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To The Spouses of Addicts (Especially Pornography)
By daneadams
2/6/2010 12:23:34 PM
I come from the place, of having been addicted to almost everything that one can be addicted to. Alcohol, to hard core drugs, to pornography, to sex, even to energy drinks and caffine. I do not even pretend to be perfect. One thing that I have seen through the years, is the destructive nature of pornography. My wife and I at different times have both been addicted to pornography. I have seen the psychological affect of it from both sides; of being the addict and the spouse of an addict.
I understand that there is a feeling of betrayal being the spouse of an addict. Many times that will lead the spouse to withdrawl their love, because they feel hurt by the actions of their spouse, this withdrawal causes the addict to feel rejected and get deeper into their addiction.
This cycle continues downward until the marriage is dissolved. Spouses feel justified in their withdraw of love because of the action of the addict. This gospel of Jesus Christ is a GOSPEL OF MERCY. We are all beggars at the feet of Christ. Understand that if you are going to be married, then BE MARRIED. Work with your spouse in their problems, not against them. It is ok to feel hurt and betrayed by your spouses actions, but do not turn that hurt into anger and pull away from your marriage. Be honest with your spouse. Tell them how it hurts you. Own up to your reaction of withdrawing your love from the marriage.

My wife and I created a few rules for our marriage to help us get through each others problems
1. Cut each other slack - We love each other for who we are and don't hate each other for who we are not.
2. Serve each other - We look to serve each other and see how much we can give and not how much we can take out of our marriage.
3. Be the change you want to see in the marriage - If you want something to be different in your marriage then change yourself. Too many times we think "if only they would change" Fault finding is something the church warns us about, it is more important to not be fault finders in our own marriage than it is in the church setting.
4. Love each other UNCONDITIONALLY - Need I say more.

I hope that I have given a little bit of perspective. It takes 2 to make a marriage and 2 to destroy it. Although it starts with 1 persons actions, both parties in the end contribute to the demise of a marriage. You can be honest with your spouse and deal with their problem from a place of love. That is the best way to get through it.
God Bless you sisters, as a priesthood holder I apologize for the pain that your husband have put you through. I pray that you and the Lord can bring you husband back into the covenant which you three made in the temple
Love
Dane Adams
Denver Colorado

Comments:

To EVERYONE    
"Dane, this was quite insightful, and I think you meant no offense to anyone, so none should be taken.

You probably could have titled your post, "To all the spouses of sinners."

Everything you said was relevant to anyone who has a spouse that makes mistakes."
posted at 17:59:40 on February 6, 2010 by BeClean
Dane    
"If you are referring to her post, you need to get off your soap box and read what she said. She told them to be honest before getting married about the problem they had and reveal it to the potential spouse so they could be FULLY INFORMED as to what they are entering into. I am not D, but I truly do not appreciate your sanctimonious attitude and lecture to her/us. Yes it takes two to make a marriage, but a marriage is supposed to be based on trust, and when there has been a bit lie of omission, it is a bit harder to trust. Plus you do not know anything about her marriage specifically or anyone else's. My husband is the addict in our marriage and if you want to talk about withdrawal and unloving behavior then it would have to be him in our marriage. Quit generalizing things. You don't know anything about anyone else's marriage or feelings or life. So if this is a GOSPEL OF MERCY, then extend some yourself and do not make judgments."
posted at 15:05:24 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
I have had the same feelings as D    
"When I read what D wrote my thought was..."I've been there sister!” D wrote..."I wish that my husband told me. He didn't, and now i feel like I am trapped in a marriage to a sex addict." The word that stuck out to me was "feel"...I can't speak for her but when I read that, I didn't picture her handcuffed and literally unable to leave...She said she "feels" trapped. I don't know her personal story...she might have that posted a little more on the "loved ones" side of this website, I don't have access to that side...I stink at computers, and can't get my account to let me view or post on the loved ones side. But here is a little incite as to why I personally have felt trapped...

