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sorry but I need help..again
By helpme
2/3/2010 11:49:13 PM
I am so sorry! I know I am on here a lot....but this site just gives me so much comfort. I had so much help last time and I am hoping this time will be the same. Last time I said that I felt guilty being with my boyfriend when he doesnt know my mb addiction...now he is part of it. I havent been mb for about a month and now because of him I want to. Dont get me wrong. He is amazing! Its not like he has done anything. But right now even kissing gets to me. I want to say something but I feel it will ruin everything. I mean I know he will be great about it but I dont think it is the right thing to do. I have limited our kissing a lot lately but now he thinks something is wrong and that I am acting weird about "us". What do I do? I dont think I feel comfortable with telling him this. Even though I trust him so much...I am just afriad that it will make things A LOT different for us and I really dont want that...I feel as if I should break up with him cause I feel like I am dragging him down and getting him involved in a whole wreck of problems that he doesnt need. I am so lost. SO sorry to vent but if anyone could help that would be amazing

Comments:

Don't break up with him.    
"Marry him! : )"
posted at 00:52:28 on February 4, 2010 by Anonymous
Maybe the use some truth    
"Maybe you should let him know about things without getting into detail. Look mb is a very personal issue to work with. And who knows maybe he is struggling in his own way with things sexually, maybe not mb but you never know. You could let him know that you are just trying to make sure that you don't get carried away. It seems as though you love him, so let him know you are doing this because you love him and want to make sure that if things ever go further with you such as marriage, you want to feel worthy as you enter the temple.

I knew a couple once who did not kiss until their wedding day. I thought that was the coolest thing and wanted to do that, I did not succeed but my wife and I were worthy when we entered the temple and that was great. The couple who didn't kiss said their intimacy was just amazing since they were able to hold off for so long.

But way to go for working hard and staying in control. Keep up the good work."
posted at 02:26:00 on February 4, 2010 by gettinthere
Relax,    
"If you're spending tons of time thinking about whether or not you should tell your boyfriend about your masturbation problem, then you should just ask the Lord what to do. In any case, I have a hard time believing you should break up with your boyfriend because you're addicted to masturbation.

Telling your boyfriend about your addiction might not be as bad as you think. You might be surprised to hear that the vast majority of Elders I met on my mission admitted to masturbating on a daily basis, which means that masturbation really isn't a very big deal to most LDS young men. I'm not condoning the practice, I'm just saying that most Mormons don't even think twice about it, and I would be absolutely shocked if your boyfriend has a hard time relating to and accepting your addiction.

Actually, when I told my girlfriend that I'm addicted to looking at pornography and masturbating, she said that she thought that was perfectly normal. After I explained all the steps I'm taking to overcome my addiction, she told me that she saw my addiction as one of my strengths, and she was attracted to the fact that I was trying so hard to be pure. Our relationship grew much deeper after I told her, and now she's become one of my greatest supports. She really holds me in check when it comes to cuddling and kissing, and she always asks questions like, "are you sure you should be doing this? Won't this make it harder for your addiction?" She also told me that if there comes a day when I relapse again, she'll be right by my side to help me get back up and move forward. I think there's a high chance that your boyfriend would be equally understanding if you tell him.

Good luck, Helpme. I hope my advice doesn't lead you astray. I just know from my own experiences that I have never regretted being honest about my addiction, especially if I prayed about it and felt like I should tell someone."
posted at 02:34:05 on February 4, 2010 by ETTE
Some thoughts with love    
"Gettinthere - I never kissed my wife until we were married either. ... Before that, she was my girlfriend :). (My girlfriend and I set limits on our intimacy, too, and even that was probably more physicality than we needed.)

Ette - It seems like you have an attitude that we should not stress out so much about our mb problems, but we should still consider them problems and continue to work on them. I agree. I think mb is largely a function of selfishness (and lust). There are lots of ways in which we are selfish, and we don't think twice about them. (I am always craving the last cookie when I know I've already had more than my wife or kids.) Either we should focus more on those other selfish problems or less on this one. I don't think we should treat this problem any different from the other issues we have, as long as mb isn't carrying us away to all kinds of worse sins. As with any problem, sometimes telling people we trust ("look, I have this problem, can you help me?") is a good way to overcome.

Helpme - I think you SHOULD be worried and careful discussing sexual things like this with your boyfriend. If he is NOT the right person for you, it could go the wrong direction, and he could try to use your known sexual drive to take advantage of you.

But it seems like he's a good guy, and would not want to hurt or threaten you. For that reason, it might be a good idea to tell him simply, "I really like you/love you a lot...and I'm afraid that if I'm not careful, I could do things with you that I will later regret. That's why I'm keeping my distance a little, not because I love you less. Will you help us to stay worthy?"

