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Starting Over
By Iwillnot
3/2/2010 10:50:40 AM
I was mad at the Lord last night. After a long time of being clean I acted out. The funny thing is that I didn't really even want to. The lust had very little allure for me. Something happened in my life, a big disappointment that I thought the Lord would arrange for me and I acted out almost as a way to get back at Him. Which is really quite idiotic. It's like a child told he can't have a cookie so he punches himself in the face to get back at his dad.

I know I can't excuse my behavior. The sin is mine and I own it. I am starting at square one. Yet I know the Lord will help me and I know this will be overcome. Thank you everyone for all your help.

Comments:

Keep climbing    
"See...I know others will disagree with me, but I am in the camp that believes that you aren't "starting over," but just continuing down the recovery path with a blip. I celebrate your "long time of being clean." Congrats. If it was longer than usual, then I say bravo, hurrah!

Sounds like you know you did wrong...we all know when we do wrong. No use beating yourself up over it. Find out what went right; thank and praise the Lord, and try again.

If it feels better to you to think of yourself as "starting over," go for it. Personally, I can't think that way. "Starting over" for me would be if I went back to the way I acted 15 years ago. I am NEVER going back there. Therefore, I am NEVER starting over, only progressing on the upward trail with a step backwards here and there.

I just pictured myself hiking up a mountain side (or rock climbing, take your pick). Even though I lose my footing or my handhold every now and then and slide back several feet, I NEVER fall all the way to the bottom. I am hundreds of feet higher than I was when I started. God willing, I will reach the top, despite occasional trips, slips, and obstacles."
posted at 11:51:06 on March 2, 2010 by BeClean
Good Medicine    
"IWILLNOT, it sounds to me like you learned something from this experience. Satan uses the same door over and over until we close it, then he looks for another. Recognizing the ways he seeks to influence us provides an opportunity to prevent those temptations in the future. I think this kind of learning is an important part of the recovery process.

I've noticed a similar tendency in myself to act out in anger or frustration or disappointment when something doesn't go the way I would like it too. Pornography has frequently been the "bad medicine" that I've turned to in these situations. Of course, the "cure" ends up being worse than the disease--but that understanding isn't always enough to stop the little boy inside me from acting out. It's like the rest of me has grown up, but emotionally the part of me that has used pornography as a crutch for much of my life hasn't matured at all.

Life has a way of kicking me in the teeth, and it always will. I can't choose what happens to me, but I can choose how to respond. When trials come, I can choose to turn away from God or to turn towards Him. As an example, a friend of mine recently went through a heart-breaking divorce. When his life went into a tailspin he turned to the Lord. He read scriptures voraciously, attended the temple weekly, attending his church meetings diligently and did everything he could to strengthen his testimony. He had been involved with pornography at one point in his life, and he could easily have turned back to his old habits, but he didn't. He turned to God instead. That was a powerful lesson to me about a better way to respond to the real challenges of life. It has motivated me to reach for "good medicine" instead of the unholy emptiness of pornography."
posted at 12:25:39 on March 4, 2010 by finallyfree
Also...    
"Males have a certain type of cycle that prepares them for sexual activity every two weeks. The cycle usually commences from the last sexual encounter and then two weeks later it will hit you again. I have no doubt this is how your body is working too. Satan might not have to tempt you. You just have to take control and of will me easier with the lord. Although it may just be bialogical Satan can still use that to help tempt you spiritually."
posted at 23:17:03 on March 4, 2010 by Anonymous
Dear Anon,    
"That cycle certainly sounds like what I've dealt with all my life. Do you have a reference for that so we can read up on it?"
posted at 08:59:41 on March 5, 2010 by BeClean


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"Just as the landfill requires dedicated work and attention, laboriously applying layer after layer of fill to reclaim the low-lying ground, our lives also require the same vigilance, continually applying layer after layer of the healing gift of repentance.…Our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, feel sorrow when we choose to remain in sin, when the gift of repentance made possible through the Atonement can clean, reclaim, and sanctify our lives. When we gratefully accept and use this precious gift, we can enjoy the beauty and usefulness of our lives... "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006