Long story short...I found inappropriate things on our home computer. I asked my husband and he lied to me about it...Every time I would try to ask him he would get upset with me and I would leave feeling as though it was me with the problem. Two years went by and no truth was spoken...opportunities we there, more lies we told to me. If I were to have left my husband at that time, the divorce would have been messy; the kids would be stuck in a horrible situation between two parents that were so confused. Does that mean I couldn't leave? No...but I put my kids well being above my own. I felt trapped. Since the truth has come out and we talked about the problem that is in our lives, I have discussed this feeling of being "trapped", my husband has been really understanding about my feelings, and I think he understands as best he can.

Trying hard to understand the road my husband has been on, I see that he didn't have to betray our covenants...But he "felt" compelled to do that. Was someone pulling his arm and making him make the decisions he made? No...but the feelings he had are ones that I can't fully comprehend. Nor can he fully comprehend my feelings. All we can do is try to understand each other, and be as understanding as possible as we help each other heal.

I appreciate the rules that Dane has shared about how they help him and his wife with their problems. Beautiful things he shared there for us...thank you Dane! I am really encouraged by the progress made in your life and your relationship…I love hearing about success! The advice and encouragement is appreciated! Keep it coming!

I love this site. Thank you for sharing."
posted at 18:58:10 on February 7, 2010 by summer
Anonymous this is to you    
"Anonymous, I feel for you and your pain. Your comment was filled with much anger and sadness. None of us know what you are personally going through. But we can still try to help and relate. Actually, Anonymous, a counselor would not even know what you personally face but would you reject their counsel? They could only fully know you if they lived with you. Your bishop might not live with you and know you personally but would you reject his help? How about the Prophet and the words of counsel he gives us each conference?
I agree with some of your points. I do think marriage should be based on trust too. You talk of your husband as the one who has withdrawn and is unloving, yet in your words to Dane's personal opinion and counsel that was taken from his own life, I didn't spot any love.
If you can read your post honestly and openly you would recognize that you need some help, and that is OK. That is why this site is set up, to help. But just as Dane gave advice, you did too, but Dane's will touch peoples hearts and help them because it was done with love. You will receive so many blessings anonymous because of your faithfulness, and especially for keeping your marital covenants. You tell Dane not to Judge, yet you judged him with harsh judgements. Do you know what Dane was thinking? What is your success story Anonymous? As you have shown your husband the love that you need and the mercy and honesty and trust, how has your marriage greatly improved? Please share with us for we would like to be inspired. But if nothing else, let someone help you through your pain. Love is usually needed by those who least deserve it.

Anonymous #2"
posted at 19:54:29 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Anonymous this is to you    
"Anonymous, I feel for you and your pain. Your comment was filled with much anger and sadness. None of us know what you are personally going through. But we can still try to help and relate. Actually, Anonymous, a counselor would not even know what you personally face but would you reject their counsel? They could only fully know you if they lived with you. Your bishop might not live with you and know you personally but would you reject his help? How about the Prophet and the words of counsel he gives us each conference?
I agree with some of your points. I do think marriage should be based on trust too. You talk of your husband as the one who has withdrawn and is unloving, yet in your words to Dane's personal opinion and counsel that was taken from his own life, I didn't spot any love.
If you can read your post honestly and openly you would recognize that you need some help, and that is OK. That is why this site is set up, to help. But just as Dane gave advice, you did too, but Dane's will touch peoples hearts and help them because it was done with love. You will receive so many blessings anonymous because of your faithfulness, and especially for keeping your marital covenants. You tell Dane not to Judge, yet you judged him with harsh judgements. Do you know what Dane was thinking? What is your success story Anonymous? As you have shown your husband the love that you need and the mercy and honesty and trust, how has your marriage greatly improved? Please share with us for we would like to be inspired. But if nothing else, let someone help you through your pain. Love is usually needed by those who least deserve it.