If he likes that approach, and you keep putting God first (Please read my PUT GOD FIRST entry on this blog: http://www.ldsar.org/ViewBlog.aspx?EntryId=6287 ), then he may soon ask you to marry him, at which point I think it would be completely appropriate to share your problem and ask him to share any he may have. Then, lovingly, you can commit to put God first and to work on these problems together.

If he doesn't like you telling him, "I think we should be careful and stay worthy," perhaps he's not the right one for you.

Additionally, I ask, has this young man served a mission? I strongly recommend you save yourself for someone who has given two years of his life to serve God and put God first. Do not seriously/steadily date anyone who has not, in my opinion. (No offense to those of you who did not serve out there, but surely you can see wisdom in that, and I think the apostles would agree with that suggestion.)

You said, "I am just afriad that it will make things A LOT different for us and I really dont want that...I feel as if I should break up with him cause I feel like I am dragging him down and getting him involved in a whole wreck of problems that he doesnt need"

You are right, telling him about your intimate problems WILL make things A LOT different, and I discourage it until you feel you are ready for that kind of closeness, perhaps after you are engaged.

However, EVERYONE has problems. Do not think yours are better or worse than anyone else's. Do not think you are more or less worthy than he is. With the atonement, you are on the same level as your boyfriend. Do not break up with him because of this problem. There are reasons to breakup with a boyfriend. This is NOT one of them."
posted at 12:59:49 on February 4, 2010 by BeClean
I agree    
"I agree with BECLEAN. You may find that some return missionaries seem like they have never served and didn't grow, but the majority of missionaries who have served do grow, and grow by a lot. At least you will know that the RM knows what they should be doing.

HELPME-In all honesty, as stated before, the best thing to do is seek guidance from the lord. Make a decision on these things or get as close as you can and then take it to the lord and ask him to guide you, or ask if what you have chosen is the right thing. I think he wants to be more involved with our lives and decision making than we think he does. You can do it. And don't apologize for writing another blog, write as many as you need, and then when the day comes that you have tasted of the atonement fully and are healed, come back and give us words of advice."
posted at 13:31:16 on February 4, 2010 by GETTINTHERE
Definitely pray and follow what He tells you.    
"I definitely agree with Ette that you should pray and follow the Lord’s direction on talking to your boyfriend. I have talked to a lot of people about my addiction as the need arose: both mine and my wife’s families, total strangers and even one boss that wanted me to go on a business trip when I didn’t feel like I was ready. I have never been sorry once I got a confirmation from the Lord that I should talk to someone. Actually I kind of like the marrying him idea too. :)

It sounds like you still haven’t told Satan to take a hike like I suggested in one of your other posts. Like BeClean said everyone has problems. Even the best woman in the world has a few issues and my experience is that the men aren’t as good as the women on the average. I heard one time, and I am sorry that I can’t give the reference right off, that one of our prophets said to the first presidency and twelve apostles that each one of them had married better than themselves. If you do marry this guy and end out being one of the 1/10 of 1% where the wife isn’t the spiritually strong one in the marriage it won’t be a tragedy. Even if he is a great guy, and he probably is, I’m betting you will be stronger spiritually. Right now you are on the way to developing a testimony of the Atonement that will be stronger than most people in the church. This guy better marry you soon before you get even farther ahead of him.

