A Fresh Start
2/21/2010 3:41:05 PM
I messed up again, and it was much worse this time because it involved my girlfriend. I feel pretty disappointed since I messed up on my 104th day of sobriety. Although I haven't looked at pornography, I used my girlfriend as a substitute for it. Basically what happened was that my girlfriend and I got carried away with kissing and petting to the point that I ended up masturbating. I have already gone to my bishop about it, and I know I need to start over and find forgiveness through the atonement.

I need to find a way to make restitution to my girlfriend for treating her like an object. I already got her a white rose and told her I wanted the rose to symbolize a clean new start to our relationship. Obviously, I still need to do a lot more to make things right, but I'm kind of at a loss about what I can actually do to show my remorse for what's been done and my resolve to treat her right in the future (any suggestions would be very welcomed).

My sponsor was very strict with me, and he pointed out that I've gotten lazy about calling him and going to meetings so it's only natural that I would mess up again.

I feel like I have a responsibility to stay clean from the evils of sexual addiction so I can be a worthy priesthood holder and a worthy husband and father in time. I also fully understand that I can't do this on my own


Dear Ette,    
"How does 104 days compare with other stretches of sobriety in your life? If it's a good stretch, I say, "Hurrah!" and I also commend you for not looking at any pornography. That must feel good to have stayed away from that filth for so long. Well done.

I bet there are several of us who have been where you are--stepping over the line with a girlfriend or boyfriend after being clean for a few months. That's why it's so important for steady couples to set limits for themselves and why it's so important for us to not let our guard down. Those impulses that draw you to your girlfriend are, of course, God-given, but they need to be kept under control, especially before marriage.

Anyway, I personally feel like congratulating you. I see a few things that went well for you over the past few months, and I think you are on the right track to making amends for the few minutes that went wrong. You know you did wrong, and you are afraid of what it means. You may be thinking of yourself as a bad person. Considering your past and what you struggle with, I see a man trying very hard to do what is right, and that is commendable. I think you are a good man who made another mistake, as we all do.

Listen to your Bishop, your sponsor, and the Spirit, as you have already begun to do. Make sure your girlfriend knows you are disappointed in YOURSELF, and that you want to save these things for marriage. You asked for suggestions. I suggest you make a pact or covenant to help each other while you are together. You promise not to use her again, if she will promise to help you stay strong in those moments of passion. Keep each other clean.

One more thing. You've served a mission, right? If you and your girlfriend at a point in your life where you could be thinking about marriage, are you talking about it? You seem to have a wonderful relationship of trust, and you want to help each other put God first. Those two things are essential to a good marriage. What's the chance you'll be proposing to this gal in a few weeks and marrying her this summer?

I'm not trying to rush that decision...but if you aren't seriously considering marrying this girl already, perhaps your relationship with her is getting too close for a couple of people just dating for fun. Dating is about discovering whether or not you are compatible for marriage. Everything you've told us seems to indicate that you might be, so...fasting, praying, and proposing might be some of the next steps."
posted at 18:21:34 on February 21, 2010 by BeClean
i agree    
posted at 21:05:31 on February 21, 2010 by MAYBEME
My Story    

When I was younger, I became involved in an inappropriate relationship. I remember the first time I slipped up, how upset I was and how much I wanted to repent and be clean again. Despite my best efforts, however, I was unable (or unwilling) to free myself from what quickly became a pattern. In the end, the relationship ended and I lost someone I loved very much. Even now, nearly 14 years later, I still have many regrets about the way I treated her.

When my wife and I were first engaged, we began to go down the same road. But this time I knew what was coming, and we decided to move our wedding date up by 2 months (as soon as we could get the temple scheduled). You may be in a different situation in your relationship, but my wife and I knew we were going to be together anyway and we wanted to be worthy to go to the temple. I would say, if you love this girl -- propose to her and make your engagement short. In the mean time, set some ground rules -- try not to be alone with her, especially late at night. Change your behaviors and don't let a one-time event turn into a pattern.

If you love her, treat her right. Don't do anything you'll regret for the rest of your life."
posted at 09:31:35 on February 22, 2010 by finallyfree
It happens a LOT    
"I was engaged to a girl I had known all my life and I really cared about her. One day I too realized we were going down a path that would not lead to chase endings(we never went past heavy kissing) So I decided that we needed to stop, but I wanted some advice. I went to this woman in our ward who was like my second mom and told her my situation. Interestingly enough she told me how she and her husband were in the same boat when they were engaged. She told me her son was like that too and they bumped up the wedding, several people in the ward had done that. Even one couple did go a little too far and decided they needed to have the bishop marry them first(they were both previously married and so they knew their passions very well.
I don't know where you are at in your relationship but if you are going to marry this girl take the time to think through some small details(for when you are engaged) like a curfew, public dates, and always having some older adults hang out around you to watch over you. This may sound silly but it helped my parents stay worthy. My wife and I didn't do this and almost got in trouble but thankfully we just didn't and we were able to get married in the temple."
posted at 13:14:50 on February 22, 2010 by gettinthere

Add a Comment:

***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"If it were possible to make your road very easy, you wouldn’t grow in strength. If you were always forgiven for every mistake without effort on your part, you would never receive the blessings of repentance. If everything were done for you, you wouldn’t learn how to work, or gain self-confidence, or acquire the power to change. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990