Anonymous #2"
posted at 20:16:00 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Anonymous 2    
"Actually I would not have been offended or upset if Dane had not personalized this to one specific person and then proceeded to lecture her to own up to her "withdrawal" etc. She counseled someone to tell a significant other and she wished her husband had told herand she felt trapped in her marriage. From this came all of his "advise" and "admonishment". From that how can he surmise she has "withdrawn" or anything like that? I probably did not react well to his statement, but if I were her I would not be coming back to this board for support. When she posted the first time, she was basically told she wasn't "trapped" by several people and then Dane comes on to advise her and counsel us. Every marriage is different and general advice especially with "lecturing" should maybe not be given to someone specifically when you don't know anymore than what she said. Quite frankly anonymous my marriage is really good now. I have shown my husband much love and compassion. My point was he was capitalizing certain phrasing to emphasize things that and he made some generalized statements that maybe hit a nerve in me. I have bent over backwards in more ways than you could ever know. You say people can only know you if they live with you and that is something I agree with, that is why I was offended by his "generalization" Maybe you shouldn't be judging me either. I only asked him to extend the mercy to D that he was writing about. You may have felt love from his post, but I did not."
posted at 20:27:03 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Be Careful    
"I felt I should post something on here because it seems that it is getting rather heated. I only hope that I can phrase this in a way that does not cause more conflict. I have been on this site for a little over a year and have found it to, in general, be a place where people could express their feelings without being judged. There is danger in telling someone that the way they feel/think is wrong. We all have a right to feel the way we feel. Are there times when our reactions are not the most positive or helpful? Absolutely. Whether you are an addict or a loved one of an addict, we all have times that we don't react in the most positive way. Also, our personal perspectives and life experiences will cause us to see things in different ways. I feel that this should be a "safe place" for people to talk about their own experiences, and all postings should be done in a way that maintains respect for those feelings and experiences. Those that want advice on their situations will ask for it. I fear that a failure to keep this space positive and open minded will cause those who really need a venue to express themselves to leave the site and/or give up hope about their situation."
posted at 21:47:14 on February 7, 2010 by ican
We All feel differently    
"All of of us are different and I respect that. And since we are all different we might not see eye to eye either.
I am very happy for you and your marriage. I read D's statement and yours and just from how you talked about your husbands sounded really bitter to me. I mean that is why you come to this site, to work through the bitterness and pain, but everyone who told D she is not trapped, they were not telling her to scold, lecture, or tell her what to do but to let her know she doesn't have to "feel" trapped. You bent over backwards in your marriage because you wanted to. The prophets have lived righteously because they wanted to. Christ died on the Cross because he took upon him that duty. No one is forced. None of the people I just mentioned were forced. You weren't forced to be loving and kind to your husband, yet you did it for whatever reasons. That is what people were helping D to see. If you still feel bitterness towards your husband, then it is time to forgive, especially now that you say things are good. I mean but how must your husband feel when you are telling us that your marriage is good, yet in your first post as you call him the addict you say he is unloving and the one withdrawn. You are pointing the finger at him yet, you do not want to be judged. The scriptures tell us to judge righteously. I don't know what your husband is going through with overcoming withdrawal and showing love, but if you are pointing the finger at him in real life like you have in this post, it must be a real struggle for him to feel better and rise above. My judgements have been based on your words, not just opinion of what you have written but taking your words as literal and as your truth. I don't know how hard your husband has worked, I hope for his sake he is working hard and at least has the desire.
Though every marriage is different general advice can be given, that is what happens in the church. The lord gives commandments and counsel, then you take that, and it is up to you to figure out how to work out your salvation with the lord. That is was Dane did, and that is why Dane shared it because it worked for Dane. I f it doesn't work for you, if you have taken Dane's advise and prayed about it and the lord said it is false and not for you, then follow the lord. But when has the lord asked you to not love some one?
When has the lord asked you not to serve others?
When have you been asked by God that you shouldn't set your selfish desires aside? When has the lord told you not to be merciful? When has God said hold grudges? When did he say do not belong suffering and easy to entreat?
President Brigham Young once said that he who is offended when the offense is meant to be given is a fool, and he who is offended when the offense is not meant to be given is an even greater fool.
If you did not feel at least some love from Dane's post perhaps there is something that you still need healing from that if let go of you can have unconditional peace and happiness. But I know that bitterness and contention expressed from your post is not from the spirit that brings you happiness. 3 Nephi 11:29