OK one bit of serious advice. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law set themselves a 3 kiss rule to make sure things didn’t get out of hand. If he is as good as you say he won’t be upset if you ask him to set limits of some kind to help keep the good moral standards of the church. When my future brother-in-law asked my sister to quit wearing short skirts he went way up in my opinion."
posted at 17:30:27 on February 4, 2010 by justjohn
PS - on the RM thing    
"I’m not trying to be argumentative, but the gentleman that asked my youngest sister to stop wearing the short skirts never went on a mission. The two ex-brother-in-laws that married my oldest sister were both return missionaries. Both of them are porn addicts. One of them never even recognized that he had a problem, the other one I still have hope for. I guess what I am saying is, I agree with the RM thing as a general rule, but not a hard and fast one. To borrow from the “Princess Bride” I’ve known too many return missionaries. In fact as I think about it, of my three sisters the two that are still married to their first husbands didn’t marry return missionaries. I want to repeat though that I think it is a good standard. Maybe find a return missionary and then over time find out if he is a good one."
posted at 17:42:40 on February 4, 2010 by justjohn
LET OTHERS LOVE YOU.................................................LOVE YOURSELF!    
"Confession is part of the repentance process. If you have confessed to your bishop you should not continue to tell others what you have done. The Lord remembers your sins no more and neither should you in terms of telling others about them. No one is perfect. This young man has sins that he has commited. If you have repented digging up the past sins has no benefit. Repent, forgive yourself, and move on to work on other problems
Hate is like holding on to a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone, the problem is the only one it burns is you. Self hate is just holding on to all the coals. Drop your coals and love yourself, and more importantly LET OTHERS LOVE YOU.
Good luck"
posted at 10:19:24 on February 5, 2010 by daneadams
As a wife    
"As a wife of a porn addict I would just want to tell you to please tell him before you marry him, if that is where you are headed. Even if you think you are over it. It is not fair to find out after being married that your spouse has a porn/mb problem. I wish that my husband told me. He didn't, and now i feel like I am trapped in a marriage to a sex addict."
posted at 15:34:07 on February 5, 2010 by d
D    
"D, I am not in your shoes and I hope to be as sensitive as I can when writing you. I am very sorry for your situation and feel for you. There are many men out there who are clean and free of addiction, you are not trapped to your spouse. If you are staying in the marriage because you love him and believe he can succeed then that is one thing, but you are not trapped. Your husband violated the covenants you made in marriage. So you are not stuck to him, unless you want to be. But the lord has never stopped you from choosing a different partner who will be true to you. He has asked that we not divorce, but he has also asked that we not violate the covenants we have made with him. You are trapped in a marriage with a sex addict, but only because your husband is a sex addict, and you have not left him. I respect your commitment, it is very honorable. I just feel that you should have the opportunity to be treated like the daughter of God that you are, and you should have happiness too.
HELPME, I would say that if you repent and are clean and are healed from the atonement, then when you get married I don't think there is a need to tell your husband. If you are getting married and feel that you don't quite have things under control, then yes you shoulc tell him. But I think DANEADAMS is absolutely correct in the fact that, you have already confessed it to the person that counts. And if you make things right through the bishop, there is no need to tell anyone else. I knew a stake president once who actually advice married couples not to talk about past sins and transgressions, as long as they are repented of and are not effecting the current relationship. He said too many times he saw couple hold on to things from their spouses past that their spouses had already repented of, and he also saw too many divorces from the same type of matters."
posted at 16:30:59 on February 5, 2010 by Anonymous
D2    
"D - Welcome to the site. There are several women on this site in exactly your shoes. Please share your thoughts and read theirs. You can help each other, and we who are addicted benefit from your opinions and thoughts, too.

I agree with Anonymous, and I add that if God leads you to help your porn-addict husband repent, you and your marriage will be better for it. You will no longer be in a marriage with a porn-addict, but with a penitent, humble servant of God.

I'm sure this is extremely difficult for you--just how difficult, I can't imagine. Nevertheless, please try to remember that the atonement of Christ extends to you AND your husband. BOTH of you need its healing, forgiving power, and it can erase the sin and the sting of sin from BOTH of your lives.

When Eve sinned, Adam stood by her side though it brought them both pain, suffering, sorrow, and death. And the Savior redeemed them both. In some cases, we are called to stand by the side of our spouses when they sin. In other cases, we are not. Surely it depends on the attitude of our spouse and also on the direction we receive from God."
posted at 17:24:34 on February 5, 2010 by BeClean
RM    
"JustJohn, thanks for sharing your personal experience with RMs. I, too, don't intend to "argue," but to explain my position a little better.

We recognize that there are good RMs, and there are bad RMs. There are good Mormons, and there are bad Mormons. There are good Christians, and there are bad Christians. There are good temple marriages, and there are bad temple marriages.

Still, prophets have counseled us to marry within our religion, in the temple. Should we ignore that counsel because we know a few bad Mormons and a few bad temple marriages?

Prophets have also instructed every worthy young man to serve a mission. And they go on to counsel that if a young man is not worthy, he should make himself worthy. In other words, every young man should serve a mission.

Finally, if we want to be the best we can be and overcome our addictions, we need to put God first. If we are trying to put God first in our lives, it would be wise to marry someone who also wants to put God first.

A young man of mission age who refuses to serve a mission is, in my opinion, not putting God first in his life--unless God has DIRECTLY revealed to him that he is somehow exempt from the commandment to serve a mission given by prophets. Thus, it would be unwise to seriously date or marry a young man of mission age who refuses to serve a mission.

HOWEVER, WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES! So, if you did not serve a mission, and it is truly too late, you can repent and begin to put God first. If you married someone who did not serve a mission, you can both repent and begin to put God first.

That is my opinion on the matter. Seek a companion who will put God first in his or her life. If there are obvious areas where that person is not putting God first, and he or she has NO INTENTION to do so, you probably should not consider marrying that person.

