Dane Adams Apologizes
By daneadams
2/8/2010 11:30:14 AM
Thank you for all of your comments to my post. I believe that I may have been misunderstood. I made my post to D and all spouses of addicts in an attempt to give a little perspective. Let me reiterate that I have been on both sides of pornography addiction in my marriage. I do not pretend to have the answers for you and your marriage, I only know what has worked in ours. When your husbands began using pornography, they made a grave mistake and a gross sin against themselves, the Lord, and you. Many times this action from your husband kicks off a downward cycle of tit for tat, hate for hate with you and your husband. The cycle has to be stopped in order for your marriage to succeed. If you are the person who is not the addict, you stand on moral high ground, and should be trying to pull your spouse up to you.
I understand you are hurt, your trust betrayed, and the covenants you made in the temple have been betrayed. There are 3 people in your marriage you, your husband, and the Lord. If the cycle is to stop you and your husband must treat each other as the Lord treats you both, with kindness, love, respect, and forgiveness and patience.
I hope that I have not offended you again. I am not well educated and do not pretend to be smart. I do know repentance (very well) and the 12 steps (very well) and know how if applied that can change your life for good.
My attempt in what I write is to try and be plain. I am a sponsor in AA and NA, and the people that I work with need plainness. You are reading too much into what I am saying or inferring (I hope I spelled that word right). There is no one on this sight who has needed or need the Savior more than me. I only wish to bring some perspective and insight and realize that I have not done that for some people. I APOLOGIZE. Please forgive me and realize that I mean no offense or judgement, I simply love you for who you are, and as Joseph Smith said wish to "....put you upon my shoulders, and cast you sins behind our backs...if God would have mercy on you, have mercy on one another" (LDSAR manual pg. 49 bottom right).
Again please forgive me, and if you wish a personal more specific apology please let me know
love Dane Adams


Way to go    
"Thank you for your example you are setting. I just heard a story like this the other day where a mom and a daughter got into an argument because the daughter did something wrong. The little girl was 99% in the wrong, and the end of the argument ended with the mother slapping the daughter. The mother went to her husband and asked "what are we gonna do about this girl" after explaining all that happened. The husband suggested she apologize. The mother was shocked and didn't know why she should. Her husband just said "because you had at least a small part in it too." The mother apologized and that changed the families life forever and especially the daughter's.
Alma once told his son who was messing up to go and make things right. I think you have done your best DANEADAMS. Thank you, and I look forward to being edified by more of your posts."
posted at 14:52:58 on February 8, 2010 by gettinthere
You're a good guy, Dane...    
"I have a lot of respect for you because you formally apologized. I have also written a few apologies on this site, and I found that nobody held that against me.

I understand that it can be difficult to express meanings in written words, so I don't hold anything you wrote against you. The people who did take offense to it need to relax a little.

Thanks for your humble attitude and great insights, Dane. I'm behind you one hundred percent."
posted at 16:49:32 on February 8, 2010 by ETTE
I'm behind you too    
posted at 16:55:09 on February 8, 2010 by gettinthere
""I think we are all really bad about taking advice. That's why I try to avoid giving it. The best we can offer eachother is understanding and experience. Nobody likes being told what to do. There really is an art to helping addicts and their families and we're all just learning it. We all have some great insights. I think they're better recieved when we personalize the message to our own experience. I hear the message, "This happened to me and I learned to do this" much better than "You should do this!"
People with 12 Step experience really should know this better than anyone else."
posted at 17:13:15 on February 8, 2010 by Anonymous
Thanks everyone    
"Wow, I feel like my comment unintentionally led to some people getting upset. I want to thank you Dane Adams and let you know that I was not offended by your comment. If anything I now feel more loved because of all the people sticking up for me. After reading all of the comments I thought it might be helpful for some if I explained a little bit more.

The reason I feel trapped in my marriage is because I didn't get to choose this. I did not know all of the facts about my husband (his addiction) so I feel a little bit tricked. I love my husband very much and I do not want to leave him. The person who said that I am bitter is very much mistaken. If I wanted to it would be very hard to leave my husband because I do not want my children to grow up without a dad, I also do not want them to be spending weekends at his house. I know how hard that kind of a thing can be on children. I also feel trapped because I know that I would not be happy if I left my husband. That is why I am working hard to stay. Because I am not willing to leave the only other option is to help my husband and deal with the problem. I do not know if this is something he will ever be able to get over and even if he does things have already been done that cannot be changed. For example, I wanted to be the only person my husband has ever seen/been with sexually and vice versa. That can no longer be and that is one of the reasons why I am so sad. I wish that I would have known that I would not be the only person before I made the decision to get married (even though I am not sure if I would have done anything different). That is one reason why I do think that it is important to know your significant others past before getting married.

