while. Much of this suffering is done in silence, and seemingly alone. But you are not alone. You are loved more than you can possibly know.

More than a year later, my husband has been rebaptized and we have both found forgiveness and a measure of joy. It was a difficult road, and it's far from over, but we have hope through the Atonement of our saviour. I know this hope can be yours too, no matter what path your marriage takes.

Hang in there! You are loved!"
posted at 15:15:48 on April 26, 2010 by Anonymous
"My heart aches as I see the consequences in these situations. Crushed, I know exactly how you feel. Please know that you are not alone.

My husband’s decisions make it extremely hard to trust again…especially where children are involved. We have 3 beautiful children. One of the times my husband would utilize to view inappropriate material was when I would make a quick run to the store and leave him home with the kids. I use to save my grocery shopping until my husband would come home from work, then I could get a minute to myself. At that point in my life I believed my husband was the same Dad I saw when I was around him. Unfortunately, my husband and I have had to have conversations about what our children may have been exposed to while I was away. To my knowledge our children’s minds remain clean. My husband had NO intentions of putting our children in an unsafe environment…but Satan convinced him this behavior was only hurting himself. My heart breaks for my husband as he realizes my fears of leaving the kids at home with him are valid. I know he feels terrible…and I too feel terrible about it. I don’t want to hurt him, but I am a Mom…I must keep my children safe. I feel blessed that my husband understands this…it hurts him, but he sees my fears.

I don’t know your husband’s situation…but for me I know my husband inadvertently put evil before his family. That knowledge doesn’t take away the pain or the consequences, but feeling true sorrow for the pain he is going though helps.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a tough situation that no one should have to go through. Stay strong! "
posted at 13:11:12 on May 4, 2010 by summer

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"The solution to this problem ultimately is neither governmental nor institutional. Nor is it a question of legality. It is a matter of individual choice and commitment. Agency must be understood. The importance of the will in making crucial choices must be known. Then steps toward relief can follow."

— Russell M. Nelson