That is, by the way, why I think it is perfectly OK for Helpme to continue dating her boyfriend, even though she struggles with mb. She appears to have every intention of putting God first in her life. If her boyfriend does, too, then God will bless them. Either their relationship will "fall into place," or it won't, with God's blessing."
posted at 17:40:03 on February 5, 2010 by BeClean
just a correction    
"Although you probably already know this BECLEAN but just wrote the wrong word, Eve did not sin. If anyones actions would be close it a sin it would be Adam's because Eve was tricked but Adam knowingly partook of the fruit. But we do know that none of them sinned. I am greatful Adam did not just leave Eve to be alone. But Adam partook because he knew that Eve wanted to follow the commandments and he did too, and had he not gone with Eve he truly would be sinning because he could not multiply and replenish by himself. And that would be the true sin since it came from a commandment and not just a command. Here are two great quotes:

President Joseph Fielding Smith (1876–1972) said: “I never speak of the part Eve took in this fall as a sin, nor do I accuse Adam of a sin. … This was a transgression of the law, but not a sin … for it was something that Adam and Eve had to do!”

Regarding this distinction, Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles observed: “This suggested contrast between a sin and a transgression reminds us of the careful wording in the second article of faith: ‘We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression’ (emphasis added). It also echoes a familiar distinction in the law. Some acts, like murder, are crimes because they are inherently wrong. Other acts, like operating without a license, are crimes only because they are legally prohibited. Under these distinctions, the act that produced the Fall was not a sin—inherently wrong—but a transgression—wrong because it was formally prohibited. These words are not always used to denote something different, but this distinction seems meaningful in the circumstances of the Fall.”"
posted at 03:51:02 on February 6, 2010 by Anonymous
still sort of lost...    
"Thank you for all of your comments. Let me clear a few things up. He went on his mission was out a year and came home because he missed his girlfriend and was in way heavy depression. He has been home a year now. I have known him for 1 years been with him for 4 months. We really do have our future planned out with eachother BUT he is going back out on his mission in May. He isnt going to write me on his mission until he feels comfortable with it- cause he wants to stay as focused as he can. So yes he will be a return missionary. I hate having a bf really I do....I care for him so much. But it raises my temptation level. I dont think I am strong enough...I have already gone to far with a few guys. And although I feel different about him I really can't tell at this point if it is satan trying to get me to ditch him and feel bad about myself or if it is God warning me to not have a boyfriend. I know I need to read my scriptures more and pray. Its just so hard sometimes. Obviously I am really lost right now...any more advice? How can I have a boyfriend and feel right about it...even after we have limited our kissing and take huge precautions. I feel like my addiction is once again getting the better with me and I can't even have a boyfriend without either bringing him into it, bringing him down, or increasing my hunger for mb."
posted at 14:48:17 on February 6, 2010 by helpme
IT IS A PROBLEM THAT WILL CONTINUE INTO MARRIAGE    
"Although there are many college students who think so, getting married will not change your problem with self control. You must learn to overcome the problem know.
You are a body, spirit, and intelligence (id, superego, and ego) each with its own desires. As you listen to the body and ignore the spirit, the desires of the body grow stronger. You must learn to put the desires of the body in check and grow your spirit.
This is done by letting in the Holy Ghost (however you do it), fasting, praying, and meditating.
The last and greatest food for the spirit is SERVICE. Lose yourself in the service of others, and the Lord will bless you and enlarge your spirit."
posted at 14:57:31 on February 6, 2010 by daneadams
Don't remain lost    
"The tools are here on this earth to help, we just have to find them, but have comfort in knowing the church has them, or Our God has revealed them and we now have them especially the saving ordinances and teachings and doctrine and principles in the church.

I trust you HELPME, and I trust your boyfriend, but I DON'T trust Satan!!!! He has thousands of years of experience with sin and temptation. He knows your vulnerability and especially your boyfriend's with regards to his mission. He will work hard. This is the most crucial time to get help and control with your standards. You are not just going to harm you if you mess up with your boyfriend but you will harm your boyfriend too, you will harm all of the people on his mission who needed to hear what he needed to tell them. (I don't mean "you" are going to do this but I am saying "you" in a general sense.) You can overcome and we are all here to help for you, your boyfriend, all of the people he needs to help on his mission, and all of the people you will help from your addiction recovery.

I also agree with DANEADAMS. In regards to recovering with homosexual temptations, Dallin H. Oaks has stated that marriage is not a step one should take to overcome problems with homosexual feelings. If it doesn't work in that situation I don't think it will work for any addiction. Marriage is not for overcomeing addictions, it does help each individual on the road of perfection.

