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need a life reboot
By bluebunny
1/27/2010 12:17:00 AM
im so stuck and so sick. i have had sexual addictions for 8 years now. ever since i was 12 or so i have been addicted to pornography. it has been a major problem for me and i have spoken with 3 bishops about it. i still cannot seem to beat this addiction. i feel so lost and hopeless. i have a girlfriend and we have been dating for a couple years. she has no idea about my addiction. we have talked about it before but i have never admitted it to her. i feel like i cant tell her. i want to, but it just doesn't feel right. we have been talking marriage for a year now. when we first started dating we became intimate and started doing really bad things. i knew then that i was really in the dark. with the help of bishop and stake pres. we havent done anything for 4 months now. but my pornography addiction is still there! i am starting to fear that our relationship was based on physical lust because im starting to feel distant from her. to be honest i find her annoying at times? its hard for me to tell her i love her. i almost feel obgligated to marry her because of what i have ruined for her in our intimate past. i dont know if im making any sense to anyone but i feel like giving up alot of the time. i think about drinking alot of times just to get the pain and guilt away from me! is it my addiction that makes me feel so distant from her? i dont know... i care about her alot i just want whats best for her and us. any suggestions??

Comments:

hang in there    
"Blue bunny
You just need to hang in there the addiction and satan is what pulling you back and making youfeel thte way you feel ,I know i was clean for 3 yrs and thought that i was doing great (I thought,) and things got the best of me and I fell a few months ago and last night i went my bishop and talked to him and it went really well, but I know i have got to work harder than ever now beacuse satan knows my weak spots even more now !

If i can give any advice it would be to pray often write in your journel and think of the savoir often and stay involed in many good things and as far far as telling your girlfirend it will come in time you will know when the time is right and if you love her and she loves you it will all work out in the end. and if it doesn't it may not the right time or the person, and there maybe someone out there for you who will be there and understand you and ther to help you though this, just like my wife is doing for me and I have put her though alot the last three years and last week I thought that it was aLL but she is still there for me.

Just stay close to the lord and and do the things i said that would help, thats where i started to slide was when i stoped doing some of those things and before i knew it i was back there again and i was ulgy and pulled away from everybody and everything, i can see that now .

I'm here for you as well as others who are going though the samethings and we can get passed this again, may the bless you and you know that i'll be here for you as well"
posted at 08:32:40 on January 27, 2010 by newsoul
Love    
"I think you may misunderstand love. You mention wondering if you love her because you are sometimes annoyed with her. Don't take this to mean there isn't love there. I love my wife more than anything but I still find myself annoyed with her, and she with me. Your final statement of "I care for her alot and just want what's best for her" is much more telling. That's what love is.

You started your relationship out on the wrong track. It seems to me that if you want it to be the type of relationship God intended you need to be completely open with one another. Tell your girlfriend the truth. Let her know you care for her and that is why you are telling her. I can't say how she will react, but if you are meant to be together it will all work out. And even if she reacts badly to your admission, at least you will have the relief of letting your secret out.

Please keep us updated."
posted at 10:16:52 on January 27, 2010 by Anonymous
The Truth Will Set You Free    
"I agree with what has been said here -- you should talk to your girlfriend and tell her about your problem. She may get upset and leave you, but she may stay with you and your relationship could become stronger than ever. At least you won't have to suffer in silence, and you'll feel less guilt and shame. It will help if you tell her all the things you are doing to overcome your addiction. If she sees that you are heading in the right direction, that you want to change and are reaching out to others for help, she'll be more likely to stay with you and support you. This may be just the motivation you need to strengthen your recovery."
posted at 15:46:06 on January 27, 2010 by finallyfree
i dont know    
"im just afraid that if i do tell her, she is going to freak out. go home and cry to her parents about it and tell everyone. then there goes all my self worth for sure. when i spoke to my stake pres about all my problems he told me i didnt have to tell her. my biggest fear is having anyone find out that doesnt need to.

i try so hard to pray and read and do daily services for people. i dont know if i just dont know how to pray or what, but i dont think i have ever gotten an answer or even a feeling? im just not sure what im supposed to do. i have prayed many times if this girl is the one for me, i dont get anything ever?

i dont know im just rambling i guess but to be totally honest i would love to tell her about my problems its really tough having that guilt on me but again im just not sure i should do it right now? am i making any sense?"
posted at 00:23:31 on January 28, 2010 by bluebunny
The truth    
"You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to tell. But if you decide to marry her she has the absolute right to know. Not telling her would be the same as tricking her into marriage. It's so wrong on so many levels. Starting out a marriage with that kind of deceit will pretty much doom your relationship. I've seen it happen. The truth always eventually comes out. Trust me."
posted at 11:16:08 on January 28, 2010 by Anonymous
A Perspective from a Wife    
"I just want to echo the other comments being made about telling the truth. My husband did not tell me about his pornography addiction and his dishonesty in omitting this information has created a huge void of trust in our marriage. I found out about it about six months into our marriage and his dishonesty shattered everything we had worked so hard to cultivate in our loving relationship. We are working to re-build things, but I wish he would have had the courage to tell the truth so I could have supported him and felt the stability of honesty in our relationship.

