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Reaching Out
By finallyfree
3/2/2010 12:04:10 AM
Today is day 230 of sobriety, and it was one of the hardest days I have had yet. Temptation was everywhere around me, even inside my own mind. It's been several weeks since my spouse and I have been intimate, and I think that's one of the contributing factors.

I should be stronger than this by now. I should, but I'm not. I'm trying to do everything right--really. We've been reading scriptures again as a family, having family home evening, it's been wonderful. Why can't I just be happy with what I have and control my appetites and passions?

I don't want to give in. The last time I did it resulted in a year of depression, financial challenges, desperate stupidity and all-around bad decisions. I wanted so much to be successful at something (since I felt like a failure in what really mattered) that I kept looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places. I've never been so lost. I don't want to go there again.

These past several months of sobriety and healing have been wonderful. I've felt like myself again, felt joy in the small things. Giving up the extreme highs of addiction wasn't so bad when I consider that I've also avoided the painful lows that necessarily follow (and eventually take over completely). Maybe that's part of my addiction cycle--I long for the highs, but forget about the inevitable lows (even though, intellectually, I know they will unquestionably come). Sometimes I try to kid myself that I can flirt with temptation, just indulge a little and somehow stay clean. But it's a lie, and I know it.

I'm going to get off the computer--where temptation could strike--and go read and pray. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Goodnight.

Comments:

We're on the same team    
"I was right there in the middle of it with you, my friend. I made it to a new day. How did you do?"
posted at 08:23:35 on March 2, 2010 by BeClean
Made it    
"Survived, happily. 231 days and counting! It's amazing how with the morning often comes the light of reason, and the temptations of yesterday evening are a distant memory."
posted at 10:28:53 on March 2, 2010 by finallyfree


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