Just my thoughts."
posted at 16:50:47 on February 6, 2010 by gettinthere
A reason to break it off    
"ANONYMOUS: Thank you for your quotes from President Smith and Elder Oaks. I would point out that Adam and Eve DID sin (or knowingly disobey God) at SOME point in their lives, although perhaps the word "sin" does not perfectly describe the actions that caused the fall of man. We are taught that only the Savior was perfect. That would indicate that all others have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Even Adam and Eve required the atonement after their transgression in order to overcome the effects of the fall and get back into God's presence.

Whether Adam and Eve actually "sinned" when they partook of the forbidden fruit is, perhaps, irrelevant to my comment. My focus was on the fact that when Eve partook, Adam decided to stand by her side, despite knowing there would be pain, suffering, sorrow, and death.

I think God wants us to learn several lessons from that story, one of which is that we should stand by our spouses in trials, in temptations, in sin, and in suffering, throughout our entire lives, unless we are commanded by the Spirit to do otherwise (which, I believe, IS also possible).

HELPME: I am glad to hear that your missionary is planning to return to the field. I am now going to change tactics with you a little bit.

I have been telling you that your mb problem is NOT sufficient reason to breakup with your boyfriend. You are trying to overcome it (it sounds like there is more you could be doing--most of us could be doing more), and no one is perfect.

However, there ARE reasons to break up with someone you like. It is my OPINION that the purpose of steady dating is NOT physical intimacy. The purpose of steady dating is to see if you should get engaged. Again, it's my OPINION that you should not steadily date ANYONE unless both of you are in a state where your dating could end in an engagement. Since your boyfriend is planning to return to the mission field (which I think is a GOOD thing), he is NOT in a position to end this relationship in an engagement. Therefore, it's my OPINION that you should not be steadily dating him.

That does not mean you cannot get back together with your boyfriend and date steadily after he returns from his mission. But his righteous desires indicate that he is not ready to get engaged right now. So, steadily dating him can have no other purpose than to encourage physical intimacy, which is NOT appropriate for you (considering your addiction) or for your boyfriend (considering his need to prepare mentally and spiritually for a return to the mission field).

If you care for your boyfriend as much as you say you do, you will do everything in your power to help him prepare to serve God and put God first in his life (even if that means putting God before you). And if he cares for you, he will also do everything in his power to keep you clean and to help you put God first in your life (like encouraging you to read your scriptures every day and pray always).

You asked for more advice, and I have given it, with love. Helpme, put God first!! Your relationship with your boyfriend cannot work out permanently and perfectly unless you put God first. He should do the same. Read your scriptures daily, fast (as DaneAdams likes to remind us) and pray. I suggest you do not steadily date ANYONE unless he is a returned missionary, ready to take you to the temple when the time is right.

So, tell your boyfriend you care about him. Instruct him to put God first and to get ready for his mission, and tell him that if you are still around when he gets back, you will be very excited to date him again. But he should focus on God, not you, while he is out. If he puts God first, his own future marriage will work out for the best, too.

I know what I'm saying may be hard to read, but it's what I believe. It's my OPINION, which I COULD support with general authority quotes and so forth, but I won't do that right now. Take it for what it's worth. The most important part of what I say is: put God first!"
posted at 17:50:23 on February 6, 2010 by BeClean
In all honesty    
"Like you said BECLEAN Adam and Eve at one point might have sinned somehow, but from the prophets we know their first act of disobedience is considered a transgression. In relation to HELPME, I think BECLEAN's idea is good about Adam and Eve. But let me share a different point of view to relate to your situation. I don't personally believe Adam was selfish, but Adam knew that if he remained in the garden alone he would be sinning because he wouldn't be able to create children and multiply and replenish. So Adam knew he had to follow Eve to be able to keep the Commandment God gave him to multiply and replenish. So, maybe he was being selfish at that point or because they were innocent he really had no emotions attatched but he did know he needed to follow the commandments. But for me, it is what happened after everything was said and done. Adam and Eve were sent out to a world that was nothing like the Garden of Eden. They could now experience pain and death and disease. Now, they could actually sin. But Adam even after all of the junk they went through in this mortal life, especially having one of their sons kill their other son and then he gets it from God, man Adam and Eve could have given up on each other and let depression and other things get in the way but they stuck together. Yes, after their first transgression, which they both transgressed in Eden, they stuck by each others side. But like Adam and Eve you want someone you can stick by through your whole life and who will stick by you, even if you lived over 900 years like Adam. We know through revelation and parts of D&C that Adam and Eve are still together. That is what you want. Now that they are in a place where they can rest from their cares they can have so much happiness. Adam and Eve also were without bodies in the spirit world until Christ's resurrection and the first resurrection took place. As spirits you don't have physical sexual interactions, so if that is what a relationship is based on, what will you do in the spirit world while you are waiting for a body. Base your relationships on the things the lord counts as meaningful.
Here are some scriptures about Adam and Eve on the other Side.