Anonymous # 2"
posted at 22:14:02 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
A note to Summer that has nothing to do with D or DANEADAMS -    
"Wow! I just want you to know that I noticed a lot of interesting developments in the tone of your last post. It sounds to me like you have made immense progress since you first started posting about six months ago.

The coolest development I noticed is how you said that now your husband understands where you're coming from, and you are beginning to understand his compulsion to act out. I feel like shouting for joy because you sound so much happier about your situation now than you did before. God is awesome for listening to my prayers and blessing you and your family.

I also thought it was cool that you responded to this loaded blog with so much positivity, but I honestly wasn't very surprised. You've been cheering up dreary blogs ever since you started sharing here, and I think that's commendable.

I don't know if your problems are completely solved yet, but I'm super excited that things seem to be going better now. Keep up the faith, Summer. I'm still praying for you and your family.

By the way, I'm getting close to the one hundred day mark, and I'm super excited!"
posted at 22:17:32 on February 7, 2010 by ETTE
We All feel differently    
"All of of us are different and I respect that. And since we are all different we might not see eye to eye either.
I am very happy for you and your marriage. I read D's statement and yours and just from how you talked about your husbands sounded really bitter to me. I mean that is why you come to this site, to work through the bitterness and pain, but everyone who told D she is not trapped, they were not telling her to scold, lecture, or tell her what to do but to let her know she doesn't have to "feel" trapped. You bent over backwards in your marriage because you wanted to. The prophets have lived righteously because they wanted to. Christ died on the Cross because he took upon him that duty. No one is forced. None of the people I just mentioned were forced. You weren't forced to be loving and kind to your husband, yet you did it for whatever reasons. That is what people were helping D to see. If you still feel bitterness towards your husband, then it is time to forgive, especially now that you say things are good. I mean but how must your husband feel when you are telling us that your marriage is good, yet in your first post as you call him the addict you say he is unloving and the one withdrawn. You are pointing the finger at him yet, you do not want to be judged. The scriptures tell us to judge righteously. I don't know what your husband is going through with overcoming withdrawal and showing love, but if you are pointing the finger at him in real life like you have in this post, it must be a real struggle for him to feel better and rise above. My judgements have been based on your words, not just opinion of what you have written but taking your words as literal and as your truth. I don't know how hard your husband has worked, I hope for his sake he is working hard and at least has the desire.
Though every marriage is different general advice can be given, that is what happens in the church. The lord gives commandments and counsel, then you take that, and it is up to you to figure out how to work out your salvation with the lord. That is was Dane did, and that is why Dane shared it because it worked for Dane. I f it doesn't work for you, if you have taken Dane's advise and prayed about it and the lord said it is false and not for you, then follow the lord. But when has the lord asked you to not love some one?
When has the lord asked you not to serve others?
When have you been asked by God that you shouldn't set your selfish desires aside? When has the lord told you not to be merciful? When has God said hold grudges? When did he say do not belong suffering and easy to entreat?
President Brigham Young once said that he who is offended when the offense is meant to be given is a fool, and he who is offended when the offense is not meant to be given is an even greater fool.
If you did not feel at least some love from Dane's post perhaps there is something that you still need healing from that if let go of you can have unconditional peace and happiness. But I know that bitterness and contention expressed from your post is not from the spirit that brings you happiness. 3 Nephi 11:29