I also want to say for all of the women, that I know that this is not our fault. Of course we are sad and hurt and upset and it takes time to heal. It is ok to be upset at your husband, and yeah that might damage your relationship. But the thing that really damaged it is the reason why you are upset. I feel like a lot of men are having a hard time accepting that fact. I also know that if we are not able to move on and forgive (in time) than we are just making ourselves miserable. It is important that we have a time to grieve but also a time to be happy."
posted at 17:49:31 on February 8, 2010 by D
To D -- again    
"Thank you, D, for returning and posting your thoughts. I respect you immensely for the challenge you are dealing with and especially for the attitude you have chosen. I feel impressed that you are looking at your situation through the right eyes.

Do not fear. If you and your husband BOTH put God first and each other second, ahead of self and ahead of everything else, he WILL be able to get over this, even if he feels right now that he never will.

That's what the atonement is for -- saving him and healing you...and vice versa.

We love you."
posted at 18:00:33 on February 8, 2010 by BeClean
"I appreciate all the comments on this site. When I first read the post by Dane, I admit I was pretty irritated to say the least. I started to write a comment but quickly deleted it and moved on. One of the things I'm working on in my marriage is not saying anything when I'm angry but to wait until I have a calmer heart and mind to say something. I'm trying to do it in all areas of my life and it's been very helpful. So I waited to reply to this thread. I think why your post was a little offensive, Dane, was due to the fact that as wives (and yes I am a wife that has been betrayed by my husband) we're already dealing with this immense amount of pain, shock, horror, dismay and every other devestating emotion possible and then someone gets on this site and basically writes how as wives WE'RE partially responsible for the disintegration of the marraige. And how we need to be more loving, understanding,Christlike, ect. So now we feel like failures on top of feeling all the other turmoil we go through on a daily basis. Also, you have to admit that your situation is highly unusual, Dane. You're wife is a former porn addict as well..if I'm understanding you correctly. So OF COURSE it's easier for her to forgive and move on and support you. Try to understand where the majority of the women on this site are coming from. Most of us married men who we thought were righteous Priesthood holders. I can only speak for myself of course but I got married in the temple thinking that I was marrying someone who would respect me, be honest with me, love me and only me, honor me and our covenants, be faithful..ect. I knew he wouldn't be perfect but I could never have predicted the chaos that he would bring into our lives. You can't begin to imagine the pain of living YEARS with someone and being completely fooled and lied to thousands of times. Having you're entire reality turned upside down and pain so deep and all consuming that you think you might be actually losing your mind. As secrets and more secrets begin to come out the pain turns to rage at being so completely betrayed. The rage turns to hatred so fierce you feel like there's is no end to the torment except to just lay down and die. These kinds of intense feelings take time to heal. Years and maybe a lifetime. So when someone comes on (who has never felt that pain) and dismisses it and makes comments implying that it's OUR fault if the marraige breaks touches a nerve. Sorry, but it's just not going to fly with a lot of women on this site. Ultimately, we're doing the best we can. We're not always perfect but considering the hand we were dealt, we're trying our best. I'm glad I didn't post when I first read the post by Dane because it wouldn't have been I totally cut Anonymous 1 some slack. We're dealing with some fierce emotions here and it's hard. Really, really hard.

posted at 15:37:10 on February 9, 2010 by Anonymous
no blame    
"I have been reading these posts and have been very observant and I just wanted to let you know anonymous that Dane never put the blame on the wives as to why their husbands went astray, but he did say that you could push them further.

It is like if a child fails a math test. Would it be good to tell the child how they are worthless and stupid? What if they fail over and over, is it ok to call them worthless and stupid then? I hope everyone answers no. You can destroy a child's opportunity to learn and grow. Dealing with spouses can go the same way if we continue to be unforgiving and hateful, or telling them how stupid and worthless they are. Our spouses make their own decisions, but just because someone decides they want to go jump off a ledge doesn't mean you should just push them off. :-) I think that is what Dane was sharing too.