It may be very difficult to do, but if are considering marriage-she has the right to know about your addiction. And like the anonymous person above said, she will find out anyway. It always comes out. Wouldn't you rather approach her in a sincere, honest way rather than have her find out and know you consciously deceived her? Prayerfully consider how and when to tell her and have the respect for the woman you love to be honest with her. I wish my husband would have shown me that same respect."
posted at 16:38:12 on January 28, 2010 by CLO
but    
"but i very well do planning on telling her if we really are getting married. but when i spoke with my stake pres. we had a plan to get this addiction beat. the problem is that im having a really hard time getting over it. im just having a hard time knowing if she is the one for me since the whole basis of our relationship started with physical intimacy."
posted at 23:13:14 on January 28, 2010 by bluebunny
Put God First    
"BlueBunny, out of love and concern, I ask these questions: are you putting God before everything else in your life? Are you reading the scriptures and praying daily? (Have you tried that with your girlfriend?) Do you attend church and a family home evening each week? Do you attend the temple as often as you can, even just to sit outside?

If you aren't doing all of these things, what is preventing it? Because I suggest that you have put whatever is preventing it before God. And if you have put something before God, then serving him and overcoming your addiction is impossible; no man can serve two masters.

However, listen to the beautiful promises of prophets for those who will put God first. I think these promises will help you as you decide where your relationship with your girlfriend is going.

President Ezra Taft Benson promised: “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives.” My wife and I made this quote the center of our engagement, and later, the mission statement for our family. Ponder that beautiful promise, Bluebunny. If you put God ahead of everything else in your lives—ahead of school, ahead of work, ahead of children, and ahead of your relationship with your girlfriend/wife—then all of those other important things will fall into their proper place! If your girlfriend is not right for you, she will "drop out of your life" naturally as you put God first. If she IS right, she will grow closer to you and "fall into place" as you put God first.

President Howard W. Hunter said something similar: “If our lives and our faith are centered on Jesus Christ and his restored gospel, nothing can go permanently wrong. On the other hand, if our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right.” Thus, to guarantee eternal success in your marriage and family, center your personal life and your future married life on God and nothing else!

I could be wrong, and I'm only trying to help. But when I read your account of your situation, I thought, "If he were putting God first in every way possible, some of these questions would disappear for him with time." Good luck! I'm praying for you."
posted at 11:05:23 on January 29, 2010 by BeClean
BECLEAN    
"Wow that actually makes total sense to me! i printed most of what you have said and i hope your ok with that. i mean its like it just clicked! why didnt i realize i wasnt putting god before everything else? i dont know but i know now, i cant do anything on my own... i need gods help. Thank you so much! im not going to worry so much if things are going to workout because if its right then it will work out. if not, then well, i'll learn from it. This is my answer! if there is a way to give you a hug online.... here it is."
posted at 00:34:02 on January 30, 2010 by bluebunny
Hold to the Rod    
"I'm glad it helped, Bluebunny. I'm still praying for you.

I know that putting God first isn't always easy, but it works. Every time struggles reappear in my life, every time my addiction resurfaces, every time I'm overwhelmed by the myriad of things I have to do, and every time I can't seem to decide what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, I fall back on the thoughts I just shared you. Usually, I realize I haven't been putting God completely first. When I do, it's amazing how things just fall into place and inspiration flows.

Another favorite scripture story is strongly connected to all of that. We are walking through a mist of darkness right now, and we aren't always sure which way to go. Worse yet, there are rocks, canyons, and rivers of filth stretched out before us, and we can't even see them. In this darkness, there is ONE WAY way to get to the Tree of Life and partake of the most delicious fruit (which are all the blessings God has for us). The way is the Rod of Iron, the scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon. If we cling to that rod EVERY DAY, putting God first in our lives, we WILL follow the straight and narrow and come to the tree. We can't miss it; the rod leads right to it! If, however, we let go of the rod, even for a day, we could stumble and lose our path forever. (Remember, it's hard to find the rod in the dark mist once you've let go.)

Hold to the Rod. Put God first!

So, anyway, I'm glad my first suggestions helped. Hug back."
posted at 20:42:20 on January 30, 2010 by BeClean
Just a thought    
"I have been told and have found it wise counsel to tell those involved with your addiction, about your addiction. Your girl friend is not your wife. Until the day comes that you are engaged she does not need to know your addiction. If she is going to be part of helping you to overcome then tell her. But it is a lot of burden to place on someone who is not your spouse, who you are not married to, or sealed to.
As far as thinking you need to marry her, marry her for all the right reasons including love. If you two created a baby together then you need to take responsibility and become a father but from what you wrote I assume that didn't happen. Just because you two might have gone too far does not mean that you should be married. God is the one who will help you to know what to do. But remember if you have gone far sexually before marriage with this person it could place a long lasting strain on your relationship that neither one of you deserve. get things straightened out, if you haven't repented to her of what was done in the past, repent, and getr things on track. But be with someone who knows your standards who wont tempt you and who you can feel you can be clean with. When you get your life straightened out in the areas that you will need, and you will get things together I have faith in you, be with someone who loves and respects you and your body as much as you will respect theirs. And when you find that someone hold sex as 0.0000000000000000000000001% of what makes this person a good match for you and a good eternal spouse."
posted at 23:54:45 on January 30, 2010 by Anonymous


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"If, through our unrighteous choices, we have lost our footing on that path, we must remember the agency we were given, agency we may choose to exercise again. I speak especially to those overcome by the thick darkness of addiction. If you have fallen into destructive, addictive behaviors, you may feel that you are spiritually in a black hole. As with the real black holes in space, it may seem all but impossible for light to penetrate to where you are. How do you escape? I testify the only way is through the very agency you exercised so valiantly in your premortal life, the agency that the adversary cannot take away without your yielding it to him. "

— Robert D. Hales

General Conference, April 2006