Anonymous # 2"
posted at 22:35:54 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Anonymous #2    
"Since you know me so well, I will leave you with your judgments of me as they are. I will bask in your nonjudgmental ways and your Christlike love for me. I will not be back to this site."
posted at 22:36:55 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Do good    
"Because we make our own choices, we are usually not responsible for our spouses addiction but we can certainly make them worse. We can also hurt our spouses even more than an addiction could.
Anonymous3 :-)"
posted at 22:38:16 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Keep up the good work, Ette and Summer!    
"I think we are all really bad about taking advice. That's why I try to avoid giving it. The best we can offer eachother is understanding and experience. Nobody likes being told what to do. There really is an art to helping addicts and their families and we're all just learning it. We all have some great insights. I think they're better recieved when we personalize the message to our own experience. I hear the message, "This happened to me and I learned to do this" much better than "You should do this!"
And even though I have been guilty of practicing this, on this sight, kindness goes a long way.

Anonymous 12"
posted at 22:41:50 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Don't leave, Anonymous 1!    
"We all get angry and feel misunderstood. Your opinion matters.
Anonymous52"
posted at 22:46:31 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Anonymous 2    
"Are you reacting with the same spirit you're upset about?"
posted at 22:48:17 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Does anyone know a good joke to lighten the mood?    
"???"
posted at 22:49:45 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Way to go    
"I thank you guys for sharing your success stories and sharing joy in others achievements. You know, we don't always know how to speak to each other but if we take the good and leave the bad behind I think we can all feel edified. Reading all the posts hear have taught me a lot.

I hope anonymous 1 comes back though because there is so much good here. I want to hear your success story if you are still on anonymous 1. I don't think anonymous 2 hates you or was trying to run you off or else they wouldn't have tried to help, no matter what form. But I don't mean to pry into anyones business.

I hope you all take care. And congratulations on all of your successes. I hope all of us will be able to share in the same joy."
posted at 22:56:41 on February 7, 2010 by gettinthere
This is Anonymous #2    
"Hi Everyone. I am not upset, nor have I been while writing my comments. Anonymous, I feel for you, I felt your pain in your post and wanted to share my opinions to bring a new perspective on things that maybe you might have missed. I did it in the wrong way for you to trust me and see the things I have to say openly. I apologize. Don't leave. Both of us need this site, that is why we are here. I wanted to respond to you because I know what you must be facing. I have a spouse with an addiction. Just as I can harm you with words and make you want to leave this site so to can we be to our spouses wether by accident or pure good intentions. I am sorry, sincerely. There was a great apostle who once said that if you treat a man(person) how he is he will remain how he is, but if you treat him how he can be that is who he will become. I agree with you Anonymous that we need love, trust, honesty, and lack of withdrawal in our marriage. I also agree with you Dane that we need love, service, honesty, mercy, and positive change. Take care all. I apologize for any negativity, you might have felt from reading my comments. I didn't write in anger or hate. I wrote out of concern and love and never meant to be apart of anyone feeling hurt or degraded.
Goodbye.

Anonymous #2"
posted at 23:09:12 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Anonymous3    
"Just saw this one on the site, thought it sounded nice for this blog.