The healing power that will heal you is the same one that will heal your spouse. The pain might be different but the healing is from the same source and both parties start their healing through repentance. Repentance of thoughts and actions from the addicted spouse, and repentance from thoughts and sometimes actions of the spouse that was betrayed. But if you were a spouse that never thought rude thoughts, you still need healing probably, and like I stated, it comes from the same source as the healing that will help your addicted spouse.

Hope I was clear."
posted at 19:06:02 on February 9, 2010 by Anonymous
"I understand your point but the analogy between child and husband just isn't the same. Of course we would never tell our child he's stupid for failing a math test. That would be cruel and abusive. On the other hand our child didn't kneel across an alter of God and promise in front of God, angels and witnesses to never fail a math test. I appreciate the analogy but it's just not the same. I do like your point about the same healing power being used to heal both spouses. That I can agree with. Forgiveness has to be one of the hardest commandments that we're asked to live. At times it's felt impossible but I think once you can do it, and do it correctly, the potential for growth is astounding. I think that's why we're asked to do it."
posted at 20:27:37 on February 9, 2010 by Anonymous
"When a child takes a class, they do let down their teacher if they fail a test, especially if the teacher has taught the child and knows they can do it. I mean, when is it ever ok to tell anyone they are worthless or stupid? Though these words aren't necessarily what we would say to our spouse, unkind words should not be expressed along with actions. Treating a child is different from how you treat an adult who is supposed to be responsible. I am just glad that God has given us repentance and love for when we mess up and not just a slap in the face and mean words. When we deliberately mess up and continue to wrong without care, that is when things change. My analogy wasn't to compare addicted spouses to children, but our reactions. And no a child didn't kneel over an alter and promise to never fail on a math test, but how many of us have made promises to the lord that we have later in some way or the other did not keep. Have you gone to church every sunday of your life or never ever said an unkind thing to another person, have you never gotten mad over something silly, have you always paid your tithing, have you always fasted, have you read your scriptures everyday and had prayer? We might be able to answer yes to many of these questions, maybe all. But the scriptures do say we all fall short. I do recognize that some faults can have a more serious effect, but too many of the little faults can result in a great big problem too. If the lord says "I the lord will forgive who I will forgive but of you it is required to forgive all men" then I think if we have not-so-nice things to say about our struggling spouses, we need to repent, forgive, and forgive our selves and be healed. We are all God's children and in someway or another are not perfect, so as best we can, I think we do need to give our spouses the same love we would anyone else who is struggling. If they don't want it, then that is something they have chosen, but the God has asked us to love one another. It may not be easy but I believe we can do it."
posted at 20:52:13 on February 9, 2010 by Anonymous
An objective third party    
"Having read all the posts related with this issue, it seems the whole misunderstanding started when someone misapplied what Dane said in his original post. Dane wasn't attributing blame for pornography addiction to the wives, he was simply saying that understanding and patience on their part will work wonders for a husband trying to overcome this.

One person, who never gave us a name or any way to distinguish her from six other "anonymous"s, misinterpreted this and took exception to Dane's well meaning suggestion. Her feelings are legitimate, as falling into this trap is the husband's fault, yet she unfortunately misdirected the anger and frustration from her own experiences toward Dane and a couple other well meaning posters. Then, rather than working this put, she decided to "never come back to this board", consequently adding to her anger and frustration and leaving the issue unresolved.

Several ensuing posts were made, most trying to be helpful but a couple only aggravating the issue even further, and now we find ourselves here with a relatively simple issue blown needlessly out of proportion.

Really the whole thing boils down to two issues: choosing to take offense and choosing to indulge in contention. Both are decisions and neither is in line with the spirit of this site.

D's feelings are quite legitimate-I would feel the same way in your situation and I thank you (and every other wife who finds herself dealing with this horrible issue) sincerely for your enduring goodness. Dane meant well and is simply saying that a marriage is a partnership where the actions of one have a significant effect on the other (for good or I'll).

For the sake of everyone else on this site, but most of all for ourselves, I would suggest that before we post anything in the spirit of contention we pause, say a quick prayer, and make a sincere effort to think the best of one another before proceeding. That is what Christ does with all of us."
posted at 11:58:37 on February 10, 2010 by Iwillnot

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"My brethren who are caught in this addiction or troubled by this temptation, there is a way. Don’t accommodate any degree of temptation. Prevent sin and avoid having to deal with its inevitable destruction. So, turn it off! Look away! Avoid it at all costs. Direct your thoughts in wholesome paths. Please heed these warnings. Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of ography that threatens our spirituality, our marriages, and our children. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference, April 2005