D&C 138
38 Among the great and amighty ones who were assembled in this vast congregation of the righteous were Father bAdam, the cAncient of Days and father of all,
39 And our glorious aMother bEve, with many of her faithful cdaughters who had lived through the ages and worshiped the true and living God.
49 All these and many more, even the aprophets who dwelt among the Nephites and btestified of the coming of the Son of God, mingled in the vast assembly and waited for their deliverance,
50 For the adead had looked upon the long absence of their bspirits from their bodies as a cbondage.

The whole chapter it great."
posted at 01:21:29 on February 7, 2010 by Anonymous
Quotes    
"At the end of your post Beclean you said you could back up your opinions with quotes? Which opinions were those? Can you give some examples because I would love to have any quotes you have to offer. Thank you."
posted at 22:42:42 on February 7, 2010 by gettinthere
Quotes for Gettinthere    
"Sure, Gettinthere, I can provide quotes and scriptures. However, I don't have time to find support for everything I wrote (unless someone really demands it). If you feel that certain parts of my opinion do not need further clarification, then I won't do the research for those parts.

So, which part of my statements and opinions would you like me to support with authority?

1. The fact that everyone (including Adam and Eve) sins and no one is perfect
2. The idea that God normally wants us to stand by our spouses through everything, but he can inspire or command differently
3. The opinion that the purpose of steady dating is for evaluating the possibility of marriage, and if marriage is not currently a possibility, then steady dating should be avoided
4. The commandment that all young men should serve a mission
5. The suggestion that young men should not steadily date before their mission and young women should steadily date only returned missionaries ready to take them to the temple
6. The belief that we should put God first and help others to do the same
7. The truth that if we put God first, everything will eventually work out, and if we don't then eventually nothing will work out
8. The theory that young men should focus on God, not girlfriends, as they prepare for and serve their mission
9. Some other thought or opinion I shared that I have missed in my enumeration"
posted at 08:39:08 on February 8, 2010 by BeClean
nevermind    
"I wasn't sure what you were talking about with your opinion and the quotes. I wasn't trying to put you on the spot I just figured since you mentioned it you might have some quotes off the top of your head but nevermind. Thank you anyway."
posted at 09:26:16 on February 8, 2010 by gettinthere
Sorry    
"I'm sorry, Gettinthere, I didn't mean to fail at answering your request.

I DO have a few quotes off the top of my head...even several. I would only have to look them up to get the wording precise. I just didn't know which part of my opinions could use the most support.

I am more than happy to post something, honestly. Please just let me know."
posted at 09:39:27 on February 8, 2010 by BeClean
This, that and the other thing    
"BeClean,
I agree with you fully on the RM/Mormon/Temple Marriage thought. I hope all my kids marry return missionaries, boys and girls. I married a return missionary and have never been sorry. I decided that it would be a good thing when I hit the MTC and realized that there were some very pleasant looking sisters. The more a person follows the counsel of church leaders the better the odds of happiness. I probably should give a little background on my two non-RM brother-in-laws who I held up as good examples that men can be good husbands without serving missions. The first one had a pregnancy get in the way of his serving. He was a senior and she a sophomore in high school at the time of their marriage. It has been tough, but they have been married over 30 years now. I think they are shining examples of how people can make things work in less than ideal situations.

The second brother-in-law I blame his parents for him not going. He is a good strong, faithful priesthood holder, but I think he was robbed of many valuable experiences by not going. I think he would have gone if his parents gave him even the slightest nudge towards a mission. Instead they encouraged him not to go in favor of an athletic career. The real kicker was that his father was a mission president! The excuse that they hoped would make it sound OK was that he could share the gospel through his sports career. He did play pro one year, but I would like to kick his dad’s but up around his ears every time I think about it.

D,
I pray that things will work out the best for you. I can’t really understand how you must feel because I am the porn addict that my wife has had to deal with. I did tell my wife while we were engaged. I feel for sisters who do everything they were taught in Young Womens (i.e. server faithfully, marry a return missionary in the temple) and then one day wake up feeling like they are in a made-for-TV drama.

I know that the Lord can and will guide as to what you need to do. My sister, through the 12 Step program, found the strength to let go of her 20 year temple marriage in order to get the influence out of her house. Her husband refused to admit that there was a problem. She now has two daughters that have happy temple marriages, one of those daughters has served a mission and her oldest son is returning from his mission today. I often wonder if those things would have happened if she had stayed in the marriage. I feel she did the right thing for her and the children.