"Jesus rejected temptation. When confronted by the great tempter himself, Jesus "[yielded] not to the temptation”. He countered with scripture. Gospel commandments and standards are our protection also, and like the Savior, we may draw strength from the scriptures to resist temptation."
— D. Todd Christofferson
General Conference October 2006"
posted at 23:20:36 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Anonymous 2    
"My wife would kill me if she knew I was on, but I know she will not be back. WOW! You sure can take words and twist them into something that just isn't so. My wife stated a fact in response to something the opening poster said about spouse's behavior. Sorry but in our marriage I will be the first to say that I am the unloving and withdrawing spouse. I learned well from my childhood home. I am the addict. My wife was not being bitter. And she certainly didn't betray anything, anyone who knows us would say the same thing. She didn't give my name, she didn't do anything more than say that generalizations are not really a good idea. You though wow, you turned her into the witch of the south. My you said a lot of things based on assumptions and in doing so made some very inaccurate statements. My wife has never thrown things in my face and brought things up, in fact, to be honest, I have been the one to do that kind of behavior. My wife has been a great support to me, and I have been told by more than one bishop that I am lucky she is my wife and not someone else. She is probably one of the most Christlike, loving people I know. You say what you wrote was out of love, well frankly what I read doesn't feel very loving, it feels very judgmental and uninformed. You did a lot of jumping to conclusions. I won't say my wife is perfect, but when she responded she was upset by what she felt was an attack on someone, whether that was right or not, your responses were just plain mean. She wrote a paragraph and you wrote pages based upon your interpretation of her words. You don't kinow her from Eve. Just remember the only finger pointing that I see was done was you, and just remember what my wife has always told me about finger pointing, for every finger pointing out there are three pointing back. My wife did not say she had a problem with his advice at the end, she had a problem with the generalizations and also some statements. I myself do not agree with one of his statements. It does take two to make a marriage work, but it only takes one unrepentant unwilling person to destroy a marriage. We are done and won't be back. Don't bother to respond we won't be back to read it."
posted at 02:37:24 on February 8, 2010 by Anonymous
Very interesting    
"I have ready all of these posts and wow. I honestly think daneadams was trying to share some perspective and not bash. I think anonymous was sharing some frustration and anonymous 2 was too but trying to share some help from their perspective. There were judgments made by anonymous through words such as sanctimonious, lecture, and get off your soap box. To me their did sound like some bitterness. Anonymous 2 probably could have shared things a little differently but it is clear from one of the last statements that they were trying to help because they had gone through something similar. I think it is cool that anonymous's husband got on but that didn't help him feel good nor anyone else I am sure. It truly does take 2 to destroy something, and one to start it. in the end, who is gonna be happier, the one who repented and forgave or the one who is still holding a grudge? I think putting everything together especially from what daneadams said it is all true. and if anonymous 1 and 2 can love each other as children of God, seek change, serve each other, repent, and have mercy, I am sure they can have happiness just like a married couple. (Even though they are not married) :-) Anonymous 2 apologized, you can accept that or not, but I think everyone who has read this post can see that 2 can destroy things but it does take one to start it. And if one is unwilling, things can't make a resolve.

I hope anonymous and her husband can continue to have success in their marriage, and that you can forgive anonymous 2. It is not worth it to hold on. Stay and don't leave, at least not because of one blog.

anonymous anonymous"
posted at 05:01:16 on February 8, 2010 by Anonymous
1 more thought    
"I was just thinking to my self that when we have a relationship with Christ that makes two people in the relationship. If I give up on Christ I can really hurt the relationship, but as long as Christ doesn't give up on me, the relationship still has a chance. 1 person can hurt and do a lot of damage to a relationship but it isn't always over till the other ends it. And sometimes, it is good to end it, but most of the time God is the only one who can really tell you if ending it is a good idea or not.

anonymous anonymous"
posted at 05:16:36 on February 8, 2010 by Anonymous
Just wondering    
"Not trying to be controversial but I was just wondering if Dane would say anything differently if he were addressing a wife of a porn addict who has now crossed into sexually abusing her? Not all wives who are being sexually abused have received confirmation that it is ok to leave their husbands."
posted at 07:01:07 on February 8, 2010 by Anonymous
in cases of abuse    
"Sometimes the lord doesn't always tell you what you already know. If someone pulled a gun on you would the lord tell you to flee for your life and safety? Probably, maybe. How about if you were going to go see a movie with someone and you knew they were going to bring a gun, would you wait for the lord to tell you that-that is a bad situation? Or would you go to the movies with that person and say well, the lord will tell me when I need to be safe or leave? If the person is not a security guard, but a crazy person, chances are you shouldn't go because your life could be in danger. I think Dane's post was for a certain situation mentioned by the person he is sharing with. Dane wasn't sharing with someone who had lost all hope but with someone who still saw some hope but maybe needed a little more, that's my opinion anyway."
posted at 09:18:30 on February 8, 2010 by Anonymous


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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

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