On the other side of the coin, my wife prayed about leaving me twice. I am just grateful that she prayed about it and that she accepted the answer that she should stay with me. I can testify that there certainly was no ray of hope, no light at the end of the tunnel when she was told to stay married to this addict. If anything it looked like I was just getting worse. Only Heavenly Father could have known at that point that I would eventually find a solution in the recovery program and pull my head out.

I promise that your Heavenly Father is concerned about you, and will help you know exactly what you need to do for you and your husband. His arm is stretched out towards you.

HelpMe,
I think it is great that your bf is going back out. Not too many young men would do that. He will be an awesome missionary during the second phase of his mission, and he will come home a very different man than he was when he left the first time. I have to agree with BeClean that there is a very high risk in your relationship continuing right now. Satan doesn’t want you to recover and he doesn’t want him to return to the mission field. He will do everything to stop those things from happening. I pray that you will know the direction you should take. If you do decide to put the relationship “on hold” don’t do it because of your feelings of not being worthy. Those feelings are coming directly from Satan. I used to have similar feelings of worthlessness. I was 33 before I realized I wasn’t a complete failure. I was well into my 40’s and in recovery before I started to feel about myself the way Heavenly Father does, and that was only through praying for it and turning my struggle with depression over to Him and finally finding a solution for that. I feel strongly that you and your bf can put this on hold and still be friends. There doesn’t have to be hard feelings, particularly if you are only doing to thwart Satan’s designs and you can pick it up when he gets back if it is the right thing. I am happily married to my old girlfriend’s sister. She (my sister-in-law) dumped me our senior year, but because there weren’t hard feelings, I was happy for her when she wrote me on my mission and told me she was getting married to her former boy friend. He had been on a mission while we dated. Four years after my mission I ran into her younger sister, whom I actually got know by going over to their house and visiting after our dates. My wife wanted to make sure that I was dating her for herself and not just because I had never gotten over her sister, but now we are married and everyone is fine with it. We are better friends with them than we are with any other couple in either of our families. It can all work, whether you two end up together or not, and if God is in charge it will work out right."
posted at 15:43:58 on February 9, 2010 by justjohn
....dunno    
"Thank you JUSTJOHN and beclean. I completly understand what you are saying...but I can't hurt him. I am really nervous....I am so confused. I really care for him so much and I feel as if he is helping me SO much. We really dont kiss that much and I am very aware of my limits. I completely understand the part about "satan knows our weakness" and so he could come in the way. I just feel as if we are so centered around God that everything will be okay..but with my past and weaknesses I understand....I just dont know if I can let him go...or how to let him go"
posted at 20:20:49 on February 10, 2010 by helpme
What is God telling you?    
"Helpme, are you reading your scriptures daily and praying for guidance constantly?

If so, when you read the scriptures, ponder, and pray about your personal situation (and about what other people are telling you), what impressions come to you? We on this site can only do so much to help, despite our earnest desires. You are entitled to your own revelation from a loving Heavenly Father. What is he telling you?

If no impressions are coming, then I suggest you come up with your own solution, whether that be to remain with your boyfriend or to part company with him for a while.

Then, take your decision to the Lord and ask him if it's right. He will tell you. He will confirm it, he will deny it, or he will say nothing. If he confirms or denies your decision, you will know exactly what to do, and you should do it with real intent. If he says nothing, I believe you can assume that your decision is good enough "for now," and he will stop you if you head down the wrong path.

Remember, God loves you, and He wants all things that are good to come to you. They will, if you put Him first and commit to follow Him."
posted at 21:40:11 on February 10, 2010 by BeClean
well...    
"how do you know he doesn't feel the same way? If you both took the opportunity to go and pray about it and think about it you both could receive answers and if they match up you know it is right.
Though things are great when God is around us humans aren't always the best at making sure he is in our lives 24/7. Don't tempt the lord. You have got to know for sure you are safe. If you were gonna go sky diving would you let some random person set up your equipment? Hopefully not, you want someone who knows what they are doing and can make sure you are safe, and all though your equipment might be safe you might still find yourself in danger. Let God be your safety and after you are sealed in the temple and pure, you can then look back and say he was with us and helped us as we desired to live righteously."
posted at 23:13:22 on February 10, 2010 by maybeme
trying    
"My bf and I took a break for 2 days...it was supposed to be for a week but it didnt work out. I care for him so much and I am seriously getting mixed feelings about being with him and breaking up with him. I break up with him and then I feel awful...I mean I know when you break up it hurts, but this is different I stress out even more- and then I want to mb so bad. Plus he really does help me without knowing about my problem. I have been praying and I really dont get an answer. So I decided to get back with him. I met with a new counselour last week and she was SO good. I was so excited! I am meeting with her again on thrusday so I am hoping that she can help me with this whole boy thing. I dont want to rely on him to much and I am trying so hard to rely on the Lord."
posted at 01:58:53 on February 21, 2010 by helpme
My experience with Personal Revelation    
"It's good to hear from you again, HelpMe!

You say, "I have been praying and I really don't get an answer." I am glad you are praying. May I ask exactly what you are praying for and what kind of an answer you expect? Obviously, our Heavenly Father wants US to make a lot of decisions on our own; that's the way we learn. So, if you're praying, "Father, tell me if I should stay with this guy," my guess is he won't say much. He'll just say, "What do you think?" Don't you hate it when your parents say that to you?

So, really, HelpMe, "What do YOU think?" After reading everything that we have said on this website, and after thinking about it by yourself, and after considering everything to do with your addiction, do YOU think you should be dating this boy right now?

If so, then tell Heavenly Father, "I think I should be dating this boy, and so that's what I am going to do." Then tell Heavenly Father, "But I really want to do what YOU want me to do, so if I'm doing the wrong thing, please stop me!" Then, assuming you don't feel the Spirit telling you to stop, just keep dating him and be confident knowing you are doing the right thing! Heavenly Father will tell you if you aren't; you asked him to.

However, if you feel that you should NOT date this boy until after he completes his mission, then tell Heavenly Father, "I feel like I should NOT be dating this boy right now. So, I won't. But, please, Heavenly Father, if I SHOULD be dating him...stop me!" Then, break up with him and wait for the Spirit. If the Spirit doesn't stop you...then you can assume you are doing the right thing.

Is this all clear, HelpMe? There are three steps:
1) MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION
2) TELL THE LORD WHAT IT IS, AND TELL HIM YOU INTEND TO DO IT UNLESS HE STOPS YOU
3) DO IT--UNLESS THE LORD STOPS YOU.
(Compare that with D&C 9:7-9)

If the Spirit happens to confirm that you have made the RIGHT decision, that's GREAT! Stick to it. If the Spirit tells you that you made the WRONG decision, then change! If the Spirit says nothing, just stick to your decision!

Finally, make sure you are reading the scriptures and praying daily. That's how Heavenly Father speaks to us. If you aren't doing those things, it's hard to get an answer to your prayers. "The words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do" (2 Ne 32:3).

With great love,"
posted at 14:03:16 on February 21, 2010 by BeClean
Thank you    
"Be clean thank you so very much. You are exactly right!"
posted at 21:48:51 on February 21, 2010 by helpme
Another thought from the wife of a sex addict    
"I only have one thing I would like to say. Be honest with your boyfriend. I agree with an earlier post that you should not hide things from someone you care about deeply and would want to marry (after his mission). I completely disagree that once sins are repented of that they never have to be brought up again. I married a man, an RM, who told me he had been on probation but nothing else. I was naive and thought he had truly repented of what he had done. I found out a year-and-a-half ago, after 15 years of marriage, that he had had multiple sexual partners. He had never truly forsaken his sins and now I am married to someone who has been unfaithful to me and been excommunicated. It really sucks that I didn't know about his past so I could make an informed decision about him. On the other hand, I do believe in the power of the Atonement and that people can change. I just wish I would have had the option to decide with proper information. We have 4 great kids and so leaving the marriage is not the best option for any of us. If this guy really is the right one I believe things will work out but your relationship has to be based on complete honesty--don't try to gloss over your issues. I also don't think you have to go into descriptive detail of the things you have done but he needs to be aware that you have some issues to work on.

Good Luck."
posted at 17:12:54 on February 23, 2010 by bikermom
Bikermom,    
"I always love everything you post! You have a way of making a point-with love. I haven't been very successful at that. Thanks!"
posted at 19:07:54 on February 23, 2010 by Anonymous
bikermom    
"I agree with you except I don't think you need to tell someone who you are not at least engaged to unless they are someone you know is going to help because you might be opening up a box that never needed to be opened. And you might ruin a relationship before it gets a chance to start.
Your husband as you said he never truly forsake his sins. He didn't repent. And I think that is a big issue because like you said, you didn't know. One serious question, did he cheat on you while you were married? Because you said he had multiple sexual partners but was that before marriage or during your marriage?
But like I said, I do agree that there does need to be full honesty especially when you are engaged, or I don't know maybe right before you are engaged and are going to be serious. But for Helpme I would say to wait if your boyfriend is about to serve a mission. But you should and can let him know that you want to crack down on your chastity so that temple marriage and the fullfilment of a fulltime mission are possible."
posted at 20:25:07 on February 23, 2010 by Anonymous
+    
"Plus what happens if you break up with the guy after you told him, then you date three more guys after that and each one of them you told your problem to, probably a lot of people will know personal things about you that they don't need to know."
posted at 20:28:09 on February 23, 2010 by Anonymous


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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004